Hello everyone! Fun fact about me: I have a biology degree and I love weird animal facts. I've been turning this idea over in my mind for awhile now and couldn't resist. Every animal mentioned in this is real, as are all animal facts. Cover photo by EternalParadox on redbubble. Enjoy!

It started off an average day at the guild. People were relaxing at tables, chatting with Mira at the bar, or perusing the request board. Gildarts was in town, and he alternated between relaxing with Master, Macao, and Wakaba and embarrassing Cana with sappy declarations of fatherly love. The O'Connells had just left to help Asuka practice her long range shooting when Erza walked in accompanied by a very familiar blue haired man.

"Jellal!" A general cry of greeting went up. After he'd been pardoned by the council the master had made it known that he was welcome here, but he still travelled far too often (in Erza's not-so-humble opinion). That he was here now was exciting, and the members crowded around to pepper him with questions about his travels.

A few drinks later and the normally taciturn young man had opened up and was regaling them with stories of beating dark guilds senseless with his Heavenly Body magic. Erza was staring at him almost as adoringly as she looked at cake, to many of the girls' delight and the boys' disgust. But Erza wasn't just drinking in Jellal's looks.

"What did you just say? You were able to turn into an animal to escape the dungeon at 'Blood Eye?' How?" she questioned. Surely Jellal hadn't learned Transformation magic?

He grinned. "No trick, Scarlet! I got this as a reward for rescuing a village that was being terrorized. Look!" He pulled out an innocuous looking yellow lacrima half the size of a fist. "This allows you to turn into an animal for 15 minutes once you touch it. There are a couple caveats; a person may only use it once every 12 hours, although it has enough power to turn us all right now, and you don't get to choose your animal. The magic picks the one closest to your soul."

The group gaped in awe, pressing closer to see the powerful trinket. No one noticed Gramps, Gildarts, Macao, and Wakaba take one look at it and hustle upstairs to the balcony.

"What's your animal, Jellal?" Lisanna asked, clearly fascinated by something so similar to her own magic. Although she could absorb many souls, she'd always wondered what her true inner animal was. Now she could find out!

"Mine is a panther. Would you like to see?" To a chorus of yes's, Jellal tapped the lacrima and swiftly transformed into a large panther. His black fur was silky, and Erza cooed over his large paws and fangs. His tattoo was still in place, giving the large cat an even more exotic look. He strutted around, leaping in perfect silence from table to table before allowing Erza to scratch him behind his ears. After 15 minutes were up, he seamlessly transitioned back into human form and sat back at the bar, looking a little smug that he'd impressed Erza so.

"So you said we could all try?" someone asked.

"I WANNA GO!" Natsu roared, trying to jump into the middle of the circle. "I'M GONNA BE A DRAGON AND LOOK LIKE IGNEEL!" On his way in, he bumped Gray, who tumbled into Gajeel, who took offense. Within seconds a brawl had developed.

Up on the second floor, the master turned to the other men. "Let's hope it ends here, gentlemen." Wakaba nodded, then pulled out a bottle. "I brought the good brandy up just in case it doesn't." He received judicious pats on the back from the others. They were all older, all well traveled, and they'd all seen the little lacrima before. It was best to stay at high ground and drink.

Erza ignored the brawl masterfully, her eyes on Jellal. "Would...would it be alright if I were to test out this device?" she asked. "Of course, Erza. Anything you want." he murmured back, thrilled that she'd asked. Maybe she would be a panther as well? One could only dream. She smiled at him, reached out towards it. As her skin pressed against the glass, she seemed to ripple and shrink. Everyone not brawling looked down eagerly. And then Lisanna screamed and everyone ran for cover as the honey badger ripped its way through the bar in search of cake. When it didn't find any, it headed toward the kitchen, directly through the brawl. Despite being a quarter of the size of any of the fighters, men were sent flying left and right, screaming. Instead of just pushing the door open like a normal person...animal...conscious being, Erza the honey badger bit off one of the hinges in sheer choleric rage at the door's very existence before leaving it in shambles. Honey badger don't give a fuck. Jellal gazed after her in adoration.

Up in the gallery, the master quaked. "So it begins," he whispered. "the jungle kingdom." Everyone took another shot of brandy.

The brawl was slowly picking back up. Natsu roundhouse kicked Elfman, who flew across the room and slammed into what was left of the bar. He landed directly on top of the lacrima and a moment later a six foot tall, extremely aggressive black rhinoceros stood pawing at the ground. With a battle snort that sounded suspiciously like "man!" the rhino charged back into the brawl and began laying waste with its horn.

