Author's Note: As always, I should be focusing on the works that I currently have posted and uncomplete, but this idea came to me and won't go away and I'm feeling angsty, so I'm writing it anyways. Also, I wrote this in like two hours, so there's a good chance that there are a ton of errors in here, so sorry. If you haven't heard Behind Blue Eyes by the Who, then I recommend listening to it because it's really a beautiful song. Read, review, and enjoy!
See end author's note for any WARNINGS
Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
"Demon." Suguro sneered as Rin walked past, unconsciously shifting his body to shield the slightly shaking Konekomaru behind him. Rin did his best to ignore him, to block out the sounds of the taunts, and sit in his seat without causing a scene. It seemed like luck was on his side that day because he managed to sit down without getting in a fight or even launching his own retaliatory verbal response.
That didn't stop Suguro from continuing his sneering comments and cruel slurs. Rin, used to the words after almost a month of the others knowing that he was a Satan spawn, was able to pretty successfully ignore the words for the time being. He knew that his brain was picking up every insult, every vicious comment and he knew that the words would torture him in his sleep and when he was alone, but for now he could filter them out. He couldn't, however, ignore Konekomaru's harsh, panicked whisper, "Stop it, Bon! Don't provoke a demon!"
Rin's jaw clenched and he just barely stopped his tail from swishing angrily. He didn't want to scare Konekomaru anymore than he already did. Knowing the other teen, Suguro would definitely find a way to make that Rin's fault and would just use it as more fodder for his verbal attacks.
Then again, Suguro's words were preferable to the girls. Shiemi and Izumo ignored Rin, turning their heads away and sitting together even though they didn't know each other all that well. Shiemi shook like Konekomaru shook, hands clenching the opposite arm's wrist like she thought she was hiding them in her usual kimonos. Without the long, wide sleeves of the kimonos, it just made her look shy and scared and vulnerable, all things that Rin knew that Shieme hated being. Those were things that she fought her hardest to eradicate in herself so she could be of use to people. At least, that was what she'd told Rin when she was still confiding in him on things.
Didn't they see that they were hurting him? Couldn't they see that every word, every blatant dismissal, every terrified tremble was like a knife straight through his heart? Were they so blinded by his pointed ears and long canines and fluffy tail that they couldn't see the sad, hurting boy underneath?
Rin trudged back to his dorm room, tail swinging limply behind him, as despondent as he was. He knew that he'd be going home to a completely empty dorm hall. His brother was almost never home anymore, doing his homework or work in the library or in the cram school classrooms over doing them at home where Rin might be.
Rin didn't think that Yukio was purposefully avoiding him or trying to stay away. Although, he wouldn't blame his brother if he was doing it on purpose. To be honest, he didn't blame any of the others for their actions either. They might be unintentionally – or maybe intentionally – hurting him and flaying him open every day, but he deserved it. He was just a no-good demon. He was worthless and dangerous and stupid and not cut out for the world he found himself in. How could he blame the others for only seeing that much of him?
How could he blame the others for not understanding that he was half-human too? How could be blame them for being scared or angry or vengeful? They were normal. They fit in. They didn't understand what it was like to be born evil. They didn't understand what it was like to be born destined for sadness and rejection. They couldn't see past the bright, Satan blue of his eyes.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
When Rin got to cram school, there wasn't anyone there. He normally arrived late, or at least he was normally the last one there. He didn't feel like he'd come there any earlier than usual. Checking his phone, he saw that the time was actually a little later than he normally came. The nightmares that had been keeping him up must have given him a sense of lethargy. Or maybe his body subconsciously knew that he really, really didn't want to be there with the rest of the students, being hated and mocked.
Shrugging his shoulders, Rin sat down in his usual chair and pulled out his homework from regular school. Maybe there was something that made the rest of them a little late. He was sure they'd show up eventually. On that vein of thought, Rin got to working on his math homework, squinting at the instructions that only served to confuse him more than actually instruct him. As per usual. Sighing, Rin dove into the work anyways, knowing that he'd get it wrong either way.
