June 21, 1965
Today was been a complete blur. I keep trying to scrunch my eyes and open them again in hopes that maybe this has all been a freaky nightmare.
It's not a nightmare but my twisted and fucked up reality. Right now I feel like someone had taken a huge knife and violently stabbed me right in the heart!
At this point, I almost wish that were a literal statement. Then I could just die right now and escape this burning pain in my heart. I could be with Dad again and leave this fucking cold world behind.
Right now, I envy my Dad. He doesn't have to deal with the bitter injustice on this earth. I wish I could be where he is right now.
Of course I really can't do that, can I? Everyone knows that if you willingly take your own life you don't go to heaven. So, what would be the point? We wouldn't even be together. Well that fucking sucks!
I didn't see this coming. I feel so stupid that I never picked up on all the signals that were hitting me over the head. I choose not to face it and now here I am.
Mom was right from the beginning. I hate that shit! I got so angry every time she glared at me or twisted her face in contempt. I certainly wasn't about to listen to her.
I fought her all the way and she was only trying to prevent something like this from happening. I'm not looking forward to facing Mom and admitting she was right. I so deserve an "I told you so." However, I so don't want to hear it right about now.
Looking back on the whole twisted fucked up mess, I probably should have known everything was all wrong about a month ago. Mary aka the backstabbing the bitch, was giving me clear signals that I choose to ignore!
It all started with her good fiend Shane. Shane? Yes, his name was fucking Shane! I should have known a man named Shane could not be trusted.
He lives in New York but came for "a visit." I hated him the second we met. The pompous fucker thought he was the shit because he lives in New York. I could tell he saw me as the dumb California kid from the show biz family. Yeah well, I thought he was a pompous fucker from New York.
The minute Shane came to town Mary was totally preoccupied with him and had no time to deal with me. I can't even believe how stupid I was! Well, fucking Duh, Micky!
I'd call her and demand some attention. She kept saying that she was only trying to be a good hostess and show him a good time. Oh yeah, I bet she did!
Oh but it gets better. SHE accused ME of being selfish! I needed to be more supportive and understanding. It's so fucking crazy that I can't even express it in clear words!
Even today started out like any other normal day. Well it was normal to a fucking idiot like me. I went to work and I came home like I normally do.
On the way home I remember wondering if Mary would be able to find a few spare seconds for me. Would she be able to find any time to even talk to me on the phone? Would she be able to take time away from playing the perfect hostess role?
I got home and debated calling her. I wasn't sure if I was in the mood for her bullshit! I didn't feel like being lectured I told I was insensitive and unsupportive.
As I was pondering to call or not to call, I noticed a sealed envelope by the door. I somehow had missed it when I first came in. I picked it up and noticed my name was printed very simply in Mary's plain handwriting.
As soon as I saw that I got a chill and my blood ran cold. I could feel my heat pounding faster and faster. It felt like it might actually explode. I had a deep sinking feeling it wasn't good news. I sincerely doubted she took the time to write me a sappy love poem. My hands shook violently as I tried to open the envelope.
I was prepared to for bad news but I was not prepared for bad news of that magnitude. That was when I first felt the tip of the knife cut into my heart.
Her note so eloquently informed me that during pompous fucker Shane's visit, an old pent up love and passion came to the surface. She said that she "was sorry" and it was "an accident" She hoped I would understand. Oh yes, how insensitive of me! I assumed she was a backstabbing bitch. However, it was simply an accident. Yes, pardon my fucking anger and rage!
Oh but there is even more. Their love burned so bright that she split with him to New York City. She said that by the time I read this note she would be gone and I would never see her again. As I read that part the knife plunged deeper and deeper into my heart ripping it to shreds.
In the midst of all this bullshit, I actually need to get to the store. Wouldn't you know that today of all days, I realized I'm completely out of alcohol and other essential goods. BAD FUCKING TIMING!
This is no time to be with out both for fuck sakes! I could have handled it if there were no food in the house. However, in my state of mind no alcohol AND no essential goods is unacceptable! So, I'm going to go stock up, numb my gaping stab wound until I pass out into a state a deep slumber.