A/N: Aaaand J'accuse…! is finished. This story was never supposed to be that long (once upon a time I thought it was going to be a oneshot – HA), and was really intended to be a way for me to get used to writing again, so I really appreciate all of you coming on this sometimes-clumsy little journey with me. To the lovely reviewer who suggested this story could go on for 10-30 chapters (!), I appreciate your vote of confidence, but I think I've wrung every last drop from this plot. This chapter is mostly just silly scenes that I've been tossing around in my head, tying up loose ends, and an epilogue.

This chapter will take place after a time skip of about 10 months. Also, just a reminder: if Naruto was a multiverse, this story would take place in the Happiest Timeline. So, you know, silliness and fluff abound. I've tried to avoid going too far OOC, but hell, I wanted to have fun with it. (Translation: I make no apologies for drunk Sasuke.)

This is it. I'm going to do it.

A bead of sweat slowly trailed over Kakashi's temple. His hand shook slightly, and he endeavored to steady it as he took a deep breath. There was nothing to worry about. He was an S-class ninja, after all, and this was just a scroll protected by a chakra seal. And he'd never met a seal he couldn't break. Granted, some of those broken seals left a nice crater of destruction when he was done with them, but he was sure that wouldn't happen here.

Sakura would never lay that kind of trap for him, right?

The scroll in question lay rather ominously on Sakura's counter—though Kakashi supposed that it was actually their counter now, as he'd all but moved in. Not that that gave him any sort of say in what went on in the household—for example, he had absolutely no say about who was and was not allowed to touch the scroll. The suspicious scroll.

It looked like an ordinary storing scroll, except for the words KEEP OUT and a clumsily drawn skull that were scrawled across it in black ink. Sakura was a terrible artist, but her meaning was still clear. Kakashi felt absolutely no guilt, however, for what he was about to do. She'd brought this on herself with all her curiosity-whetting secrecy.

It had started normally enough, with her staying late after work a couple nights a week. Then it was every other day, and then it was every day, and her explanation had been a blunt "It's none of your business". A week ago, she had come home and told him she wouldn't be late anymore, and that's when she'd taken the scroll out of her work coat and placed it on the counter. For the rest of the week he'd been subjected to badly-muffled snickers every time she caught him looking at it beadily or reaching out to touch it. She was clearly getting a kick out of the whole thing, and Kakashi was sick of it. He had to know what was inside.

Forming several rapid hand signs, he placed his hand on the scroll and was about to say "Release!" when the front door crashed open. Startled, he leaped back guiltily, his gaze flying to the terrifying specter of a scowling Sakura standing in the doorway. Shit. He'd forgotten what time she was coming home.

"Ahaha…" Kakashi laughed nervously. "Hello, lady friend…"

"You were trying to peek!" she growled, stabbing the air with her index finger.

"No! I was… going to dust…" he insisted weakly.

"Dust. The kitchen counter. With your hand," came her flat, disbelieving response. But there was a gleam in her eye, and a twist to her lips, that told him she was more amused than angry.

Time to go on the offense. "You know, I wouldn't have to do this if you'd stop acting so cagey," he said slyly, sidling up to her as he reached behind her to push the door shut. Snaking an arm around her waist, he pulled her to him, dipping his head to nibble her neck through his mask. "Tell me what it is."

"You get to open your birthday present on your birthday. That's how this whole thing works."

Kakashi sighed. Having expectations around his birthday was an aspect to being in a relationship that he hadn't prepared himself for. After all, they'd been together for over ten months now, so he thought that he'd pretty much gotten this whole relationship thing down. They'd both adjusted to being together as if it required no adjustment at all, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Sure, they were still playfully antagonistic with each other, but they rarely actually fought. When he had his occasional dark days, she just seemed to know when to leave him alone and when to give him company. Meanwhile, Kakashi's generally calm nature served as the perfect foil for Sakura's hotter head.

The fact that they were both secretly giant dorks didn't hurt.

