I was listening to a song and scrolling through pictures and couldn't help but write this. It's sad, you guys. Be prepared.
20,000 seconds since you've left and I'm still counting
And 20,000 reasons to get up,
get something done, but I'm still waiting
I haven't left my apartment in six days. I only answer the door when I know the delivery man is coming, I took my mother's key so she can't come in and I most definitely won't let Frost or Korsak come in. The battery of my phone died days ago, but I couldn't care less.
You left Boston with Ian seven days ago, you've moved to Ethiopia with him to do volunteer work for an undecided period of time. He asked you to come, I said I would be happy for you, and you decided to go. You're in love with him, Maura, and I don't blame you for that.
After all I'm just a blue collar detective and I should have known better. First of all, there's no way you would ever love me like I love you. I hate myself for not telling you this before, but I'm in love with you. Really, head over heels in love with you. Secondly, I've somehow always known you wouldn't stay in Boston. You've never quite liked it here, despite the fact that you felt at home with me and my family. You never truly settled here, the need to travel and help others was always there.
I'm not worried that you won't like it there, or that you won't have enough money. You're an Isles, you've got enough money to do whatever you want. You will probably have an amazing time there, helping the living instead of the dead. You'll find it scary at first, but you'll learn so many new things, Maura.
Still I can't help but miss you.
God, it's just like heartbreak. Your smell is still on some of the towels I haven't yet washed. Some of your clothes are still in your drawer, that's actually mine, but became yours over the years. The sheets of my bed feel soft underneath my fingers, after having washed them with that soft, vanilla-like washing powder that you recommended.
I wish I could call you, but you deliberately got rid of your cellphone before leaving. Not to shut everyone out and never contact anyone again, but simply because you wanted to enjoy every single moment of your time. They have some phones there, so if you would ever want to call someone, you could. But you haven't called yet.
I pick up the picture of us that's still standing on my nightstand, but I have to blink away the tears that well up in my eyes before I can actually look at it. My mother took this picture on the first day of Christmas, when it had snowed at night and I dragged you outside only to throw you face first into the snow. We've never laughed harder than that day, and I can still see the sparkles in your eyes when I look at that picture. Both of our cheeks are red, just like the tip of your nose. We stayed outside until my hands started to hurt, and when we got inside you held them for a really long time. I still think about that day.
How colors can change and even the texture of the rain
And what's that ugly little stain on the bathroom floor
I'd rather not deal with that right now
How do you do it, Maura? How could you just leave like nothing ever happened between us? Sometimes I catch myself speaking out loud to you, as if you're there. I have to be careful that no one hears me, because I'm sure Korsak would send me straight to some shrink who would make me talk about you.
"I wanted to go to our place in the park where we looked at the sunset if the day had been long, but I just couldn't do it. Not without you," I say, looking at the street lights outside. I haven't closed my curtains yet, I'm looking at a really bright moon. Like the cliche says, I hope you're looking at it too, only on the other side of the world. If you were here right now, you would tell me that you're in a completely different time zone and that it doesn't make sense what I'm saying.
But you're not here.
Do you remember that night when I had a really bad nightmare and you were staying over? I almost hit you when you woke me up. All these years filled with nightmares, and no one has been able to comfort me the way you do. Just being near you already helped. You didn't push me to talk about it, you were just there. Now what am I going to do, Maura? I can't seem to control my breathing when you're not here. Remember when I used to call you when you weren't here and I had a nightmare? At first I felt so guilty about it, but in the end I realized I needed you. You said it didn't matter whether it was 2AM or 5AM, if I needed you you'd be there. And you were.
I was looking through my drawers yesterday, trying to find that bucket list we made months ago. It was filled with stupid things like wanting to go on a hot air balloon ride, or go zip lining. We wrote down some serious things as well, like going on a trip to San Francisco and snowboarding in the Alps. I really thought we would be together long enough to do that. I thought that when I would find it I would rip it into pieces, but your neat handwriting made me cry and I decided to not do it.
I get up and close the curtains, not wanting to see that stupid moon for another second. The switch of the night light next to the bed makes a soft sound when I flip it, before I push back the covers and get in bed without undressing or changing. Are you sharing a bed with him? The thought of it alone makes me jealous. Being jealous makes me feel guilty, and that makes me feel sad. It's an endless cycle of emotions that I can't seem to break, no matter what I do.
