20Disclaimer: Puella Magi Madoka Magica belongs to Gen Urobuchi, Shaft and Aniplex and is licensed by Madman Entertainment and Manga Entertainment. Cards Against Humanity belongs to Cards Against Humanity. Please support the official release.
Secondary Disclaimer: Warning. Cards Against Humanity contains cards such as "The biggest, blackest dick," "literally eating shit," "the Jews," and "coat-hanger abortions." If these or similarly black humor content offend you, this fanfic might not be for you.
"-Seven, eight, nine…. Aw, no."
"Yep, that's Boardwalk, Kyoko. You lose."
"No, not yet! I can still get out of this, I just need-"
Sayaka's groan cut off the redhead. "Uuuugh, c'mon! You've got fifty dollars and all your properties are mortgaged. Just admit defeat so we can move on already."
Kyoko glowered at the girl for a moment before turning back to the table and clicking her tongue. "Tch, fine. I'm done. Good job, I guess."
"Thank you Kyoko." Mami smiled, accepting her victory with grace before beginning to pack up the Monopoly board and all the pieces.
"You know," Homura said, gently shaking Madoka awake, "I didn't expect one board game to last for five hours."
"Seriously?" Sayaka gave the dark-haired girl an incredulous look. "Everybody that's played Monopoly knows that it takes for every."
"And I've never played it before." Homura replied. Her voice was as neutral as ever, but she gave Sayaka a look.
"Heh, oh, right." Sayaka at least had the tact to duck her head and look embarrassed. "Sorry."
"It's fine, Sayaka." Madoka said, taking a brief break to yawn. "Homura knows you didn't mean anything by it. Right, Homura?"
Homura continued to look at Sayaka for a moment before turning away. "Of course, Madoka." She said, flipping her hair as Sayaka breathed a sigh of relief.
"So Homura," Mami spoke up, "what's next? You're in charge of this little "Getting to Know Each Other" party."
Homura nodded and reached beneath the table. There was a rustling of plastic as she pulled the next game from the shopping bag. Setting it on the table, she revealed a large, black box with nothing but the words "Cards Against Humanity" printed in white on top.
"Cards Against Humanity, huh? Never heard of that." Kyoko said and the others nodded in agreement.
"Neither have I," Homura replied, "but the clerk strongly recommended it when I asked for games that help you get to know people."
"Well, that sounds good. Shall we get started?" Mami asked.
Homura pulled the lid off the box, revealing a very large deck of white cards and a smaller deck of black cards, as well as an instruction pamphlet. Homura picked it up and began to read, while Sayaka and Kyoko both picked up a deck and began to shuffle.
"It says here that everybody gets ten white cards and one player is picked as the Card Czar. The Card Czar reveals a black card, which will be a question or a fill in the blank, and reads it out loud. Then everybody but the Card Czar plays a white card, making sure that the Card Czar doesn't know who played which card. The Card Czar then reads all the white cards and picks the one they think is the funniest answer. The person who played the winning card gets to keep the black card as an "Awesome Point" and whomever has the most points at the end of the game, wins. There's no set amount of rounds, so we just play until we don't want to anymore."
Homura looked up from the instructions to find that the white cards had already been dealt. She saw everybody start to pick up their hands and read their cards, before looking back at the pamphlet. "Hold on, there's a warning here…"
Homura never got to read the warning, as at that moment, Mami spat out a mouthful of tea. Looking up again in surprise, Homura saw that besides Mami trying to recover from her spit take, Madoka's face was as pink as her hair and Sayaka had a look somewhere between disgust and fascination on her face. Kyoko's reaction to her cards was the mildest, simply smirking at the others.
"Let me guess," Kyoko said, "the warning says something about inappropriate and highly offensive content, doesn't it."
"Yes." Homura deadpanned. "It also says that the winner will earn the title of "Most Horrible Human Being. I guess that explains why the store clerk was laughing so hard when I agreed to buy it."
"Awesome!" Kyoko's smirk broke into a grin. "Let's get started."
