MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!
One, two, three, four! Yo, welcome to Toronto, land of mystery:
It's not the York you've sung about, and one far cry from Tennessee!
I'm rated "A" for "Awesome"; I'd rate you about a five-point-two:
"Too many teardrops from your whining", says my IGN review.
I feel I've loathed you for a thousand years; call me your biggest hater,
And the frigid words I spit: the bitterest Cornetto flavor!
Yeah, I've heard your fans: the kids all claiming you're the next Madonna,
But I've seen your latest vids, and girl, you're snorting marijuana!
You're a Naga, looking like the spawn of some LaVeyan coven;
Sampled "I'm Too Sexy", yet won't even show your belly button!
Your love life is a Catastrophe; you've got some major baggage,
'Cause you're not well in the head: the brain inside is surely damaged!
Mere band-aids won't fix the holes I'll leave as I tear you asunder,
Swiftly putting your whole "Gorgeous" Reputation six feet under!
Hitting hard as solid Mithril, I was born with rap-proficiency;
Insulting you's like garlic bread: I could go at it endlessly!
You're on the track with a goddess; better show some respect.
They say Sparks Fly whenever I'm upset…
This is my M.E.R.B. monologue, where I'll be speaking bluntly:
My sharp lyrics cutting deep like Knives, I'll fell your freaking Plumtree!
Well, I'm going after you for hella more than just a buck, man,
And keep your useless gaming trivia; I don't give a Puck, Man!
You hit it big with hipsters; all the lonely Starbucks-lovers,
But your movie Sex Bob-ombed, with Super-bad box office numbers!
Ask a certain other Scot whose talent everybody came here for;
Taking full ownership of this sick beat, I'm striking major chords!
You'd best know you're in trouble when I dubstep on the stage:
Inducing Infinite Sadness, I'll lock this rat up in a cage!
You're no true man, Scott; you're a rotten Apple: one I protest openly.
Attack me all you want; the drama only fuels my poetry!
Your Precious Little Life story looks set for a tragic turn,
Because to me, the whole damn thing's just six lame picture-books to burn!
Roasting this prick was Red-hot fire on my part; I keep the pressure,
Making sure that you can never, ever get it back together… like, ever!
Listen, I'mma let you finish, but your flowing ain't the best!
Besides, I can't shake off the feeling me and you might still have sex,
So let's forget our feuding; say we got amnesia,
And Begin Again at Blank Spaces just like your social media!
Wanna get with me now, Frankenstein? Being dead's where you belong,
'Cause you're a bigger Loser than the Scientologist who wrote your songs!
The Grammys, Billboard and the Guinness books attest: I'm making history;
An artful Amazon who's dissing you with prime delivery!
I didn't come here to hold my peace, and thus, I'm speaking now:
It's time to make a Scottaholic out of you, and freaking how!
My last verse on this song'll be a killer: audience, beware,
And there's no way that you'll be Ready For It, Tay; you're unprepared!
I'm a high-flying Rickenbacker ace like Eddie on the bass;
You're the female Henry the Eighth, faced with my Pilgrimage of Grace!
This Romeo is throwing more than pebbles at you, Juliet,
'Cause I'm in lesbians with you, and it's our story; just say yes!
Your ego can't get in the way of how I spit this sick shit madly,
So consider me the second Scott you're gonna call your daddy!
The old Taylor'd never yield to that two-by-four-bit display,
But since she can't come to the mic now, I guess it's your lucky day…
Scott Pilgrim: This truly is my Finest Hour; wait until I tell the fellas:
Natalie will Envy me, and even Wallace may be jealous…
Wallace Wells: Well, I know inclusion of my interjection here's imperative,
But I'd like very much to be excluded from this narrative.
Scott Pilgrim: …Whatever, then! Now, let's make love; I'll tap your weakest point!
Taylor Swift: Oh, not so fast; you aren't Out of the Woods, but at their deepest point:
You see, this ain't a fairy tale, and like a different-colored "Horse",
All those who'd play with me should know the terms of what they're falling for!
Scott Pilgrim: I'm sorry, babe; please come again? Some weirdo just shot me a text.
It says: "Be warned: you're getting Jacked, so Gong Yi Tanpai, to the death!"
Yo, uh, huh…
Shen Gong Wu ain't nothing to fuck with!
Shen Gong Wu ain't nothing to fuck with!
