So this chapter is from Honoka's point of view, and is meant to give some insight on what's going on with her and her mental state. So, be aware and be prepared for that. Maki does not appear, and plot is not advanced in anyway with the chapter, and I do apologise for that.
Disclaimer: I do not, in any way shape or form, possess any rights to the characters or the world in which these fics take place in. Love Live! is owned by ASCII Media Works, Lantis, Sunrise, and Sakurako Kimino. This is a fan made work, made purely for my enjoyment.
I woke up before my alarm again, just like I have every day for the last couple months—and always the same time; 5:30AM. Half an hour to get out of bed, get dressed, grab something to take for breakfast, and jog to the Kanda shrine.
Except I wasn't doing that anymore, I hadn't been since we disbanded. And I'd tried telling my body that, been going to bed later and later until it got to the point of only getting a couple of hours of sleep a night, just so I could try to sleep past this infernal hour. But it just… never happened. No matter how late I fell asleep, I would always wake up at the same time—5:30.
And I couldn't fall back asleep. At first it was because of the crying, realising and remembering that μ's didn't exist anymore, that I had no reason to be awake so early. But now… now it's so I can get control of myself, of my emotions, so I don't become a crying or nervous wreck again—I already told myself I'd stop that in elementary school, I wasn't going to allow myself to become that again.
My eyes glanced at the mirror and I stopped, rubber band in my mouth and hands working at getting my hair into the lower ponytail I'd been wearing for the last few months.
I… it was hard to recognise myself. My hair was darker, longer—my eyes… Umi, Kotori, Eli… everyone from μ's used to say that one of my charm points was my energy and the "life sparkling" in my eyes.
Oh, if only Eli, Nozomi, and Nico could see me now.
I shut my eyes roughly, trying to stop the tears that started prickling at them. I finished tying my hair back and turned away from the mirror without opening my eyes, refusing to see my reflection.
I quietly walked back to my room, trying not to wake mom or dad up (Yukiho had already left, gone to do her training with Arisa, Rin, and Hanayo), and slowly shut the door. I walked over to my bed and grabbed the old, weathered acoustic that was on a stand next to it.
Holding the guitar in my hands sent a wave of relaxation through me, and a small smile graced my face. After a couple days and some asking around, miss Minami was actually able to find a guitar for me to use—an old Greco GR28 in storage at the school.
I rested the guitar on my thigh, and slowly started to strum- the chords to Snow halation came naturally. I let the calming waves of the song and the memories wash over me, feeling my nerves relax and my muscles soften.
But it was only for the length of the song, for as soon as I played the final chord, the tears came rushing back, and I could feel my nerves start to vibrate again. I tried to gain control of myself, to keep myself from audibly sobbing so I wouldn't wake up my parents.
I successfully, carefully, set the guitar back on its stand before falling onto my bed, curling up and bringing one of my old stuffed animals close to me to muffle my sobs.
"I hate this," I rasped, clutching the toy closer to me.
And really, I did. I hated it so much. The constant crying, the loss of sleep—I'd taken to trying to cover up the dark circles around my eyes with makeup, so people wouldn't ask questions. Umi noticed, of course she did.
And it wasn't hard to tell, she'd have noticed even if I looked fine physically. Because I'd changed, and I hated what I'd changed into. Not because of the change, but because I…
…I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd become more studious, both to Umi's pleasure and discomfort, and I'd started taking my role as student council president seriously. I'd started eating healthier, and so little of my free time was spent reading manga or… or training.
I'd even picked kendo backup, hoping having to balance the studying, student council work, and practice/competitions would take my mind off of μ's and what I'd become. Even if I knew that it was me, my body and my mind, it just didn't feel like me. It felt like…
…It felt like Eli, it felt like I was trying to be Eli.
I knew I'd had to change eventually, that second year Kousaka Honoka wouldn't be able to sustain herself as student council president in her third year. But I didn't feel like I'd changed into a newer, better Honoka. I just felt like I was copying Eli, trying to be someone else so I could ignore the loss of my three best friends and two more of my closest friends.
I choked back another sob, clutching the toy as hard as I could. I knew, I knew it wasn't all three, but at times it felt like I'd lost Umi too—she and Eli had started dating before Eli graduated, and a lot of her free time was spent with her girlfriend.
And I couldn't fault her for that, she deserved to be happy and spend time with her girlfriend. I just…
I just wish she was spending that time with me.
…No, it wasn't right to go down that path. She was happy, and that's what mattered. I just need to find a way to be happy, or at the least content and stable, without her.
I just wish that didn't require me to not be me anymore.
Again, I apologise for the lack of plot advancement. I hope you enjoyed it though, the next chapter will be a plot advancing one.
(Also I didn't intend for this to have the one-sided HonoUmi but it just kind of happened and despite how much I hate the amount of angsty one-sided HonoUmi, I let it stay)