"What?!" Sayaka shouted in protest. "Nuh-uh, no way. We are not playing this. It's disgusting!"
"Aw, what's the matter? Is poor, sheltered Sayaka too good for a little black humor?" Kyoko taunted.
"I am not-"
"Sayaka the chicken! That's what you are." Kyoko said, before starting to make disparaging chicken sounds.
Sayaka's cheeks turned red and she slammed her hands down onto the table. "Fine! You want to play? We'll play. But don't come crying to me when you lose!"
"Sure, sure." Kyoko said with a laugh. "Miss Goodie-Two-Shoes, winning 'Most Horrible Human Being'. That'll happen, yeah right."
"If everybody else wants to play, I'll join in." Mami said, despite the doubt that she was fighting to keep from showing.
Homura nodded, although in reality there was only one person whose vote counted in her mind. Turning to Madoka, she asked, "What about you Madoka? Do you want to play?"
Madoka looked at her cards, looked around the table at her friends, looked at her cards again before finally looking at Homura and speaking shakily. "Ummmm, sure. I m-mean, just one r-round would be fine, right? We each get a turn at Card Czar?"
"Aw c'mon, just one round? But-" Kyoko began to complain before Mami raised a hand to stop her.
"We'll each take a turn as Card Czar and then we can see if we want to keep playing. Does that sound good to everyone?" There were reluctant nods around the table, although for different reasons. "Good. Homura, it's your game. Would you like to be Card Czar first?"
"Fine." Homura took the top card from the black deck and turned it over so everybody could see. "Here at the Academy for Gifted Children, we allow students to explore blank at their own pace."
"So… we play what we think that you would think would be the funniest answer, right?" Sayaka asked for clarification. Homura nodded and Sayaka played her card face down.
"Homura, close your eyes." Madoka reminded her friend.
Homura blinked. "But I can just shuffle the cards after everybody's played one."
Madoka looked at Homura with eyes wide and hands closed together. "Just do it? Please?"
Homura closed her eyes.
After a few seconds, everybody had played their cards and Homura opened her eyes to see a small pile of four white cards in front of her. Picking the pile up, she flipped over the first card and placed it on the table. "Here at the Academy for Gifted Children, we allow students to explore letting everyone down at their own pace."
"Awwww…" Madoka made a sound of disappointment, making Homura frown.
Turning over the next card, Homura read, "Here at the Academy for Gifted Children, we allow students to explore selling crack to children at their own pace."
There were a few horrified giggles around the table before Mami frowned in confusion. "Wait, so are the children selling crack to other children?"
"If you get them hooked on selling drugs early, you get 'em hooked for life." Kyoko said with a smirk.
Mami covered her mouth with both hands, trying to hide her tittering laughter. "K-Kyoko, that's, snrk, that's horrible."
Shaking her head in bemusement, Homura flipped over the next card. "Here at the Academy for Gifted Children, we allow students to explore completely unwarranted confidence at their own pace."
Kyoko snorted. "Hah, that one's actually true. I'd like to see some pampered-ass "gifted" kid survive on the streets."
Homura shrugged before showing the last white card. "Here at the Academy for Gifted Students, we allow students to explore puberty at their own pace."
"That's… nice? I guess?" Sayaka said and everybody awkwardly agreed with her.
Having read all the cards, Homura spread her options out before her and started to think about which should win. Or rather, she started to puzzle out which card was Madoka's. Selling crack to children was right out and letting everyone down was too depressing. So that left puberty and completely unwarranted confidence and since Homura's mind refused to correlate anything remotely sexual with pure, innocent Madoka…
"Completely unwarranted confidence wins."
"Oh, wonderful." Mami said, surprising Homura. "I played that card."
"Oh, great. Another thing that Mami get's to be best at." Kyoko snarked while rolling her eyes.
"Hey, relax." Sayaka replied flippantly. "So she's got an early lead. You know that that'll get her?"
"No, what?"
Sayaka grinned evilly. "Completely unwarranted confidence."