SHEN GONG WU AIN'T NOTHING TO FUCK WITH!
A new power has revealed itself: my own, as it so happens;
Let me give a demonstration, not on paper, but through actions!
Jimmy Neutron can go suck it; this Boy Genius is a baller:
Changing Chopsticks couldn't make your chance against me any smaller!
You're in deep; somebody ought to call up your big little sister,
For I'm colder to a Pilgrim than a 1620 winter!
Robot, does he stand a chance?
Yes Man: No, sir!
Jack Spicer: Will I crush him?
Yes Man: Hell, yes!
Jack Spicer: I unleash souped-up raps; think Lao Mang Lone, but sans the side-effects!
My words have Heart like Mala Mala Jong; breathe life into these beats,
Their darkness resonating for a full millennium, at least,
Not just nine-hundred-sixty years! My evil idols all approve;
My sharp eyes need no crystal lenses to foresee your every move.
Don't get it Lotus-Twisted: calling you a hazard's stretching it;
I'm gonna do to you what Omi does to half his sentences,
And if it seems I hurt nobody but myself when I scheme crimes,
Just nap eight decades, then come see how I've done in the meantime!
So, you think you're S-L-ick with that wack heli-pack and face-paint?
Get your Jackie Chan Adventures ass back in your parents' basement!
Plus, you aren't the real Jack Spicer, though I bet you screw men, too;
You won't survive what my vocabulary's gonna do to you!
I've had more stimulating showdowns with my own Chameleon-Bot;
My league's above your level: you know not with what you're dealing, Scott!
You see this ghostly witch? Well, soon, her form will look far less like Casper's:
You're forever out of luck once the Reversing Mirror shatters…
Wuya: In the flesh, I think likewise outside the box; got major skills.
I'd call this Shen Yi Bu, but, dare I say, the stakes are greater still!
You'd best start hailing the Heylin before I wipe the floor with your ass;
Fighting back's as pointless as T. Swizzle's casting in The Lorax!
I'm a one-girl villain dream-team: Spicer knows it All Too Well;
Your yeti can't avert the things this green-eyed monster means to do!
I'll make your whole life black-and-white again; send you to Ying-Yang Hell,
And this is no cliffhanger: it won't have to wait for season two.
This demon chick of yours ain't hip; she's fifteen centuries behind.
My girl is never out of Style; that, you'd better keep in mind!
Jack Spicer: You really think she loves you? You're a fool; believe me when I say it,
Because I've been in that same place!
Scott Pilgrim: Wait a minute… you two dated?!
Taylor Swift: Yeah, in seventh grade; it was a phase: I had a thing for bad boys.
Plus, he barely paid me mind; was always busy with his wack toys!
Jack Spicer: That's enough talk from you! Wuya, now: bring on the fireballs!
Wuya: Indeed, it's getting hot, so just gaze at my form, and be enthralled!
Scott Pilgrim: How can you hope to spellbind me when you can't spell the word "Shaolin"?
Your rapping's comparable to Chronicles: nobody gives a shit!
Wuya: That doesn't even rhyme!
Jack Spicer: …And I thought my kid cousin was obnoxious,
But what's pestilence against a future-emperor and a goddess?
Scott Pilgrim: Listen, Pinky and the Brain: give up on global domination;
If I brought you in, your bounties' sum wouldn't cover transportation.
Leaping into action like the Mantis Coin to stick it to ya',
I'll bust caps in you in slow-mo while doves fly away, and Woo ya'!
Jack Spicer: AAAAAA…
Scott Pilgrim: AAAAAA…
Jack Spicer: …AAAA…
Scott Pilgrim: …AAAA…
Jack Spicer: …AAA…
Scott Pilgrim: …AAA…
…What a freaking nut that guy was; good thing I made him go boom!
Taylor Swift: Oh, it's not over; of my exes, you'll be fighting six more soon,
And our relationship can't bloom until the lot of them are finished!
?: Number two'll leave you flatter than his ollies in two minutes!
Once I start Godzilla-railing, flipping out, you'd best submit,
Because my boards come Über Light, but I spit heavy-duty shit,
And it's no V.R.; I'm for real! You're dealing with a sport's Godfather,
So sign off now, and I'll let you live; I wouldn't refuse that offer!
There's no skater-innovator greater: I've got tricks galore;
Face off against me in the Ex Games, and end up like Caleb Moore!