Sometime later, Rin blinked blurry eyes open. He must have fell asleep at some point or another while he was working. Glancing at his paper, Rin grimaced. He'd barely gotten through half of the first page before he'd conked out. Fantastic.
An angry stomp caused him to jerk to attention. One of the cram school instructors was stood before him, thin face pinched with anger. She must have been the one to wake him. Her lips pursed and her nose wrinkled before she spat out, "What on earth are you doing here sleeping like some slob? Does cram school mean nothing to you?"
Rin blinked, hastily standing up. He ignored the way she recoiled with his movements and answered her, voice still slightly slurred with sleep, "Uh, of course it means something to me, sensei. When I came here, no one else had gotten here yet, so I figured that I'd just work on some homework and I must have fallen asleep. Sorry sensei." Looking around curiously, Rin realized that there was still no one else in the classroom. Frowning slightly and pulling in his lower lip, Rin asked, "Sensei? Where are the other students?"
The woman sneered at him, shaking her head in anger, "Of course. Of course you forgot that your lessons were moved to another classroom today. Pitiful."
Rin was already shaking his head in denial as she was speaking. He responded the moment she stopped, "I wasn't told that we were going to be moved to another classroom. I-,"
She didn't let him finish, however, barking, "Don't give me those excuses. Maybe if you didn't fall asleep so easily, you'd hear when teachers tell you important things."
"It's the tru-," Rin began, only to be interrupted again.
She snarled, "Don't lie to me, demon! I don't take well to liars. You've missed the class by now. You might as well go home. And don't expect anyone to tell you what you missed. Even though you can't afford to skip any classes with that deadline coming up." Shaking her head once more in disgust, the woman left Rin alone in the empty classroom, her words still ringing in his head.
Lie. Demon. Deadline. Liar. Excuses. Demon. Demon. Demon.
What did he expect? He was a filthy demon. It wasn't like he was capable of telling the truth. It's not like he didn't pay as much attention as he possibly could in class because getting a good grade was the difference between life and death for him. It's not like he asked the teachers for extra work so he could get the concepts down fast enough to move onto something else. It's not like he was spending all of his free time working with Shura to get his powers under control. It's not like no one wants to talk to him to tell him that class was moved that day. No, none of that could possibly be true because he was just a demon and demons didn't understand the concept of taking responsibility and telling the truth.
But, it's not like he could ask her to understand. She wasn't a demon. She didn't understand what it was like to be hated for being born. To be hated for looking different. To be hated for being himself for once in his life. She didn't understand what it was like to be fated as a liar and a cheat. To never be trusted. To never be understood.
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
Rin methodically folded the flour into the batter he was mixing. His eyes were sightlessly staring out the window, musing on the dream he'd had that night.
It wasn't a long dream and it wasn't particularly detailed, but it was still beautiful. He'd watched the whole thing from off to the side, like he was a coal tar floating by or something. There had been a beautiful restaurant. The outside had been cheerfully decorated with bright paints and gorgeously sculpted and grown flower boxes outside of the window.
The inside of the restaurant was just as cheerful and warm-colored. The walls were a rich, sunburnt orange and the tables and chairs were a pale beech wood. The floors were hand painted, glazed tiles with various foods painted on pale yellow backgrounds. There were plants crunched into corners and draped over the cash register and centered elegantly on every table.
The seats were full with people Rin recognized – a whole long table in the center had all of the monks, Shiro seated at the head of the table with Yukio on his right and Kuro balanced on his head. The tables surrounding the center one were filled with small groups – the Kyoto trio at one table, Izumo, Paku, and Shiemi at another, Mephisto and Amaimon chatting at yet another. All of them were smiling and laughing and chatting.
Silence fell as a figure stepped out from the kitchen and Rin looked to see himself, silly chef's apron and hat encasing his figure. Most importantly, there were no demonic features present. He had plates of food balanced on both his arms and his tail and his head. The Rin in the dream looked up at the sudden silence before grinning and announcing that the food was here. The people in the restaurant started clapping and whistling as he put out the plates with a slight blush and a happy smile stretched across his face. The dream had ended in that moment of bliss and Rin had immediately moved silently down to the kitchen, his sanctuary.
