Triggered, by Dickfart

Lance knocked on Pidge's door at the outer space equivalent of three in the morning. Pidge answered and wasn't the least bit impressed.

"Guess what? I'm a sexy Latino Autistic Transgender Bisexual Gay Person who is madly in love with Keith and no one else, and that makes me special."

"Really," said Pidge, who didn't care at all. "And why do I have to know all this at this exact moment? When I should be sleeping?"

"Hunk and I received a transmission from some fossilized data from an Interweb known as TUM-BLERR. It has all kinds of "HEAD CANNONS" about ME! I bet you never heard of it."

"I've heard of it," said Pidge. "It's a terrible website of perpetually butthurt bottomfeeding attention whores with no friends who threaten to kill anyone who creates cartoon characters that aren't exactly to their liking and violates their head canons even the slightest bit."

"Oh," said Lance. "But I'm still special, right?"

"Sure. Whatever," said Pidge, slamming the door in his face.

Moments later, he called Keith and said, "Hey Keith. I'm in love with you. Or so the ancient prophets of the TUM-BLERB foretold. I'm not gay though. I'm bigaytransmexicanotherkin... I think? I lost my notes and I'm confused. I thought I was Cuban."

"Are you high?" Keith asked.

"Que?" said Lance.

"Go to bed." And Keith hung up.

So Lance went to Allura and said, "Hey Allura. The prophets of yon ancient data pool TUM-BLEE have erased my obvious person boner for you, because all heterosexual sex is inherently rape."

"Lance, get the fuck away from me," said Allura.

"OK, m'lady," said Lance, tipping his nothing, because fedoras are sexist.

Lastly, he went to Shiro.

"Shiro, I-"

"No," said Shiro. "I've encountered the insidious tumblr virus before in my travels. It scrambles your brain and consumes you."

"But..."

"But nothing, Lance. You are who you are, and whoever you are, it's who you are. Put tumblr out of your mind, son, or it will drive you to certain madness."

"OK," said Lance. "Hey, wanna fuck?"

"Maybe when you're eighteen," said Shiro.

"Well it just so happens that I turned eighteen today. Happy birthday to Lance! I want my first buttsex from a DILF."

"All right then. Get on all fours then, bitch. We're doing this," said Shiro, extra pleased to be acknowledged for the DILF that he was. He had no idea how Lance figured out that he had fathered ten thousand parasitic aliens with a hot bug chick alien in Galra prison, but nobody ever considered THAT, huh?

Some time later, Allura awoke once more to a twink getting plowed in the ass by a DILF, and she joined them. Keith missed the whole thing and didn't give one flying fuck about it, because sleep owns. Same for Pidge and Hunk, and whoever else is in this damn show.

Now where the FUCK did I put my weed?

The End