This Rod's a distant cry from Dangerfield; gets nothing but respect!
Call this place Paranoid Park, Pilgrim: I'm skateboarding you to death!
My Tensor Trucks have sold in scores; it's patent that I've earned my keep.
All your garage band music's garbage; take it to the Rubbish Heap!
I pull off stunts, no trouble; see me filling in for Benny Stiller!
Taking names since age fourteen, I'm the street scene's most steady pillar!
You can't match the Mutt; not even Almost! Boy, you're no Daewon Song,
So there'll be no second round; this track is gonna be your swan song,
And I do those talks for T.E.D. to motivate the kids,
But you'll find it Impossible to get back up again from this.
Since when'd you Darkslide over to the dark side, eh? I never knew;
I guess you did the kind of "heel-flip" that professional wrestlers do!
You've Dwindled in freestyle-skill; those improv raps were nothing special,
And your "A-Team" made the one with Liam Neeson look successful!
How can you switch up your stance with newfound tactics as you fight me
When your Plan B crashed and burned already way back in the nineties?
I don't want your autograph; need not hear any more from you
As I set out to rectify your record: thirty-four to two.
Well, not to sound like my old man, but I'd be hesitant to start:
The baddest of the Bones Brigade'll break your skeleton apart!
I'll post new footage: let the world watch me shred Taylor's latest toy,
And that conniving snake will rue the day she dumped this Skater Boi!
Come on; you've never been and never will be good enough for me!
Scott Pilgrim: Hell, you're just here 'cause Tony Hawk already had an E.R.B.!
You're past your peak; with age, grown rusty. Man, you've let your technique slide:
I bet you couldn't even rail-grind down that stairway if you tried!
If you expect I'll fall for that one, then you must be brain-impaired;
That's two-thirds of two hundred steps!
Taylor Swift: Oh, what's the matter; are you scared?
Rodney Mullen: Well, I'm more Fearless than you, bitch; in fact, I'll prove it to your ass!
Enjoi this spectacle of my swell skills, Scott; it'll be your last…
Holy crap, it worked; the Mutt struck terminal velocity!
I guess he somehow never read his own autobiography…
?: Am I glad he's in pieces down there and that we're alive up here!
Scott Pilgrim: Tell me about it, right… wait, who is this?
A veggie-head to fear!
Hello there; my name's Casey Kasem. Welcome to your…
Joey Tempest: FINAL COUNTDOWN!
Casey Kasem: It's the European Top Forty reasons why you're getting trounced, clown!
When I'm at the bat, it's your third strike: I'll knock you out the park,
And all the way up to the moon; you'll leave a crater of a mark!
How's that for "reaching for the stars"? Don't even try to keep your footing;
Known for never eating meat, but still I'll turn you into pudding!
It's the end of you and Tay's road once I swooce right in to drop you:
Boy, you never should've come here; didn't your mama tell you not to?
My show grew from seven stations to a damn-near-everywhere craze;
Spent about a thousand weeks at number one across the airwaves,
And I played a stoner coward, but you'd best be frightened, dope:
Watch me tear into you without reluctance like a lycanthrope!
My next broadcast will have this bit: Whatever happened to Scott Pilgrim?
Well, I'll tell you; drum roll, please…
…I fucking killed him!
Now, Long-Distance Dedication time; this comes from California:
Travis T. writes, "School this poser, Casey! I'll be rooting for ya'…"
Wow; so much for your peace-loving dedication to nonviolence!
Crossing me was your worst move since opting out of Zombie Island!
Voicing Shaggy ended by the Sword? So will this extra life;
I'll put more anguish in your final hours than your second wife,
Then bury you right on the spot, to spare your kids another quandary.
Clash against this demon on the mic, and get headbutted promptly!
Once, you munched on Scooby Snacks, but now, you must be smoking spliffs,
So just take after your Transformers role, and jump right off a cliff!
Oh, don't bring up those racist robots, with their wack ersatz Gaddafi;
Kid, I'll end your meddling for good, and walk off from it Scott-free!
They gave me this upbeat tune to call your dirge, but I ain't angered,
'Cause who gives a shit? This guy from Canada's a total wanker!
You signed off your last with me on top, and think that scores you credit,
But as Robin, you left less of an impact than Gordon-Levitt!
Scott Pilgrim: Although it's against his diet, and might even make him sick,
This gawky, shit-talky disc jockey needs to go and eat a dick!
