Crack plotbunny that started as a joke in a much-longer Star Wars story. I do not own Star Wars nor it's characters, George Lucas and Disney do. I do not own Gilligan's Island or its original pilot, Sherwood Schwartz does. No characters of that universe are harmed or even appear. No profit has been made from this parody. It's only to make you snicker... Comments are welcome!
Touring production (or Gunray's Planet)
The smell of ozone and the acrid smell of charred hull and broken conduits hissed and steamed in the clear afternoon. One landing strut failed, leaving the Opee Scuppers' deck at an uncomfortable tilt at the bottom of a granite cliff by some lake or sea.
Inside, Sidious stired and frowned as portholes on one side showed grey-ish material and few struggling plants, while the other side looked out at pale blue-green sky. He opened the hatch and exited to observe the ship's condition. He frowned, his eyes showing gold before he shouted. "Gunray!"
Hearing no sound from the ship, he shouted for the useless Force-deaf man. "Gunray!" The beach showed little tidal effects on the rough sand. He gritted his teeth. "Gunray!"
Gunray woke from the shouting and blanched on seeing the others unconscious, if not dead. At the call, he licked his lips before he looked relieved. If I'm the only one alive, maybe he won't choke me. "Yes, Chancellor! I'm coming!"
Gunray ran out the hatch and tripped on the support, landing facefirst in the sand and skidding. His fear was delicious as he looked up at Sidious.
Sidious' face was nearly blank despite his concealed anger. With a wave of his hand, the Nemodian was hauled into an upright position. "This vessel you supplied is inadequate. The hull was nearly breached from routine maneuvers."
"Breached? You said this was a quick trip, with no combat… I have get back to keep the war rolling. Sir."
"It seems we will be taking longer." Sidious set his jaw as his eyes narrowed.
"Are- are they all still alive? What are you going to tell them?"
The Sith's smile was not worried as he strolled around the craft. "That is not your concern."
Gunray whined. "How are we going to get home? Look at those holes!"
Sidious' scowl smoothed back into calm, despite a twitch of his right hand.
The Nemodian cringed. "No, Master! I'm very happy to be here. I'm so happy I could kiss the ground." He put his face in the sand, which clung to his face when he peeked up at Sidious.
Sidious looked toward the ramp and showed the faintest of smiles.
Savage and Feral stepped out onto the sand and loop up and down the coast while Maul kept his distance from the water.
Feral bounced on his toes in the sand. "Isn't it wonderful, Savage? We're safe here."
"I never thought dirt could look so beautiful!" Savage was more relieved than happy.
"Don't yammer about it so much, brothers. Solid ground is a start… Tabula Rasa." Maul growled.
Feral looked up at his brother. "He even knows the name of this place, T'boola Ressa. No wonder you were promoted!"
Maul paused quizzically at Feral's statement. He was uncertain what his brother meant, admiration or mockery.
Sidious waited until the brothers exited the wreck and the last two stood on the ramp. "Now pay attention. There's been a change in our plans, which Gunray will detail."
"That's right, Masters. Instead of reaching Serenno, we barely managed to land right here to this very spot, wherever that is." Gunray kept looking at Sidious, Dooku, and Maul, too rattled to make more than token cringes.
Gunray bowed low to Tyranus and his lethal student as they stepped down to the sand to examine the Opee.
Ventress' grin was malicious as she looked at the trembling Gunray. "Thank you, steward."
"I wonder if tipping would be in bad taste?" The fallen Jedi felt only disdain for the merchant.
Feral, Maul, and Savage gathered near the worst damage of their ship.
"Master, there was a time back there when I thought my brothers would be left behind..." Maul worried.
Savage spoke right up. "I want to thank you too, Master. I was sure I was gonna end up cut in half or reeducated by those weaklings."
"I'm especially glad that I didn't drown, Master, because I don't even know how to swim." Feral smiled as he looked at the water.
Sidious paused at Feral's statement.
Tyranus and Ventress made their way along the length of the craft. Sidious and Gunray met them mid-way.
"Oh, Viceroy. Would you have your man remove our luggage from this vessel?Dooku's smile was barely hidden."
Gunray looked about, seeking hidden droids or servants or even what luggage was meant. "I'd be happy to, General. Where would you have it taken?"
Tyranus waved. "Oh, someplace where the speeder can pick it up and take us to the nearest hotel."
Gunray's hands clurched at nothing. "I don't even know where we are. For all I know, this planet is uninhabited."
"Oh, nonsense. The Diplomat has hotels everywhere."
