Cicero had been sent to Solstheim by Astrid who was very concerned about stuff. Apparently the Night Mother had told the Listener that the great Telvanni wizard Neloth posed a threat and would interfere with their plans to assassinate the Emperor. As a result, Neloth had to go. So Astrid had sent her most devoted and talented assassin, Cicero.
As he walked through the endless ash plains of Solstheim he was outraged to find that everybody knew Neloth and spoke highly of him or mentioned how totally crazy he was. How dare anyone be more crazy than he?! "Cicero must change this, yeeeesssss..." He muttered under his breath as he kicked some ash yams and coughed as the ash went into his lungs. This caused emphysema and gave him severe diarrhea given that some had gone into his stomach as well. The entire population of Raven Rock turned to see a crazy dancing jester crapping himself publicly whilst yelling obscenities at Neloth, who wasn't even present. "I'll get you, you...wangmeister!" He turned to the people of Raven Rock, crap still dribbling down his leg, and exclaimed, "Where might I find the Telvanni wizard, Neloth?!" Someone pointed towards a giant mushroom on the horizon which Cicero thought he had hallucinated due to the emphysema, and he set out on his journey. He snapped his fingers as he did so and everyone exploded showering him in guts, gore and bowels.
He started on his way towards the mushroom grove, the ash at his feet soaking in the diarrhea and creating a squelchy brown path - denoting where he had been. When he eventually reached the mushroom (called Tel Mithryn) he saw that it was heavily guarded by ash guardians and dark elves. He realized that despite all of his sneakiness he was not going to be able to sneak into the big mushroom undetected. He shat himself in dismay.
All of a sudden Neloth appeared at the foot of the mushroom and began yelling in a weird nasal voice, "That idiot Miraak has stolen all of the canis root again! He has destroyed my vat of apple-cabbage stew as well! Truly there is no greater scourge than this maniac! Now SOMEONE GET ME MY LUNCH!" He turned towards a random apprentice and shoved him away, yelling about canis root tea. The apprentice fell down the stairs spewing out vomit as he did so due to the shock of the whole situation. Vomit showered Cicero and made him vomit himself due to stench.
As he trudged away covered in bodily fluids, Cicero despaired. How would he kill Neloth? Who was this random idiot Miraak? And where could he find someone to gut like a fish...because his withdrawal symptoms from killing were starting to kick in.
A flash of inspiration entered his mind! He would make a buffet with apple-cabbage stew and canis root tea to lure out Neloth from Tel Mithryn. If Miraak liked these things too then maybe he would also be lured to the buffet where he could be killed. Then maybe Cicero could wear his skin, like he'd always wanted! He hurried away gleefully crapping himself to Benkongerike...which he thought would make a perfect buffet venue.
He killed all the reavers, savoring the way the blood tasted as he licked clean his blade after every kill. Then he remembered he had put falmer-poop poison on his blade and he quickly had explosive and uncontrollable diarrhea which hosed the rest of the reavers to death and gave him a bad case of gastroenteritis. He ventured deeper into Benkongerike and discovered an interesting book with tentacles all over the cover. He opened it and suddenly he was enveloped in a mass of writhing tentacles. He screamed, but they muffled him! He was going blind...
...then suddenly he awoke in a creepy green place called Apocrypha, which was full of tentacles, stench and books. He heard a voice boom out of the depths, "I AM MIRAAK! FEAR MEEEEEEE!" It sounded like Christopher Lee. Cicero ran forwards hoping to stab the invisible voice but fell into a pit of goo and tentacles, screaming for hours as they did unspeakable things to him which gave him severe diarrhea. When he finally clambered out of the pit he passed out and woke up back in Benkongerike. He kicked the book away and a tentacle came out of it and slapped him. He screamed like a girl and ran away.
Ten days hence the buffet was ready! It consisted of the following;
- Ash yam surprise
- Apple-cabbage stew
- Canis root tea
- Bandit leg on a spit
- Netch jelly for dessert
He lay in wait for the two sorcerers to appear. When they didn't, he realised that he probably should've sent invites. He crapped himself with the realisation and sent invites immediately.