Perhaps you'll come back, but I don't know when. If you're having the best time of your life there, I want you to stay. And I will try my hardest to sound honest when I'm saying that through the telephone. I'll try not to break down when giving you permission to stay away from me for the rest of your life. After all, I haven't made your life that much better. Sure, I've taught you things about social situations, and I've always loved you. But a genius like you couldn't ever be with someone like me.
"I hope you're happy there, Maura. I hope you can at least come back home for Christmas or New Year's, so I don't have to wish you happy holidays through a cell phone. I hate talking to you on the phone, I can't see your face when we communicate that way. And you know I can read you better than anyone else," My voice cracks, and I have to swallow twice to get rid of the lump in my throat.
How is it possible to miss someone this much?
No Maura, I will never tell you any of this. Although you're still my best friend (I will forever introduce you that way), I don't want you to know about the thoughts that are constantly on my mind. You don't want to know how I really feel about you leaving. You don't want to know that I either can't sleep at all, or sleep for an entire day. You don't want to know that all I've been eating is pizza and some dry slices of bread, simply because I don't bother making something healthy because you're not there to tell me. I don't want you to know all of these things.
Just like always, I will tell my Ma that I'm okay. I will put on my usual mask in front of Korsak and Frost, not wanting those looks of pity directed at me when I can't seem to focus on my work. I haven't been back yet, but I can already imagine the looks everyone will be giving me.
Oh look, it's Rizzoli. Wonder what she's doing now dr. Isles has left.
Have you seen the bags under her eyes? Must be because she's missing her supposedly best friend so much.
I can't do that, Maura. So I will put on that mask to hide the pain I feel when I arrive at work, only to realize that I won't be seeing you around anymore. I can't just quit my job, because it's who I am. It's how I function. But the thought of not going down to the morgue, simply to check up on you, saddens me even more.
Normally, I'm not an emotional person. I have emotions, just like anybody else, but I just don't show them. Showing emotions makes you weak, that's something I learned when I was in high school. I used to be called names (yes, the strong brunette who helped you gain confidence and stand up for yourself, was bullied in high school), and I found out that crying made it even worse. So I'm not crying anymore. I won't allow myself to appear weak.
I must have fallen asleep, because now it's the sun that's shining through the curtains when I open my eyes. I wonder what woke me up, because I didn't set an alarm, but when I hear someone pounding on the door I have found the cause.
"Janie, open up," it's Frankie.
What day is it actually?
"I'm not leaving until you open this door. It's been a week since anyone saw you, I just want to make sure you're okay. I didn't bring Ma."
"Yeah, I'm coming!" I shout before opening my bedroom door. My voice sounds hoarse, I haven't spoken to anyone but myself in days.
When I have finally found my keys that open my front door, I stop to take a deep breath before opening the door. I'm met by a look of concern from my little brother, who hasn't seen or heard from me in days. He has the same deep brown eyes, and it's just as if they look right through you.
He lets himself in without so much as saying a word and closes the door behind him. He walks towards the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, looking for anything somewhat healthy to drink. All he finds is about seventeen half empty beer bottles, which makes him turn around and look at me.
"What were you thinking, Jane?" his tone is accusing, something I'm not used to hearing from him.
"What selfish thoughts were going through your head when you decided to not talk to anyone for a week, and almost drinking yourself to death judging by the amount of beer bottles that are scattered all around the place. What were you thinking? You're not the only one who misses her."
I drop my gaze to the floor, not wanting to look into his eyes for another second. I struggle to find an answer, simply because I don't have one. It just seemed like the most logical, if not only thing to do. He notices that I'm struggling, and walks towards the spot where I'm standing before stopping right in front of me. He says my name again, but it sounds strange to hear my name from someone who's not Maura. It's as if everything has come crashing down again, and I don't know what to do.
"Frankie," is all I can say before the lump in my throat makes it impossible to continue.
"I know, Janie. I know," is all he says before he pulls me in for a hug, not saying anything else. He understands.
And doesn't let go.
And we're all so strong when nothing's wrong
And the world is at our feet
But how small we are when our love is far away
And all you need is you
The prompt was: do you ever see a picture of you with someone that you used to be so close to and you just remember everything you did together and all the things you said you would do together, all the late night conversations or phone calls and remember all the good things and bad things both of you have been through together but then you remember that they're now just a memory and they're not in your life anymore?
The song is 20.000 Seconds by K's Choice. Let me know what you think, I might delete this fic later because I don't know how I feel about it.