But this was the first time Kakashi was experiencing a birthday with Sakura, and the whole thing had made him a mess. For one thing, she had told everybody—every single one of his no-good friends who had been dying to know when his birthday was ever since they were at the academy together. Then, despite him telling her that he didn't want to do anything, Sakura had insisted that they invite all his friends to a "simple birthday dinner" that was "no big deal" and he "shouldn't shit a brick about it". He did not appreciate that last part.

It really wasn't fair—when Sakura had her birthday, only a few months after they'd gotten together, Kakashi had simply asked her what she wanted, and then provided it. He'd made her dinner, they'd gone out to celebrate with her friends, and then they'd had fantastic sex. It had been the caring, respectful way to plan a birthday, or so he'd thought, but Sakura obviously had different ideas about birthdays. She hadn't asked him what he wanted at all. I was so considerate, and she's just being a… birthday dictator.

Kakashi had a lot of feelings about it.

And then there was the scroll. The stupid, secret, suspicious scroll.

"Just give me a peek," he said, and this time his voice had dropped into that lower register that he knew she liked. The one that made her moan when he was inside her and murmuring filthy things in her ear. He slid his hands up to slide her work coat off her shoulders, and she let him push it to the floor as she smiled and leaned into him. "I'll make it worth your while."

"Oh?" she said coyly as she tipped her head up to face him, her own greedy little hands sliding around to smooth over his rear. The cold and calculating part his brain—the part that was wholly focused on what the hell was in that fucking scroll—was pleased: now he had his voice and his ass working in his favor. Everything was proceeding according to plan.

"Mm. I'll make some tea… give you a nice foot rub while you tell me about your day…" His cloth-covered brushed against her temple as he trailed his lips over her cheekbone. She reached up to pull his mask down, but he didn't kiss her like she wanted, staying tantalizingly out of reach, just barely letting his lips brush hers before he dipped his mouth lower to place an open-mouthed kiss on her neck. "…and then you can give me the present," he murmured silkily.

Up until that last part, she'd been pressing herself against him like an amorous cat, but when he mentioned the present she started giggling. Shit. He was losing her.

"I love how much this is getting to you," she said, grinning, her hands sliding up over his ass to toy with the hem of his shirt. "It just kills you to not know something, doesn't it?"

He frowned slightly, forgetting he was supposed to be seducing information out of her. "Just tell me—ee!" His sentence was interrupted by a decidedly unmanly sound as her fingers, still cold from the chill outside air, wormed under his shirt to press against his sides.

Sakura cackled. "What kind of noise was that?"

He glared at her, hissing slightly as she moved her hands around to his abdomen. "It's the sound of someone being assaulted by Woman Jutsu: Icy Fingers of Death."

"They're cold," she said, pouting cutely, but the pout melted into a slightly lecherous smile as she pushed her hands up higher under his shirt, one chilled thumb brushing over his nipple.

He gritted his teeth as his hands shot up under his shirt to grab each of her wrists, pulling them out and holding them as he pushed her back toward the door. Pulling her arms further up, he pinned them on either side of her, a slight smirk on his lips. Sakura hummed as he slid one leg between her thighs, pressing against her as he dipped his head to whisper in her ear. "If you're going to keep using your hands to be so naughty, I'm going to have to pin you down."

She bit her lip flirtatiously, rolling her hips into him. "Then I plan to be very, very—"

Her words broke off sharply with the sudden spike of all-too-familiar chakra on the other side of the door, accompanied by a single sharp knock. For a moment of pure, pregnant silence, neither of them moved.

"Fuck," Kakashi grumbled, sighing into her neck.

Sakura just groaned.

They'd been lucky so far—the general reaction to their relationship had been positive, with no few shinobi wondering what had taken so long. But there had been one moment that they'd both been quietly dreading, and that moment had finally arrived.

Sasuke was back.

Sakura's brow furrowed Kakashi released her wrists and stepped away from her. Well, wasn't this just great timing. She knew that Naruto had told Sasuke about her relationship with Kakashi months ago, but this was the first time Sasuke had been back to the village since then, and she was filled with a mixture of trepidation and irritation. Trepidation, because this was Sasuke—he wasn't exactly known for being emotionally well-adjusted, and it was hard to predict how he was going to react to anything, much less the news that his first love had taken up with his former teacher. Irritation, because Sakura resented the idea that her former lover even had the right to have an opinion about her new relationship.