While Mami blushed at the teasing the redhead and bluenette were sending her way, Madoka was looking at Homura with concern. As soon as she had heard that Mami was the one to play "Completely unwarranted confidence," she had frozen up, just staring into the middle distance like she was in some sort of trance, looking even paler than usual. Madoka tried softly calling her name but that didn't get a reaction.
Next she tried gently poking Homura in the arm. "Homura, are you okay?"
Thankfully, that seemed to break Homura out of the trance or whatever she was experiencing. Jumping out of her seat a little, she looked furtively around the room, staring a bit too long at Mami, before relaxing. "I'm fine Madoka, thank you. Mami, here's your black card. Who wants to be Card Czar next?"
"How about we just go 'round the table?" Kyoko suggested, "Less chance of mucking up the order that way, right?"
Everybody nodded, so Homura passed the black deck to her left to Madoka.
"Don't forget to refill your hands everybody." Mami reminded them. "We're always supposed to have ten cards, right Homura?"
"Right. Sorry, I forgot to mention that."
"It's not a problem, Homura." Madoka said, patting Homura on the arm before drawing a new black card from the deck. "Why am I sticky?"
Homura immediately began to choke.
While Madoka and Mami both did their best to make sure Homura was okay, Sayaka and Kyoko leaned close to each other and had a whispered conversation.
"So, that black cards basically asking for it, right? I mean, I've got some really hilarious cards but with Pinky reading them…"
Sayaka nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Plus, I think if any of us play anything that could be interpreted as flirting with Madoka, Homura might kill us. Better to just play it safe for now."
Coming to an agreement, Sayaka and Kyoko separated just as Homura caught her breath. They played their cards as Madoka covered her eyes and soon there was another pile of plastic in front of the Card Czar.
With everything ready to play, Madoka flipped the first card over. "Why am I sticky? Mooing." After a moment's thought, Madoka nodded. "Yeah, I guess milking a cow would get me pretty sticky."
"Actually," Kyoko drawled, "I think they were calling you a cow."
Everything on the table jumped when Homura slammed her hands down as she leapt up in rage. "I DID NOT!" After a moment, she remembered herself and sat back down. "I mean… that's not my card?"
Nobody said anything.
"Okay, fine. I didn't have anything good to play."
Madoka gave Homura a reassuring smile, telling her that it was all right. Then she reached for the next card. "Why am I sticky? Wearing an octopus for a hat. Ah, that's so silly."
At the sound of Madoka's light giggles, Homura frowned. "Madoka, please don't actually wear an octopus as a hat. That would be dangerous."
Even Madoka rolled her eyes that time. "I know that, Homura." Shaking her head at her friend's overprotective nature, Madoka read the next card. "Why am I sticky? The Land of Chocolate." Her eyes lit up and a little bit of drool escaped from the corner of her mouth. "That sounds amazing!"
"Yeah… we got a winner." Sayaka smiled fondly at her friend. "Hey Madoka, want to read the last card so we can move on?"
"Huh?" Madoka blinked and blushed. "Oh, uh, right! Why am I sticky? Ghosts. Um, what?"
Now it was Sayaka's turn to blush. "Look, ghosts leave ectoplasm or something, right? So I thought… You know what, never mind."
"Wehihi." Madoka giggled at Sayaka before pointing to the Land of Chocolate card. "This one wins. Who played it?"
"That would be me." Mami claimed the card.
Kyoko and Sayaka shared a look. "So, should we be nervous yet?"
"Maybe?"
"Sayaka." Homura said, getting the bluenette's attention. "It's your turn to be Card Czar."
"Right, okay." Sayaka whispered out a quick prayer. "Please don't be anything too embarrassing." She turned over a card and let out a groan. Only a small one though. "Well, I guess it's not as bad as it could be. Ahem, why can't I sleep at night?"
Just like the last two times, it didn't take long for everybody to select their cards, allowing Sayaka to get to read them quickly. "Alright, hopefully these won't be too bad. Why can't I sleep at night? It's because of inappropriate yodeling. Makes sense, I guess."