His dream had been a neat little compilation of everything he wanted – dream of – in this life. He wished he could be a chef like he had dreamed of being since that first time someone told him his food was good. He wished his father – his real one, never Satan – was still alive. He wished he wasn't a demon. He wished that his friends still cared for him and would spend time with him and support him.
Despite the fact that he knew that these were foolish, hopeless dreams that would never get him anywhere, Rin knew that he'd never stop dreaming them. They were the only things that kept him going. The thought that maybe, maybe there was a chance that even one small portion of those dreams could come true got him through every day and convinced him to study his exorcist books and allowed him to put on a fake smile for the people around him who weren't really looking.
He might be empty inside, hollowed out and torn down by the people he'd called friends and the demon blood coursing through his veins. He might be a monster, blue fire raging out of him at any provocation and demons slaughtered beneath his merciless blows. But he still had dreams. He would always have his dreams.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
Rin was alone. That wasn't particularly surprising. There were a lot of times that he was generally alone. Although, normally Kuro at least would stay with him, small horns butting up against Rin's side every time he started to drift into caustic, harmful thoughts. Kuro wasn't there today, though. He'd gone with Yukio on a mission that needed a Cat Sith but didn't need a dangerous Satan-spawn. At least Kuro had fought to convince Yukio (through Rin's translations) to let Rin come, but in the end, Rin had convinced Kuro to just go with Yukio. People were in danger the longer Rin stalled and he didn't want anyone getting hurt because he'd feel lonely.
For some reason, he couldn't convince himself to do anything but sit on the roof of the dorm building, clouds scuttling across his vision and wind rushing along his skin. His eyes drifted shut as the silence surrounded him, cutting him off from the rest of the world and crushing him, slowly, completely.
Shooting into a sitting position, Rin gasped for breath that wasn't coming. Reflexive tears came to his eyes as he struggled to breathe through the panic clouding his brain and blurring his vision. For a brief moment, he was the only one there, alone in a cruel and cold world that would never allow him to feel joy. He was alone in a crowd of people. He was alone at every moment of every day and he'd never stop being lonely.
Rin hissed as something scratched up through his wrist. There was a dark rock by his hand. In his panic, his hand had slipped over the sharp edge, blood welling around the cut. Gasping for breath that was finally coming, Rin realized that the pain of the cut had grounded him. He watched in mild horror – mild fascination – as the blood leaked determinedly out of the cut on his wrist. It was right underneath his thumb, cutting through a spot that was just skin and bone on the very side of his wrist. Luckily it had missed anything important and didn't seem to have been bad enough to have gouged at his bone or something. Even as he watched, the cut was healing, sealing up from the bottom and moving towards the top of the cut, skin knitting back together with a sickening sort of internal adhesive.
It was probably bad to hate his enhanced healing. But he did. He hated it with every fiber in his being. He hated it with every healed cut, with every healed bone, with every healed bruise. He felt like there was a part of him being denied every time a bruise healed within minutes of appearing. There was something about bleeding, about letting red blood escape that made Rin feel accepted.
His blood was like everyone else's. He had the blood of a human running through his veins. It felt like every time his healing stopped the blood flow his demonic side was hiding away any bit of humanity that might have survived his awakening. It felt like his demonic abilities were sealing his humanity back inside where others couldn't see it and finally accept him. It was like his own body was betraying him.
Angry with his life, with the loneliness, with his stupid powers, Rin smashed his arm, his leg, his hand against the rock, blood running down his arms and drying even as the cuts sealed over and the bruises went calmly, quickly through their stages.
When Yukio found Rin several hours later, covered in blood, the first thing he said was, "What did you do?!" Rin thought that it was pretty bad that he was starting to wish he was alone again.
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
Frustration swept through Rin as all three candles lit when he only wanted two of them to. The frustration lit itself as a literal flame inside Rin and that flame swept out in front of him, decimating the candles, leaving only waxy smudges on the floor.
