Binas: This is a oneshot. A very messed up oneshot that came spur of the moment. If you easily get mortified, I advise you flee while you still can. This story was inspired by one of the videos about annoying customers on Planet Dolan.
It was a rather mediocre day in the Akatsuki Headquarters in the Hidden Rain. There was not much going on outside of the ordinary. That did not mean that the headquarters was quiet.
The artistic duo were once more arguing about art, providing background noise for those who could not stand absolute silence. As far as anyone could tell, it was a mild one as Sasori had yet to attempt to poison his blonde smartass of a partner.
Itachi was sitting in a chair off to the side reading a book that he had found in the headquarter's library titled "The Tales of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi". Kisame was sitting off to Itachi's left, made sure his sword was in prime condition for the next victim he was allowed to shred to ribbons.
Kakuzu was doing the most predictable thing, counting his money and creating next year's budget. His red-green eyes occasionally looked up to scowl at the artistic duo for going over budget last year and the year before. Those two just had to spend a lot on art supplies and making repairs to their rooms after an argument over art blossomed into a war of the art philosophies.
Then there was Itachi, whose secret stash of expensive weak prescription medicine was the biggest money drainer. Kakuzu had no idea what Itachi needed the medicine for, but he wished that he would get whatever was going taken care of properly so the Akatsuki would not have to spend anymore money on stuff that was obviously doing nothing to improve whatever Itachi was trying to improve.
Nothing new, just the usual stuff going on for the most part. Well, that was until someone stumbled into the room, causing everyone to look up. It was Hidan, and aside from the blood stains littering his cloak, there was something off about him.
"What's up bitches?" Hidan slurred.
Kakuzu glared at Hidan as he tossed down the budget and the money he was counting on the table next to him. He sternly said, "Hidan, what the hell were you up to?"
"Nothing," Hidan said with a great big grin that was unsettlingly gleeful, "I was only getting something to cool off with then some random dipshit gave me something that is making me feel freakin' great!"
"Hidan, you're drunk." Kakuzu growled as his eyes narrowed into demonic slits.
"I'm not drunk, you old fart!" Hidan exclaimed as he stumbled a bit, grabbing the attention of the others in the room, "The guy said it was a slushie and not alcoholic!"
Kakuzu whacked Hidan upside the head. His partner could be so stupid almost every single time. Hidan yelped out of pain as his eyes crossed a bit from the amount of blunt force Kakuzu put into his hardened hand.
"I'm not drunk!" Hidan repeated as he threw a sloppy fist at Kakuzu, which Kakuzu did not even have to move to dodge. Hidan tripped over his own feet and face planted onto the ground, which his scythe stabbing him in the back.
Kisame looked on with an amused expression as he watched Hidan stumble about, slurring his words as he kept on denying how stoned he was. Deidara and Sasori briefly stopped their fighting, the former snickering at Hidan's predicament while the latter just facepalmed.
"Ya know what, Kakuzu?" Hidan said as he jabbed a finger at Kakuzu's arm, mistaking it for his torso, "This what I think of you and everyone in this Jashin damned organization!"
Hidan went into the center of the room, with his scythe still embedded in his back, and stripped off his cloak. By this point, Itachi looked up, wondering what Hidan was doing now. Then came the shocking parts. Hidan threw off his pants and underwear, causing all amusement to be drained from the Deidara and Kisame's faces. Grunting sounds filled the room, causing an uproar of disgust from the now mortified ninjas in the room. Not even Itachi could hold onto his expressionless visage as his eyes widened and used his hand to cover his mouth. The raven head began to feel his lunch come up in the form of bile from the pits of his stomach. Deidara's face paled as all of his blood went cold. His mouth hung wide open as he held his nose, which was offended by the smell that danced around the room.
"What the hell?!" Kisame swore as he gave an appalled look at Hidan.
"Disgusting!" Sasori seethed as his right eye twitched with anger.
Hidan had left a massive pile of crap in the middle of the room. A steaming pile of shit. Kakuzu stared at what was in front of him, letting his silence speak out his anger. He lunged a hand out at Hidan and grabbed the drunk, naked shinobi by his arm. With a bit of shoulder rotation and force, Kakuzu threw Hidan out the closed window, sending the albino flying into the next door building. Glass shards littered the floor as the Hidan-shaped hole in the window began to crumble.
"Does anyone have brain bleach, un?" Deidara asked as he shielded his eyes.
"I could use some myself…" Itachi muttered as he turned his head away from Hidan's mess.
At that moment, Pein and Konan entered the room. Pein had intended to quell the fighting, but he found that he no longer had to deal with fighting. No, he had to deal with was sat in the middle of the room. Konan closed her eyes and looked away from the offensive substance and cringed.
"Which one of you used the bathroom in the middle of recreation room?" Pein asked in a low, dangerous voice.
"It was Hidan." Kakuzu growled, "The dumbass went and got himself stoned without even knowing it."
"Clean it up." Pein demanded as he pointed at Hidan's defecation, "All of you. I want that gone right now."
Kakuzu, Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, and Kisame looked at each other. They gave each other horrified looks at each other and the pile of crap as Pein and Konan left the room.
"I'm going to kill that moron." Kakuzu seethed.
"Can I use him as a test subject for my poisons?" Sasori asked as he raised Hiruko's tail a bit, making it secrete a bit of metallic poison from the sharp tip.
"I want to shred him up." Kisame stated as he raised Samahade.
"He is going to learn the true meaning of art, un." Deidara said with malice lacing his voice.
Itachi said nothing, not wanting to get involved in torturing Hidan for that stunt. He instead grabbed some heavy duty gloves and began cleaning up Hidan's poop. The smell was so awful that it made him want to vomit more and more as he removed the vile substance.
'Using Tsukuyomi or any genjutsu on Hidan would be a waste of chakra.' Itachi thought.