Disclaimer: Owned by Mutant Enemy and Disney.

Note: It's a oneshot.

How do I find myself in these positions? Manacled on a Saint Andrew's cross along with an innocent guy in the same position behind me on his own cross– at least I think he's innocent. I never had a chance to ask him. I was unconscious at the time. Demonic women; they officially suck. Not that they didn't before, but this time I'm making it official. They suck.

"Do you know why the Dark Lords of the Sith always wind up dying in some epic battle with the Jedi or each other, Xander?"

I blinked and looked over to Darth Simi who just found her way back in her really spooky laboratory™. I recognized her immediately; that's why I screamed like a five year old girl when she popped up on Dantooine during my vacation there to recover some Force crystals for Andrew. She was a Zabrak; that's a Star Wars alien if you haven't been keeping up on current events here recently. She was also an ancient Sith Priestess, or at least I thought she was until she cleared things up for me.

That was the weird part; she was being very polite, caring, informative, and almost the perfect hostess if there wasn't the whole bondage and imminent danger involved.

"Um, no."

She smiled warmly at me. The effect was totally destroyed when you take into account that she's paler than pale, actually it's more of an unhealthy gray. To top that off she's literally covered from head to toe with thin black tattoos that make Darth Maul look like a teen girl getting her first ankle ink. How do I know it's from head to toe? Easy; she was barely wearing anything at all. I guess it was in the female Sith handbook or something.

"It's the whole power hunger thing. Almost all Sith act exactly the same way. You'd think after we entered the twentieth millennium of our existence that someone would have realized why we kept dying all the time. The quest for power kills. It's that simple."

To a sane person, that was perfectly logical. Sith aren't really known for their sanity. "So, you're not evil?"

Her attention was pulled away from her datapad when she looked at me. "Oh, that's precious! No, darling, I'm very evil. After all, I can't look this young and beautiful on the power of the dark side alone. Sacrifices must be made yearly. Force sensitives to be exact, as innocent as possible."

"Oh." That confused me. "Um, then why am I here? I'm not…"

Simi started laughing like I told the best joke. "No, you're not Force sensitive, Xander. In fact, you're quite possibly the least Force sensitive person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. A midi-chlorian count of 548 and still be a living organism is quite the achievement; most require a few thousand in order to exist. Most flora have higher counts than that. Yes, you're the perfect specimen for this experiment."

Damn. Here I was thinking if I could distract her with witty banter and probing questions I might possibly survive whatever she was coming up with. Well, it was too late now. Might as well find out what's in store for the Xan-man.

"What's the experiment about… if you don't mind my asking?"

She sighed happily and set her datapad down. "It's always with the screaming and pleading. It's so refreshing to have a subject that shows an interest in my work. You know; if you keep this up, and if the experiment is successful, then I might just keep you around. You're not by any chance interested in becoming an apprentice to a Dark Lord of the Sith, are you?"

"Um… I've never really thought about it? I mean how often does an opportunity like that come around to a guy like me?"

Simi agreed with my sentiment. "Statistically, probably not too often. Well, think on it… if you survive that is. Sorry about the bad news, but I haven't had a successful trial in this field yet."

She patted me on the cheek. "Oh, I can feel the fear rolling off of you. It's quite a normal reaction. Try not to fret. Just imagine; if I am correct in my calculations, you'll be quite powerful; from just over five hundred to well over 9000! That's the range of most Master Jedi and Dark Lords. Won't you be the lucky one!"

Why did I think I was in a bad episode of Dragonball Z? I was never a big fan of the whole midi-chlorian thing when Lucas introduced the concept in Phantom Menace. I always thought the Force was a spiritual notion and not science based.

That threw me once again. "You're making me into a Force sensitive?"

Simi had already returned to her work and started attaching electrode pads to various places on my head.

"Not exactly. I came across a Sith holocron of Darth Bane – I'm a Banite; did you know?"

"No… that's the whole one master/one apprentice thing, right?"

Simi grabbed a fist full of my hair and grinned, as her face and thus her yellow Sith eyes closed in on mine. "I do hope you survive. You are so well informed for a virtual null. Having you as an apprentice would be very rewarding."

Her lips mashed against mine for a brief and very odd kiss. Then she broke away. "You should feel honored. I normally shun males, but I figured this might be the last time you experienced something like this, and you've been quite entertaining, so, what the hell? I just want you to know this by no means cements me in the heterosexual category."

