Disclaimer: I do not own Blindspot. More like it's the other way around… I've come to realize that THEY own ME. :) As usual, I don't own the lyrics or any other part of the song "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
A/N: Early this summer, when I already had 3 Blindspot fics AND a book going, the song "First Day of My Life" came up on my iTunes shuffle one day, and somehow, I immediately saw this fic, like a little movie in my head. I told myself that I wouldn't start it until I finished at least ONE of those projects, and somehow I stopped myself – though every time I played the song, the images ran through my head so vividly that it was painful to stop myself from writing them down. And now, finally, just before s3 starts, I can finally put it down on "paper." I hope you enjoy it.
Sometimes a song makes you think about a million things at once. Fleeting bits of memories mixed with thoughts, pieces of dreams that you don't even consciously remember. Everything inside your head that makes you who you are, makes you feel what you feel. Since the first time they'd heard it, that's what this song had done for Jane and Kurt, and it never seemed to mean any less. If anything, it only seemed to mean more to them each time it played. This time, as they looked into each other's eyes, it was understood better than ever before. All of it.
This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I'll never forget that day. I can see it so vividly, like it was yesterday. Standing with Mayfair at the window into that room where they had her. I couldn't understand why Mayfair thought that I might know her – I swore I'd never seen her before. And then they turned her around, and… my name was tattooed on her back. It was crazy enough that she was covered in tattoos, but why was my name on her back? I was stunned, I think understandably, at the time. Looking back now, I can't help but smile. I couldn't know at that moment how she would change my life.
I remember the day he walked into the interrogation room. I remember that I was terrified. I didn't know anything. Not who I was, not where I was… nothing about anything. I racked my brain, and nothing came. Everything was lost in a haze that wouldn't clear… but he walked toward me, and somehow I felt… I don't know. Something powerful. Granted, I was still terrified. But I'd seen a few other people before him, and none of them had even looked me in the eye. He was the first one to treat me like a human being. But not just like a human being. He didn't know what was going on either, but he was so… calm. He seemed to think there was a reason for what was going on, and that he could find out what it was. I was still so scared, but… at least I wasn't alone.
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Rain. That night… the rain.
Breathe. You're not there anymore…
Pulling Taylor's remains out of that boot, and feeling my heart literally shattering. So much pain… I stopped noticing the rain, it was just the rage, the despair…
And I took it all out on Jane... So many regrets.
She's looking at me. She knows what I'm thinking, as she always does. And just like that, I'm smiling. There's pain in it, but it's there. Because of her.
I love that I know what he's thinking. I hate what it is that he's thinking, but I love that I can see that look on his face and he doesn't have to tell me. I just know. It's not always easy for him to tell me, and it's like the longer we're together… but no, in a way that's not new. In some ways it's been like this from the beginning. Of course, it was more that he could read me from the beginning, anyway, not vice versa. It took me longer to catch up – the story of my very short life as Jane, I guess. And yet, he's never made me feel like I'm behind. Anything but.
Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Everyone always says, when you meet the right person, you'll know. It sounds so cheesy and stupid, and I really thought that that was just crap people said. And yet… how funny that it would turn out to be absolutely true. When I look back, I can see that of course it didn't work with Allie or anyone else. It all makes perfect sense now. How could it have worked with them, when I was only ever waiting for Jane?
I literally don't remember another face before his. There were people, for sure. But I was so drugged, and everything was just a blur, a haze. Besides, none of them looked at me, at least not any differently than they would have if I was an object. It was like… I was a piece of furniture. Granted, I met him the first day I was Jane – not the first hour or two, since they had to fly him back in from Kentucky, but… in the first twenty-four hours, anyway. So there weren't that many people that I could have remembered. But I like it better that way – the fact that his face really is the first one I remember. There's just something beautiful about that.
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
Oh, I know where I am now, alright. Exactly where I should be. With Jane. As for where I've been? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters except the fact that we're here… together. Where I want to go… God, it sounds stupid, even inside my head, but it's the truth. It doesn't even matter where I go after this, as long as she comes with me. I never thought I'd be someone who would say that. I never felt that about anyone else. How could the person I was with matter more than where I was? But she does. More than anything else.
He has that look on his face… It reminds me of that day in the Hamptons… the day we met Rich Dotcom. That day is still one of my very, very favorite memories. When he told me he was too choosy to have ever been married. I knew that all of his actions were for our cover that day, and I tried not to let myself like it so much when he stood close to me, but the look in his eyes… That was another story. I tried to tell myself that that was for our cover too, especially later, when it all fell apart so horribly… So that it wouldn't hurt so much that I'd lost it. But I know now that my first instinct had been the right one. I felt like no matter what was going on around me, if I could have him there, looking at me that way, nothing else mattered.
And so I'd thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I especially am slow
She's smiling at me with that little smile because she knows… we're thinking the same thing. We're both slow. We both made it this far in our lives without getting anywhere, in a way. Not literally, obviously. I'd already been with the Bureau for years, and she… well, she hadn't exactly done nothing, just… I don't want to say nothing positive, but it might be true. Either way, we both ended up at the right place at the right time. And we were goddamn slow about it.
