PLEASE DO NOT READ BEFORE MY OTHER STORY CALLED BATMAN LOSES EVERYTHING! You won't understand what's going on or the plot or why Batman has no cash. Thanks.
Batman was really tired and depressed. He had been all over Gotham City selling his sexiness to various clubs and brothels but he had sadly gotten nowhere. The clubs only wanted ladies to dance and strip for rich businessmen and, for some reason, only men wanted to pay for sex with him. This was a line Batman wasn't willing g to cross yet. His heart sank as he found himself trudging up the road and entering one of the upmarket areas of Gotham. His only means of salvation was at the top of the street and he started crying like a girl as he dragged himself through the front door of the notorious Iceberg Lounge. The security man let him in whilst laughing at him and Batman sadly took a place on a barstool next to the massive cocktail bar. A sudden quacking laugh felt like the bells of doom,
"So Batman! You look like you've hit rough times! Why else would you be in my lounge?" Batman looked up to see the Penguin gliding towards him like a creepy ghoul. He swallowed his pride and hung his head in shame as he answered the Penguin "I need a job." The Penguin looked stunned "You need a WHAT?!" Batman started crying again as he choked out, "I...Need...A...Job..."
The Penguin laughed so hard he almost died and his quacking laugh started to give Batman severe anxiety issues. Then the Penguin laughed so much that he fell down behind the bar and it was several minutes before he managed to pull himself back to his feet with the help of the barman. He was crying with laughter. "Oh Batman you much be so desperate! Well I do need a pole dancer I guess. I've got a lot of lady customers who want more male strip acts...but you'll need to ditch the Batman suit if you want to work here..." He threw something weird at Batman's head and said "Wear this thong. You can change in the back but I want you in stage and practicing immediately!" Batman felt every shred of manliness leave him as he went to change into the pink elephant face thong. What had his high flying life become?
He shivered as he crossed the lounge and got up onto the stage where the pole was. In true Batman style he grabbed the pole like a fire-fighter and started weight lifting his own body up and down weirdly on it. He looked ridiculous. "THAT'S NOT SEXY YOU FOOL!" Came an odd voice from the back of the bar and Mr. Freeze came into the lounge. Batman jumped around and got ready to fight and then Mr. Freeze started laughing because Batman had got a boner from vibrating against the pole. "Bleegh! Your popsicle is out of control!" Batman looked down and gasped because the elephant's trunk was sticking up like a bollard.
"Look Batman if you don't be serious and quit acting like a jerk then I'll go all two-face on your ass!" Yelled the Penguin as he ate some cigars. In the darkness at the end of the bar came an angry voice, "That's not funny, you ass! I'm sat right here!" Harvey Dent half sneered and half cried as he drank his double bourbon. The Penguin apologised "Sorry Dent it's just a phrase. Now don't start flipping coins going nuts and shooting up my bar again!" Harvey Dent punched the Penguin off his barstool and into a wall and then he started crying uncontrollably as the barman comforted him.
By this point Mr. Freeze was already dancing on the pole and teaching Batman some sexy moves. "And then you can do this!" He cried like a maniac as he grabbed the pole, put his legs around it and let go so he hung upside down in a professional pole dancer style. Mr. Freeze had been tutored by the best. "See? How sexy is this?" He started to laugh as he tried to get down but suddenly he stopped and gasped "OH NO! MY POPSICLE IS FROZEN TO THE POLE! But how will I..." It was too late and the weight of his muscled body was too much and Mr. Freeze fell off of the pole and ripped the skin off his inner thighs and most of his dong came off. He curled into a ball and cried as his girls came and dragged him to a chair.
The Penguin was starting to despair. "Look girls why don't you show Batman what to do?" He waved his three fingers and a group of women appeared out of the walls and started swinging around the pole. They swept some of Mr. Freeze's severed dong under a mat. Batman watched the expect exotic dancers and knew that tonight would be a disaster. His debut was fast approaching.
The bachelorette party invaded the Iceberg Lounge at 8pm. Harley Quinn was marrying the Joker but she wasn't invited to her own bachelorette party because the Penguin had banned her from entering his bar. This was because she kept dancing for free and taking away all his business. The party consisted of Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Wonder Woman, Batgirl and Robin dressed as a woman (he didn't want to miss the experience of Batman humiliating himself). Wonder Woman didn't really know why she was there and so just sat in the corner and played with her cell phone. She kept catching the eye of Harvey Dent and the two exchanged flirty glances.
Batman started dancing to Bad Romance by Lady Gaga and all the women screamed in an annoying way. Batman psyched himself up to dance. "Imagine the pole is a woman" he said to himself. He started swinging around and rubbing himself on it. All the women whistled and screamed. Batman started getting into it far too much as the chorus of the song began. He started vibrating and humping the pole whilst thrusting and imagining the last woman he had sex with. The Penguin vomited somewhere backstage.
"Hey Batman let's have some fun!" Shouted Catwoman as she leapt on stage and grabbed him. She then began to kneel down and take his thong off with her teeth. At that moment the Joker suddenly crashed his truck through the wall of the lounge and started jumping around in a fit of crazy laughter. Batman was so surprised and scared that he pooped himself there and then. A stream of molten diarrhea went everywhere and he got an erection due to fear. Catwoman was also alarmed and so bit down onto his dong hard by mistake. Batman shrieked as blood from his artery fountained into the air and more poop exploded from his anal cavity. Catwoman was rendered unconscious by toxic shock syndrome as she was covered in liquid feces. Mr. Freeze who was sat nearby with his girls rubbing ointment into his semi-severed-dong-wound yelled angrily as fecal matter froze onto his skin and caused gangrene immediately. Poison Ivy thought the whole set up was great because plants thrived in manure and fertilizer. Batgirl made a swift exit before being knocked unconscious by a jet-propelled poop. Robin laughed so hard that his blonde wig fell off. Wonder Woman got scared and was saved by Harvey Dent and the two fell madly in love and fled the country together.
"That's for refusing to let Harley into your lounge, Penguin!" Yelled the Joker as he reversed over Batgirl and drove off. The scene he left behind was of total devastation. Batman was so humiliated that he fled the lounge completely naked. Shit streamed out of him as he ran and he jet-diarrhead himself to downtown Gotham in no time. Alfred was standing on a street corner wearing his old butlering outfit and he managed to catch Batman by the face before the diarrhea could propel his old boss past him. Crap went everywhere and polluted a nearby water feature.
"Mr Batman sir! I managed to get your business back. Wayne Enterprises is now back up and ready to go! Which is a good thing because it seems even the sex industry doesn't want you..." He wrapped Batman in cellophane and called a taxi. He then threw his old boss into the cab and sat beside him whilst telling the driver to go to Batman's old penthouse. Alfred then put on some yellow gloves and started to give Batman a sponge bath in the back of the taxi but Batman was still so scared that diarrhea was quickly filling the cellophane. Soon the taxi man kicked the two out and Alfred had to carry Batman home.
By the time they got there Batman was encased in solid poop and Alfred had PTSD. They would never be the same again.