"Not exactly funny though, is it." Kyoko pointed out.
"True." Sayaka was forced to agree. "Next card then. Why can't I sleep at night? It's because of a piñata full of scorpions. Yeah, no."
"What? C'mon, that would totally keep you up at night!" Kyoko complained.
"Not if they stay inside of the piñata." Sayaka explained. Then she shrugged. "Besides, it's not that funny either. Just sounds painful."
Kyoko threw her arms up in protest. "Of course it sounds painful! That's why it's funny!"
"Mmmnope!" Sayaka said, smirking at the rage on Kyoko's face. "Next card! Why can't I sleep at night? It's because of a spontaneous conga line."
"That's rather similar to the inappropriate yodeling card, isn't it?" Mami said, before taking a sip of her tea.
"Yeah. Makes perfect sense, but not very funny." Sayaka sighed and turned over the last card. "Okay, hopefully this one makes me laugh. Why can't I sleep at night? It's because of saxophone solos."
A twinkle of mischief lit up in Madoka's eyes. "Hm, you'd probably prefer violin solos to saxophone solos, right Sayaka?"
"Yep." Sayaka responded automatically, before realizing what exactly Madoka was implying and blushing horribly. "I-I-I mean… Madoka, I told you! It's not like that! Kyousuke and I are just friends, got it? Just friends!"
Homura rolled her eyes while Madoka giggled innocently and Kyoko smiled like cat that just spotted a mouse. It was Mami's expression that scared Sayaka the most, however. It was a look that Sayaka had seen on her mother's face too many times. It was the look of a woman who's just caught the scent of gossip.
Hoping to save herself from that horrible fate, Sayaka held up the black card and declared the winner in a panic. "Saxophone solos! Who played that? They win!"
Mami plucked the card from her fingers, to the shock of Sayaka. "Why thank you, Sayaka. I believe that brings my score up to three."
"Way to go, Swords-for-Brains!" Kyoko berated the girl beside her. "You just had to give her another point, didn't you."
Sayaka growled at her rival and shoved the black deck towards her. "Here, you do better then. You're Card Czar now."
"Fine, I will!" Kyoko angrily drew a new black card but took a moment before reading it. "Oh, and enough of this pussyfooting around shit. We're trying to be the most horrible person, people! Do your worst."
Homura raised an incredulous eyebrow. "You do realize that you are literally asking for it, right?"
"Like I said: Do. Your. Worst." And with that, Kyoko flipped the black card over. "In a pinch, blank can be a suitable substitute for blank."
"We need to play two at once? How are we going to do this?" Sayaka asked.
It was Mami that came up with a solution. "It seems simple enough to me. We, or rather, the three of you already closed your eyes when the others were playing their cards. Kyoko simply needs to close her eyes and we place our cards in separate piles in random places in front of her."
Kyoko nodded along. "Alright, sounds good. Oh, but which card will I be reading first, the one top, or the one on the table?"
"The one on top first?" Madoka suggested and since nobody had any problems with that, that's what they went with.
With that out of the way, Kyoko closed her eyes and waited…
And waited…
And waited…
Finally, she lost her patience. "You guys done yet or what?"
"Sorry, sorry." Mami quickly apologized. "I was just trying to decide on the perfect combination. There you go."
Kyoko finally opened her eyes and glanced towards Mami. "And?"
"I don't think I got it quite right." Mami said with disappointment, giving Sayaka and Kyoko some hope.
Rubbing her hands together, Kyoko looked over the cards in front of her and reached for the closest pair. "Alright, hope this is good. In a pinch, that ass can be used as a suitable substitute for a vagina that leads to another dimension."
"That sounds like a bit of a downgrade." Sayaka said, feeling dubious.
"Yeah." Kyoko waited until Mami was taking a sip from her teacup. "With all that inter-dimensional travel, you really need to be careful about anal tearing."