He didn't have to wait long before Neloth appeared in a poof of smoke. He set upon the buffet like a ravenous tiger until everyone was startled when a huge dragon appeared on the roof of the cave and sneezed all over the buffet. The snot destroyed all of the food and the force of the blast threw the food all over Neloth, who just stood there aghast and covered in snot-thickened apple-cabbage stew. Miraak dismounted the dragon and kicked it because it had destroyed the buffet he had come so far to enjoy. He stamped his feet and whined.
Cicero got into and rage and started throwing daggers everywhere as it'd taken him ten days to prepare that buffet! All of his yelling alerted Miraak and Neloth to his presence. They had heard about Cicero and knew he was dangerous and so they prepared to defend themselves. Neloth prepared a fireball whilst Miraak pointed his Tentacular Staff at Cicero and laughed in Christopher Lee manner, "YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME! I HAVE BECOME A GOD!" Neloth snorted in dirision, "There is no God, you idiot. There is only magic and men! If there was to be a God, surely it would be a master Telvanni wizard like myself!" Cicero went nuts, "BLASPHEMERS! The Night Mother is the only God!" All three got into a philosophical argument that lasted hours.
Hermaeus Mora had been listening to the three and when he heard them arguing about God he felt he had to get involved, for a Daedric Prince was pretty damn close to a God (if he did think so himself!). He appeared in the middle of the buffet table as a mass of tentacles and eyes. He yelled, "That is enough! Miraak, you are not a God! Neloth, you're an idiot! Cicero, why are you even here!?" They all looked at him in horror and surprise and Miraak wet himself in confusion, showering Hermaeus Mora in pee.
"All of you must now feel my wrath! And by wrath, I mean tentacles!" They all went to protest bit as they opened their mouths tentacles stuffed their way inside and down their throats. They tried to vomit, but there was nowhere for it to go and so it exploded out of their noses and backsides. Ear fluid came out due to the pressure of the attempted vomitation. Before they knew what was happening they had been lifted off their feet, and tentacles latched onto their ankles, wrists, waists and began to snake their way up their robes. Some nearby bandits started screaming and Hermaeus Mora grew some more eyes to be able to look at them.
"YOU! YOU ARE SINNERS TOO! BE PUNISHED!" And his tentacles encapsulated the bandits as well and hung them upside down. 'What had gone wrong?' Thought Cicero in his head, 'Could the Night Mother save him from his impending tentacle rape?' He began to chant the Black Sacrament in his head hoping that the Night Mother would hear him and save him, but tentacles began to latch onto his dong and squeeze tightly around it like a vice. He could feel them pulsating and getting faster and faster. He didn't know whether to scream in agony or beg for more Tentacular goodness. As he was pondering this a fireball shot past his face and burned off his eyebrows; Neloth it seemed had managed to get free and had shot some magic at Hermaeus Mora. It had gone Miraakulously wrong however and Miraak was now holding his face and yelling, "It burns! It burns!". His tentacle mask was made from bronze and hot metal really burns. He tried to pull it off and half of his face came off with it. Snot came out of his nose and ear fluid showered Cicero, making him climax from the sight of all the gore.
Soon everyone was being defiled horrifically by Hermaeus Mora's tentacles and the whole area was awash with poop, vomit, dong juice and tentacle goop. Miraak's face was floating around on top of it all and scaring anyone it floated past. It was then that the Night Mother chose to appear! A rotting zombie corpse rose from the stench pile, her arms outstretched. "Cicero..." She whispered lovingly. "MOTHER!" He hollered in agony, "I HAVE BEEN DEFILED! FORGIVE ME!" At this point one of Neloth's fireballs went astray again and hit the Night Mother square in the chest, setting one withered boob on fire. Cicero squealed in annoyance and horror and then passed out as his anus was invaded by tentacles again.
It was then that the dragon chose to hiccup. Fire spewed out and it had horrible diarrhea from it's rear end at the same time. Everyone was engulfed in the acidic slop that was jet-propelled at then like napalm, causing the total loss of body hair and clothing. Flesh burned. Tentacles dehydrated. Miraak lost the other half of his face. It was total chaos! The Night Mother took Cicero to her breast and tried to suckle him from her one remaining bosom. He was unconscious so it just squirted over his face and made him look ridiculous.
Neloth got onto the dragon and flew off back to Tel Mithryn for some apple-cabbage stew. Mortal died in agony when Hermaeus Mora's tentacles accidentally penetrated his kidney and he got toxic shock syndrome. It was a dark day for Solstheim.