I licked my lips and tasted something like melon, but not exactly. "I wouldn't presume. Some of my best friends are lesbians."

Simi sighed. "Enough of this, before I change my mind. I'm sorry, Xander, but I just can't have any kind of relationship, professional or personal, with a male, much less a human one. You understand, don't you?"

With a hard swallow I decided to go out of this universe with some dignity. "Sure. Well, let's get on with it. Oh, you never said what it was you were doing."

She stretched out her neck and closed her eyes before laying a hand on my head. I assume she was doing the same to the person behind me.

"Essence transfer. Now shh; I mustn't be disturbed if this is going to work properly."

Essence transfer. Right. That was the thing Emperor Palpatine aka Darth Sidious used to come back to life after he got blown to smithereens when the second Death Star blew up. Of course he had mindless clones to go into and I was… hold on… essence transfer?

"Eep!" I managed to say as my last word in this horrible life of mine before my soul, or my essence if you will, was sucked out through my head.

I'm fairly sure there was some screaming involved when Darth Simi settled my soul into the body of the guy that was once behind me. It was the most painful thing I could have ever imagined. Having an evil preacher stick his thumb in my eye was like stubbing a toe compared to this.

Hold on – am I sensing a pattern here? Evil preacher, evil priestess. Right. I'm so staying away from church from here on out. If I survive that is. I still wasn't too sure about whether or not I did. I mean there was definitely pain involved so that meant nerve endings, and where there were nerves that meant there was a body that had to be involved. Plus, there was the whole screaming thing that was going on.

"You're alive! He's ALIVE!" I heard Darth Simi yelling above my own. "Yes! Booyah!"

My voice started trickling off, down to a minor whimper as the nerves of my new body only tingled in memory of the searing pain. Everything was still blurry, but I could make out the Dark Lord dancing a little jig, which was severely wrong and should be punished by the Dark Lord's guild – if there was such a thing. They're supposed to clinch their hand and hold it up high as they laugh maniacally.

"Xander! Can you hear me?"

Cool hands cradled my face as I blinked her face into focus and nodded weakly.

"Brilliant!" she yelled and then kissed me.

This one was much more thorough, but even if I wanted to – and I didn't – I didn't have much strength to return it… and she still tasted like mangos that were off.

"An odd side-effect I hadn't anticipated has occurred. Some of your facial features have transferred over into Daqua's body. Very interesting. Hmm, something to investigate later perhaps. Anyway, I've always wanted an apprentice, and now I can have one!" She stopped and then looked at me questioningly. "You do want to be my apprentice, correct? Only a positive answer will suffice, otherwise I'll simply save you for my next experiment."

What was I supposed to say to something like that? Die in some horrible way or fake being her student until I had the chance to escape? I just nodded feebly again.

"Excellent!"

With the push of a button on her wristlink, the cuffs holding my wrists and ankles to the cross were released and I collapsed to the floor. A shift of my head let me know the resulting condition of my original body. It was shrunken almost to the point of being unrecognizable as human. The skin was blackened and smoldering slightly, the result of the process.

Essence transfer has to be powered in some way; that's what makes the technique so dangerous. Usually it's the caster's own body that takes the fallout. They use up every erg of energy in an attempt to take possession of someone else's body, leaving theirs in ruins with no chance of coming back if things go wrong. It's a one way trip, and I was currently trapped in this body for the rest of my days whether I liked it or not. I'm going with the latter one for the moment.

I watched as a droid came over and started picking up the ashy pieces to dispose of them, along with the amulet that provided my passage to this dimension in the first place. It was supposed to be a vacation. I got to see a little piece of the Star Wars universe in a perfectly safe way. There weren't too many settlements on Dantooine, so I was supposed to pop in take in the sights, grab some crystals and head back home; no muss, no fuss. With the destruction of the amulet I was stuck here.

"It's natural to feel something of a loss, Xander, but don't dwell on what has been done. There's no going back… at least until I find a way, of course. I hear tell the Aing-Tii monks of the Kathol Rift have developed a technique to view the past. I assume there must be a way to interact with it as well. However, that is for another day."

As she was blathering on I started pulling myself up and had almost gotten my feet under me.

"Tell me; do you have access to Daqua's memories? You should. Her physical brain wasn't harmed at all when I separated her essence from her body."