"Quite right, my dear Master." Ventress' teeth showed as she smiled.
"I believe that miscalculated jump took the ship far away from the capital, Masters. The navigation computer needs outside the gravity well to take readings and calculate. The planet doesn't even appear on standard charts." Maul picked at the covering on his prosthetics.
Tyranus snorted. "Well, you should have gotten your charts from a more reliable source, perhaps the Gungans."
Angry at Tyranus' attitude, Sidious swept an arm, crushing the older Sith up and against the hull to stillness and gaping mouth. "You live at my sufferance, my disappointing student."
When he was released, Tyranus dropped to the sand and struggled to his knees, his voice cracked and frail. "Yes, my Master."
Maul's anger was almost hidden as the ship's comm was spread out over a bench and only partly assembled. "Kriffin junk! This thing barely has any more range than a personal comm. No relays, no signal…"
"Galaxy news, from the Federated Networks with Krolla Pann… (long pause) ...tic Senate is meeting behind closed doors again today and Tish Heartly their most popular spokeswoman is still missing after the fighting. Most of the GAR is under a cease..."
Maul adjusted a board. "Defective Federation harness. The… no handshake signal going out at all."
"The Core worlds and major space lanes' search for the FSS Opee Scuppers has proven unsuccessful. The judiciary and coalition of planetary leaders are demanding..."
Sidious listened from the passageway.
"...armed courier usually ferries tourists among the Core worlds, but has not been seen for a month. The Senate and the GAR are cutting back the search until new leads develop... And now the latest from markets. Trade on Coruscant's market is up, but still not to previous levels. Other outer markets are rebounding faster including the…."
The cyborg turned off the comm and reached for a circuit board.
Tyanus charged in and rushed to the comm to activate it again. "Don't turn that off! That's the best part."
"Really?" Maul clenched his fists.
Scanning the dimmed interior, Sidious seemed to almost meditate. "So here we pause on an isolated planet, uninhabited, unexplored, uncharted..."
Savage wanted to scream. "I get it, already. Just color us lost. Master."
"I have seen that our only chance of rescue is if Maul here can get the communications repaired. Then we can summon transportation and useful puppets."
Maul snarled at the parts as he tinkered. "I've been trying, but it's very difficult without the proper tools and in this light."
Sidious ordered the others to useful tasks. Gunray sent out into the water to collect as much seafood as he could. He clutched a broken support as a weapon. The energetic Savage and Feral were to start making a cave in the bluff.
Sidious walked over to the last two. Tyranus and Ventress were overseeing Maul, and not making any useful suggestions. "Tyranus?"
"Quiet, please… Master." The older man peered at the comm.
With a Force shove at his most arrogant apprentice, Sidious allowed his irritation to swell over the other three. "You two will find a fresh water source."
Tyranus seemed unconcerned. "And?"
Sidious stared at them. "I don't care if you have to bring it back a bucket at a time so I can bathe every hour on the hour. There's a bucket somewhere."
"I'm a lord, I don't do menial work."
Ventress shook her head in agreement.
Tyranus smiled. "Of course dear old dad left me everything, so I didn't have to sweat.
Then Sidious scowled at the gall of Tyranus and Ventress. His eyes turned a sulfuric yellow as he crushed their lungs. "You do not rule here. Get the water."
Maul took the opportunity to take his project outside, where the light was better and where Dooku was not being humiliated.
As ordered, Gunray brought back a fish past the water's edge, placing it near Maul.
With a better view of the circuits in the sunlight, Maul made quick progress.
Gunray brought in a larger fish to pile with the others. When it started dragging itself toward the water, Gunray clubbed it with his hunting stanchion.
Maul worked on the comm and spoke into the microphone. "Test, one, two, three, four." His comm was wired to a monitor and showed a signal reception.
Maul grinned. "It works. I fixed it." Maul excitedly left his work area and rushed to where Sidious was watching his brothers.
"Excellent, my apprentice."
Another huge fish was flopped onto the beach pile and starts moving aimlessly. Gunray returned to the water.
The fish, or more properly amphibian, plowed through Maul's work space, scattering the tools and parts on its way back to the ocean.
Maul waited several minutes until Sidious gave his attention. "Master, Master, The transmitter works! I found the break in the printed circuit and I fixed it. Now it works sending a signal to my comm."
Then he led Sidious back to work area, where the parts were scattered and transmitter gone.
Maul shook with anger and hidden fear. "It was right here right next to my comm".
Sidious looked doubtful. "You mean right here?"
"I know I fixed it. The meter still shows the signal reception."