She turned and opened the door, gasping as a kunai sailed past her face. Kakashi, the intended target, caught it neatly from where he stood in a relaxed slouch behind her, letting it twirl idly on one finger. His mask, of course, was back in place, and his eyes were casually void of emotion.

"Yo," Kakashi said lightly.

Sasuke stood with his arms crossed, his face impassive. The marmalade colors of the afternoon sunset backlit him perfectly, and Sakura rolled her eyes, willing to believe that he'd planned it that way. He fixed Kakashi with a cold look. Kakashi gave him an unflappable stare in return. Sakura looked from one to the other and scowled. If this is going to turn into some stupid masculine competition—

"Let's go, sensei," Sasuke taunted with a small, dark smirk. He didn't even look at Sakura before he turned and began moving down the walk. She frowned, turning to see that Kakashi had already retrieved his kunai holster and flak vest, throwing them over his shoulder as he pulled on his sandals.

Sakura watched him gear up with growing irritation, finally snapping as he breezed past her. "Where are you going?"

"Sasuke and I always spar when he's in town," Kakashi called over his shoulder.

Blinking, Sakura scowled again. "But—you—damn it, Kakashi, if you try to kill each other I am not healing you."

He paused and turned halfway to look at her, his eyes smiling. "Just a friendly spar. I'm sure he won't kill me." After a thoughtful pause, he added, "Probably."

Sakura watched them both dart off to the training grounds, her teeth clenched. Why are all shinobi such violent idiots? she wondered, conveniently ignoring her well-established penchant for destroying everything in her immediate vicinity when she was pissed off.

Needing someone to take her ire out on, she locked the house up and proceeded to stomp her way toward the Hokage tower. If she had to deal with this idiocy, then she wasn't going to deal with it alone.

Kakashi slouched into a deceptively casual stance as he looked at his former pupil. Sasuke, in turn, faced him with his usual stoicism. They stood in one of the many clearings in the team's old training grounds. "Has your mission been going well?" Kakashi asked, still using the same light tone from before.

"Hn," Sasuke answered, turning into a blur as he rushed forward.

So much for pleasantries, Kakashi thought with an inward sigh as he blocked Sasuke's first strike, although he hadn't really expected much from his recalcitrant former student. Sasuke had exactly one form of communication that he was good at, and it involved using his fists. And feet. And kunai. And sword. For those who understood the language of fighting, he had a lot to say.

Fortunately, Kakashi was fluent.

He was surprised to find Sasuke in a nostalgic mood. In a move that harkened back to his days as a genin, Sasuke flew at him with a succession of kicks, followed by a succession of hand strikes. He alternately supported himself on the ground with his hands and then his feet, seeming unbothered by gravity as he left graceful swirls in the dirt where he'd touched down. It was a style that would have turned into a mess of limbs if a less-talented shinobi attempted it, but Sasuke made it look like a dance. Kakashi had always thought that Sasuke's early fighting style was a thing of beauty, and he was pleased to see that he'd retained the ability despite being much bigger than he was in his youth.

Kakashi was able to block every hit, but that didn't seem to matter—Sasuke had something to say and was saying it in the only way he knew how, with blocks and blows that echoed all the times they had sparred together when he was young. Remember who we used to be? Remember who I used to be, when I was the only thing that mattered to her? A kunai suddenly in his hand, Sasuke slashed down in a powerful stroke, and Kakashi only just managed to defend with his own kunai. How could you?

Kakashi had a choice to make: he could continue to stay on the defensive and allow Sasuke to get out his frustrations, or he could meet his level of force and hopefully overcome it. It really wasn't any kind of choice at all; for one thing, Sasuke would only get angrier if he sensed that Kakashi was placating him. More importantly, Kakashi would be damned if he'd do anything but fight for Sakura, even if the whole situation was kind of ridiculous and immature.