Being Fairy Tail, no one was deterred by two of their members becoming some of the most terrifying creatures on the planet. Instead, this was cause for a bit of a competition to reach the lacrima. What awesome quadruped would the next person be? Natsu grabbed it, shouting "IGNEEL!" Everyone braced themselves for the awesome sight of a dragon in their midst only to see a small black amphibian on the ground. Natsu was a five inch, black and yellow...salamander. Gray and Gajeel nearly peed themselves laughing, while Natsu managed to have the most disappointed expression anyone had ever seen on an animal. Levy came to the rescue. "It's ok, Natsu! You're what's known as the fire salamander! You can't actually go near fire, but your head is poisonous!" Up on the balcony, Macao nodded sagely. "Yep. Got nuzzled by one of those fuckers 20 years ago. Laid me up for three days." The peanut gallery realized what that meant about the same time as Natsu launched his little body at Gray.

"AAAHHH! Get him off me!" Natsu jumped from person to person, aggressively rubbing his head on them before jumping to the next one. No one wanted to be the person that caught him with their hands. Finally, Freed trapped him in a little circle of ruins. While Wendy healed everyone he'd head-butted, human Erza appeared from the kitchen, covered in frosting and shamefaced. Before she could get a word out Jellal, still delightfully tipsy, ran a finger down her icing covered cheek and popped it into his mouth. They quickly disappeared back into the kitchen.

"Gihi! C'mon, Shrimp! I wanna see you be a real shrimp!" Gajeel cackled at Levy, who was standing near the lacrima. She gasped in outrage.

"You imbecile! I am NOT a shrimp!"

"Prove it!"

Levy slammed her hand onto the lacrima, glaring at Gajeel. A second later a teeny tiny owl sat on the counter. Gildarts leaned over the balcony, squinting. "Well, wouldja look at that. No surprises there. Girls got the brains to come out as an owl, and the elf owl is the smallest one around." By the bar, Gajeel was undergoing an internal crisis. On the one hand, she wasn't a shrimp. On the other, she was only 5 inches tall and weighed maybe an ounce and was so fluffy and tiny in his palm; she was adorable! Maybe even cuter than Lily in his pajamas. Cupping her carefully in his hands he squirreled her away to a corner, steadfastly refusing to share.

Evergreen, meanwhile, had floated over to the bar. She was just curious, of course. It had nothing to do with the large, muscular rhino still terrorizing the brawl. She could do whatever he could...were there a he to consider. She looked as indifferent as possible as she laid a delicate pinky down.

20 seconds later more screaming had erupted as a black mamba reminiscent of Medusa's hair tore across the floor, heading for a certain rhino. The ungulate panicked, smashing his way through several pillars in his haste to escape. Unfortunately for Elfman his 15 minutes were up, and he turned human again a second before running into another pillar. He fell to the floor unconscious and the mamba curled up on his chest. Because she was cold blooded. And needed heat to survive. She was only using him for his own needs, dammit, she didn't like it or anything.

Since one of the Thunder Tribe had taken the leap, the others had to as well. Freed graciously gestured for Laxus to go, but that asshole Bickslow tripped him and made him stumble into the lacrima before the seith mage slammed his own hand on it. Both of them twisted into new forms and got admiring looks from the others. Freed was a gigantic bat, wingspan fully five feet long. He looked like an airborne fox, a cunning master of darkness. "Isn't that a little, erm, cool for Freed? Woulda expected something a little more uptight." grunted Wakaba, exhaling a plume of smoke. "You'd think so," answered Gildarts, "but I spent some time in tropical forests with the local tribes learning their, hmm, customs from the local women. That there is a giant-golden-crowned-flying-fox-bat."

"It's a fucking what now?" He received squints from his fellows on the balcony.

"I know, damned long name. It's a huge, scary looking bat, obviously, but the thing only eats fruit and spends half the time cleaning itself. Might not look it, but it's kinda fitting." The other men nodded sagely and turned their attention to Bickslow. Immediately they wished they hadn't. At first glance, he looked like a songbird, until they saw him pick up one of his babies, fly it into the air, and then plunge down in order to slam it into a nail sticking up from the ground. That's when Macao hoarsely identified him as a shrike, a bird that attacked its prey by impaling it. And when they thought about it, Bickslow's babies were souls he'd trapped and now used to fulfill his wishes….Master decided to find the Thunder Tribe a nice long mission after this.

