Set in Harry's 5th year. Harry had normal day and Voldemort is little sleepy.
Pairing: Harry Potter/Lord Voldemort
Warning: crazy fic, crack fic, NO BETA!
I do not own Harry Potter!
„Harry, Harry, Harry! Are you listening to me? " asked Hermione Granger.
Harry Potter was with his friends in common room. It was evening and there were not many people.
"Yes, Hermione? Did you say something?"
She frowned at him: "Yes, I did! I wanted to know which skirt is better?"
Girl showed him one very short blue skirt, and another long red skirt. Harry had no fashion sense, and it didn't matter to him. Hermione really thinks he can deal with it?
"Hermione, best skirt is the one you're wearing with the school uniform." Harry replied. Hermione frowned at him.
"Harry, if you don't want to choose a skirt, then you have to wear it!"
"What?" yelled Harry, but Hermione didn't listen to him and handed him a blue skirt. Then she pulled out her wand and headed it at him.
"If you won't wear it, I'll curse you and change you into a girl!" Harry swallowed. He looked around, but no one was in the room, not even Ron, they all disappeared somewhere. And his best friend was acting very strangely.
"Hermione, I think you are a little tired today, maybe you could go rest." suggested quietly boy.
"No!" The girl waved her wand and Harry was wearing a skirt. Harry frantically shouted and tried to take cloth down, so something would not accidentally show.
"Hermione, are you crazy?" Asked the boy-who-now-wear-mini-skirt, but nobody was in the room already.
Voldemort had enough of his Death Eaters. Everyone was impossible, did not fulfil his orders, and in their minds was a big amount of entirely unimportant crap.
"Of course, now that my daughter is in this age, she wants to listen to the fairy tales of princes and princesses." said one of the Death Eaters in the group.
Voldemort walked around and just shook his head. Just like this, who's interested in princes and princesses, no such things exist now days.
When he came into his chambers, he saw how Nagini sleeping nears the fire. The Dark Lord sat down in the chair, drinking the wine. How ridiculous, princes and princesses, such stupidity would likely be interesting to Potter. Holy Potter, so many times he escaped so many times and had to be saved by somebody, just like princess in a fairy-tale. Voldemort snorted. Princess Harry Potter, that's quite good description.
So this was really weird. Nobody is in the castle. He was walking in hallways, but met neither the professor nor the student, not even ghost. Portraits keep still, only torches were lit on. Outside was already dark and slowly was time when all students go sleep.
Harry came into the hall on the fourth floor when he finally found someone. Somebody, but not person he wanted to see now.
"Malfoy, what are you doing here, where is everybody?" Harry asked, hoping Malfoy would not laugh too loud when he'll see him in a skirt.
"Potter, um, well you're here! Everyone else, of course, are preparing for tonight already!" Malfoy replied haughtily.
"Preparing for what?"
"Potter, don't play moron, like my servant you have to know." Then he turned and began to pull the thick iron chain.
Harry didn't know why Malfoy need chain until he was take away. Chain was attached to the collar on his neck! He tried to pull, yell at Malfoy, but nothing happened. Finally, they stopped on the first floor in an empty classroom.
"Potter, clean all this up! In the corner it is a broom and I don't want to see a mess in the morning." command Malfoy and left room.
The Dark Lord woke up. He is sitting in a chair in the hall at Hogwarts. Frantically she started looking around and thinking, how he could get here. He would understand that he fell asleep on a chair, but how he could to the Hogwarts as well as with the chair is unbelievable!
"My lord, I finally found you!" shouted a Death Eater, who ran to him.
"We were looking for you, you must choose a bride. It's right time as all preparing are done." said the Death Eater with masks and grabbed Voldemort to take him away.
Dark Lord flinched and looked for his wand. How dare someone to touch him! A few minutes of crucio will help him with his thoughts. Now problem is that he can't find his wand. Where could he lose it?
"My Lord, what do you do? In the Great Hall are waiting for you many women." said calmly Death Eater.
"What?!" exclaimed the Dark Lord, and when he lifted his head, they appeared in the Great Hall.