When I tried thinking about the person's body I had inadvertently stole, the first memory that came to me was her last. I winced at the mere memory of the feeling of having his soul torn away.

"Yes."

"Good, Excellent. That should save so much time in your training, and miscellaneous things like where your room is, and how I like my Bantha Biscuits cooked in the morning. She held so much potential," Darth Simi said as she petted my hair.

"Daqua had a natural talent for Sith Sorcery, but she had no motivation. It was all hack and slash with her lightsaber. Don't get me wrong; there's always a time and place where that skill comes in handy, but a simple acolyte is nothing to aspire to. I wanted an apprentice, and sadly Daqua was ignorant with no desire to improve her lot in life."

I wondered if she was expecting me to agree with her, hunch my back over and say, Yes Master. Well, I'm no Igor. "She died from lack of motivation. I think that's a first for me."

Simi seemed amused. "Well, see that doesn't happen to you. In fact, I have your first assignment ready. If you return alive and relatively intact with the mission accomplished then I'll consider you my apprentice and bestow upon you the title of Darth."

My ears perked up at that. Would it really be this easy? Minutes after my body was destroyed, I was given a chance to just leave?

"It's simple enough to read your face, Xander. Just know that with the Force I can read your intentions as well. If you decide to steal my ship and disappear, I will hunt you down and you will eventually beg for me to rip your soul out of your new body so the pain and horror will stop. And I have the means as well. Does the word Sithspawn mean anything to you? We can go that route as well. The process takes about a month and it is excruciatingly painful."

With a delicate hand she lifted my chin up so that she could stare into my eyes. "I am approaching three thousand years old. Think of all the methods I have learned over the ages to acquire what I want, not to mention deal with those that displease me."

I looked away and felt a twinge of anger course through me while Darth Simi chuckled.

"That's it, my soon to be apprentice. Revel in your emotions; it is the way of the Sith. Take heed that you don't let them revel in you. Remember, the Dark Lords of the Sith that die the quickest deaths are those that immediately seek power before perfecting themselves. So, do me and yourself a favor and don't challenge me until I have no knowledge to bestow upon you. That is the way of the Banites."

Wisely, I stayed quiet. She couldn't turn anything on me if I didn't say anything to begin with. I would plot, and I would plan. Somehow I'd find a way free of her.

"Now, get yourself cleaned up and take the ship to Korriban. Visit the Valley of the Dark Lords. You will return Darth Bane's holocron and seek out Darth Zannah's. If you cannot find hers then the holocron of Freedon Nadd will suffice. They were the two strongest sorcerers of the Sith in existence. Then you will go to Krayiss II where you will access the Library-Temple and learn what you can from within."

I was already nearly panicked at what she was telling me to do. Korriban was the original home of the Sith. The place made the Hellmouth look like Disneyland with zombies and ghost Sith in residence ready to suck away your soul into Sith service. Not to mention Krayiss. I don't even want to talk about what I know of those horrors.

"You will have three complete months, that's a hundred and five days from the time you leave here to master the seven basic spells of a Dark Sorceress. If you cannot prove to me that you are intelligent enough to handle this task then it's back up on the cross you go, and you'll do it willingly or we'll go with the unwilling example I spoke of a few minutes ago. Do you understand these tasks?"

I simply nodded.

"Very well. Good hunting, Xander."

Letting go of the cross I took a step and realized my equilibrium was still screwed to hell and back. A half second before I face-planted, Darth Simi caught me in her arms.

"Still haven't quite learned about that body yet, have we?"

I groaned and opened my eyes. Reflexes born completely from panic triggered my hand to snap out and depress the stud on her twin bladed lightsaber. Bright yellow plasma snapped into existence, and I twisted the hilt just enough to carve a path straight through her body. Simi's hands tightened on me and then dropped as I acquired a better grip on the hilt and waved it through her, back and forth until she fell away in pieces with nothing but a gurgle.

Stumbling backward, I dropped the hilt and the blades disappeared immediately after. I slowed my breathing and looked down at her with an exhausted grin on my face.

"Fucked with the wrong guy this time, didn't you, Simi. Damn, not even a Force sensitive for five minutes and already bagged my first Sith Lord… Lady, whatever. Who's the man!"

Something settled in my brain at that moment. It was something she said when she was gloating about her magnificence. I looked down and saw a pretty fine looking pair of breasts protruding from the body glove I was wearing.

"Dammit."