3th in Woke up Blonde Series

White and Blue Porcelain Pipe

Main Character: Buffy Anne Summers

Secondary Characters: Joyce Summers, Oz, Giles, Cordelia, Xander, Willow, Elle Greenaway, Detective Paul Stein, Jennifer "Jenny" Calendar, Harmony Kendall, Ethan Rayne

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to J. Whedon &Mutant Enemy. Gosick belongs to the writer Kazuki Sakuraba. Elle Greenaway from Criminal Minds belongs to Jeff Davis and Mark Gordon Company,CBS Television Studios and ABC Studios.

BtVS time-line: After Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered and right before Elle Greenaway (CM) 6 months after "The Boogeyman" the sixth episode of Criminal Minds.

***1630 Revello Drive ***

Buffy entered her house, after – thankfully – an uneventful school day. No deaths, no spells, and no Angelus sending her 'A singing vampire that bursts into flames' cards– only a new Spanish language teacher. But Buffy would take that subject next year. So nothing new for her and that was for the best.

What was not for the best was that Willow missed because of teachers, parents, and unintentionally Xander cockblocking them her conversation with Oz, again – so there was no happy couple.

They spent their free time talking about it and eating ice cream and drinking coffee – the comfort food of the Gods at Espresso Pump. Buffy hoped that Willow would have a chance to talk with Oz soon.

"Mom!" Buffy called out as she put her school bag on the sofa.

"In the kitchen, honey!"

Buffy followed her mother's voice and found her hovering over the stove, flipping a pancake. There was an aroma of poached red fruit in the air.

"So, pancakes and yum ...poached red fruit …. What's the occasion?" Buffy eyed the plate with suspicion, so what gives? Why was her mom making her favorite?

"One of your teachers came here today," Joyce said without turning.

Ughhhh. What did Principal Troll cook up about her now? And why would that warrant the reward of foodstuff for her?

"Jan Congeria, your teacher -" Joyce was saying as she ushered Buffy to her seat, putting a plate piled high with pancakes, cooked red fruit, vanilla ice cream, and whipped cream before her.

Except I don't know him – I think, Buffy thought. This was getting more suspicious by the minute. Maybe even demon-y in nature.

"Was here because your Principal suggested that some selected students might be using drugs."

And here was the trolling troll of a Snyder Troll. She knew her good mood would be ruined by Snyder and perhaps a demon – it would be her kind of bad luck. Double dose of ruinage.

"I don't do drugs," Buffy muttered.

"I know, honey, your teacher also explained … the animosity that Principal Snyder holds toward teens in general and you in particular," Joyce continued haltingly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's no big," she shrugged. "Snyder is a troll to everyone – well with the exception of the rich kids and jocks. They can get away with murder."

"But you were a cheerleader, and you are pretty good in class."

"I also pushed one of the poplar boys away from Amy when they were harassing her." Buffy gave another shrug. "Snyder saw me do it."

If that jock tried that with Amy again, he'd probably end up turned into a cockroach. She was starting to smell herbs and magic around Amy lately. Meaning Amy Maddison was dabbling in magic. She was not the only student that did that though.

"All right – but ..."

"Mom, it's not like he can expel me for it – there are people that would take it to the board. And well, it helps that Cordelia Chase hangs around me sometimes." Yeah, she was using Queen Bitch of SunnyD High as a shield. It was a crabby shield, but it offered some small measure of defense against Snyder.

How sad was that – the Slayer of Vampires protected from the Big Bad Snyder by a Head Cheerleader's reputation.

***Night, round 3 a.m. in the morning**

Buffy just snuck back into her room after a patrol. She had patrolled with her two bestest friends– at nightfall – followed by a party at the Bronze with Willow – who still hadn't had the opportunity to tell Oz that she accepted him and liked him, even if he goes all wolf-y for three nights a month and Xander.

Then she got her two friends to their homes – if Cordy didn't drive them home and then went home herself, so that her mom saw her when she "went upstairs to sleep". Where Buffy waited until Joyce herself fell asleep and then went to patrol alone – that was usually from eleventh to the third or fourth hour in the morning.

There was no sighting of Angel – or Drusilla. Buffy dusted a couple of vampires and caught ten new risers, fledgling vampires that were digging themselves out of their graves.

