AN: I don't own Star Wars or Super Mario Bros. This was written for the DeviantArt "Fanart Mashup" thing they're doing where you use a random generator to get a character and a scenario to draw or write. After spinning the generator a lot, I got "Han Solo in the Mushroom Kingdom cuddling," which set my imagination ablaze.
"Han Solo in the Mushroom Kingdom"
"Leia! Leia! LEIA!" Han kept screaming his wife's name only to get no answer. "Dammit Leia, where are you?"
Luke patted his brother-in-law on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Han. I'm sure we'll find her somewhere around here . . . wherever here is."
The here where they were was certainly one of the strangest places Han had ever seen. There were blocks floating around in the air and giant green pipes sticking out of the ground and the clouds looked like they had faces.
"Oh, thank goodness you've arrived!"
Both Luke and Han's eyes bulged at the sight of the strange little creature running up to them. He was wearing what looked like a round, white hat with red spots and Han thought he could swear the creature was wearing a diaper.
"Who the hell are you?" Han exclaimed.
Either the creature didn't hear him or was simply ignoring him. "The Super Mario brothers have arrived to save the princess!"
"What?" exclaimed Luke.
"Uh," said Han, "I think you've got us confused with someone else."
Still the creature seemed to be ignoring him. "Mario! You must venture to Bowser's castle to rescue the kidnapped princess!"
"Wait, she's been KIDNAPPED?" Luke shouted.
"Yes, Luigi," said the creature. "You and your brother must save her! Well, mostly your brother, since he usually does all the work."
Luke and Han just stared at the creature.
"Well what are you waiting for? Go save the princess! The fate of the Mushroom Kingdom lies in your hands!"
In a different situation, the brothers-in-law would have kept protesting about the creature's mistake, but with Leia having possibly been kidnapped, they didn't have time to keep arguing.
"Uh . . . okay," said Han, "so where's this Bowser person?"
"Travel through the Mushroom Kingdom to Bowser's castle," said the creature, pointing straight ahead. "Well, YOU should go there – Luigi can stay behind if he wants."
"No, no," Luke said quickly. "I'll go with my . . . brother."
"Then HURRY! The princess needs you!"
"Leia'd better appreciate this," Han grumbled.
. . .
"So Han, why do you think those mushroom-creature-things keep walking into the pits?" Luke asked. "And why are there so many pits in the first place?"
"Don't know, don't care," said Han. "I just wanna find Leia and get outta here."
"Fine," said Luke, gazing up at the many floating blocks, "but you've gotta be at least a bit curious about those blocks."
"Maybe, but like I said I wanna get outta here as quickly as possible."
"And why do some of them have question marks? It's like there's some hidden treasure in them."
Han glanced up at one of the blocks with sudden interest. "Treasure, huh? But how do you open 'em?"
"Hmm," said Luke, gazing up at the question mark block floating directly over Han's head. "Maybe you could try jumping up to break them with your head."
"Hey, it's worth a try. Maybe you'll get something that will help us find Leia."
"You're the Jedi – why don't you do it?"
"Because you're taller," said Luke. "Besides, a Force-jump might damage whatever's in there."
Han groaned. "Fine, but if I get a concussion it's your fault." He ground his teeth as he looked up at the block and squatted his knees to prepare the jump.
He jumped, and his head bashed against the block.
The next thing Han knew, he was sitting in a heap on the ground, his head throbbing with pain and the weird world spinning around him. "Dammit kid, why'd I let you talk me into that?"
Luke sank down to his knees and wrapped Han up into his arms, patting him on the head. "There there, it's okay, there there." He snuggled up against his brother-in-law. "Mmm, yes, it's all gonna be fine."
"Uh, kid? What're you doin'?"
"Hey, since I'm the brother who doesn't do anything, I should at least be able to comfort you."
Han took a deep breath, his head still throbbing. "Well what'd we get?"
"A COIN? I practically cracked my skull for a COIN?"
"Looks like it," Luke said as he caressed Han's head some more. "There, there."
. . .
"What's the flag for?" Luke asked as they gazed up at the brick steps that led to a green flag flapping in the breeze.
"I dunno," said Han, "but for some reason I feel like slidin' down it."
Before Luke could say anything else, Han was running up the steps. "This is gonna be fun!" he shouted as he reached the top. "Watch this, kid!" He leapt off the step and grabbed onto the pole, sliding down it and pulling down the green flag, replacing it with a red flag that had a giant M on it.
Luke grinned and shook his head as he walked around the steps. "So Han, did you have fun?"
Han could only sputter out two words. "ROPE BURN!"
. . .
Finally the two made it into the castle where they would hopefully find Leia. They weren't sure who this "Bowser" was, but they predicted that they would have to fight him.
What they didn't predict was that the castle would be full of lava pits, rotating arms of fire, and giant rocks with faces that periodically rammed into the floor as if they were trying to crush people.
"What the hell is THIS?" Han shouted.
"Uh . . . I guess we have to get through all this," said Luke.
"Who puts this stuff in a castle?" Han exclaimed. "Does this Bowser person wanna live on Mustafar or something?"
"I dunno," said Luke, "but we've gotta get through this for Leia!"
Han took a deep breath. "And how do we do that?"
"We run! And jump!"
. . .
Both Han and Luke were scorched and out of breath by the time they reached the throne room. "Okay," Han gasped, "so where's this Bowser person?"
Luke's eyes were bulged to their limits as he slowly pointed a shaking finger up. "There he is."
It turned out that Bowser wasn't a person at all . . . he was a giant fire-breathing reptile!
Both Han and Luke screamed.
"How are we supposed to fight this thing?" Luke shouted. "I don't even have my lightsaber!"
"Well, there's one thing we can do," said Han.
. . .
Somehow Han and Luke managed to get past Bowser – but not without getting scorched even more. They were both on their hands and knees and ready to collapse as they slowly, painfully crawled into the final room where Leia was supposed to be.
"All right," Han gasped out, "Leia, where are you?"
"Good job, Mario!"
Han looked up and there was the creature they had seen at the beginning of this insane mission. "Wait, how'd you get here?"
"And what do you mean 'good job Mario'?" Luke exclaimed. "I did just as much work as he did!"
"Nevermind that," said Han. "Where's Leia?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the creature, "but the princess is in another castle."
Luke caressed Han's head again, snuggling up to him. "There, there."