Gunray continued bring more fish, mostly large. That was safer than drawing the Sith's attention.
Sidious sounded angry. "Come, Maul. If it was right here with the comm, how could it vanish? You were the only one here, and that one would not dare."
When another creature with a long snout this time was dropped and a water bottle was gone when it crawled away.
Sidious frowned as he killed the fish and pulled the bottle from the corpse. "Now I know how it could vanish. Check on your brothers and make sure they have not crushed themselves."
Savage and Feral compared their progress when Maul arrived to supervise their work. Savage, sweaty and dusty from the excavation, grinned, showing teeth. "Hold the next chunk will you? I'd prefer it didn't land on my foot this time."
Maul readied his connection to the force. The conic slice making a third of a circle still glowed from Savage's light saber. A pile of rock, part broken and part smooth was beside the shallow cave, and Feral kept adding to it.
Savage did not look up from the cut he was making. "How long do you really think we'll be on this planet?"
"With the transmitter missing, we're stuck here. The Inferior Army and Senate have already lost interest. Unless one of the Jedi seizes the power in vengeance or obsession, it could be weeks, or even months. No wonder Master insisted on shelter."
Sidious arrived and his smile was cruel. "No, Maul. Three shelters. One for me, one for General Dooku, and a third for the rest of you until you earn the privilege of more."
Savage and Feral resumed their carving of the rock when Sidious swept away.
Feral huffed a laugh between tasks. "Isn't it fun, being castaway on an empty planet?
After wiping off sweat, Savage looked at his brother. "Oh, yeah. Loads of laughs. You do the carving for a while."
Gunray, smiling, ran up to the gritty Darksiders. He looked wet and cool and almost happy. "Hi, can I help? I'm very good at fishing, so I can do something else."
"I'm very good at wishing. And I wish you'd get lost." Savage snarled.
Dejected, Gunray's face turns from a smile to fear. He fled.
"Brother, I'm surprised at that. Why bother with him?"
Savage yanked the unfinished cut out with a puff of rock powder. "Feral, it's Gunray's fault we're stuck on this kriffing place. He selected that inadequate ship, just to save a few credits. How many other ways did his greed sabatage the Master's campaign?"
"He's a Neimoidian. What do you expect out of the purse worlds?"
Savage snickered. "I'll bet he isn't really going to live long, and I'll give you six points".
Gunray waded back into the edge of the ocean, and struggled with a larger fish. His eyes bugged out as he struggled against being pulled deeper. Panting, he staggered back onto the beach, with scrapes and bruising.
Ventress paused after loading fresh water from the bucket into the tank, while Dooku sat meditating on the deck of the Opee. She saw Gunray as he struggled with the last huge fish. "Master, look at that."
Tyranus raised his arm to shade his eyes and get a better look at Gunray's efforts. "Why, it's Gunray, he seems to have some competence at killing fish."
"So the worm is good at baiting fish. Do we need that many, Master? We surely cannot preserve many."
Gunray carried the big fish and added it to the pile of fish he's caught. Gunray rearranged the fish when an unfish-like sound comes from the pile.
"...and now it's time for your daily cardio again. Open the windows, if you can in your neighborhood, and take a deep breath..."
Confused, Gunray looked around to locate the source of the voice. He put one ear toward the ground.
"...and let good ol' Tropical T'jiim help you increase your conditioning. First, let's try a simple knee bend. Hands on hips now, long or short doesn't matter. Bend at the knees and here we go."
The hapless flunky cocked his head and stepped around the fish to determine which fish is 'speaking.'
"One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Up, down, three, four. Up, down, three, four. C'mon, you! Let's get with it."
"I mean you, my loyal fan, yes."
Gunray began knee bends according to Tropical T'jiim's instructions.
"...we go, down we go. Up we go, down we go. Up, down, up, down."
The Neimoidian shook his head and stopped his exercise. Cursing, he resumed searching for the sound, centering on the huge pile of fish".
"...Up, down, up, down."
Gunray circled the pile.
"...Up, down, up, down. That's enough now. Relax."
Gunray stopped when the signal went silent, and kicked the pile. The sound changed to tree drum music. Startled, Gunray kicked the mass again and the sound changed to the roar of a pod race.
"...the leaders finished the first lap of the Vinta Harvest Classic, with the Baselisk newcomer Nith Veillon holding a lead over veterans from Ando and Tattoine. We're having a large turnout this year as the peace talks are getting underway. Last year's winner, Edos 'Bloodtooth' Buccheri, is trying to catch up after being skimmed by the Hutt sponsored driver. We can see who they don't want winning this time, can't we? What do you think fans, can Moge Rreris stay in the race long enough to affect the outcome? Pib our survey before the third lap to win a prize package..."