Quickly changing into her sushi pajamas, she slipped under the covers.

***Morning 7 a.m.***

Buffy was waking up slowly – by a clear chime and... wait! Something did not feel right. Since when did she have a chiming alarm clock?!

She rubbed her eyes and looked around ... this was NOT her room... It was big, book filled from the ceiling to the floor, and there she was in the middle of a large room on a large bed.

A large feather four- poster bed ...four thick mahogany posts from which muslin curtains were hung. She looked at the walls; there were oil paintings of nature hanging up, along with the portrait of her parents. A little away, hidden behind a plush sofa and armchairs with a low table, were posters of Skaters and Dorothy Hamill adorning the walls – mixed in with the oil paintings. There was her memorabilia on ornate shelves that she usually saw in museums.

Wooden pedestals with potted plants or vases on them were scattered around the room, and an ivory inlaid cabinet extended into a writing table, with golden decor and with a chair that matched the cabinet.

She rubbed her forehead ...and there ... she froze ... then she took another look at her ... tiny ... pale hands.

"Giles, for sure, needs to see this," she muttered, then her small, tiny hands flew to her mouth ... This was not her voice ... She jumped out of the not-hers-bed to wrench open the doors of the closet that she deduced where a mirror was located – she was right, was her first thought, but the second was – that was not her mirror.

Her mirror should have been an ordinary mirror affixed on the inner door of her closet, not an ornate, wide double door polished closet made from some sort of dark wood, with carvings of flowers and leaves all over. It was pretty and looked expensive BUT it was NOT hers!

And clothes!

Those were not hers either... they were all so full of frill and lace and all were dresses, no pants anywhere as far as she looked – stockings, yes, of all colors of the rainbow. The same as the dresses, one piece and two piece and all in Lolita style of all flavors from every fabric imaginable.

Buffy took a step back and stumbled onto the floor, because she tripped.

She stepped and tripped on her own hair!

That somehow had grown so that her locks almost swept the floor, and her skin was fair, like that of a porcelain doll's. She also gained large, slightly upturned emerald eyes. Or rather, the outer circle was a dark leaf green followed by a circle of luminous emerald and then the darker green, almost black, pupils. She liked the new long and thick lashes though.

"Oh, you are awake Buffy-Anne?!"

That was her mother's voice! Oh no ...

"Mom?" Before Buffy could register – and hide – her mother entered the not-hers-room. Her mother did not look any different.

"Oh, honey, you're not ready yet. I'll help you; you cannot be late to school," and her mom did not react to her altered – and now tiny – appearance.

Buffy hummed in thought and put a pipe into her mouth to think on all of this and try to make sense of things with the reconstruction of the fragments of chaos... wait ... what?!

A pipe!

She still did not know why she would put a pipe – pretty dainty porcelain thing that was more of an ornament than the real smoking pipe into her mouth. She was not Sherlock Holmes!

"Here you go," Joyce said as she picked her up, as one would a doll, and put her back on the bed beside some frilly and full of lace navy blue skirt printed with white stars and an ivory white chiffon blouse with ruffles and half sleeves that ended with lace. There were also beige knee socks with tiny pink stars.

As she dressed, her mother brought her black platform shoes with criss cross straps and two ankle straps and heart shaped buckle decorations. To top off her look, her mother pinned a royal blue lace organza with blue silk flowers and bows, headdress, to the side of her head.

Buffy stared at the mirror – she honestly looked like that old fashioned Victorian Lolita Doll her grandmother owned. Only instead her dress ended at her knees and thankfully not her ankles.

Then her mom opened the heavy curtain to a….balcony? Since when did this house have a balcony?

Why not. Nothing was right, so why should the Twilight Zone room not have a balcony.

She really needed to talk to Giles, like yesterday!

"Oh Buffy-Anne, you forgot your Spanish text."

Not wanting to delay with an argument that she was not taking Spanish or any language this year, she put the textbook into her bag without any argument, then she took a look at the kitchen table – her breakfast was weird looking.

"Maman, Qu'est-ce que c'est?" she asked – was that French? She didn't know French; she had never taken any foreign language course!

"Mille crêpe, yaourt et chocolat chaud."