Laxus stood near Mira, trying to keep his cool face on. His team was awesome! As their leader and future master of fairy tail, he knew he was going to be the coolest fucking animal yet. And Mira was right here; she'd be hella impressed by whatever badass thing he was going to be. Maybe a golden eagle? The dragon Natsu had hoped for? As casually as possible, he knuckle bumped the lacrima, turning a handsome smirk Mira's way. He felt the change as an odd tickle in his gut, and before he knew it Mira went from a nice, normal sized person to a giant! What the hell? He tried to use his magic, and felt a tingle in his nether regions followed by a bright light. He looked down and saw himself reflected in the lacrima's surface.

He was a lightning bug.

There was a pop, and Natsu was back in his human form. Now able to exit Freed's runes, he wasted no time running up to Laxus, howling with laughter. "Fight me, Laxus! Fight me! Oh man! This is gonna be grea-OW!" Laxus had buzzed his way over and delivered a tiny static shock to the tip of Natsu's nose with his glowing butt. Furious, the fire slayer tried to squish the lightning mage, but Laxus flew out of reach and Lucy dragged Natsu away, scolding him about smushing guild members. The lightning bug flew away to sulk. Mira was giggling at him.

The brawl, still ongoing, ran it's way into the bar. The lacrima was jolted off its surface, spinning around on the floor until it fetched up against Kinana's shoes. Oh, hell, no. She had spent plenty of time as her spirit animal, thank you very much. She kicked it, hard. It spun into the air and slammed Nab in the back of the head, bouncing off to hit Warren between the eyes before falling to the floor. The two of them shuddered, and Nab grabbed onto the board. That was lucky for him, because a moment later a sloth hung in his place, perfectly content. It slowly leaned its head forward and nibbled at the edge of one of the requests. Upstairs, Master was awestruck. "That's the closest to a job he's come in years!"

The rest of the guild was gobsmacked as well, but for a different reason. They were surrounded by a forest of trees! They were dainty and white, and shook whenever someone touched one. Master smiled. "Ah. Aspen trees. Or tree, really. One mother tree creates an underground root structure from which the others all grow. They are all one in that way. It's theorized trees can communicate as well; I imagine aspens would be a prime example of that." Macao raised a brow. "That's cool and all, but how the hell is a tree supposed to be a useful spirit animal on a mission?" They all sighed at the well placed point. This was worse than the lightning bug. At least Laxus could move.

The lacrima had come to rest by Juvia's foot. She picked it up to place it back on a table. There was a weird squelching noise, and in her place sat a blue-green octopus. It looked to be about three pounds with legs that stretched to nearly two feet. The octopus slid off the table as Gray ran by making ice arrows. A second later there was a scream, and Gray ran the opposite direction with the octopus attached firmly to his torso. One limb detached and gleefully slid down his boxers.

Hidden in their shadowy corner, a long-since returned Levy snuggled into Gajeel's lap while perversely arguing that he put her down to go touch the lacrima. Looking at the chaos around him, he simply tightened his hold on her and grunted. He'd rather be in the corner with his owl-shrimp.

Jet and Droy, however, had other ideas. What better way to impress their Levy than with new magic?

"I want to touch it first!"

"No, me!"




They went back and forth for a moment before both plunging their hands down at the same time and grabbing at it. There was a boom of displaced air, and a moment later everyone in the guild was squashed to the sides of the room (except poor Warren, half of his grove was just flattened). Looking around wildly, Lucy was confronted with a smooth black wall. She touched it. It was wet! And warm? Then Master called from the gallery. "Droy! Just stay calm! Whales can survive on land without water for at least the 15 minutes you'll be stuck like that! Everyone else just grin and bear it!" Then she realized that the plant mage was a damn orca. How the hell did Droy end up a killer whale? Balanced precariously on its back was a cheetah. At least Jet's animal made sense. He spotted Levy squished in a corner with that iron bastard. He'd show them! Jet took off to race laps around the building to demonstrate his speed and superiority. Surely she'd love him after this!

While Jet ran, everyone else was stuck up against the walls. The other animals slowly returned to human form over the next quarter of an hour, until at last Droy returned to normal. Everyone took an unconstricted breath and used it to tell him to get the fuck away from the lacrima before he bumped it again and crushed them all.

