A/N: It's been too long. Way too long and I'm so sorry. School just has me so swamped and too tired to write. But thank you all so much for being patient and continuing to be supportive of my story and me. Your reviews are always welcomed and definitely appreciated. They keep me motivated to continue. With that being said, there's a trigger warning for this chapter involving self-harm and brief mention of suicide. Proceed with caution. If any of you reading are struggling with self-harm, suicidal thoughts, anything of that sort, my inboxes on tumblr (you-call-it-a-dude) and on here are always open and I'm here for any of you that may need it. Thank you again for the support, I hope you enjoy this next chapter.
Beca took a deep breath and exited the bathroom. Jesse, Aubrey, and Chloe were all at the table eating and acting as if nothing had happened. Chloe smiled up at Beca and patted the chair next to her. She nodded and sat down. She quietly ate her lunch without really acknowledging the conversation happening around her. She kept staring at Chloe's arms. She was wearing a short sleeve and her soft skin looked untouched. Beca didn't know how self-harm worked. She wasn't going to act like she did. Something she did know was that she wanted to bring this up to Chloe at some point, but not just yet.
That night when they all got home, Chloe decided she was going to take a shower. Beca asks if she could use the restroom before Chloe got in and that she would even start the water for her. The brunette went into the bathroom and started the shower. As a precaution, Beca cleared the razors from her shower and put them under the sink behind the toilet paper rolls for the time being. After she left the bathroom a topless Chloe greeted her. The redhead pulled her girlfriend in for a passionate kiss before thanking her. When Chloe walked into the bathroom and shut the door, Beca noted that this time she kept her pants on as opposed to being naked like she usually is before she enters the bathroom for a shower.
While Chloe took her long shower, Beca pulled out her laptop and did some research. She looked up self-harm and read up on it. She also looked up and read numerous articles on how to approach it and how to best be supportive of someone you love that self-harms. Beca fucked up a lot of things in her life, but this wasn't about to be one of them. She heard rustling in the bathroom and shut her laptop, placing it on the nightstand next to her bed. She waited patiently for a moment before Chloe came out dressed in her pajamas with her hair brushed. She looked adorable, like always. She opened her legs and patted the space between them.
"Come here, love. I wanna talk to you for a bit." Chloe's breath hitched and Beca could see the nervousness written all over her face. "It's okay, I promise." Beca said softly. Chloe crawled into the space between her legs and rested her back against her girlfriend's chest. The brunette wrapped her arms around and tightly and Chloe relaxed.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"I want to talk about what happened today." Beca said softly. Chloe immediately broke from the embrace and rolled over Beca's legs.
"I don't." She said with a sharp tone as she crawled in her spot on the bed, making sure to face away from the brunette.
"Why are you being so defensive?" Beca said with a bit of an attitude. She noticed it and quickly changed her tone to something softer. "I just want to talk, baby." She put her hand on Chloe's hip and she tensed up.
"Please, I really don't want to be touched right now." Beca pulled her hand away and frowned.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"I got slammed on the floor today by my abusive ex boyfriend. Excuse me for not wanting to be touched for a while." Chloe snapped. She ripped the blankets off of her and stomped into the bathroom.
"Chlo wait-" Beca was interrupted by the bathroom door slamming shut.
Once Chloe slammed the door shut behind her, she pressed her back to it and let out a shaky breath. Everything that happened today was hitting her all at once. She tried so hard not to let it bother her and she thought she was doing a good job, but Beca asking to talk about it triggered something in her. She became closed off and angry. On top of that, now Beca is probably going to be really mad at her and all these thoughts of Beca leaving her over this argument flood into Chloe's head. She slides down the door and rests her head against it. She shuts her eyes for a second before taking a deep breath and slamming the back of her head against the door.
"So stupid. You ruin everything, Chloe." She slammed her head against the door one more time before letting out a loud sob.
She hated herself and she hated the person she's become because of Luke. He took something from her that she can never get back. She used to love love and being in love. It was never something that scared her. Luke took that from her. No matter how much she tells herself she deserves love, all she can hear is the bullshit Luke told her throughout their relationship. His favorite things to tell her was that nobody will love her after him and that she deserved to get hit. Except she's found someone who loves her and who would never lay a hand on her, but all she can think about is the possibility of Beca not staying or giving up on her because she's damaged or Beca turning into something vicious in the next few months. She knows these thoughts are stupid and she feels stupid for thinking them, but she can't stop.
Chloe stood up from the bathroom floor and opened the medicine cabinet to pull out Neosporin. She grabbed a couple of cotton swabs from the drawer and sat on the closed lid of the toilet. She pulled up the left leg of her loose fitting pajama pants and stared at the five thin lines on her thigh. She doesn't know why she did it. She hadn't cut herself since 8th grade. The reason she stopped was because her best friend at the time accidentally cut too deep and killed herself. Chloe told her mom about her cutting after her friend's accidental suicide and her mom, unsure of what to say, simply told Chloe she was too pretty to be having scars on her body. She had found other ways to punish herself, ways that didn't leave marks. Things from pinching herself, punching walls, and other ways she's discovered over the years.
She doesn't know why today she needed to cut. She went into the bathroom after the situation with Luke because she was embarrassed that it happened in front of so many people. She had intended to go in there just to cry it out, but when she opened her medicine cabinet to pull out some Excedrin for her headache, she found the razor for that tool she has for scraping dead skin off of her feet. Without even thinking, she grabbed it, pulled down her pants, and started to cut. It wasn't until she was five cuts in that she snapped out of whatever daze she was in. She also realized she never cleaned off the razor before using it. She felt stupid after doing it so she cleaned off the blood, washed the razor, put it back in place, and left the bathroom.
Now she's at home, sitting on the toilet once again, looking down at those five cuts. They weren't thick and they weren't deep, but her not washing the razor came back to haunt her because now they're raised, red, and feel hot to the touch. She can't find any rubbing alcohol in this bathroom so she can't properly clean it. Which means she's going to have to ask Beca for the rubbing alcohol and then she'll have to tell Beca why she needs it. The thought of having to tell Beca about this makes Chloe anxious because then she's probably going to have to reveal her self-harm history to her. It wasn't something she looked forward to, but she also knew Beca would eventually find out and she really needed something to properly clean her cuts.
Chloe walked out of the bathroom and went into the bedroom to get Beca. Her breath hitched when she saw the brunette was gone, but she quickly calmed down when she was able to make out the sound of her voice coming somewhere from downstairs. She made her way over to the staircase and let out a long sigh before leaning against the banister to shout for Beca.
"Becs, can you come upstairs please?" Chloe shouted, immediately biting her lip afterward in anticipation.