He let out a harsh breath and tried valiantly to stop the tears pooling in his eyes. He wiped roughly at the tears, cursing himself for his weakness. For his inability to get this stupid task right. Cursing himself for being himself.
The tears didn't stop with that harsh swipe at his eyes and he punched the floor in anger. He couldn't even take this much! He was such a pitiful, pathetic, waste of space.
Shura had run in at the sound of the slam and her eyes widened at the sight of Rin crying on the floor with the leftovers of candles entirely melted in front of him. Rin watched as she winced slightly, running a hand over her ponytail and licking her lips. She crouched down in front of him, expression unbearably sympathetic, "Look, Rin. I know I told ya that ya needed to get this worked out fast, but there's a limit to the amount ya should do in a day. And I think you've reached yer limit a long time ago. You'll get it tomorrow, but ya should leave it alone for the rest of today."
"I can get it!" Rin asserted stubbornly, still trying to stop the tears and work past the lump lodged in his throat.
"I know ya can get it." Shura said, putting a hand out as if to rest it on his shoulder, but pulling back before it made contact. She continued, "But ya don't have to get it today."
"I know I don't have to, but I want to. I can." Rin argued.
Shura sighed, "Kid, yer just going to tire yerself out. I know ya feel like this has to be done now, but-,"
Rin interrupted her, voice hard, "Actually, you don't what how I feel. You don't know and you can't know, so don't try to know. You aren't trying to learn everything you can about exorcism in six months because if you don't you'll die. You aren't some worthless demon scum. You aren't hated by literally everyone. You don't have uncontrollable powers that you could easily kill everyone you love with. So you don't know how I feel. You can't know how I feel. Stop assuming that you do! Stop patronizing me! Stop looking at me like I'm some pitiful little creature! I can do this! And I'm going to! So just get out and let me do it!" When Shura didn't move, eyes wide and hand held slightly over her chest above the seal that held her sword, Rin shouted louder, pupils going red and flames erupting around him, "Get out!"
She scrammed then, turning and quickly fleeing out the way she came, though Rin knew that she'd just settle right outside the door. She wasn't allowed to go farther than the next room over when he was practicing using his powers. It was one of the many constrictions he'd been living under.
Rin felt bad for scaring her like he did. He'd just… gotten angry. He'd lost control. Surprise, surprise. He hated his flames. He hated the blue that still haloed him and cast unnaturally tinted shadows on the walls around him. He hated the horns of blue flame that lit up his blue-tinted hair. He hated the color blue. He hated Satan.
That demon was the reason that he was forced to live this broken, shattered, lonely existence. He was the one who had committed the crimes that Rin was currently paying for. Rin hated his father and hated the way that the demon had fawned off all of his curses and his legacy onto an unsuspecting, unknowing Rin. In truth, though, the only one that could really be to blame was Rin himself. He was the one who let Satan into Father Fujimoto. He was the one who unsheathed the Kurikara. It was him. It was all his fault. He was the one to blame.
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
Eyes closing tightly, Rin bit harshly on his lower lip, mouth flooding with the copper taste of blood. He would not respond. He would not get angry. He would focus on the pain of his healing lip and not on the accusations being spat at him from a furious Suguro.
At this point, Rin wasn't even sure what Suguro was blaming him for. Rin likely wasn't even present for whatever it was. It was probably still his fault anyways.
In the past, if Suguro had been accusing him of something that Rin didn't even know a thing about, Rin would have been stood up and screaming right back in the dual-toned haired teen's face. He'd have been waving his arms around and unconsciously baring his fangs and fighting to keep his tail from lashing right out of his pants.
Now? Now he was too tired. He'd been working himself to the bone doing school assignments and cram school assignments and extra assignments to prepare himself and Shura's power controlling lessons. He'd had little to no time to sleep and that had been interrupted by his urges to cook and by vicious nightmares that tore at what little hope was left in his mind. If he got into an argument now, he'd let his flames out. Someone could get hurt. At the least, he'd terrify poor Konekomaru and Shiemi. At the most, someone would be hospitalized.