CUE VEGAN POWER-ACTIVATION!
Casey Kasem: It's high time that I struck back;
The voice of NBC will rip this no-bite clod a new butt-crack:
Armed with the perks of peaceful living, seal your violent fate, but first,
A toast to your impending doom, seeing as I need to quench my thirst…
Taylor Swift: That was milk you just drank, dude.
Casey Kasem: Wait, what?!
Judge Dredd: Hands up, and freeze;
You've violated protocol, Kemal!
Casey Kasem: Whoa, wait a minute; please!
Judge Dredd: The law declares your powers forfeit for your actions on this day,
And so I'm setting my Lawgiver to Deveganizing Ray!
Gruddammit, not again; curse you, poor vocal recognition!
Look, can you forget you saw that?
Scott Pilgrim: Have no fear, Judge; all's forgiven.
A 1-up? Cool; I must have scored a lot of points then!
So now, Taylor, when can I destroy the next of your ex-boyfriends?
Taylor Swift: Exes, you mean.
Scott Pilgrim: What's the difference?
?: So, you haven't let him know?
Taylor Swift: Hey, go get bent!
Oh, I'm the one who does the bending when I flow!
It's a performance in the making ten millennia, and worth it:
Watch me spit harmonically, my words converging into verses!
Boy, your brain will crack in two, and not from any realization;
Wage Turf-War against this fourfold threat, and face annihilation!
I'm one bi-furious bitch your spurious, dirty tricks won't sell to,
And there's not a damn thing you can do; forget what Varrick tells you.
I'll project enormous power; rip your soul right out, no challenge,
For my rhymes release so rapidly, they're like the Book of Balance!
Who did you expect; Katara? Man, you'd best prepare to die,
And your end won't be subtle; Mike and Bryan needn't clarify.
I'd haunt your dreams, 'cause I'm known for unlocking the intangible,
But ain't the Freddy Krueger type, though I've cosplayed as Hannibal!
I fought equality, harmony, freedom; even unity!
What in five nations could some shaggy-headed slacker do to me?
I'm with the Future's Iron Lady, and she'll be the first to say…
Asami Sato: We're gonna pop the biggest bottles when your death occurs today!
Yeah, you're the Avatar, and dissing you is how I'm dealing with it;
It's your Last Stand if you'd step to this: you've got me feeling livid!
Swallowed whole by my dark lyrics, you won't recollect what hit you;
You're a lost soul, foggy-minded: don't know what you're getting into!
My chaotic raps will fracture you, like Ba Sing Se in anarchy;
I'll make your wack recap-announcer go…
Shiro Shinobi: Oh, the humanity!
Scott Pilgrim: That mercury derailed you into three years of depression?
That's no way to cope when handed poison lemons; just ask Tenzin!
I just had some down-to-Earth discourse with Avatar Kyoshi;
Avatar Kyoshi: Bathe in this brat's blood, and make his severed head a trophy!
Avatar Korra: Like my basis in girls' M.M.A., I fight with mad Conviction;
You've less hope than Mako, touching me: not even in fan-fiction!
Methinks I should take a swing here; you two ain't on equal ground.
We've got Bad Blood now, babe; in fact, I liked you better wheelchair-bound!
Have you told Carmen Sandiego here about our college drama?
I've seen Benders with more eloquence than you on Futurama!
What's the matter, queenie; out of breath already? Typical:
All that you'll ever be is Mean; I'm living at the pinnacle!
I'll put a sock in you to stop the flow of verbal diarrhea;
Could I turn back time, I'd tell your parents: you're a bad idea!
In mind-blowing circumstances, your arch-foe discovered flight,
And just as well, I'll take a level, and unlock the lover's might;
That's right, I'm armed! You're like Ming-Hua now; brace for your next new beginning…
New question for the other Quora: how's that for "love winning"?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hahahahahaha… serves you right for being inappropriate for little kids, bitch! Hahahahahahah- (*BANG!*)
Invader Zim: I've been waiting a long time to do that. Now, to cement my conquest of Nickelodeon once and for all… T.V. movie, here I come!
So, then, you don't mind that I've been with girls?
Scott Pilgrim: Oh, quite the opposite;
That's hot! Besides, I'm on a roll, and I'll have nothing stopping it;
At this rate, I could take on two at once!
Taylor Swift: Well, good, because you'll have to.