When Sasuke dropped slightly to aim a kick up at his jaw in preparation for his Barrage of Lions attack, Kakashi took his chance and used a substitution jutsu, leaving Sasuke to destroy a harmless log. Reappearing behind him, Kakashi struck out quickly with the flat of his hand, but Sasuke managed to recover fast enough from his position that he diverted most of the blow with a quickly raised forearm.

Kakashi had a moment to appreciate that their long-established sparring rules included a ban on dōjutsu, or Sasuke would have already been the victor of this fight. But he thought he caught a flash of color in Sasuke's dark, angry eyes as he wheeled and blew a stream of fire at him, and Kakashi had a feeling that the spar was about to get a lot more serious.

Sasuke glared at him as he unsheathed his sword and flew at Kakashi once more. Apparently, Sasuke had moved on from the nostalgia portion of the fight and into the slice-the-shit-out-of-Kakashi portion. Kakashi drew a second kunai in order to use both to catch the blade before it sliced him in half. The two men stared at one another, a mere foot apart as they struggled to overpower each other, and Sasuke bit out, "I'm going to kill you if you hurt her."

It was rich, hearing Sasuke say that. When Sakura and Sasuke had broken up, Sasuke had left the village on another one of his extended missions, so he didn't witness the fallout. She'd told Kakashi and Naruto that the breakup had been instigated by her, that she'd realized that she could never be the quiet wife who waits at home and raises the kids without her absentee husband. But she had been devastated, walking around like a black cloud of death for weeks, and Kakashi and Naruto had both privately concurred that Sasuke was an idiot for not trying harder to meet her halfway.

Plus, there were all those times he tried to kill her. That was an important point.

Kakashi couldn't help himself. "You've already hurt her. Multiple times," he snarled back through clenched teeth, knowing that he was getting close to losing his usually even temper.

Sasuke's depthless eyes narrowed dangerously in response, and if Kakashi had been a lesser man, he would have swallowed nervously.

That may have not been the best thing to say.

"I can't believe he only sent a clone," Sakura muttered with a frown as she ran over the rooftops toward the training grounds.

"Hey! I'm a fully functioning person with thoughts and feelings, you know," said Naruto's clone from where he easily kept up next to her. "I'm really getting tired of the way people treat clones around here. I'm thinking of starting a union."

Sakura gave him a beady look. "You clones have been a lot more annoying since Naruto started learning about politics."

The clone scoffed and returned to the subject at hand. "Look, you need me here to overpower them both, if it comes to that. I can do that, easy."

"If it comes to that? It's already come to that!" Sakura spat. In the time it had taken to fetch the clone she had gone from being angry to being angrily worried. She tried to tell herself that that was unnecessary but being on a team whose members had tried to kill each other on numerous occasions tended to lend credence to her fears.

"You worry too much, Sakura," Naruto said, unfazed by the situation. "This is just how they deal. It's a guy thing."

"It's a stupid thing," she sulked under her breath as they finally approached the training grounds.

They both slid to a stop at the edge of the clearing where Kakashi and Sasuke were, which was littered with discarded kunai and random scorch marks. They arrived just in time to see Kakashi falter long enough for Sasuke to open a long red slash across his chest with his sword. Sakura made a small noise of panic at the back of her throat, immediately embarrassed when Kakashi recovered like it was no big deal. The wound was probably a lot shallower than it looked, and she told herself to calm down—they wouldn't kill each other.


Sasuke's victory was short-lived; his sword-strike by necessity brought him back in close to Kakashi, and as the follow-through of his swing brought his shoulder down, Kakashi recovered quickly enough to counter with a swift chop to his throat. Sasuke suppressed what sounded like a rough cough as the two men briefly separated, both panting as they glared at each other.

"Hi guys! Hey Kakashi-sensei, how do you like your birthday present?" Naruto's clone yelled cheerfully.

Kakashi and Sasuke grunted simultaneously in lieu of a greeting, neither taking his eyes off the other. They had both, by some unspoken agreement, mostly foregone the use of ninjutsu, although the surrounding area was scorched enough to prove that they hadn't always succeeded at holding back. It easily could have been worse. Instead, they focused mostly on taijutsu, each appearing to prefer the actual feel of his fists hitting the other.