Translation: layered pancake with custard, yogurt and hot chocolate. Now ... "Maman, how long have I known French or ...?"

"Oh," her mom sat next to her with her coffee, "well you passed your language test for German a week ago."


"And at Hermy you had an exchange student from Japan so you to speak Japanese – though you can't read their letters,yet. And you also learned Italian and Greek at Hermy. Then in Preschool you learned French and Latin. When you were bored, you taught yourself how to read Arabic but you don't know how to speak it."

And again what!

Joyce tapped her chin in thought. "You also can speak and write in Occitan and Monégasque."

I don't even know what those words mean! Buffy mentally wailed.

***Sunnydale High Halls***

She wanted the ground to open and swallow her up.

Not because nobody payed attention to a 155cm girl and yes she checked – with long flowing gold hair, like those in a freaking fairy picture in a storybook that for some reason didn't get snagged onto anything – holding a small white porcelain pipe with a blue butterfly. She developed a new habit, in her hand and mouth, and marched through the hall dressed in a frilly and lacy goth dress.

"Well hello, Lolly Lolita doll."

And now she had to deal with jock jerks ...that's just great. And why did she just freeze like a damn doll? And why did she feel an urge to hide in a cupboard of all things?

And now they were circling her ... the jerks.

"Beat it, guys," she growled; she was so not in the mood.

"It talks," Jackass No.1 said.

"I thought you said she was a shy little girl?" that was from Jackass No.2

Moi timide? – didn't she smash this guy into a locker once and flip the other over her shoulder because he grabbed her in gym class.

"She was yesterday; she ran and hid in a janitor's closet," Jackass No.1 said again. She did what? So not!

"And she can hear you," Buffy growled and she so did not run away and hide in a closet. Where do they get that she did such a thing?

"And what will you do about it?" one of the jerks asked arrogantly.

Oh it is so on.

***High School Library***

"Giles!" Buffy wailed as she dramatically entered, by pushing open the library doors and walking into her Watcher's domain– of course that was after wrestling and bruising and locking the jerk pack in a nearby closet. They would think twice before trying to bully her again! They were lucky she didn't break their bones.

Though, her knuckles hurt more than they should – more than they normally did when she punched someone. She actually teared up from the pain, but fortunately the pain came and went at the drop of a hat. But when it was there, Buffy felt like her bones had shattered.

Thank goodness – what, oh never mind, more weird on top of weird; what difference does it make, just roll with it, Buffy. Despite her size shrinking, a little, and growing her hair to an impossible length, it could be worse, she could have gotten Rapunzel's hairdo.

"Child, wh -who are you?" Giles came toward her, hiding books behind him and turning as he would to the unfamiliar blonde student.

Even Giles did not recognize her?

No way – but then she did look somewhat different – not just height and hair – she also had a slightly altered voice and shape of her face.

"I'm Buffy! Get with the program, something happened and..." she told her Watcher, who immediately took a closer look after her outburst. Then with 'Dear God, Buffy,' he started to clean his glasses with a force that Buffy was surprised that the lenses were still in one piece.

"Buffy! THIS is all your fault!" said a long legged girl with maroon red eyed – large luminous eyes that seemed to take up most of her face, and she did not look ugly. She looked cute, like a little bunny rabbit with her dark-blonde hair in two long tails on each side of her head, held up with two black ribbons. She wore a black, sleeveless top and black bicycle shorts with a red belt and awesome metal shoes and arm guards.

Getting into Buffy's face, pointing at her furiously, and while Buffy did not recognize her voice, she recognized her mannerisms – this was definitely Cordelia Chase – an altered Cordy. With her was a dog that looked like a cross between a fox and a cat.

"Who are you, Sailor Moon?" Buffy asked smirking and putting the pipe in her mouth again. This was becoming amusing.

"I'm Cordelia, what are you smoking?"

"You don't look like Cordy, and I don't smoke – this is an accessory made from the finest China porcelain," she waved, saying the word 'accessory' with emphasis, then she nodded at the fox-doggy that sat down by Cordelia.

"Who is the cutey?"

Blue eyes on the reddish-brown furred face blinked at her. "I'm Adsila!" the fox-dog said in a female voice. Buffy blinked once, twice...okay, still not the weirdest thing today.

