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MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!

SEVERUS SNAPE…

VS…

TARA MARKOV!

BEGIN!

Tara Markov:
My name is Terra, and I'm here to rock the wizard world tenaciously;
Watch me command the microphone with utmost double-agency!
I'm powered with supremacy; the very Earth bends to me,
So watch your mouth, or this'll go down as your worst memory!
I was on my own, performing hits out on the street,
While your cuckolded ass was dangling upside-down by your feet!
I'm Terra-forming raps so venomous, you can't recover;
Snuffing out your wack Patronus like Bambi's mother!
Oh, Snivellus: if only someone out there loved you;
Shame Lily'd never let you Slytherin her muddy, bloody snatch!
I solemnly swear: ending you for good is what I'm up to,
Marauding all over these beats, I'll wipe your name right off the map!
Though Prongs saved you from Moony, I'm the Wolfman work who'll see you finished:
When my rhymes erupt, they'll set your ass on fire, like it's Quidditch!
Don't look for the reagents, which do not exist,
That you'd need to concoct a comeback half as hot as this!

Severus Snape:
Ah, yes: Miss Markov, our newest teenage prodigy;
Now watch me knock her off her perch like it's the Titanomachy!
I see what's up in your warped mind, not to be tattling off;
What, did you think that I'd be blind? You aren't battling Toph!
There's naught mysterious about it: you're a ticking time bomb;
A Cursed Child, just about as Terrible as Trigon,
And you're three times a bigger bitch than any corridor guard,
But try to Terra-ize me, and you're gonna Die Hard!
Pussy Pryde's about to find that this professor spits Uncannily:
Life isn't fair, but I'll see that you're beaten evenhandedly!
You've no defense against the dark artistry of my verses,
For your crimes are unforgivable as any killing curse is!
Don't expect you'll hit your mark, stone-throwing at me from afar,
When your best-written adaptations missed the point of what you are!
Like Sectumsempra, my sharp words will cut you deep until you're minced,
And this whole battle's the property of the Half-Blood Prince!

Tara Markov:
Well, Harry says that you're the bravest, but I'd say you've got a death wish,
If this Markovian Half-Blood Princess is one you'd mess with!
Go ingest your potions straight up your posterior hole,
'Cause even next to Gabe himself, I'm the superior Mole!
Methinks your little book of tricks could use some further annotation;
I'm ousting you from your station, so brace for defenestration!
You'll need more than Liquid Luck to stand against my solid might;
The aftershock of this'll wreck you like that fateful Hallows' Night!

Severus Snape:
I'm twice the nature-force this sour sixteen, chain-smoking skank is:
Watch me work my magic Mojo, and you'll know just what my rank is.
Like the seventh movie's posters, know there's nowhere safe to hide
When I go harder than the diamond Beast Boy thought you were inside!
This Terra's heart couldn't be more dark if Xehanort possessed her;
She never saw the new Millennium, and won't last one semester
Of my private lecturing on why she's rotten to the bone!
There's just no future for this wretched thing, unless we count her clone!
They gave your Two-Faced ass a hero's funeral like Harvey Dent,
But there's no doubt you're burning down below: just see when Harley went!
Take off those leather pants, you hooker; this ain't the cartoon.
Spoiler alert: Snape kills this dumb blonde whore; leaves her parts strewn!
Man, you let Slade into your chamber; it's an open secret
That he fucked you like an animal, though Gar won't believe it,
And I'm not a Basilisk, nor do they call me Jericho,
So look me in the eyes, and tell me that you'd been Imperio'd!
Tara Markov: Well, you could say I-
Snape: I was being rhetorical, you flipping whore,
And just for speaking out of turn, that's fifty points from Gryffindor!
Neville Longbottom: But this girl's not even a student!
Snape: Oh, who cares? It's year five,
And you'll still thank me at the end, when Harry Potter is alive!

Tara Markov:
In truth, I wasn't drugged or brainwashed, though you surely must be high;
That's right: this sorcerer is stoned, and he can go ahead and try
To shame me all he wants, but still, I've absolutely no regrets, sir!
Beast Boy: …Even after all this time?
Tara: Nope, never!
You can't fade away the hate my hard heart harbors for heroics,
'Cause it's Black as Night, for Sirius, and I ain't scared to show it!
Now look me right in the eyes; I want the boss to see it clearly
As I savor severing the ass of Severus severely!

Severus Snape:
Turn to page thirty-seven of Annual number three,
Where they spell out the true psychosis, plain for everyone to see,
Of Bad Luck Tara: shakes the continental shelf,
Intent on killing everybody; kills nobody but herself.
They say that Rowling wrote a finer romance in one chapter
Than Miss Meyer's whole entire four-book disaster,
But hey, give Twilight some credit, for in fact,
It's still a better love story than The Judas Contract!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!