Shinra Inc. And Fanfiction
by: Jason Tandro
Quasar looked out over the dusky plains of his ruined homeworld. In front of him was nothing but ruins and smokey black husks. The only signs of life was the smoking hot Neptuna whose clothes had been all but burnt to ash, her green body almost completely exposed to him.
"Well Neptuna," Quasar said with a devious grin. "You always said you'd never sleep with me even if I was the last man alive. Well is that still true?"
Neptuna looked close to tears as she tried to hide her incredible figure. Just then a strange hero emerged from the mist.
"Wait a second," Scarlet said putting down the pages she had been perusing. She cast a suspicious glance at Rufus. He was leaning at the edge of his seat, watching her with the uncomfortable attentiveness of the clerk at sex shop. "You're randomly introducing a new character into the middle of all this, and this is how you choose to do it?"
Rufus leaned back in his chair and kicked his feet up onto his desk – or rather he tried to but missed, banging the hell out of his shin against the corner. He gave it up as a bad job and decided to sit normally as he defended himself.
"What's wrong with that. He's showing up in time to defend the luscious Neptuna from Quasar," Rufus said.
"No, I get that. I mean I don't get why you turned the fearsome Space Pirate Neptuna into a whimpering damsel in distress, nor do I get why you made the heroic Stardust Quasar a borderline rapey sociopath but I've accepted that. I mean this is a lemon fic you're writing, right?" Scarlet asked.
"It's an alternate reality love story with about the most awesome original character ever, if that's what you are asking," Rufus said.
Scarlet made an indefinable sound of mild contempt, something between a groan and an exhale. "Well, okay then. But what I mean is you have literally no build up for this character. No clue that you are about to insert somebody new into the story. You are using established canon characters, albeit in a different way and you are just going to have somebody completely random show up in the middle of scene with a sentence as lame as that?"
Suddenly, a man walked into the office. He had dark brown hair and wore a jet black suit with a matching tie. Were it not for his unusually cheery appearance he might be mistaken for a Turk.
"Jacob, what are you doing here?" Scarlet asked.
"Just thought I'd come see my girlfriend at work for a change," he said with a grin. He planted about the best kiss you've ever seen on her before turning to Rufus. "Jacob Tundra. Venture capitalist, published author, Ph. D in genetic engineering and black belt in eight different martial arts."
Rufus took his hand briefly and shook it before turning back to Scarlet. "Well Jacob we were in the middle of something-"
"Honey maybe you could read this and give Rufus some pointers. You have published over seventy novels after all," Scarlet said.
"Of course, of course," Jacob said grinning. Jacob read through the pages and caught up within mere seconds to where Scarlet had left off.
Just then a strange hero emerged from the mist. He had short blonde hair and wore bright white power armor. He carried a shotgun and had at his side a robotic panther.
"Well partner, you're not the last man alive," he said grinning.
"Who are you?!" Quasar demanded.
"Rufex Solar – A genetically enhanced super soldier who left the military to become a Space Pirate like Neptuna here. Only difference between her and I? I literally can't be killed because of my genetic healing factor which makes me impervious to bombs, bullets and blasters," he grinned.
Jacob let out a tsking sound, yet somehow continued to grin as he began to speak. "You can't have a new character just spit out his entire life story in one paragraph. You should give him time to develop. Reveal a bit about him bit by bit as the story goes on. And if I can be so bold your character here sounds a little bit unbelievable. It's like you intentionally made him overpowered and cool as a sort of power fantasy."
Jacob took a break to light a cigar with a 10,000 gil note as Scarlet took over.
"Also why is – ugh – Rufex always grinning?" Scarlet asked.
"I want to show that he's a confident character," Rufus explained.
"I get that, but it seems like in lieu of talking normally – you know like a believably written character your good guys are always grinning and your netural or bad guys are always smirking. Also you use 'sweatdrop' as a verb on a couple of occasions... what is that?"
"You know how in animes when something funny happens the characters get that little sweat bead on their heads?" Rufus asked.
"So you want that visual gag to happen in your story because it's relatable to your demographic of readers and more importantly because you can't convey that emotion properly," Scarlet sweatdropped.
Jacob put out his cigar and continued reading.
Quasar pulled out his plasma rifle and fired off a few shots in Rufex's direction. But Rufex was far too fast and within a blink was directly in front of Quasar with his shotgun between Quasar's eyes.
"Checkmate," he grinned as he pulled the trigger, sending a round through Quasar's skull.
"So let me get this straight your 'hero' just straight up killed the canon character when it's obvious that he's more than a match for this guy and probably didn't need to?" Scarlet asked.
"Well that's why I had Quasar shoot first. I didn't want him to seem too cold-blooded," Rufus explained.
"That would have actually worked better," Jacob interjected. "Well, with a better written character it would have worked better."
"Are you two almost done?" Rufus asked.
Jacob rolled his eyes and continued reading.
Neptuna rushed up to Rufex and embraced him, planting about the best kiss ever on him before she began to undo his power armor straps and...
"Okay so this is just turning into a straight up porno," Scarlet sighed.
"It is a tender love scene full of dignity," Rufus retorted.
"You have slept with a woman in real life haven't you? I mean you have taken one who you didn't pay to bed, yes?" Scarlet asked.
"I choose not to answer that question," Rufus replied nervously, backing his chair slightly away.
"Later on Quasar somehow comes back to life and joins in. How do you figure that would work?" Jacob asked.
"I thought it was open-minded," Rufus replied.
"His mind was opened just two pages ago with a shotgun. Now he's double-teaming Neptuna with you?" Scarlet asked.
"What kind of fantasies go on in your head there buddy?" Scarlet groaned.
Jacob sighed and put down the pages. He grinned nervously before continuing. "Well I think you probably need to put a little more work into your fanfiction. Try to come up with a good idea before you just rush right into something off the top of your head. See you later Scarlet, I have to leave now."
Jacob turned to leave and smacked Scarlet's ass as he left.
Scarlet sighed before turning back to Rufus. "Oh and stop writing meta fanfiction – nobody thinks they're funny except you."
"I think it's clever observational humor that shows I have some self-awareness," Rufus insisted.
"Great, you have self-awareness. Can you tell a story that people actually want to read?" Scarlet asked.
"Maybe I should change my style a bit, huh?" Rufus grunted.
"Yes. If you want to go funny, then you know try actually being funny," Scarlet said.
"What about like shock comedy?" Rufus asked.
Scarlet pondered this for a moment before replying. "Well, that can work. But knowing you I think I'd better ask what you had in mind?"
"Well I wrote this little story when I was piss ass drunk called Quasar Mows the Lawn." Rufus said, handing her another few sheets of paper.
Scarlet gave it a cursory glance. She looked slightly green as she spoke.
"So all the humor derives from Neptuna really needing to take a shit," Scarlet sighed.
"I though it was edgy," Rufus replied.
Scarlet nodded. "Okay, I'm gonna go now. And do me a favor and don't ask me to beta read for you ever again."