Scott Pilgrim: Wait; I didn't mean that!
Taylor Swift: Too late; the twins are on their way to whack you!
With no regard for the law, though plenty for our mama,
The East End was our land; we met Garland, and even Sinatra!
You've brought one Legend down, so in your mind, you're hot,
But take a second on, and swiftly find you're not!
Ready or not, we bust shots off at you, son:
Reggie Kray and his brother, Ron!
You're nothing but a mere Blind Beggar to this prince of London city,
Taking such stabs at you, just go change your name to Jack McVitie!
Ronnie Kray: …And if you think he's Kray-Kray, you'd better well be scared of me:
Though I take bollocks from nobody, I give more than Jeremy!
Be paranoid: this schizo's off his meds come time to drop a verse…
Reg: …And that's completely fine by me; see, we aren't here just to coerce.
Krays: We could've been contenders boxing, but proved greater fighters still:
The swinging sixties' Firmest force; two cockney crooks of highest skill!
Reg: As shown in David Bailey's box, we're bona fide celebrities…
Ron: …Whom either party, plus the press, know not to make their enemies!
Krays: We spit right-proper gangster-raps!
Ron: Think yours can hold a candle?
Krays: When it comes to bringing down our clan, you couldn't handle Charlie!
Ron: Monty Python can attest: a devastating bite? We pack it!
Reg: Don't expect you'll find protection; we're the ones who run the rackets!
Krays: Even striking deals with stars behind two separate prisons' bars,
You're getting taken over, Scotty; as of now, this story's Ours!
Those camera tricks aren't fooling me; you're far from "Legendary"-level:
I've seen more authentic acting from Tim Curry as the Devil!
Screw Ibiza, Reg: I'm handing you two tickets straight to Hell,
And popping you like pills by the beloved you made slay herself!
With words as torturous as anything the Richardsons could fathom,
Watch me knock you 'til you're barfing blood like River City Ransom!
I'm a true violence-professional, so don't go slinging mud;
Just call me Leonard Ernest Read: I'll be the Nipper of your buds!
To quote another Hardy felon: SHUT THE FUCK RIGHT UP, YOU CUNT!
Reg: You must be madder than the Axeman, making such a bold affront,
And you'll, moreover, share his ending, vanishing without a trace!
Ron: You're like our other Twenty-Fifteen film: a load of utter waste!
I bring dishonor with the lyrics I'm discharging at you here:
These sentences'll leave you stricken for upwards of thirty years!
You died when Taylor was a kid; how could you possibly have dated?
…Seriously, Tay: what gives?!
Taylor Swift: Well, let's just say it's complicated.
That time-travelled tart toyed with us; now, we're getting bloody even!
Ron: It was her that turned me gay, like Julie did your buddy Stephen!
Krays: Go ask Morrissey about these playboys' fame across the nations!
Ron: We'll crack down on you abruptly!
Reg: …Never were too big on patience.
In my view, this rhythm's earned a rest from your wack rap-activities;
I'll send you both back down into the ultimate captivity!
Though five whole years went by between your prior passings, know this:
You'll go out together here; I'm getting that achievement-bonus!
(*BANG, POW, BAM, BOOM, BOOM!*)
…Seems those twins were hardly wonders once my powers activated;
Now, but one last evil ex remains with whom I'm battle-fated!
So, who's sucker sinner seven? Yo, I bet I'll bust him easy!
Taylor Swift: Well, I'm sorry, but I now must go; my true beloved needs me…
Scott Pilgrim: What the Hell; where'd Taylor go, and why'd her face look all aglow?
Perhaps I ought to venture off alone, and- (*RING-RING-RING!*)
?: Hello, yourself; ex seven here, inquiring: when do we start?
That is to ask: when's a convenient time for me to knife your heart?
Come journeying into my mysterious domain of domination,
And you'll wish for banishment to some Midgardian location!
Spitting colder than the ancient winds my casket summons forth,
I sure as Hela ain't nice; I'm straight-up Norse!
Loki: I need no army here, and you're no Hulk, so kneel before my highness,
For I own the rapping-throne with no disputes and no disguises!
I suppose you think a muzzle ought to be required of me,
But as for Masks, I much prefer a different form entirely!
You're unworthy to lift a finger to this god, and that's no lie;
I'll wager both my head and neck: you couldn't craft verses half as fly!
The odds are stacked: it's fact; far from low-key, I'll not attempt to hide it.
