2Bugs Bunny has abducted the Disney Princesses for Time Warner, causing Disney stock prices to plummet. Mickey Mouse must now assemble a crack team of super-diverse princes to rescue their girls and save their faltering stock prices.
Meet the Super-Diversity Tolerance Friends, made up of the Primarch Sanguinius, Prince Victor Steiner Davion, Prince Valerian Mengsk, the Prince of Persia (Praise Be His Name), (Prince) Samurai Jack, (Prince) Roland Deschain (Yeaaaah Boiiii), Prince Tommen Baratheon and Prince Blue Blood Les Hoers.
Together, they will travel through the multiverse to save Disney's plummeting stock prices...
"Eh? What's up doc?" said Bugs Bunny's giant floating head.
"You piece of shit. You cocksucking pile of shit. Ho ho. Give them back," snarled Mickey Mouse, several veins on his head throbbing.
"Eh? Naaah. They're my bitches now," Bugs Bunny answered, while eating a giant dildo shaped carrot.
Mickey Mouse unleashed a torrent of angry expletives.
"Now, now, Mickey. Don't get angry. I'm just better than you. You know that. You've always known that, and now that Disney is out the way, Comcast is next, and then we will rule the entire Multiverse. I'm pretty much the motherfucking ruler of the entire media now. I will be more powerful than the Estonians."
The image disappeared, leaving Mickey to impotently snarl at empty air… and at the slaughtered corpses of Disney Princes.
"Pieces of shit. Ho ho. You're all pieces of shit!" Mickey snarled at the corpses around him, kicking Prince Eric's severed head. All the Disney princes from Prince Charming to the giant Hawaiian dude from that movie no one cared about were here - dead, their guts were littered everywhere, clearly killed by the Rabbit's minions. "Fucking useless shits! Ho ho. You maggots were supposed to protect them! No our stocks are down to $67 per share. Ho ho."
A puff of smoke interrupted the Mouse's bitching, and from this smoke emerged a very thin man with a corpse like face and a briefcase. He was dressed in a very formal suit.
"Mr. Mouse?" The man said.
"Ho ho. Who the fuck are you?"
"I represent Gabe Newell, Lord of the Steam." The man paused. "You may call me the G-Man."
"Are you with the rabbit?" Mickey snarled.
"No, the rabbit and his allies are a threat to our mutual interests, and my master has authorized me to help you recover your… property."
"Ho ho. I don't need your help."
"Oh, but you do. The rabbit is sending your princesses to places where only Princes of noble blood can rescue them."
"Ho ho. I have enough Princes, faggot," Mickey snarled, coughing as he lighted a cigarette.
"You mean these?" The G-Man gestured around him at the corpses of rotting princes. "Come now, Mr. Mouse. You're nice and screwed and you know it. Let me help you. I have the perfect idea."
He removed a tablet from his briefcase and handed it to Mickey.
"You want me to buy the rights to these assholes? Ho ho. Are you insane?"
"Quite sane Mister Mouse, and yes, you must buy the rights to their intellectual property. They could be our only hope against Time Warner."
…
Tommen Baratheon awoke with a serious burning sensation on his backside where Joffrey gave him a wedgie. He was in a castle courtyard of some kind, but he was definitely no longer in King's Landing.
"Where am I?" Tommen looked around. "Mummy. Myrcella. Where are you? Little Tommy is scared."
He tried calling out again, but no answer from his mummie.
"Tommy needs a spanking," he cried to himself. "Tommy needs a good spanking from mummy."
Then Tommen noticed that he was not alone.
…
Prince Victor Ian Steiner Davion, son of the Inner Sphere's greatest power couple, left his cockpit to take a long piss in the bushes. Holy shit! That felt good.
"Ah…." Victor moaned. "I bett'r take a shit too. Uhh. Uhhh. Hrrrrmph."
While Victor was doing his business in the bushes, he noticed that he was no longer on New Avalon, but at least his Daishi was still in one peace. That's good at least.
"Whu Wh're uh Wh'r hell am'I? Galen? Whe'r you? F'ckn Gubmints. Illuminati."
Victor then noticed he was in a castle of some kind but not any castle he recognized. "Hey! Who'r th'se? Fuckin Clan'rs. Clan'r Il'munati. Blakist Jeehad cons'pr'cy. MK Ultra. Hurmmm duurrmm."
…
Prince Valerian Mengsk laughed maniacaly in his super secret room inside his personal Battlecruiser, Bucephalus. The room was filled with all kinds of MILFY alien females in suspende animation, trapped inside special container pods.
To his left was the Librarian Forerunner. To his right was Benezia. And at the center was Jabba the Hutt's mother, her beautiful space slug breasts hanging like rotting papayas on her worm-like skin.