Jet strolled back inside, panting lightly. He took a power stance, feet spread wide, and pointed at Gajeel. "You! Metalhead! Hand her over! Clearly my animal is better than anything you'll ever be!"

Gajeel stood up, cracking his knuckles and leaving Levy on the bench. He didn't punch Jet so much as smash him out of his way and deep into some drywall as he stalked over to the lacrima. With a terrifying sneer he slammed his hand down on it. Everyone held their breath, ready to run, but-wait, where was he? Levy ran over and picked something up off the floor. "Oh my god! He's a scaly-footed snail! So cuuuute!" she squealed. Everyone peered over her shoulder to see an inch long snail with a metal shell and metal plates on its foot. "The only animal known to have metal as part of it's body! So cool!" With that, Levy took off back to their corner to coo over Gajeel, leaving Jet and Droy a wailing mess.

Still covered in tentacle marks, Gray realized that both Flame-Brain and Iron-Breath had both touched the lacrima. Like hell he'd be the pansy of the group! He grabbed it firmly before his new body fell to the floor with a plop. Someone screamed. "Gray! Oh God, he can't breath, someone do something!"

Juvia swooped in, plucking the ice fish off the floor and throwing it into a large bowl before diving in after it, becoming water as she did so. Her head reformed and stuck up out of the bowl. "Ahh, Gray-sama is inside of Juvia! At last! Juvia has waited for this day! Would someone get Juvia some ice cubes? Gray-sama is an ice fish and needs the cold, and Juvia will take the pain if it is for Gray-sama's love." Everyone sweatdropped before Lisanna dumped a handful of ice cubes into the bowl and stepping quickly away. The guild tried their best to ignore Juvia's moans every time Gray swam around in her.

At least the guild hadn't taken on any more damage in the last five minutes. That was saying something for how today was shaping up. Then Mira stepped up to the table, smiling demurely. "Oh my," she said in her soft, sweet voice, "this is really rather fun, isn't it?" And she lightly touched the lacrima. A moment later everyone was screaming and running again, and Gildarts was comforting Master. "At least she didn't turn into a Tasmanian Devil at the same time Erza was a honey badger, right? That would've been terrible!"

In the terrified scramble to get away from Mira, Lisanna knocked against the lacrima as she jumped over the table, and when she landed on the floor she was an opossum. Confronted with a charging Tasmanian Devil, she did was opossums do best and immediately played dead. Elfman saw it from across the room and came charging over, screaming. "LISANNA! No! Lisanna, not again!" Evergreen smacked him on the back of the head. "She's just pretending, idiot! She's fine! He sniffled, then looked at the marsupial in his arms. "Then Lisanna's trick is MAN!" he bellowed, earning him another smack before they both had to run as Mira wreaked a path of destruction in their direction.

The guild was in absolute chaos. Giving in to the wild spirit of things, Laki picked up the lacrima and threw it hard at Max. In her new exciting beaver form, Laki proceeded to start tearing up furniture to build dams in a way that made Warren extremely glad he'd turned back into a human. Max was now a bowerbird and quickly began building an extravagant display to woo in his mate. He built it around her, as she seemed in no hurry to leave, and even gave in to some of his more perverted thoughts and plucked a few of her bristles to use in his design. He didn't care what anyone said, he and his broom were meant to be together, and he would show them all with the prettiest nest ever. In the corner, Gajeel had been happily oblivious to everything as Levy's now enormous body blocked his view. Turning back into a human, he quickly rolled off her and looked around. "This is embarrassing, but I think I'd rather go back to being a snail."

With all the insanity, no one had been keeping track of the lacrima until someone kicked it while running for their life from Laki as she sprayed some kind of horrific substance on them from her ass. Gildarts and Macao both sniffed at the air appreciatively. "Oh, castoreum. Beavers mark their territory with it-boy, that takes me back!" Master looked slightly ill while Wakaba seemed offended that he hadn't been invited. Regardless, the lacrima had been found and displaced and it spiraled through the air before landing with a plop in Cana's drink. Not one to waste good liquor, she chugged it down anyway. As her lips touched it, she shrank until she was small enough to fit in someone's palm. Surprisingly, she wrapped her tail around the mugs handle and lowered herself in to finish the drink. Gildarts had tears of pride in his eyes. "I recognize that! I wanted to get her one, but I couldn't bring the food source home!" Wakaba leaned over, squinting. "The hell is she?" Gildarts responded, joy evident in his voice. "She's a pen tailed tree shrew! They eat the nectar of the betram palm tree, it's 3.8% alcohol. Lil fuckers never get drunk, either." There was some mild concern over Gildarts' parenting skills, but that was ultimately forgotten by the peanut gallery with another shot or two.