"And she talks," Buffy stated, her face and voice deadpan. Then she looked at Cordelia, her eyebrow climbing into her hairline.

"Cute friend you have there," Buffy said to Cordelia, who for a moment was taken aback. Then she answered.

"My mother said that a man – Jan Congeria brought her for me."

Adsila sat down, curling her tail over her front paws and cocking her head to the right, listening.

Now that was a familiar name, that she heard from her mother the day before this happened. "Was he, by perchance, a teacher?"

"Mother didn't say. But our housekeeper said that he was from the Electric Company."

"And your parents just accepted the cutie?" Buffy asked next – she could almost see what caused the change.

"Children!" Giles exclaimed exasperated. "Can you explain, why and how this happened? What did you do last night?"

But before either Buffy or Cordelia could answer,

"I'm a Terminator!"

The library door opened with a bang, and a slightly taller than herself boy – with braided blond hair, one lock sticking out on top like an antenna ran in, waving his hands – followed by an equally blonde but taller and busty and curvaceous woman in a blue suit and a big black and white dog at her heal. Buffy blinked; it was a Shiba Inu breed. Since when did somebody she knew own a dog. Now apparently.

"Calm down, Xander," the taller blonde trailing behind him tried to calm … Xander, then this was, almost certainly, Willow.

"I can't calm down, Wills – don't you see I have robotic arm!" He waved said robotic arm at his companion, who sighed in exasperation.

Yep, Willow and Xander.

Willow was now a busty blonde with brown eyes – instead of red hair and green eyes. And previously brown eyed, brown haired, Xander was equally changed with a darker shade of blond hair and amber eyes, and a metallic arm and by the way he walked up and down- leg.

"You are not – you just have a robotic arm and leg and ..." Buffy intervened, wanting to calm down the panicked- now blond Xander.

"LEGGG!" Xander grabbed his hair and pulled. Yeah she probably should not have mentioned that he had a mechanical leg as well, because judging by his reaction, he was unaware of his leg being metallic.

"How did you know Mr. Calm has a robotic leg?" Cordelia asked as she threw a book at Xander's head to shut him up.

"M-Miss Chase!" Giles exclaimed as he went to ... and passed Xander, who was sitting on the floor nursing a welt throbbing on his head, to pick up the book Cordelia used to calm down her boyfriend.

"The way he walked was slightly tilted, so ..."

"Ahh," Cordelia nodded.

"Guys!" Buffy called.

"Huh, who are you?"

"She is Buffy, dumbass – you know Miss-Slays-a-lot," Cordelia said. Then she turned to Giles. "Better think of a way to solve this. I do not fancy missing cheerleader practice … and I want my chest back!"

"Oh yeah, Cordy, you are flat as a board now."

"Don't call me Cordy, little miss softer side of Sears."

"Children!" Giles yelled, but Buffy paid him no mind as she browsed the bookshelves that held dictionaries … She knew that the word Congeria was vaguely familiar – not just that it was mentioned before all this happened, but it was familiar and it sounded Latin somehow.

Spotting the Latin/English dictionary, Buffy tried to reach the book and (grumbled) when she failed to even brush the bottom – by a good foot. Reaching for it yet again, while standing on her tippy toes, Buffy's fingers brushed the bottom of the shelf the book was on.

It was mocking her.

Buffy growled threts under her breath, gazing threateningly upward. She begun to hop, trying to reach it that way. She almost grabbed it – and almost toppled the entire shelf on her head, if not for a hand that reached above and removed the dictionary from the shelf.

"Thanks," she grumbled as she turned, expecting either Xander or Willow or even Giles. But no...

"Hello, Buffy," the blond said – spiky blond, like porcupine hair– ohh!

"Oz," she stated. He was the only one that was unaccounted for, and he followed the pattern of waking up blonde.


"You are blond."

Master of statements: Daniel Osbourne.


"And taller."

"You are shorter."

And deadpanning.


"What happened?"

Now that was a loaded question, wasn't it?

"Magic, I think – no, I have a suspicion of who is responsible. But I need confirmation," Buffy said. "If I said Jan Congeria, …." Buffy trailed off suggestively and with raised eyebrow.

"A teacher with that name was in our house yesterday," Oz supplied, blue eyes intense on her– what was his original color … it was pewter! Now, it was cobalt blue. But then again, she had previously blue eyes – like a Barbie.