You've no chance in all Nine Realms; our showdown's utterly Lopt-sided!
Falling into Pilgrimsleep won't save, come time to answer to me;
I can even off fan-faves, and still have scores of fandom-groupies,
For my scepter holds the key to subjugating mental spaces!
Don't believe me? Ask my latest catch…
Taylor Swift: Oh, Loki, you're the greatest!
Why, you autogenocidal fiend; you'll pay for this offense,
For in defiling my love, you give me something to Avenge!
You're weak; your power's an illusion, like that pretty face of yours,
You freak! Go back to your own kind; I hear the Blue Man Group's on tour!
Your daddy should've left you where your daddy left you, all alone;
You say you're master over minds? I say you're infinitely stoned,
But don't expect you'll live to see the plans of Thanos come together;
As a Marvel movie villain, sheer dumb luck can't last forever.
Oh, "defiled", my ass! This rebel is the best she's ever had,
Although she'll never change me; on the weekends, I'll be extra-bad.
While once, I freaked out like Skywalker, soon you'll be in shocked denial
When the trickster hits with disses most mischievously vile!
To quote a doper boss than Odin with a far more fly eyepatch,
I've had it with this motherfucking joking Jotun on my track!
I'll beat you black, and bluer still, 'til even Frigga says you're ugly;
Try this thrashing on for size, and then let's see you acting smugly…
Game over, kid!
Scott Pilgrim: You cheater…
Loki: Well, you won't be cheating this!
Jesus Christ: Sweet child, have no fear; embrace now an eternity of bliss…
Scott Pilgrim: Not to complain, and no offense, but don't I have another guy?
Jesus Christ: Oh yeah, you do… that changes everything: go back and suffer; bye!
…I live, with newfound understanding and respectfulness of self,
My Kurses on you cutting deeper than the duskiest of elves!
You ran for president? I'd sooner vote for Kanye! Man, you're heinous,
So relax, and have a drink; I'm pretty sure this poison's painless…
What's this feeble-minded little square against my Tesseract?
No armor need help me Destroy you; I relentlessly attack!
With Yggdrasil's spheres all aligned, the whole cosmos is bearing witness
As the wackest mewling quim of all is duly, truly finished!
…I think I'll have that drink now…
Flandre Scarlet: Hee-hee, puny god… VIVA LA RAGNAROK!
The viking villain's vanquished; I'm victorious!
Taylor Swift: You are?
Scott Pilgrim: Well, yes!
Taylor Swift: From what I saw, my savior was that freaky, floating vampiress!
You don't get credit for that kill, and so I won't give myself up,
Until you prove your battle-skill against my secret eighth ex!
My league is mine alone: I'm unlike all the rest with which you've tangled;
Those who'd order me around are liable to end up strangled!
Don't get that confused with choking, such as you'll be doing soon;
Just ask my homies back on Elpis: I can really shoot the moon!
I'm armed with legendary lyrics from my Handsome word-collection;
Next to me, Pandora's other poets? Zer0s, not a question!
Think you're such a trooper, fighting for your life? I'll put it bluntly:
There's no way you're Soldiering through this; I'll one-shot you abruptly
In the back, your shielding down! Indeed, I won't be fighting fair,
And when I say I'll break your legs, I don't just mean your favorite chairs'!
My rhymes will penetrate you to the core; you're running out of time:
Constructed with Felicity, they're sure to tear apart your mind!
I'm quite the button-pusher…
Claptrap: He killed my entire robo-race!
Handsome Jack: Try crossing me, and get preemptively ejected into space!
My laser up on Helios was lost to sabotage, it's true,
But still you're guaranteed destruction once my eye is set on you.
You're in way over your disfigured head; prepare to be defeated,
For I see what's up inside it, no Jacktastic voyage needed.
This just in, and Hellquist isn't here to spin it in your favor:
If you're your own story's hero, so's Big Brother; you're no savior!
Go ahead and call me bandit scum; I spit psychotically,
Though I ain't suicidal: that would be your Siren progeny,
'Cause you're an asshole, plain and simple, and that diss won't be my last!
Athena gave this "hero" too much credit; "Lilith's fault", my ass.
Here's some Eridium; go off yourself, and spare us from your bullcrap.
I'm going Heavy here; I'll tell you now what makes a good rap!