Macao spluttered as he saw Romeo approach the lacrima. "Romeo! My boy! No!" The others held him back. "Let him be a man, Macao!"

Grinning awkwardly at Wendy, Romeo tried to look cool and unfazed by the chaos around him as he touched the lacrima and shifted into a mongoose. Unfortunately his instincts overpowered him immediately and he ran off to attack Kinana and Evergreen's ankles until Evergreen turned him into a fuzzy statue. On the balcony, Macao fell into a dead faint. Wendy was horrified when Romeo was turned to stone, but she couldn't keep her eyes off the lacrima. It was so close…

"Don't even think it, Wendy." Charle sniffed. "That thing is clearly a bad influence."

"But Charle!" Wendy breathed. "Maybe I'll be a cat like you! Do you think you'd be a human like me?"

"I'm already an animal, child. Touching that thing won't do anything for m-Wendy!" Too late, Wendy had already crept out of their hiding place and was shyly poking at the lacrima. To her delight, she became a gorgeous Morpho butterfly and spent her quarter hour floating happily above the madness, feeling the air currents of the guild in an entirely new way.

Lucy sat curled firmly under a table. There was no way in hell she was going out there to touch that thing. She was going to stay under this table all day if she had to! That is, she was, until Natsu poked his head underneath her hiding place and waved the lacrima at her. Since he'd already changed once today, he was now immune to its effects. "Hey, Luce! Time to find out what you'll be! Rust-face bet me 100 Jewels you'd be a bunny!"

Oh. God. No.

Lucy exploded out from under the table, running as though her life depended on it. She jumped over Mira, who snapped at her ankles, dodged a spray of castoreum from Laki's butt gland (they were going to have a talk about that later), slipped in part of Juvia as she tried to cling to a now human Gray, and was just gaining ground when she tripped over Romeo's statue. Natsu howled in joy as he jumped on her and pressed the lacrima between her eyes. Gajeel appeared as if by magic next to him, chanting. "Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny…"

But she wasn't a bunny. Where was she? Natsu felt a stirring under one of his hands and lifted it up to reveal a dark brown insect with a black horn on its head. Both the slayers' (and the peanut gallery's) mouths dropped open. "A dung beetle?!"

Over the next ten minutes the rest of the guild slowly returned to normal, and more and more people crowded around Natsu, holding Lucy carefully in his hand. No one could think of why Lucy, maiden of the stars and past heiress, would have a poo-bug as her spirit animal. Finally, time was up and Lucy reappeared in Natsu's arms. She took one look at them all and starting bawling, hiding her face in Natsu's neck. He looked entirely panicked.

"Lucy! Luce! Shit, I'm sorry! Why are you crying, what's wrong?"

She glared at him through puffy eyes. "Because you revealed my spirit animal to everyone, you ass!"

Levy stepped forward tentatively. "Lu-chan...did you know you'd be a, um, beetle?"

Lucy grit her teeth. "Of course I did! Dung beetles navigate by the stars!"

The guild was silent for a moment before bursting into laughter. No one had been ready for that. Natsu lifted Lucy's chin and used his thumb to wipe a tear away. "Luce, don't cry! I think that's super cool! It's weird, just like you!" She sniffled. "Really?"

He grinned down at her. "Plus, I'm a hundred jewels richer now! C'mon, I'll buy you ice cream for helping me show up metal face."

He pulled her out of the guild as the rest of the members started trickling away, leaving the peanut gallery to comfort Gramps as he cried over the cost of all the repairs.

Jellal and Erza stepped out from the kitchen, adjusting their clothes. Jellal reached down, carefully picking up the lacrima and storing it in a cloth in his bag. "Where will you go next?" Erza asked lightly as they walked to the door, hand in hand.

"Well, the lacrima seemed so popular here, I thought I might go give Sabertooth a visit."

Hope everyone got a laugh out of this! I got the idea for this story when reading an article about the scaly-foot snail, which is covered in iron sulfide. Is that Gajeel, or is that Gajeel? And then of course I had to find something for everyone and write up some chaos.