Harry never found out whether or not James took off Snape's pants. Let's slake his (and everyone else's) curiosity

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

The crowd roared with laughter as Snape twisted about in midair, kicking and thrashing, desperately trying to get free. Flying flecks of dandruff, grease, and lice formed a small cyclone around Snape's head, as his filthy hair flopped about.

"Come on James, give the greasy bastard what he deserves!" hollered Gideon Prewitt, his fellow member of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

"I'll bet five Galleons that Snivellus has a Dark Mark tattooed on his butt cheeks!" jeered Frank Longbottom.

"Are those diarrhea stains on Snivelly's knickers?" This inquiry elicited a chorus of giggles and whispers, and at least two dozen pointing fingers. With his face reddening and tears welling in his eyes, Snape threw both hands over the questionable brown smudges on seat of his boxers. But James flicked his wand, and Snape's hands were instantly immobilized as his sides.

Sirius cackled maliciously. "Don't worry, Snivelly. You'll be shitting your pants plenty, once we're through with you."

"Last chance, Evans!" James called to Lily's retreating form. "You don't want to miss this!"

"Forget about her, Prongs," Sirius clapped James on the shoulder. "Just get on with the show."

The audience was getting restless at the delay. A thunderous chant of "Take them off! Take them off! Take them off! Take them off!" exploded from the crowd, reverberating off the castle walls, rippling across the lake, and echoing through the voluminous canopies of the forest. High overhead, a flock of birds squawked obliviously as they passed.

Remus Lupin shifted uncomfortably. "Prongs, don't you think you've taken this too far?" he muttered. "I mean, I hate Severus as much as the next guy, but what you're about to do to him… I wouldn't wish it on Lord Voldemort."

Sirius brushed him off. "Don't be soft, Moony. Who cares about greasy old Snivellus?"

James cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you have all been waiting for. Three, two, one, Diffindo!"

Snape's graying, moldy underwear split open. His buttocks and genitals lay in plain sight before the entire student body. Sirius lifted his wand and slowly rotated Snape around in a circle, making sure that everyone got a good look. With his final vestige of dignity wasted away, Snape's lower lip quivered, his nose reddened, and a single tear slid down the side of his sallow face. But he clenched his teeth until his gums ached. There was no way he would let James Potter hear him cry.

Sirius pointed. "Take a look at Snivelly's junk. Two inches!"

"That's two inches longer than what I'd have expected," retorted James.

Laughter exploded from the crowd in a cacophonous boom, like an array of unsynchronized Fillibuster Fireworks. Students rolled on the ground, shrieking with mirth, snorting as they choked on slippery strands of tears and mucus. Peter Pettigrew was on all fours, kicking and pounding the grass with his pudgy fists, on the verge of wetting his pants. James beamed with delight, reveling in the attention he was receiving. Remus Lupin had his nose buried in a book once again.


Lily Evans was back, her eyes blazing with rage and indignation. "James Potter, you are disgusting!"

"Not as disgusting as this." James dangled Snape's underwear in her livid face. The onlookers exploded in a fresh wave of laughter.

James tossed Snape's underwear to Sirius. "If I don't catch the Snitch against Hufflepuff in the first ten minutes of tomorrow's match, I'll wear Snivelly's knickers on my head for the rest of the day."

"It isn't funny!" Lily seethed. "You deserve to be expelled for this!"

Sirius tossed the lump of moldy gray cloth to Lily. "Evans, if you care so much about your precious Sniv-Sniv, why don't you sleep with this under your pillow, and quit being such a buzzkill?"

"Buzzkill?" Lily demanded incredulously. "Do you know what I think is funny, James Potter? You're always going on about your stupid fantasies of fighting You-Know-Who. You preach against the Dark Arts until you're blue in the face, like a self-righteous sanctimonious prick. But bullies like you are what drive people into the Dark Arts in the first place! You bully and torture people until they have nowhere else to turn! I hope you lose every Quidditch match you ever play!"

"She got you there, Prongs," Lupin whispered out the corner of his mouth. "You can't argue with that."

But James would not be so easily deterred. "The day I lose a Quidditch match is the day Snivelly washes his hair. Hell will freeze over when someone catches the Snitch before I do."

Lily paused for a few seconds as she searched her arsenal for an appropriate retort. "Well, if you bully Severus one more time, you'll never play Quidditch again."

"And how exactly do you plan to do that?" Sirius dared.

A triumphant gleam flickered in Lily's eyes, as she pointed across the grounds, where a tiny figure in emerald green robes was barely discernible, stepping out of the castle. "McGonagall was watching from her office. She saw everything, and is coming to get you right now. You can kiss goodbye to your place on the team, Potter."

"What?" James yelped, his face going white with shock. He shook his head frantically. "You ratted us out! You must have! Evans, how could you?"

Sirius gave his distressed friend a pat on the back. "Don't worry, Prongs. She's bluffing. McGonagall hates that greasy slimeball too. Didn't she high-five you when you set Snivelly's hair on fire?"

"Shut up, Padfoot." James snapped miserably.

Sirius shrugged. "Well, if you've been kicked off the team, you've got nothing to lose now." He jerked his head towards Snape, who was still struggling in vain to free himself. "She won't be here for another five minutes. Why not make the most out of those precious five minutes?"

"Right," James bent down to grab a thin, knobby tree branch that had fallen into the grass. Regaining his swagger, he turned to face the crowd once more. "Who wants to see Snivelly get spanked?" A clamor of approval rang out.

James gripped the branch tightly in his fist, and with lightning speed and agility borne of his skills as Seeker, lashed it viciously across Snape's bare buttocks. "Take that, Snivelly! And that!"

Snape's jaw was clenched and his eyes screwed shut in a stony, recalcitrant façade. He was not going betray any sign of weakness in front of his tormentors. But by ten strokes he was starting to tear up, and by fifteen he could no longer hold back his screams of agony. Loud, angry curses erupted from his throat and echoed violently across the grounds.

"Yeah Prongs! Beat his ass!" Sirius and Peter roared with laughter as Snape screamed in pain and let loose a lengthy string of profane threats. But James continued plowing away inexorably. Layers of skin split open and peeled back, revealing the raw, tender flesh below. Dozens of red and burgundy welts crisscrossed his butt cheeks. Sirius chuckled, "You're about beat the shit out of Snivelly, and I mean that quite literally."


"Oh damn, McGonagall is coming." James delivered one final blow before hastily ducking behind a tree and disappearing beneath his invisibility cloak. Snape was left dangling in the air upside-down, half naked, with blood and pus oozing from his lacerated buttocks like a quivering mass of red Jell-O.