Oh, that smile she's giving me. How the hell did it take me so long? I'm such an idiot.
To say that we took our time is an understatement. From the look on her face it's obvious that we're thinking the same thing… but looking back, it all makes sense. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, obviously, and he was… well, it was understandable that he wasn't rushing towards anything or anyone. And yes, there's a lot that I wish hadn't happened the way it did. But when it comes down to it, how slow we went didn't matter. Maybe we were going at exactly the speed we were supposed to go.
But I realized that need you
And I wondered if I could come home
The day we captured Shepherd and the hours leading up to it… everything was so chaotic. And then there was the two of us, in the middle of everything else, both trying to push the other one to do what would make us happy, but without having an unfair influence on what the other one did… In other words, not saying how we really felt, when all either of us wanted was each other. We were both just too stubborn to say it out loud. And then that night at my place, when we were standing in the hall and I was afraid she was going to say she was leaving… No, more than afraid. And then those fifteen words. "This is where I want to be. I love you, too, Kurt. And I just…" That was twelve words more than enough. I'd been worried, before that – that she was going to leave. Even after I said I loved her – since I passed out immediately afterwards, we couldn't exactly talk about it. After that night in the hall, though, I realized I couldn't let her. Not ever. It was all over for me. Really, it had been all over for me long before that.
God, we were stupid. How many times did I have to realize this before I actually realized it? I was so conflicted when I came back after the CIA. I didn't want to be there. I was so angry at them all. What I wanted was to go back to what we'd had in the beginning and make better choices. To choose not to lie to him, even though I did it to protect him. I wanted to go back to the time when things between us were, in hindsight, easy. When I could stand in front of him and immediately feel better, no matter what. When just his hand on my arm – while it didn't solve any of my problems – in a way, it solved the biggest one… because I didn't feel alone anymore. And then when I came back, it was like I'd thrown all that away. Because I had. And he was just as angry. It was all impossible to fix… or it felt like it was.
But we did. I can't believe I got it all back, and then some.
I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up
I'm really an idiot. It took me almost dying to wake up and tell her what I should have said so long before that. That I loved her. Of course, I don't know when a better time would have been. We were always chasing someone or fighting for our lives. And I guess I always felt like she knew… even when I didn't know that's what I was thinking, I somehow felt like just by looking at each other, we understood. Apparently I didn't know what we understood, which doesn't even make sense. Looking back, I know that she loved me, too. But damn, I should have told her earlier anyway. It doesn't matter now, I guess. You could say that I was really, really lucky. That I am lucky.
Everything has changed. So much. And yet… not at all. I look into his eyes, and they're the same ones that stared back at me in the interrogation room that day. We have more answers now, granted, but more questions, too. And he doesn't hide behind walls anymore… not with me, anyway. I think that's the biggest change. I think it's my favorite one.
And you said
'This is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
I think back to all the times I could have died on the job. I've had a career full of luck. Or I thought I had. And then I come to find out it was all Shepherd pulling the strings. Still, I like to think that if I was a screw-up, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere, Shepherd or no Shepherd. And yes, maybe Shepherd is the reason I survived long enough to meet Jane. Today, at least, I don't even care. If that's how it is, so be it. What matters is, as messy as it all was, we both made it to where we are today, standing here together. Shepherd can't control us anymore.
I don't even know most of what I did as Remi, and I might never know. And I'm okay with that. Somehow, Kurt convinced me along the way that it doesn't matter. That I can leave her behind. Not completely, of course. No one can leave their past behind completely, though I guess not remembering most of it is an advantage in the department. But even what little I do remember, I know I'm lucky to have made it to where I am, so I could be with him. In a way, I guess Shepherd unintentionally did me a favor. Which is hard, because in addition to everything else I feel about her… I'm also grateful.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.'
This is how I know for sure how I feel about her. It's what finally made me wake up and say something. Because when Jane talked about going to California… I could picture my life absolutely anywhere if I was with her, but if she left… It felt like she'd been in my life for so long, even though it was just a few years, that I couldn't even imagine her not being there. I kept a straight face for a few hours, but inside, I was panicked. I don't know why I thought I shouldn't tell her, why it took me to feel like I was going to die before I did. No, now I understand. I could literally leave everything behind and start over… and as long as Jane's with me, I have everything.
It wasn't too long ago that I had nothing, no one, and I was terrified. And yet, as soon as I had Kurt – not 'had' him in any formal way, just that he was there, in my life – even though I still basically had nothing… that was when it started to be okay. That's how I know that I absolutely could go anywhere with him and do it again. After all, we had so many… issues the first time. It would seem easy without all that.
So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
There is no 'if.' I want to be with Jane. Forever.
As far as wait and see… that's like our slogan. That's all we've done these past few years. Wait and see how we handle the next problem, wait and see what the other person says… I'm okay with wait and see if I can have her with me… but I don't know how we managed so long to wait and see about us.
I do want to be with him. That might be the only thing I know for sure.
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
I already won the lottery. Her smile is the jackpot.