Hall was full of people, especially women. He saw Bellatrix in corset dress in blood-red colour. He has seen various other women who had clothes of different colours, even saw a woman from the Order. And all these women looked at him like a piece of meat.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please, say hello to your host Lord Voldemort!" said loudly beside him Lucius Malfoy in his Death Eater mask.
All people in the room bowed, but as soon as they stood up again, he was scared how women surrounded him.
"My lord, please, choose me!"
"My lord, our children will be strong and healthy!"
"My lord, I'm sure you ..."
Vodemort did the only thing he could without his wand. He turned and ran from the hall. Unfortunately, all women ran after him.
It's been ten minutes since Harry left the room where he was brought by Malfoy. He began to look for other people, but he is struggling. When he opened next door to another empty class room, room was not as empty as it should be. Inside was the amount of robes that were suitable only for the ball.
'Finally I get rid of that horrible skirt!'
Harry took off all clothes that he wear and put on a nice green robe. When he was finally dressed up, he went out of the room and continued to search.
From the hall near to him he heard noise and therefore headed in that direction. When he was almost at the corner, a person ran from there and collided with him. Both landed on floor and a lot of people, who were likely to go after that person, now stopped when they saw them.
"Ugh, could you ... get down of me?"
"What?" snapped a familiar voice.
So it is really great. While trying to escape from terrible crazy women, he has to run into Potter. He looked at boy, who stared at him. It would be ridiculous and funny, but without wand he really didn't want to be close to Potter.
The boy probably wanted to say something, but another voice interrupted.
"Congratulations to you, my boys. I am glad that Lord Voldemort finally chose a wife." said Albus Dumbledore, who slowly came from behind women. He was wearing a silver nasty robe that twinkling worse than the Christmas tree.
"What? I didn't choose anyone, you old crazy!" I shouted at him.
"What do you mean? After all chose young Harry as your wife. Come on, boys, we should start preparing for the wedding." nicely smiled the old goat.
Boy lying under him blanched and only opened his mouth as he stared at the old man. I had a desire to do the same, but I am the Dark Lord. The old goat had to overdose with his sweets.
"I am a boy!" Potter yelled out.
Voldemort has finally stood up and Harry jumped to his feet.
Women and the Death Eaters were watching started disagree:
"It is love at first sight!"
"My Lord, you have a really good wife."
"Congratulations to you both, you will have certainly very happy life together!"
"I did NOT choose him!" I shouted angrily.
About 5 seconds was quiet. But then again talked the crazy silver goat:" My boy, what are you talking about? You did choose Harry." He said while pointing at Potter's forehead.
We both looked at him as a madman. Dumbledore frowned.
"I see that you are confused, my boys, but nothing can be done. You two need to get married."
Harry wanted to cry, or scream, or maybe just kill Dumbledore. He didn't want to marry for Voldemort!
"I will not marry him!" I yelled.
Dubledore just shook his head and looked at us like WE were crazy. In this situation, is certainly, that Voldemort is reasonable person here.
When the Dark Lord wanted to say something, Dumbledore gave to Voldemort some strange little stick with chocolate. It was muggle sweets, Pocky. Harry wanted to ask Dumbledore why he gave that to him, but both, he and Voldemort, appeared on the edge of the cliff. Below them was a stormy sea. Voldemort was wearing a very elegant robe, all black, with silver ornaments. Harry was wearing white robe with gold ornaments.
Voldemort looked back and literally growled. Harry also looked that way and saw all his friends, standing between a Death Eaters. The entire audience smiled at them, some women like Mrs. Weasley and Bellatrix were crying. Dumbledore stood near to them, in a pink robe with colourful hearts.
"We met here tonight, at this wonderful place to see the wedding of Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort. Now I ask engaged couple to eat pocky together, until you kiss. This special kiss will be proof that they are officially married. "
Kiss, kiss Voldemort. And they have eaten pocky. A kiss. That was the only thing Harry caught the attention.
"No!" Voldemort rejected immediately.
Dumbledore just shook his head sadly.
"My dear boy, you two will marry right now or we will push you from that cliff." And with that Dumbledore and all guests pointed wands at them.