Just as Kyoko had planed, Mami choked, sending her tea down the wrong pipe and driving her into a coughing fit. Kyoko began to howl with laughter until she caught site of Madoka pouting at her.
"Mou, that was pretty mean, Kyoko."
Suddenly feeling guilty, Kyoko scratched at the back of her neck awkwardly. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry 'bout that, Mami."
"It… it's not an issue, Kyoko." Mami said as she regained her composure. "The point of the game is, well, to push the boundaries of decency after all."
"Soooo… no hard feelings?" Kyoko asked with a hopeful smile.
"Of course." Mami returned a smile of her own. Then she gave her teacup a suspicious look. "Although, maybe I should let the tea be for awhile…"
Kyoko just shrugged. "Your choice. Anyway, back to the game. In a pinch, sanding off a man's nose can be used instead of my sex life. Wha-what the fuck?" Kyoko asked between laughs.
"That… raises some questions." Homura said.
"Please don't answer them." Madoka followed up, a look of horror in her eyes.
It took a minute for Kyoko to stop laughing and once she did, she didn't stop smiling. "Oh man. I am so happy that I told you guys to stop holding back. Let's see what's next! In a pinch, my balls on your face, blah blah, firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog." Kyoko paused for a moment, an angry sneer on her face. "Okay, leaving aside the fact that I don't have balls, how the hell are those remotely related."
"You mean other than the fact that you're a pig?" Sayaka giggled.
Kyoko's expression turned down right murderous as she stood up. "Think you're funny, bitch? I know where you sleep and I've got a big spear with your name on it!"
Sayaka stood up as well, knocking her forehead against the other girl's. "Bring it!"
"Ah! Please don't fight!" Madoka cried out. She stood up as well and probably would have tried to pull the two hotheaded girls apart if Homura hadn't gently grabbed her wrist.
"Madoka, relax. They're not fighting."
"They're not?"
"We're not?"
Homura shook her head. The barest hints of a wry smile danced at the edges of her lips. "Of course not. They're flirting. Kyoko just offered to penetrate Sayaka with her long, hard pole in Sayaka's bed and Sayaka agreed. Besides, they're about five millimeters away from kissing."
Both Sayaka and Kyoko leapt backwards and began to protest simultaneously.
"What? No, I'm not gay and even if I was- Hey! Stop copying me! No, you stop copying me! Quit it! Listen here you-"
"Kyoko." Mami's calm but strong voice cut through the symmetrical argument like butter. "Would you kindly return to the game please?"
"I… Yeah, sure Mami." Kyoko sighed in defeat, although she and Sayaka shared one last hostile glare before she sat down.
"Good. Remember, we're all friends here." Mami said kindly. Then her eyes twinkled. "Besides, the sooner you read the last cards, the sooner I can get my point."
Kyoko's eyes widened and she pointed an accusatory finger at the elegant sempai. "I knew it! You do play to win! All that bullshit about 'just wanting to enjoy a good game with friends'… it was total bullshit!"
"I'm sure that I have no idea what you're talking about." Mami said with a smile. "Now please, read the last pair of cards."
Grumbling under her breath, Kyoko grabbed the last set of white cards and turned them over. "All right, let's see here. In a pinch, dead babies can be used as a suitable substitute for cute boys."
While Kyoko laughed and Madoka got a comforting backrub from Homura, Sayaka rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, cause I can totally bring a dead baby home to meet my parents."
Homura looked up from comforting Madoka. "True, but can it play the violin, that's the real question."
Sayaka gasped from the betrayal. "Transfer Student, not you too."
Letting out one last bark of laughter, Kyoko decided on a winner. "Yep, that's probably the most horrible of the bunch. Who played it?"
Homura raised her hand and Madoka gasped. "Homura, how could you?"
"Honestly, I have the same amount of sexual interest in both." Homura pause, before adding, "that is to say, none at all," after she realized how bad that could have sounded.
"Wait, so you're a lesbian?" Sayaka asked and Homura nodded. "You know, if the entire point of this get together is to learn about each other, you might want to lead with that one next time."
