Hallo. I'm back with a new story. Since it's based on actual theatre comedy from my country it's not gonna take long. For people who read my other two stories: "Brotherhood of D" and "Vine, Smoke and Exclamation" I just finished my uni exams and need some time to get back to writing.

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Testosterone

Summary: Luffy and Sanji, the waiters of Baratie, was very surprised when instead of wedding party guests, the restaurant was visited by a bunch of angry men. Apparently, the wedding between Portgas D. Ace, the famous ornithologist, and Carina, the pop star, went wrong. Very wrong. Fantastic. As if they didn't have their own problems. Based on Polish theatre comedy "Testosteron".

WARNING! The fic will contain conversations about sex and will not exactly talk nice about women. The original story is a tale of broken hearts of men but also that they are not saints either.

I neither own 'One Piece' nor 'Tesosteron'.

Oh, and btw, Garp is here the father, not grandpa. As I said the story is based on already existing comedy and while I hanged some stuff some needed to remain. It just so happened that Garp couldn't stay as a grandpa. Please ask questions if you have any. I'll try to clear everything as long as it won't spoil the fun.

Enjoy!

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Chapter 1

"Praise be to Jesus Christ." said the priest.

"Forever and ever. Amen." the parishioners answered as they made the symbol of the cross and put their hands to pray.

"Dear brothers and sisters. We meet on this beautiful day to connect the holy and irrevocable marriage knot of these two beloved children of the God."

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Ussop woke up in the car. He wasn't sure how it all started but he was sure of few things.

First one, his nose was broken and the blood covered his face. His suit was probably ruined but it wasn't the apogee of his problems.

Second, he was sitting between two men. The one on the left was a very tall, skinny and had an afro. He was wearing a white suit with orange shirt and a white furry coat with black-gray flowery ornaments. The crown-like hat was on the top of his head. He was looking at the landscape from behind his round orange glasses not caring what was happening inside the vehicle. The one on the right had dyed green hair, a scar on his left eye and classic motorcycle sunglasses. Three golden earrings were hanging from his earlobe. Similarly to the other man he was wearing a white jacket, but contrary a navy blue leather pants. He was looking ahead with an unreadable expression.

Third, the front sits were occupied by the man in his late fifties. He was drawing and looked pissed judging by his tightened muscles. It was hard to say how exactly he looked like from Usopp's position. The other man was quite tall, but not as tall as the one in orange glasses, and was this type of a big guy but as Usopp observed him he was also rather mellow.

At this moment said man looked at Usopp for a second. He had light brown hair, big black eyes and blue bruise on his whole nose. He looked away at the old driver.

"I-I'm af-afraid we pro-proceed t-too hasti-ly." he stuttered

The old man looked at him angrily.

"You're Ace's friend!" It was more of a statement than a question but the other one nodded anyway.

"You're his friend and you say 'too' fucking 'hastily'?"

The younger man wanted to add something more when he looked at the road and screamed. The old driver pressed the steering wheel and the car sent the loud sound of the klaxon. Then he suddenly turned the car. They barely managed to avoid the car accident.

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Sanji was polishing the tea spoons. The guests were suppose to be in Baratie at 3 p.m. so he and Luffy had only 2 hours until the start of the wedding party. Everything was ready but they must have made sure there was an order. The marriage couple were suppose to be some important people. It was a shame that Zeff was visiting North Blue and left the restaurant to Patty and Carne. Two cooks weren't the best at their job and Sanji would with pleasure take care of the kitchen but there was two main problems. First one, Luffy. The new waiter was a walking disaster and Sanji have to make sure he didn't destroyed anything. Second one was just taking with him on the den-den mushi.

"Don't think that you're gonna make me feel guilty with this silence." he said.

The female voice resounded in the speaker. The woman was angry.

"Oh! Because it's always ending like that-" he yelled angrily and swung his arm. The spoon fell out of his hand and with a twang hit the ground.

"-when a man shows you he cares." he added more gently. The woman added something. "I don't get it. Can't you, women, learn that when there is a problem you are supposed to talk about it! You are supposed..."

He heard a bipping sound of hung up.

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In the car Monkey D. Garp was in an aweful mood. This wedding was suppose went differently. The old marine should now see as his son kiss his bride. But this!

"What about Ace?" he asked others not really caring who would answer.

"I don't know..." Chopper said meekly "It was so crowded. Everyone was jumping at one another."

Garp shot his head and make a disgusted sound.

"You know what. I wouldn't want to have you in the squad if the war broke out." he said grimly.

Chopper curled up.

"I have an 'E'." he admitted with shame.

"A what?"

"An 'E' - Permanently incapable of serving in the army. So even if there was the outbreak I..." he stopped when Garp looked at him again. The old marine looked more and more angry with every passing minute. Not like anyone was going to blame him.

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"Why are you lying like that..." Sanji asked as he polished the calyxes "You wanna catch a cold? Come one. Stand up." he said as he looked down. "You want me to beg you? That's what you want? You can lie how long you want. I don't care" he muttered and looked at the glass for last flifth stain. "Don't even think I'm gonna beg you." he said more forcefully. He looked down again. "I don't give a fuck."

He left the room. The spoon was still on the ground.