Now she had green eyes – with three rings: pupil was an olive green, and the iris was two colors, the circle that enveloped the pupil was a moss green and then there was a lighter emerald green on the outskirts.

"Ahh," she opened the dictionary under C and searched then snapped it closed.

"Found it?" Oz asked.

"Yes." It also confirmed a theory she had.


"It is not good. And Giles won't be happy."

Then she turned to the bickering trio … well Willow and Cordelia were sniping at each other. Xander was inching away from … milk?

Where did Giles get milk? And why was Xander shying away from it?

Giles was trying to calm Willow and Cordelia down – he wasn't succeeding since they were inches apart, actually growling at each other. While their new pets were sitting side by side and watching the bickering like a good tennis match.

As much as it was amusing to her – Buffy had to share what she found and get further confirmation now that she had a 99% confirmed theory of who had done this to them.

"Oi – blondies!" she called out as she held up the Latin-English dictionary. "Did some guy come to your home yesterday?"

"Jan Congeria," Xander said.

"Man, what is with you and milk?" Oz asked, "You've been avoiding it all day."

"I don't like to drink milk, all right! I don't wanna!"

"Xander that is not for you," Giles said pinching the bridge of his nose. "It's for my neighbors cat."

"Ahh, OK then."

Buffy shrugged at Xander, then turned to Willow.

"Jan Congeria was apparently at my house talking to father," Willow said. "And this is Aleshanee. Dad said that the same man brought her to our house before I woke up." She pointed at the Shiba Inu, who was sniffing at Adsila.

"Right," Buffy drawled. "One, I think this is permanent. And done by Giles' buddy Ethan Rayne."

"WHAT?!" that came from all of them – well Oz didn't say anything.

"How is it Ethan?" Giles asked.

"This is not permanent! FIX IT!"

"Oh knock it off, Cordy, you might be flat as a board ..." Xander started.

"I am not flat!" Cordelia screeched.

"And I am not short!"

"Nobody called you short! Buffy is short, you idiot, not you!"

While those two went into another round of arguments, Willow and Giles turned their attention to Buffy and the still silent Oz.

"Buffy, what did you mean by permanent?" Willow asked, frowning in thought, her sienna brown eyes sharp.

"And how is Ethan involved in all of this?"

Buffy bit slightly on her pipe. "I'll explain. The name Jan is short for Janus and Congeria is Latin for Chaos. Also this is somewhat similar to the spell he did on Halloween. Only far more potent and not to mention targeted."

Buffy waved her hand. "Nobody sees the changes but us. And you Giles," then she shrugged, "but I haven't met any other that is aware of the magic and what we do or Angel, I haven't seen him ether."

Which was très bon, since with one hit, she would be in agony long enough for her ex to kill her, or worse capture her. Now that would be very mauvais jour for her, a very bad day.

At this, the door to the library swung open and Jenny Calendar walked in, her eyes darted around, looking for something, when her eyes met the group, she faltered – her eyes flew toward Giles for a moment.

Before the change, Giles and Miss Calendar were tiptoeing around each other. But they did start to repair fences. Buffy didn't mind even then. Still, she probably would not trust the Computer Science Teacher … she could have warned them … but she hadn't, and chose her family over 'mostly' strangers … but then again, Giles trusted her with Buffy's life. He told Jenny that Buffy was The Slayer – literally putting Buffy's life in Miss Calendar's hands.

Miss Calendar could have warned them that there was something wrong - the possibility of Angelus' return. She didn't need to reveal that she was part of the gypsy tribe that cursed Angelus with his soul.

It might still happen as it did, but it might not. They will never know now. But Miss Calendar and Giles would not have this strain on their relationship and distrust going on.

"Rupert, can I ..."

"Miss Calendar." Buffy stepped closer, cutting across the computer science teacher's words. "Do you notice something different about all of us?" she pointed at Scoobies and herself for emphasis.

"No,... I should..."

"Jenny, wait please," Giles said while he gently touched Miss Calendar's elbow, then he adjusted his glasses, suddenly flustered as Jenny turned back and faced him

"Oh for the love of," Cordelia exploded. "Miss Calendar lied and chose the kooky gypsy clan over us, which resulted in Miss-Slays-a-lot's psycho boyfriend to lose his soul. Get over it! Spank your inner Mopped, but get over it. We have bigger problems than one more blood sucker in Sunnydale."