So he needed to bite back his instinctual urge to defend himself and fight back in this argument.
At the same time, though, he didn't want to worry Shura or maybe Yukio if he even cared. He knew that Shura at least would be worried if he didn't react in some way or another. He couldn't show his pain and worry the only person who probably cared for him. Though, after that little incident with the candles the other day, it was questionable whether she cared for him or not. Either way, he wasn't going to worry her unnecessarily.
So Rin put on one of his usual blinding (distracting) smiles and asked innocently, "I don't really remember doing that. Is there anything I can do to make up for it?"
His words sent Suguro off on another tirade of some sort or another, but Shura gave him a small, hesitant smile at his actions, so Rin figured his act work. Then again, he'd been hiding his pain, pulling his punches, for a long, long time.
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
Rin shook as he stared out at the battlefield. He might not have finished the exorcist exam and officially become the Order's weapon, but he was certainly filling the role unofficially quite well. As his exam grew closer, the Order started sending him out on little missions with only Shura as his handler and backup.
This mission had been worse than usual. There was a field of dead demons in front of him. They were all charred, blue flames licking over the edges of the ones that were still whimpering and twitching with pain. All he could see were dead. He did this. He killed every single one of them. He really was a monster. A weapon. Dangerous. Deadly. Monster. Freak. Demon.
A hand on his shoulder startled him. He whirled around and tripped over a large carcass at his feet, falling to the ground and crushing something that exploded in a cloud of black ash. Huge broken eyes with dark bags stared up at Shura. There was something immensely sad in her expression as she backed up a step or two with her hands raised to show that she wasn't carrying any weapons. When Rin started calming down, his heart slowing and his eyes going unfocused, she spoke, "We should head back to yer dorm. Yer gonna need a shower." He didn't really understand what she was saying. She let out a little huff – maybe a sigh, maybe something else – before she leaned over and gently got a hand behind Rin's back, slowly helping him to his feet, projecting all of her movements.
When she got him to his feet, he finally spoke, "They're all dead."
The look Shura gave him told him that she understood everything he meant with those words, but all she said was, "Ya did yer mission well. The Grigori should be happy."
Rin blinked big, sad eyes at her and whispered, "They're all dead because of me."
Shura grimaced, pushing lightly against his back to get him to move away. He didn't budge, staring back out over the field of dead again. These were demons breathing their last breaths. These were his kind. He was a demon and they were demons and he was killing them.
He'd killed demons before, but this was different. This was a slaughter. The demons didn't have a chance against his blue flames, especially after so long working on controlling them and increasing his fine motor control over them.
The demons hadn't even been threatening anyone. There weren't any villages nearby and no one had even reported the demon nest. It just so happened that an exorcist had come across the clearing and realized that they couldn't take on the horde of demons themselves. And then the Grigori had set their monster weapon – Rin – on the group of innocents that hadn't even had a chance to fight back before they were brought down with a slash of blue fire and sharp sword.
Shura sighed and grabbed her hoodie off from around her waist, settling it around Rin's shoulders and steering his suddenly limp body back towards the door they'd used to transport to the field. She gently smoothed her fingers through his hair and whispered reassuring words. None of them made it through. As she watched, the little bit of fire that had continued to light Rin's eyes slowly flickered and disappeared.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Rin didn't need to look in a mirror to know what his eyes looked like. He knew that they were that hated color of blue. He knew that they were broken and dark and sad. He knew that there was evil and hatred and danger hidden in those depths.
He didn't need to look in a mirror to know that what he was doing was the right thing to do. It was the best course of action. He was a demon. He couldn't be saved. No one could possibly understand. This was the only option.
He took a step forward and plunged off his lonely, lonely roof.
Author's Note: So, the warnings are: blood, suicidal ideology, suicide attempt, intense self-hatred. I currently plan on just leaving the fic like this, but if I get any reviews saying that you want a fix-it chapter, then I'll happily comply. Just let me know. And let me know what you think of the fic overall – I haven't written anything this angsty before. Thanks for reading!