The walk home to Castle Volkihar was long and arduous. Serana could smell the various bodily fluids on her and she did not like it. Every creature within a ten mile radius was attacking her or being killed from toxic shock syndrome when she accidentally vomited on them. Her smell was starting to attract even more attention as she came within sight of Icewater Jetty, and some ice wolves leapt out of a bush at her and attempted to dismember her leg! She started to panic as she had no weapon, as it had been confiscated by the guards when she was arrested near Helgen. She knew that she could not risk turning into a Vampire Lord so close to a human fort and also she knew that Vampire Lord diarrhea could destroy her own anus so she thought the better of transforming...

...and then she remembered. She inhaled the icy air which stung her lungs as she yelled,


The wolves yelped as they were hydro-pumped across the valley by a stream of rancid, bat-filled vomit that spewed forth from Serana's mouth like a jet washer. After the initial shock wore off she pursued the wolf corpses across the valley and tore off their pelts like a madwoman in order to change her dirty clothes. She did not have the time to tan the hides and so the bloodied and maggot filled skins squelched against her naked skin. She continued to Icewater Jetty looking more Nordish than ever.

When she reached Icewater Jetty she sighed in relief as the boat was still there and had not been stolen by bandits again. She started to paddle out towards the castle but soon felt her bowels grumbling. She passed faster as she knew a bout of explosive and bean-filled diarrhea was close at hand. A sudden shriek from a seabird frightened her and she lost control of her bowels! A scream started in her chest and travelled up her throat to her mouth where it exploded out as,


Diarrhea shot out of ever orifice - including her ears - and started to corrode the wood of the boat instantly, as well as the pelts Serana was wearing as clothing. She panicked as the boat started to sink with the corrosive effect of the poop as well as the sheer weight of it all. She paddled faster but it was to no avail...she soon found herself naked in the icy water as the boat sank valiantly beneath the waves to its poopy doom. She cried as she swam the rest of the way home, leaving a trail of poop and vomit in her wake, but soon she stopped her years as she realized that at least she would return home clean.

Scrambling out of the water, she made her way up the gargoyle-protected bridge. She pushed wide the doors of Castle Volkihar like Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings and all of the members of the vampiric coven gasped in awe. They thought she was dead! Where had she been?! And why was she naked?! There were many questions, but these would be left for another time as Serana bellowed,

"Fetch the cattle! I must hold a meeting to tell you all grave news...and there we will feast!" Cheers erupted from all around the hall. Most of the vampires had known Serana since school and they had been a bunch of misfits back then. Her father had allowed them to move into the castle, but had soon left himself as he could not abide all the loud sex noises and death metal music in the middle of the day when everyone should have been sleeping in their coffins. Lord Harkon now lives in Septimus Sigmus's old outpost as it was quiet there since the old man had thrown himself into the sea on a quest to find Hermaeus Mora.

The only friend who had not attended school with Serana was a strange, pale-skinned man who was not even a vampire, he just enjoyed the taste of human blood. Serana had met him whilst on holiday one year. His name was Lord Voldemort and he was often mocked for not being a true vampire and for being kicked out of the College of Winterhold for gratuitously torturing students. There was some debate over whether he should even be invited to the feast considering that he was currently in disgrace. He was unable to take blood from his victims without transferring livers magically into their bodies, causing them to explode into a crazy shower of internal organs which alerted every guard nearby. The gang was fed up with paying off Voldemort's bounty and so this next mission would be his final chance to prove himself before they kicked him out of the castle for good.

Meanwhile in the cells of Castle Volkihar, one of the vampire cattle heard the jubilation above and realized that his days were probably numbered. He knew he was going to die, but he did not want to go without a fight. Grabbing a nearby live skeever he sunk his teeth into its spine, ripping and tearing like a werewolf descending on its prey. He vomited because it tasted so bad, but he knew that it would probably be infected with something like Ataxia or Rockjoint and he hoped that by infecting himself with the disease the vampires would contract dysentry after draining him of blood. He ate the entire skeever and then passed out in a pool of skeever-guts and his own puke.

Later at the feast above, Serana explained her harrowing experience to the waiting group. Everyone listened intently with wide eyes and open mouths, blood dripping onto their laps as their fangs glinted in the candlelight.

"...and that's why we must destroy the Empire! Wipe out the Stormcloaks! Crush the Dawnguard beneath out feet! And see that all those petty guilds who would seek to threaten us, like the Dark Brotherhood and the Companions, are so broken that they can never rise to oppose us again! TO WAR!" She let out a shriek of laughter and the whole hall applauded and joined in the manic laughter as the heady idea of vampiric supremacy took hold. The cattle they were feeding off moaned even louder, dreading a world where their children would be subjected to the same torment as they were.

"But Lady Serana..." A dark-elf vampire, named Kerin Fethril, spoke up from his seat at the table, "...if we are to form our own faction and wage this glorious war then surely we need a name? A name for our rebellion?" Serana looked thoughtful and people started to debate,

" We should be the Legion of the Tooth!" Shouted a female Imperial vampire named Justinia Vasilius.

"No! That is ridiculous!" Said a male Nord vampire named Ulsgar Vileblood, "We should be the Gang of Death!" A loud boo rang out around the hall as the others disapproved of Ulsgar's idea. Suddenly a drunken vampire, also a Nord, named Jurgen Trollsmasher spoke up in a slurred voice,

"What about the Legion of the Horrible Spider? I saw a big one in the basement yesterday..." The whole table went silent and they glared at him for his stupidity. Then Serana announced,

"Enough of this tomfoolery! We will be the Rebels of the Eternal Night! Tomorrow we will travel to Windhelm to cut down that blowhard Ulfric Stormcloak!" Everyone cheered again at this impressively cool name and then went back to feeding off the cattle. Blood spurted everywhere as they sated their hunger. Jurgen even went as far as to lick blood from the floor, until he grabbed Voldemort's leg and started feeding by accident. Voldemort booted him unconscious and honked noisily. They drained the cattle dry, knowing that they would need their strength to fight this battle. by one the vampires started to feel unwell. "My Lady, I..." Started one of the group before he vomited profusely into his own lap. Serana stood and looked on abject horror as all of her friends started to vomit and shit themselves all over the castle's main hall - forcibly redecorating all of her father's expensive architecture. The drunken Nord on he floor did not notice as the tide began to rise and he slowly began to float around on the floor. Jet-hosed diarrhea was flying everywhere and some hit Voldemort in the face, making him involuntarily expell ear-fluid at Mach 3 from both ears. Everyone started screaming,

"We've been poisoned! We've drank diseased blood and now our vampiric immune system is purging us the only way it knows how!" Once again Serana felt something powerful and deadly welling up inside her. She couldn't hold it a second longer,

"FUS RO VOM!" And then a second later...

"POOP RO DAH!" A tidal wave of vomit and shit flew around the castle and the gang had to swim out towards the bay and out into the wide Skyrim sea, as there was no longer a boat. They swam all the way to Windhelm over a period of a week, sheltering on an island at one point to regroup. They met a horker who refused to die when they attacked him, so Serana blooded him and he became the fearsome Baron Blutmeister von Tusk!

Ulfric did not know, but his days were numbered.