"What is going on?" Miss Calendar looked from one person to the next, her onyx eyes intent. She looked determined to help – well c'était bien.

"Well, it is like this -" Giles said while focusing on his maybe again girlfriend.

***10 time explanation later***


Dix fois! Enfer bleu!

But now the teacher was finally helping them to find out what happened and where they'd go from here.

Jenny Calendar was not a practicing witch – she was however a member of the Romani people – and more importantly, she was Janna of Clan Kalderash.

So she had a hand in curses, and most important for them, Cleromancy – she was now bent over the the selection of bones, stones, and shells she had cast to read them.

And just as a bad omen, Principal Snyder walked in. "Right, little miscreations, stop loitering. You have short..." he started to say.

"DON'T CALL ME SHORT!" Xander roared, and there was lightning and suddenly the swinging doors transformed into a palm and slapped Snyder like one would slap a fly – or a mosquito.

Xander stared at the unconscious body. "Did I do that?"

Oz nodded. "Yes."

Xander walked to the body and poked it with a stick. "Why the heck did I do that?"

"Well, that does it then. Somebody will have to patrol instead of me."

Cordelia whirled at her. "Wait – why. You are the Slayer; it's your job!"

"I don't get paid – so not a job," Buffy said pointedly.

"She can not patrol," Oz supplied matter of fact.

"I u - understand that changes are distracting," Giles said, while cleaning his glasses – again, "but you are still The Slayer."

"She is sensitive to pain," Oz said, "she was having trouble with the human bullies, and if she is sent out, she will die."

That was blunt, also true …

"It's true – when I – ouch Giles!" he flicked her forehead – which part of 'she was sensitive to pain' did Giles not understand!

"What is wrong with you. That wasn't cool, man," Oz chided Giles.

"That hurt?" Giles asked incredulously.

"Yes!" She was rubbing her forehead "It felt like you'd slapped me!"

"I'm terribly sorry."

"She cannot go on patrol Rupert – she'll get killed." That was from Miss Calendar. Wait just a moment …

"Miss Calendar, how did Angel lose his soul … or is my new liability ...well new?"

"He felt accepted and loved by you … that was the true reason."

"He felt loved, trusted, and accepted by me – and he and I shared an intimate moment," Buffy said matter of fact.

"Oh, well … about that, I umm, made a program that translates lost Romani language..."

"You are looking for a Soul Restoration Spell?"

"Aahh yes."

"Miss Calendar, stay with Giles and do not go out after nightfall," Buffy said.

"That is all right; no one knows that I'm from Kalderash tribe and"

"Miss Calendar, Drusilla is a seer; she might already have had a vision that you are able to do the restoration spell."

"That is OK – I'll take the patrol." Xander raised his hand from his place on the floor, where he was poking the unconscious principal.

Giles clucked his tongue. "Xander, it is not your duty to..."

"Neither is it Buffy's. She died once so technically she is done with that duty," Willow said matter of fact. "Besides, the way you use this word is incorrect. Duty implies choice – Buffy had none. She did not chose to be a slayer; she is not bound by oath to use her powers."

Buffy nodded. "C'est correct."

"Buffy – since when do you speak French?"

"Since I woke up this morning …. and I also speak German,Italian, and Japanese. Oh and Greek – also apparently Occitan and Monégasque, whatever that is."


Buffy came into the empty classroom, well empty besides the Spanish language teacher.

"Miss Greenaway, here is note from the Librarian – explaining my absence." She handed the note to the teacher.

Yeh she forced Giles to write her a slip, because well – in roundabout way, this was it was his fault for her being in this mess.

***Ravello Drive***

Oz walked Buffy home. While Willow, Xander, and Cordelia took patrol, much to Cordelia's bitching. But when she stepped into the living room, there her mother sat and across from her was Ethan Rayne, smiling politely.

"Buffy-Anne, dear this is Monsieur Jan Congeria and look" She picked up the pet carrier and inside was a green eyed, fog grey puppy "his name is Halona – it means 'good fortune.'"

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