"Why?" Homura asked plainly. "Its not like you felt the need to inform me that you were straight."
Sayaka raised a finger, but paused and lowered it a moment later. "Yeah, fair point."
"As interesting as that fact is, can we get on with the game?" Kyoko asked, pulling everyone's attention back to the table. "Homura, here's your card, and Mami, here's the black deck. Have fun being Card Czar."
"I intend to, thank you." Mami accepted the deck gracefully, as per usual. After waiting a moment to make sure everybody restocked their cards, she drew the last black card of the round. "Coming to Broadway this season, blank: The Musical."
All four girls playing this time had a hard time finding their card to play, but Kyoko was still struggling even after all the rest had made their decision. "Grrr, I've got nothing good!" Finally she made her choice and slapped a card down before leaning back and crossing her arms.
With all the cards in place, Mami gave them a quick shuffle before getting to the first one. "Coming to Broadway this season, A Lifetime of Sadness: The Musical."
"Sounds… sad."
"Nooooo, it sounds like a real riot." Kyoko rolled her eyes at Homura.
Homura rolled her eyes right back and Homura did it better. "Well, what else am I supposed to say?"
"I actually agree with Homura." Mami said, surprising the others. "That sounds just a bit too sad for a big Broadway production. Maybe Off-Broadway?" The other girls just looked at her blankly. "No? Honestly, you girls could use a bit of culture in your lives. Anyway, moving on. Coming to Broadway this season, Rudolph's Bright Red Balls: The Musical."
"Oh please no." Sayaka begged desperately. "That stupid song is annoying enough as it is."
"Oh, I don't know. Personally, I think a bit of sleaze would be the perfect thing to spice up some dull Christmas carols." Kyoko said with a chuckle.
"While I think we're moving in the right direction, I don't think that would get past the censors." Mami said in good humor. "Let's keep trying, shall we? Coming to Broadway this season, Vigorous Jazz Hand: The Musical. Oh, that's actually quiet good. It's like pure Broadway, distilled into one action."
"If you say so." Sayaka said with a shrug. "Personally, I don't think I could sit through however long of jazz hands and nothing else."
"I'm sure they'd fit a plot in there somewhere Sayaka." Madoka assured her.
"Yes, and I think that it would be humorous to watch." Mami picked up the final card of the round. "Moving on to the final option, coming to Broadway this season, The Pope: The Musical. Ah… hm…"
Kyoko cupped her face in her hands and groaned. "I told you I didn't have anything good."
"You did fine Kyoko." Mami said, patting her old friend on the back. "After all, some of the best music in the world has been made in dedication to God. Still, I think I have to go with Vigorous jazz hands. It really is the perfect fit."
"That would be mine." Homura claimed without fan fare. "So, does anyone want to stop?"
Kyoko shook her head "Hell no. We've only had one fight break out and that one barely counts. We have to keep going."
"Same." Sayaka spoke out. "Besides, if we quit now, Mami wins and I refuse to let her win another game."
Mami nodded. "I'm willing to continue."
Once again, Homura received the most important opinion last. To her surprise, Madoka actually wanted to keep going. "I'm having fun. I mean, it's a little weird and… gross but so long as everybody's having fun, I'm enjoying it."
Despite not expecting it, Homura accepted Madoka's decision. "Well alright then. Let's keep going."
Hey guys, what's up? I'm RexHeller and this is Cards Against Meguca. Several years ago now I wrote Cards Against Remnant, a fic where the cast of RWBY played Cards Against Humanity. It was really successful, if I do say so myself, and I enjoyed writing. Now I'm older, wiser and a more experienced writer, so I'm doing it again, only this time the players are the five girls from Madoka Magica playing a game. I hope that you enjoy and laugh your ass of.
Here's the current scoreboard.
Homura: 2
Madoka: 0
Sayaka: 0
Kyoko: 0
Mami: 3
Reviews are nice.
-RexHeller