Winning a hundred million dollars in the lottery wouldn't be better than this feeling… it's no contest. I would choose him every day for the rest of time, no matter what the other choice was.
Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me
This time is very different. Not only do I like her, but I love her. I'm never going to let her forget that. I would go to the ends of the Earth for her.
He has that goofy smile on this face. The one that reminds me all over again how lucky I am, because no one else gets that smile. He only looks at me that way. He always has, even before we knew anything about me. It was like he knew somehow… things about me that neither of us could have known. That there was something between us that we could only feel, but had no proof of, no reason for. I just… love him.
The simple melody of the guitar in the song plucked out the last notes of the melody and the song ended. They slowly stopped moving as the world around them faded back in. For the past few minutes, they'd been conscious of nothing but each other, dancing close together. The first thing they heard were cheers from off to their left side. They didn't have to look to see who was making all the noise – they knew the voices well.
"Kiss her!" one of them shouted, and several others cheered loudly.
Kurt smiled, not needing any other encouragement today. Taking one hand off of Jane's back, he slowly traced the backs of his fingertips across her cheek, and then rested his whole hand there.
"Did I tell you that you look beautiful today?" he asked in a whisper as they swayed slightly as the next song began. "Of course, you look beautiful every day…"
"You did," she replied. "But I'm not stopping you if you want to tell me again."
"You look beautiful today," he repeated softly, leaning his face closer, smiling as he kissed her, to the delight of their spectators.
She smiled at how very unlike himself he was acting. Or, how unlike the old Kurt Weller her new husband was acting. The old Kurt Weller would never have kissed her in public, would never have kissed her at all, actually, despite the fact that the look he'd always given her had told her in no uncertain terms how he'd felt about her since the first day.
They'd come a long way. Then again, on your wedding day, you were expected to kiss in public, at least a few times. There would be no over the top public displays of affection, of course, but considering that everyone they were close to, with the exception of Sarah and Sawyer, were pretty much people they worked with, it was a little strange – but in a good way – to let himself kiss her in front of them. But he ignored the strangeness, because his desire to kiss her was stronger than anything else.
"They better not start doing this in the office," Zapata groaned as they watched. It was sweet, yes, and they had a pass on their wedding day, but any other day it could be cause for her to make sarcastic comments to no end.
"You just keep your eyes on your work and it won't matter," Kurt called across the dance floor, his face lit up with a wide grin as he addressed Zapata, who stood at the edge. She'd been watching them, talking to Reade and Patterson, with a few others hovering behind them.
The small crowd chuckled, while Zapata rolled her eyes, but smiled good-naturedly. She knew that Weller wasn't going to start kissing Jane in the office. Of course, they'd still be sufficiently annoying to be around – newlyweds were sufficiently annoying in general. Then again, Jane and Kurt had always managed to be blatantly obvious about their feelings for each other. Never inappropriate, just obvious – to everyone else except themselves.
"What do you say we get out of here for five minutes?" Kurt asked, leaning down to speak into Jane's ear.
"Just five minutes?" she asked teasingly, arching her eyebrow at him.
"For now, yes. There'll be more than five minutes later." He winked at her as she chuckled, smiling up at him. She'd barely had anything to drink, they'd been so busy, and yet she felt drunk on happiness.
The next song was starting, and they finally dropped their arms from each other, his arm going immediately around her waist as they stepped slowly off the small dance floor.
"We're just going to take a little walk," Kurt told their small audience. "Reade, Zapata, you're in charge of making sure that Rich doesn't follow us."
"What? Why would I do that?" asked a suddenly flustered Rich Dotcom, who'd been standing behind them on the sidelines and staring adoringly at his self-professed favorite couple.
"Because you told us the first time we met you that you like to watch," Jane replied, shaking her head at him. Some people never changed, and Rich was one of them, for better or for worse.
Responding immediately, Reade and Zapata were already gripping Rich by the arms, one on either side of him. "Go on guys, we got this," Reade told the happy couple.
"Oh, you guys, this is kind of unnecessary… Wait… You know what? I think I like it," Rich told the two agents, looking from one of them to the other as they both flinched slightly, but managed not to let go of him.
"Shut up, if you know what's good for you," Zapata told him sharply, at which his smile dimmed a few notches but didn't disappear.
"Shall we?" Kurt asked his brand new wife, the smile on his face wider than she'd ever seen before.
"With you? I'd go anywhere," she replied softly. As she gathered the ends of her dress so that they didn't drag on the ground for the walk down the path that would lead to a small, picturesque gazebo just around a bend, behind some trees, she felt him pull her tighter.
It had been a long road to get here, and it wouldn't be the end of the challenges they would face. They had no illusions about this. If the past had taught them anything, it was that things would probably only get more complicated. And yet, that was okay.
After all, today was a new starting point.
A/N: You may be surprised to hear this (especially since me writing a one shot almost never happens), but no, there's no more to this one. It's actually already longer than I intended. I only wanted the dance part and their thoughts interspersed with the song lyrics. But the other characters muscled their way in, and refused to be told no. :)