"Hyperion", indeed: my highness is beyond compare,
And I equip my Loaders with the works; look on them, and despair!
It's written on my very face: great power's shown me things to come,
And they sure didn't involve some underage high-schooler-dating bum!
You're as pathetic as the Meriff, and I'm not gonna let you live,
Because I've heard hotdogs with fairer, more profound insight to give.
You'll meet explosive force, Torgue-style, when I pull the verbal trigger!
You say you're one-of-a-kind? Your Doppelgänger begs to differ.
Though your virtual rebirth was Nakayama's sole success,
You're now in Rhys' pieces, as your former biggest fan attests.
I bring the heat like lava in the Vault where you met your demise,
And as for handsomeness, Squidward is more appealing to the eyes!
I needn't go all Saw to leave your legacy entire gone,
For I'm this beat's M.C.E.O., and as of now, you're fired, John!
…Although I didn't think it could happen in my Wildest Dreams, you've won;
My gauntlet gambit failed, I've no choice but to let you have your fun!
Scott Pilgrim: Today has been no fairytale, but finally, you're my Valentine,
So let's get to it: I'll show you the most incredible of times!
(*As Scott prepares to consummate his conquest, time seems to slow down while a familiar musical riff starts playing…*)
?: ZA WARUDO!
TO BE CONTINUED…
What the Hell just happened? Taylor, are you- OH MY GOD!
?: That's right!
You thought that you would be the one who'd get to tap that ass tonight;
Most woefully, though, for your ego and libido, it was me, yo!
Change your name to Ozzy, Scotty; you've been traded out for DIO!
You'll wish you were stuck with Loki, still, once I launch my invasion:
Kicking puppies? Child's play; I go for dog-incineration!
Vile Victorian vampire, turning mothers into zombies;
You can ask him for yourself: the Ripper ain't got Jack-shit on me!
Fighting back is useless: I pull zero punches for my victims,
Spitting coffin-nails; this loser's never gonna know what hit him!
The Italians will attest: I reign supreme! I can't be beaten;
Dropping verses phatter still than all the breads you've ever eaten!
Such sick shit's inside this brain, my head alone's too much to handle;
With humanity rejected, I attack without remorse,
And when my trump card finally enters play, you'll be brought to a standstill:
Instantaneously flattened by my roller's steaming force!
My writings hold the way to Heaven, but through raps, I'm raising Hell:
Feel your composure go awryyy as I let loose my crazy yell!
One major menace, rumble with me, and get sliced straight down to size!
You let that Chinese chick down easy? Let's see you shrug off these Knives!
Though that Aztec mask served you well, here, you know not with what you're screwing:
Victory's as lost to you as your first film to public viewing,
You JoJoke! WatchMojo had it right: you're nowhere near the best.
I heard it from the man himself: even Speedwagon's unimpressed!
My words will Ripple through your mind and leave you yare yare dazed;
Forget Hamon, though: I kick ass schooled in the ways of Streets of Rage!
My Battle-Tendency is winning, more than Charlie ever could;
Succeeding where your body's donor failed, I'm sinking you for good.
Do you believe in gravity? You fail to grasp your situation's:
You couldn't hope to beat the other me in some cross-country racing!
If, for one second, you'd think you'll out-outsmart this lord of time,
You're living in a fantasy, just like that druggie son of mine!
Once heir to some mere drunken bum, I now hold power ever-reaching;
You can't fight your fate here, kid, and know that's not just Pucci's preaching.
All I need to drain you dry's right at my very fingertips;
Even Vanilla Ice's name is feared with my dark leadership!
You used to be a bloody boss, with gods and living dead devoted;
Then, you took a fist into the knee so hard, your head exploded,
But an arrow, on the other hand, is how you were empowered,
So with that in mind, I take a Stand in this, my darkest hour!
[STAND NAME] Sex Bob-omb [STAND MASTER] Scott Pilgrim: Pushed past the Threshold, Awesomeness is dialed to eleven:
I'll crush you five times as if it were a game; think Eyes of Heaven!
I go hard as Crazy Diamond; there's no way you're breaking me! Quit tripping:
Your next line is, "I'll be walking home, like an Egyptian…"
Wrong; it's: ZA WARUDO!
…And now you're frozen; any questions?
Scott Pilgrim: Yes; ahem… OH SHIT, is that a motherfucking JoJo reference?!
Dio Brando: Wait, what kind of question's that; boy, is your brain already dead?