Gunray stopped. "Come on, Bloodtooth!"
The pile stopped emitting sounds, so Gunray kicked again. The feed changed back to tree drum music.
Stopping before he could hit the fish again, Gunray chewed the air. "The comm. I found it." Gunray trotted back toward the Sith with a hopeful look.
Feral, Savage, are working on the caves while Sidious observed them. Sidious made an involuntary face when he faintly heard the tree drum music before he realized what he heard.
Gunray ran up to them. "I've got it! I've got it! We're saved!"
Sidious smiled, but not a smile any wanted to see. "You might be saved. Explain."
"The fish must have swallowed the comm Some fish in the pile over there..." Gunray's skin changed color as he looked at the ground.
Maul, Savage, Feral, Sidious, and Gunray rushed to Gunray's pile of fish.
"Grab a fish and start feeling for that comm. If I learn that you damaged it… you will not regret it for long. Sidious commanded with an oily voice, staying back with a good view.
Maul laid a fish on a smoother rock and began to gut the fish. But he looked puzzled as he kept slowing. After the first fish, his face changed and he returned to the ship.
Then Maul checked the comm and made a quick adjstment before resturning to the others at the fish pile."Master! Master, wait. There's an easier way to do it. Now I've just tuned this comm to the same channel as the music. Now, if you just speak into the fish, we'll be able to hear you on the persona; comm."
Sidious takes the comm from Maul and stats to walk away. "Say something to a fish!"
Gunray picks up a small fish from the pile of fish. "I don't know what to say. I've never talked to a fish before."
Maul looked glum. "Say anything."
"Hello there, fish."
"Hello there, louder." Gunray pleads.
Feral and Savage snicker at him.
Sidious listened to the comm at a distance, but didn't hear any sound.
Savage held a spiny one up. "Get me off this planet, fish.
Feral speaks into a fish. "You know me. I am your kin! Do not do this!"
"Transferring depreciated equipment to charitable or useless causes provides both credit on revenue and way to launder losses on covert missions…" Gunray seemed to be calming.
Dooku and Ventress walk up toward the other castaways, dusty but otherwise neat, a hose and shallow basin. They appeared positively puzzled at the odd behavior of the others. Tyranus glanced at Ventress in a genteel surprise.
Maul growls. "Now hear this. Now hear this..."
Savage said, "Please get me off this island, fish!"
The brothers and Gunrey all speak at the same time into their fish.
Ventress smiled ironically. "They've all gone mad, Master."
Sidious waved at the others and their fish pile to the Dooku and Ventress. "I want you to grab a fish and say something into it."
Tyranus objected to wading into the fish. "Now just one moment."
"Do it, my Apprentice. Say something into it and then move on to the next." He thundered at the older Sith.
Tyranus backed down. "Yes, my Master." He placed the basin on the sand alongside Ventress' hose.
The other others continued speaking into their respective fish and Sidious listened to the comm.
Ventress held the fish while Dooku spoke into it.
Tyranus spoke with cold disdain. "I see that you are completely ineffective Mister Eval. You could not even detect the mole when your winnowing failed..."
He nodded at Ventress, who selected another fish.
They all continued to speak into their fish at the same time, seated between piles of fish.
Maul spoke into his fish. "Without that transmitter, we could be here for a very long time."
Gunray sat up. "Hey, I know how we can be saved."
Dooku glared at him. "Gunray, I don't want to hear it."
A spaceship engine drone whined above them.
Gunray cringed. "Okay, I won't tell you about the ship up there."
Sidious shot a look at him. "Ship?"
The dark siders jumped to their feet.
Feral grinned as they all looked up. "A ship! A real live ship!"
An interceptor flew low enough to be identified as an Actis.
Sidious glared about him. "We've got to attract their attention. Then we can easily overcome the weakling."
Dooku frowned. "How, Sidious?
Feral piped up. "We'll use the fish. We'll line them up on the beach to spell out the word 'help.' I'll make the first letter.
"That is a stupid idea, even for a youngling." Dooku crossed his arms. "They are too high to read anything at that speed. We should prepare a signal fire and keep watch. First priority is survival."
"We carved a spring and can pipe it here by the ship. At least we can drink after we gut these things, one and all." Ventress curled her lip looking at the brothers in similar disdain.
The interceptor was long gone. But they weren't leaving anytime soon.