Crazy, just crazy. Everyone here just went mad. His Death Eaters, Order, the whole world. It looks like Potter is the only normal person here besides him.
He hated him heading wand and turned to the boy.
"Potter! Just let's do it!"
BWL's eyes almost popped out.
"Have you gone mad as well?"
"No," I was angry and pulled the boy near to me, "We will do this and run away as soon as possible, or do you want to fight all at once?" I whispered.
Potter looked around for a second, as if he would rather fight with Dubledore than kissing me. Well, I don't want to fight with crazy old man.
I gave the stupid muggle sweet in my mouth and grabbed the boy's chin. With the other hand I grabbed him around the waist and forced him to eat slowly the other end.
When our lips finally met, it was quite pleasant feeling. Potter lips were soft and slightly tingling. I had the urge to lick them, but rather pulled away. Brat had slightly glazed eyes.
The people who were watching began to clap and ran to them. Everyone began to congratulate them and give them gifts. Although why they gave them chocolate tree and stone frogs no one understood.
After 15 minutes almost all people lest. Last people on cliff were Voldemort, Potter and Dumbledore.
"I'm so happy you, my boys. I hope that you will enjoy wedding night." said punk old goat and disappeared.
Outside it was cold night and they stood on the edge of the cliff in the full moon light.
"Wedding night?" squeaked the boy.
I wanted to tell him back something unpleasant, but I felt like portkey took us somewhere away.
Portkey stopped, but Harry didn't want to open his eyes. He felt that Voldemort landed on him again. When Harry and Voldemort moved, they moaned.
I immediately opened my eyes and realized three things:
1) We were lying on the huge bed fully nude
2) Voldemort looked at me and was totally hard
3) I was blushing, but I wasn't doing better than Voldemort.
Voldemort looked down, and then met with Harry's eyes. He grinned.
"I think while we're here, we can also have fun." said the Dark Lord.
I wanted to ask him what he meant, but I got a response. Voldemort started to move and we both at once moaned again. I should throw him off of myself, but his hand found my nipple and my hands then refused to move. When I looked into his eyes, I knew that this will be quite crazy but enjoyable experience. I nodded and Voldemort kissed me hard. His tongue found its way into my mouth. When he moved away we both started loudly moan when our sensitive areas meet again.
"Harry! Harry! Come on, mate, wake up! "
I opened my eyes and saw blurred Ron. WHAT? After all, I was in bed with ... with him. I blankly looked at my old friend.
"What happened? Why am I in the bedroom?"
"What do you mean? Normally, you went to sleep, but a while ago you started mumbling and moaning from a dream. Perhaps you had a nightmare, so I've woken you up." said Ron calmly, ignoring the discomfort of his friend.
"Oh, so… ehm, thank you, uh, you can go to sleep." said Harry and Ron just smiled and went to lie down in his own bed.
Harry sat for a while and then he peek under blanket. He frowned.
"Now I probably will not fall asleep for a while." I sighed, and I tried very hard to ignore hard part of my body.
Voldemort woke up to the fact that someone was whispering something in his ear.
~ Wake up, it's just a dream. ~
~ Nagini, what are you doing? ~
~ I'm trying to wake you up obviously, you had a bad dream. ~ replied huge snake and slid down from his master.
Voldemort looked around and saw that he was sitting in a chair in his room. So everything was just a crazy dream, and he really didn't marry Harry Potter. However, when the Dark Lord glared at his lap, nothing has changed. Tent in his pants didn't want to disappear.
About three days later:
"Do you have any new informations about Potter, Severus?" I asked.
"My lord, nothing unusual, just ..." his Death Eater paused for a moment.
"Potter, for some reason still thinks that the engaged couple during the wedding have to eat some stupid muggle sweets while standing on the edge of the cliff." said Snape.
Voldemort only nodded and when Snape had nothing more to say he sent him away.
When the Dark Lord was sitting alone in the throne, in while he quietly whispered: "When I get the prophecy I will never open the connection between us."
When Death Eaters entered room, in Voldemort's mind flew annoying idea.
' Maybe next time we will enjoy our wedding night without interruption.'