Lord Voldemort was performing his bi-annual check on his horcruxes. He was up to the cave that contained the locket of Salazar Slythetin and he shrieked girlishly as he climbed into the boat as his robes got caught on the rudder and he fell into the small watercraft. He yelled at Lucius Malfoy as the boat started to pull away magically - Lucius could only stand and shrug as the raging Dark Lord travelled further and further away from him into the haunted lake. Corpses in the water eyed Voldemort suspiciously as he glared back with his beady eyes and honked as a crab pinched his rancid toes.

He reached the island and climbed out carefully before falling unceremoniously into the water amidst a flurry of robes and honking - Lucius Malfoy had just called him to see if he was okay and the shock of his embarrassing ringtone had sent Voldemort cartwheeling backwards into the stinking bog water.

"Heeeeeeeeaaaah!" He shrieked as he floundered and became hopelessly entangled in his own robes. However he had activated the safeguarding spell and the disgusting dead bodies began to swarm him and jab him in the ribs with their rotting fingers. He yelled some more and flailed as Lucius's ringtone continued attracting all the corpses in a seven mile radius. Suddenly the evil honker emitted a yelp of pain and surprise as a rotting corpse came up behind him, bummed him a bit and then shoved its entire forearm up the Dark Lord's rectal chamber of secrets. He rhythmically honked as the appendage moved and tried to grab his kidneys via his anal passageway - Voldemort was being thrust this way and that by a whole horny swarm of dead people. He was like a puppet being swung around with someone's arm up his ass! A rotting and plague-infected arm!

The phone was still ringing and Voldemort began patting himself down trying to find it in the many hidden pockets of his robes. But tragedy once again struck the Dark Lord. The phone had been in his back pocket...which had been thrust up his anus by the corpse, along with a goodly portion of his robes. It was ringing in his butt! Suddenly the speakerphone activated and Lucius Malfoy's voice boomed from his violated anus,

"My Lord, are you alright?!" The vibrations of his voice against Voldemort's prostate felt horribly indecent...but also highly pleasurable. The Dark Lord honked in response to Lucius's question and allowed his servant to prattle on about trivial matters whilst the vibrations of his voice through the phone continuously stimulated Voldemort's shrivelled prostate. The corpse continued to pump it's arm in and out of the Dark Lord's pooper and managed to become permanently stuck by the elbow inside Voldemort's cavernous anus. All of this caused the noseless man to climax, spraying dong-juice all over the corpses who spontaneously erupted into a fiery mass as it hit their cursed bodies. Lucius had just given Voldemort an orgasm by way of a vibrating phone and a rotting anal-probing corpse! There was a snapping noise as the rapist corpse erupted into a napalmy mass, it's arm snapping off inside the Dark Lord's rectum. Squirming continued in his colon, leading him to become afraid that he had worms.

Suddenly Voldemort felt a rumbling in his guts. He looked down and saw a few splatters of poop on the floor beneath him; the water around him had already turned a dubious color brown. He slowly looked up in terror and shouted across the lake,

"HELP ME, LUCIUS!" He yelled in his 'Avada Kadavra' voice. But there was no time for his servant to reply as Voldemort's colon opened and jet-propelled him from the lake. He rode the stream of diarrhea up, up and through the roof of the cave. It was faster than any broomstick ride he had ever had. He honked as his skull went through the roof, showering Lucius in a flurry of boulders and crap. He whizzed across the black night sky with shit shooting out of him, jet-packing him across the nation. The corpse arm however was still lodged and Voldemort did not know if it's removal would even be possible. He would probably need to make it into a horcrux at some point just so that he could crap in peace again.

Meanwhile on the Hogwarts Express, Nigel was about to eat a liquorice wand. He looked out of the window just in time to see You-Know-Who streaking across the sky covered in his own shit and with a corpse arm wriggling out of his backside. He looked back at the liquorice wand and wondered if someone had spiked it with hallucinogenic worm juice again.

In the carriage where all the first years were sat there was an almighty commotion as one of the windows exploded inwards and Voldemort spewed out onto the floor in a tidal wave of diarrheal sludge. His robes had begun to dissolve in the acidic poop and so he was semi-naked with the corpse arm clearly on display as it waved at them from out of his butthole. The first years quickly gathered their belongings and left, closing the airlocked doors behind them. Through the windows they watched as Voldemort began to flounder and drown in his own bowelly mess. The sludge level rose...and rose...until it looked like the entire compartment would explode with the pressure of his bowel excretions. The honking was now garbled and high pitched as Voldemort fought valiantly for his life against the rising tide of poop. He managed to conjure Nagini who punctured one of the windows, sending a cascade of fecal matter over the side of the aqueduct they were travelling across. The suction of the crap pulled him out of the window and he grabbed Nagini by the tail to stop her dissolving in the crap-matter. His voice echoed off the cliffs as he fell naked into the Scottish wilderness."EH HEHE!" He howled as the shit-waterfall splashed down into the river below. He hit the water and then everything went black...