Of course that was a reference, just like nearly everything I've- (*CROTCH-KICK!*)
…This is impossible; I'm DIO! How did you do that, you jerk?!
Scott Pilgrim: Just call my Stand King Crimson's twin: screw making sense; it simply works!
I'm roasting you as thoroughly as the Saharan desert sun:
No cosmic reset's needed here; I've unconditionally won!
Now, my most bizarre adventure's at its end, for sure, for real,
And at long last, T. Swizzle's love is mine! Alright, let's seal the deal!
Taylor Swift: Dude, that psycho just violated me; I'm battered, bruised and bleeding!
Plus, were we to truly date, there's not a doubt it would be fleeting.
After all, I'm only here as warmup for your featured duel,
As promised in the title; now, that gig's complete: I'm out, you fool!
Scott Pilgrim: So, it was all an act? Forget you, then, you crazy serpent-girl!
Aw man, this bites… but hey, at least I stand as conquerer of the World!
WELL-DONE, MY BOY: YOU CLOBBERED THAT NEFARIOUS SO-CALLED IMMORTAL!
BETTER YET, I'VE CLOSED THIS TROUBLESOME VAMPIRE-DIMENSION PORTAL;
THERE'LL BE NO MORE UNDEAD ENTRANTS HERE!
Gabriel Belmont: There won't? Aw, Old Gods dammit…
Scott Pilgrim: Wait… so Dio really was invading; you didn't even plan it?
Announcer: WELL, WHY WOULD I HAVE YOU FIGHT SOME WACK BLOOD-SUCKER; ARE YOU MENTAL?
Scott Pilgrim: …'Cause his power's called "The World"?
Announcer: ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL!
ANYWHO, IT'S MAIN EVENT TIME: MEET THE ULTIMATE O.G.,
WEIGHING IN AT SIX SEXTILLION TONS, AND KNOWN AS HOME TO YOU AND ME…
Hailing from the Milky Way, here comes one mother of a pebble,
Packing meteoric words; yours face extinction when I strike!
I'm pleased to beat you; hope you've guessed my name, but no, I'm not the Devil:
Third rock from the sun, I'll be the final rocker of this mic!
Unlike my surface, Earth's verses are anything but watered-down;
This planet's armed with more than Ego, and you're getting slaughtered, clown!
You'd like to make yourself believe that I flow slowly? Keep on dreaming;
I'm a juice-pumping machine, with scores of running rivers streaming!
I'm sure as my core not flat: the rhymes I drop fall even less-so;
It's survival of the fittest, and you're doomed right from the get-go!
I'm a straight-up boss throughout the seasons, never mind my axis;
More an egg than any perfect sphere, but still you'll never crack this!
Don't you make me quake with laughter at your war on evil exes:
I've got seven continents and an array of wonders; check it!
My diversity's amazing; puts the Amazon to shame,
And stacked from pole to pole with skill, I'll rock you like a hurricane!
Bad shit goes down when I spit fire; ask the people of Pompeii.
I'll spin you for a loop: a taste of what I go through every day!
You'd better understand the gravity of this, and change your tune,
For all you know revolves around me; you couldn't even match my Moon, you little loon!
Newsflash, big guy: you aren't the universe's center;
Stomping on your face, I'll leave a carbon footprint to remember,
And… whatever! You know what? Just finish this accursed thing;
I swear, it's had as many false ends as The Return of the King…
Oh, wanna talk returns? Watch me bounce back from any cataclysm,
From ice ages to impact events to continental schisms!
If mankind goes boom, I'll just pick up the pieces and start over;
Nothing takes me down for good, short of a fucking supernova!
I'm the stage for all of history; go see Bill Wurtz's summary!
Just call this global warming: bringing heat, I'll melt you utterly!
Of countless cosmic objects, only I can foster life,
So if there is a God almighty, I guess I must be His wife!
No dig you take can scratch my crust; indeed, you aren't the cleverest,
'Cause stepping to me is an order taller still than Everest!
Try playing up here at my level, and you'll find it hard to breathe:
My lyrics soar so high, they're past my atmosphere; you need to leave!
I'm ancient beyond comprehension: even Christ has no idea;
When my lines all come together, it's a power-rap Pangaea!
Billions walk all over me, but I'm nobody's doormat, son:
I've outlived ninety-nine percent, and bitch, you ain't long for the one!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!