May 27, 1965
Things are so close to prefect right now. I say close to perfect because I'm afraid the minute I say perfect perfect world will come crashing down around me. I have to keep blinking to make sure it's not a dream that will end when I open my eyes.
Call me superstitious. I get that my from my Dad, lord rest his soul. I still miss him more them I can even write on paper. It's been over two years and I still have an irreparable hole in my heart.
My God, he died before my 18th birthday. Well, Happy fucking birthday. Welcome to adulthood. I feel like a crazy person but even now I still forget he's gone forever.
Sometimes I have a bizarre day and my first thought is "Wait until Dad hears about this!" Oh but that is not even the worst part. Sometimes I actually pick up the phone and I expect my dead father to pick up! I'm always brutally yanked back to reality when Robert, my stepfather, or mom answers.
Speaking of Robert, it's not that I don't love him. I really do. He's done so much for us especially my little sisters. However, he's not my Dad and never will be. Luckily he seems to know that and does not try to replace Dad entirely.
My only hope is that wherever Dad is he somehow knows about my almost perfect life and is happy about it. Even more important I hope that he approves and is proud of me. Even though he's gone I still want to make him proud of me.
I just realized that this stared out as a happy journal entry about an almost perfect life. Then I started ranting on about missing my dead father! How the hell did that happen? It somehow went downhill somewhere and I have no idea why I did that. I had every intention of writing a nice journal entry about my newfound happiness. Let's return to the happy part shall we.
I'll begin by saying I owe most if not all my happiness to my sweet beautiful Mary. WOW! What a girl! She is so incredible that I often look at her and think "Are you crazy? What the fuck are you doing with me? You could have anyone, ANYONE!"
Well, crazy or not she chose me. I've decided I'm not going to waste my time being all flowery and stupid about how wonderful she is. I cringe when other guys go on and on and on acting sappy and flowery about a girl. So, in a way I feel like a hypocrite. So, to be succinct and to the point she's totally wonderful in every way.
We got back quite a ways and have a rather colorful history. Let's see, how should I put this? Well, she pretty much took my boyhood in her stride. Enough said! Oh yes, quite a colorful history!
I'm making it sound like we have always been giddy and happy together. Far from it! We gone through some rough spots believe me! Until recently we hadn't spoken in months. I am forced to admit she has done things that I once thought were unforgivable. These were things that my family and friends also warned me were completely unforgivable.
I think the biggest thing is she completely withdrew from me immediately after Dad died. Obviously, that was a time when I needed all the love and support that I could get. She dutifully attended that wake and funeral as did everyone that knew our family.
However in the days or even hours after the funeral, she withdrew from me. She always told me she was too busy for me. There were times when she wouldn't even take my calls at all.
Recently we talked again. I didn't want to forgive her at first for abandoning me during my darkest hour. However once she explained herself it made complete sense to me.
She said she couldn't handle the whole sudden death thing. It totally freaked her out. She knew she couldn't help me get through a loss of that magnitude. She was afraid of saying the wrong thing and causing me double the heartache. So why should she jump in and make things a thousand times worse for me. She withdrew out of love and concern so she could protect me.
I was extremely touched when I heard that she abandoned me out of love and deep concern. She explained that of course she felt sad about Dad's death simply did not have the strength or the stomach to help me get through it. Perhaps it was wrong of me to expect her to step into a roll that she was unprepared to handle.
After some arm twisting she convinced me we needed to be together. Mom was horrified that I was even considering such a thing. Big surprise, I did it anyway! I mean how many guys my age actually listen to their mommies! Pretty girl or mom? DUH!
Mom twists her face into a rather ugly shape every time I say "The M word" Like a broken record she says, "How can you possibly be with someone that just abandoned you right after your father died? That was a time when you needed her the most! Anyone that selfish can't possibly love you!"
Then comes the lecture on what love really is! Oh God save me from that bullshit! I just sit there nod my head and say in a monotone voice "ah ha!" "Yes!" "Of course Mother!" Now that also really pisses her off! That leads into a lecture on my bad attitude.
Of course, I do that on purpose to steer her away from the "what is love" lecture. Yeah, she's still pissed at me but it's the lesser of two evils believe me! Besides I've been lectured about my bad/disrespectful attitude so much I could do it in a monologue. I know all the words by heart!
Sometimes I have a temporary lapse in judgment and try to defend Mary's case. "Look Mom, Mary and I talked through that! She explained to me why she left me after Dad died. I listened to her side of the story and I completely understand now! As you always say there ARE two sides to every story!"
Then I give myself a swift kick in the ass and say to myself, "YOU JACKASS! Have you learned nothing?!" Then things take a particularly bad turn. My defense is followed by the very deadly Janelle death ray. That always ends the argument!
My only recourse is to leave the room before my eyes melt out of my head. I don't think anyone has ever had the fortitude to face down a Janelle death ray. Dad never could and I know Robert cant.
Hey I'm just grateful that she didn't call me GEORGE MICHAEL! When I get "GEORGE MICHAEL" I don't want to leave the room I want to leave the country! GEORGE MICHAEL=impending bodily harm!
You know Moms really are a mixed blessing. They love us unconditionally and would do anything to make us happy. I know this for a fact. However, at the same time my mom can be a royal pain in my ass when she wants to be.
Mom will get over it in time. She always does. The important thing is I have truly found my almost perfect life. I wasn't sure if it would ever happen. Now that it did I realize what a gift and blessing Mary is in my life! I don't know how I ever got along without her. I can't imagine having to ever go back to life without her