Voldemort slowly awoke on the bank of the river amidst the reeds. It was tranquil and had an unusual lack of shit; it was nice to see something so clean and untainted thought the Dark Lord. He decided that this would be his new start and he bathed away all the dirt of his past in the river. At least now his naked body was clean...albeit the corpse arm was still lodged inside his butt and was happily waggling around for all to see. He would just have to ignore it's existence, he decided. He was befriended by a passing goose which had been attracted by his honking. He could not get rid of the bird, no matter how hard he tried to power-walk away from it. It kept latching onto the corpse arm hanging out of his anus and thus Voldemort ended up dragging the animal around behind him whilst it chewed away at the rancid thing hanging out of his bone-white ass.

It was three days later when Voldemort felt the rumbling in his stomach begin again. He had been licking moss off of rocks in order to stay alive and he must have eaten something poisonous because he now had raging gastroenteritis. He looked down at the goose that was still attached to the corpse arm and suddenly felt incredibly concerned for its welfare... Before he could do anything he unexpectedly apparated due to the intense pain of the corpse clenching it's fist around his large intestine. He smoked through the sky yelling "NYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAGGGGH!" as he bounced off various buildings and then popped into existance in Snape's classroom; he landed naked, covered in poop and with a goose flapping madly around next to his startlingly shrivelled butt. Two cauldrons had also been knocked over and they bathed him in their contents.

"What is the meaning of this!?" Severus Snape said as he poked Voldemort with the stick he used to point at the blackboard. Voldemort emitted a low honk - which was imitated by the goose immediately - and Snape suddenly realised who he was poking with the stick. "My...my Lord?" He choked out as he gave a flamboyant bow worthy of an Elizabethan butler.

"Don't grovel Snape, help me up!" Said Voldemort urgently and Snape took one step forwards and knelt down gingerly to aid the Dark Lord.

"Thank-you Severus, I..." His face suddenly screwed up in pain and he yelped, "No! It...it's growing! Look at my crotch!" The corpse arm had begun to expand exponentially and he now felt like he had a fire hydrant rammed up his ass. The goose had also started to grow to a frightening size and it now loomed over Snape and honked angrily at him.

"My Lord...you knocked over the engorgement potion when you shat yourself through the window." Snape said as he prepared to kill the goose.

"NO! NO! Severus..." Voldemort said as he threw himself between Snape and the giant honker, "...you must not harm him! He's been a good friend to me and he even looked after me after I shat myself out of the Hogwarts Express..." Snape raised an eyebrow at this revelation but Voldemort continued on his heartfelt speech,

"My goose friend has been helping me to survive in this cruel, cruel world. He's also been helping me get this thing out of my asshole!" At this the Dark Lord bent over and showed the entire class the rancid corpse arm that was lodged up his bum. Hundreds of students died and others got toxic shock syndrome from the putrid mixture of vomit and Voldemort shit. Snape was horrified at the sight of the still squirming arm lodged in the Noseless One's rear end and so agreed to help.

"Stay in that position, my Lord." He commanded as he braced his foot against Voldemort's butt-cheek and grabbed the zombie arm. It was as if he was preparing to pull Excalibur from the stone. Without warning Snape heaved on the appendage and was met with hard resistance. The fist of the corpse was hopelessly entangled in Voldemort's intestines and was holding on for dear life. Voldemort honked loudly in pain as Snape pulled again, this time with the help of Nagini who had latched onto the arm and was pulling in rhythm with Severus.

The sudden loud honking of the goose startled Nagini and she coiled herself into a ball at great speed, wrenching the corpse arm loose from her master's colon; it flopped onto the floor alongside Voldemort's large intestine which has become detached in the struggle. The bung now removed from his anus, Voldemort felt a liquid surge of poop fly free out of his bowels at great and uncontrollable speed. He had no time to warn Snape...

A jet-wash of diarrhea hit Snape square in the chest, sending him flying across the room and coating him from head to toe in dysentry goop. He started moaning,

"Help me, my Lord...I am dying." He said matter-of-factly as Voldemort stood regally - naked and covered in sludge - and pushed his small intestine back up his anus with the help of the goose's beak.

"Thank-you Severus. I think I can return to my duties now." And with that he squelched out of the room and gave many people in Hogwarts PTSD when they saw him strolling around the corridors butt-naked and accompanied by a humongous honking goose. Snape lay in a pile of vomit, diarrhea, disembodied corpse goop and potion remnants. The hook-nosed man cried like a baby at the humiliation of it all and then the dysentry took hold and he shat himself into the pensieve.

As Voldemort left the grounds of Hogwarts, Lucius Malfoy called again to see if the Dark Lord had recovered from his encounter with the roof of the cave. The phone vibrated inside his asshole and Voldemort noisily climaxed again as his prostate was oscillated. This time he pooped out the phone and accidentally killed the goose in a tidal wave of PH level 1 acid shit.

Voldemort fell to his knees in the Forbidden Forest and wept for his honking friend. He was alone now, in the forest, surrounded by his bowelly emanations and dead hopes.

The end