Absolutely beautiful.
"Brargsdfadkljdlajglgdg," spasmed Valerian, as he laughed manically.
The handsome prince wore only his underwear, which bore the mark of the Terran Dominion. Before he could do things to himself, though, a bright light flashed and he disappeared from his Battlecruiser.
He reappeared on some castle courtyard – still in his underwear – and he quickly noticed that he was no alone.
"My MILFs," he snarled. "Who took my alien MILFs? And my Battlecruiser"
…
Samurai Jack looked into the distance, wondering where he was now. Here was apparently some sort of castle courtyard. Was Aku back? Is this one of his tricks?
"Where are we, Ashi?" Jack asked the sock puppet on his left hand.
"I don't know, Jack, but I am with you. Don't be afraid," came the sock puppet's beautiful voice.
"Oh Ashi. I love you so much. You'll never leave me right?"
"Oh no, Jack. I'm a real lady. I am very real and I love you very much."
"I love you too Ashi. Now, to get to the bottom of this," Jack answered, and then the Samurai noticed that there were others nearby.
…
The Prince of Persia sang his beautiful manly song, as he prepared ham sandwiches to his Buddhist, Christian and Jewish friends, because Islam is a religion of peace, and loves all other religions.
"saleelul sawarim nasheedul ubah wa darbul qitaly tariqul haya fa baynaq tihamin yubidu tugha..."
He gave a ham sandwich to Zhou the Buddhist, who nommed the pig sandwich.
wa kateem musawtim jamilun sadah saleelul sawarim nasheedul ubah
He gave another John the Christian, who thanked the Muslim for his love and tolerance.
yughighul uda wa ima ma'matun yughighul uda saleelul sawarim nasheedul ubah wa darbul
As he was about to give Shlomo Bergblattsteinowitz, his sandwich, however, the Prince disappeared.
"Oyyyy Vey," cried Shlomo, angry that he didn't get to eat his ham sandwich. "It's like anotha Holodomor."
The Prince reappeared inside a strange, unknown European castle.
Where am I? Thought the Prince to himself. Yalla! The Great Prophet – praised be his name - has sent me to Europe culturally enrich the misguided Europeans and their racism. Truly what a wondrous day to spread love, peace and tolerance.
Oh look! There are some fellows there now. "Yooo hoooo."
…
Sanguinius lay upon the ground, like a fallen golden angelic god, his beautiful golden mane flowing in the wind, as his pure white wings sent little white petals into that very same wind. In the distance, the orgiastic screams of a thousand pleasured females filled the air as their vaginas erupted like soft, moist geysers. Sanguinius' beautiful golden locks fell across his face, like so much golden water, and a thousand girls exploded into extreme orgasm.
Literally.
I mean holy shit. Look at this guy. I mean I'm not gay or anything, but if I had to do a guy, like...
"Where am I?" He said in a beautiful, angelic voice that would make every female for miles to have orgasms.
"I appear to be inside some sort of castle," Sanguinius told himself.
He suddenly remembered his duel with Horus, and recalled the pain of death. Yes, he should be dead, and yet here he was.
Sanguinius looked at himself. He appeared to be fine. He lost the upper half of his armor (and his beautiful manly chest was exposed for the women to drool over) but he still has his sword and his plama pistol, and that's all that matters.
Suddenly, Sanguinius realized that he was not alone. There were others nearby. Others like him, and an evil presence is watching over them.
…
Roland Deschain came from the Dark Tower universe, written by Sir Stephen King of Trolls. No one cares about the novels or the series, because it's boring as hell.
It involves cowboys and cowboy wizards or some shit. So there you go.
But the Estonians at Hollywood decided to make a movie about him and cast a black person, so now Roland Deschain is black, and that's why he's here.
Because we can't have a diverse cast without a black person. Also, Roland is a Cowboy Prince.
Roland looked around and found that he was in a castle full of white people, an A-rab and a Japanese muhfucka.
"Shhhhiiiiiiiiieeeet," he said to himself.
…
Prince Blueblood of Equestria looked around at the strange monkey things around him, and said.
"Neeeiiighhh," and then dropped a giant horse poop on the castle courtyard's floor. Friendship is truly magic.
…
All the Princes approached each other warily. They observed each other carefully, but before they could say anything.
They were interrupted by the arrival of an anthromorphic Mouse and a creepy guy in a suit.
It was the creepy dude who spoke first.
"Rise and shine, my lords. Rise and shine. Not that I wish to imply that any of you have been sleeping on the job… Well, let's just say your hour has come at least. The right men in the wrong places can make all the difference in the world. So, wake up, my lords. Wake up and smell the ashes."