As they darted at each other once more and clashed together, sword against kunai, Sasuke growled, "Pervert."

Kakashi didn't miss a beat. "Traitor."

Sasuke's eyes glittered darkly. "Cradle-robber."

"I don't know, Sakura's not a spring chicken anymore," Naruto's clone intoned impishly from the sidelines, nearly poofing out of existence when Sakura's fist crashed into the top of his head.

"That's for sure," they all heard Sasuke mutter.

That was the last straw for Kakashi, and he blocked Sasuke's sword with one kunai-equipped hand and then swung a fist at Sasuke's face in an uncharacteristically brutish manner. It connected, almost certainly because Sasuke hadn't expected Kakashi to swing at him like they were in a bar brawl, the blunt sound of it ringing through the clearing. Sakura felt a bolt of arousal go through her, learning something new about herself, and coughed in embarrassment.

The swing left Kakashi overextended, and Sasuke managed to sweep his leg at the other man as he fell back, hooking Kakashi's legs out from beneath him. They both landed on their backs with dull thuds.

The wind knocked out of them both, they lay there for a moment, catching their respective breaths. Naruto's clone snickered, and Sakura shook her head in dismay, as if she hadn't just gotten a little wet at the sight of Kakashi punching Sasuke. That was a little secret that nobody else needed to know about.

Kakashi cleared his throat, wincing slightly as the motion pulled at the cut on his chest, and his voice was calm again as he looked at Sasuke and said, "You have always been an absolute brat."

"Hn." A brief, wicked smirk flashed across Sasuke's face as he turned his head and spat out blood, and Sakura's jaw dropped slightly. Sasuke wasn't even really angry anymore, he was just enjoying being able to piss Kakashi off so easily,she observed with surprise. Naruto's clone must have come to the same conclusion, because he gave a short laugh and called, "Sasuke, stop messing with him. You know he's old, he might have a heart attack or something."

Kakashi leveled a glare at Naruto's clone from where he still lay on the ground. "Fuck you."

Remembering that she was mad at Sasuke and Kakashi for their obnoxious and definitely not sexy display, she crossed her arms over her chest with a frown. "Are you two done yet?"

Sasuke was already back on his feet and using a cloth to wipe Kakashi's blood off his sword, leaving himself open to attack in a wordless signal that he was finished fighting. Kakashi gave a beleaguered sigh and stood as well. Sakura watched them with the eyes of a medic: Kakashi was still bleeding slowly from the wound on his chest, and Sasuke's pale face was marred with a swelling bruise and possibly a broken jaw, judging from the uncomfortable way he was prodding at it with his fingers. The rest of the cuts and bruises they both wore were minor enough that she ignored them.

Sakura tutted as she made her way over to them, her hands glowing green as she went to heal the cut on Kakashi's chest, scowling at him when his eyes smiled at her above his mask. As she'd surmised, his chest wound wasn't as deep as it had first appeared, and in a few short minutes she had it healed completely.

The same scowl was given to Sasuke as she walked over and slapped his hand out of the way to inspect his jaw. He managed to look affronted and condescendingly amused at the same time, a feat that surely could only be accomplished by an Uchiha. Muttering under her breath about how stupid men were, she discovered that his jaw was indeed fractured. Though she was sorely tempted to leave it that way as a punishment—she'd never claimed to be unbiased, after all—she ultimately drew her chakra to her hand again and set about healing it. After all, Kakashi had been happy to accept Sasuke's challenge, so this stupidity was just as much his fault.

"Well, this was fun. I really worked up an appetite," Naruto's clone stated.

"You didn't do anything," Sasuke muttered, moving his jaw experimentally after Sakura had finished healing it.

"I think we should all go get ramen for dinner," the clone said brightly, conveniently ignoring the dour looks from the rest of the team, who certainly didn't have the same love for ramen that he did.

"You'd better have your own money. I'm not paying to feed a clone," Sakura said waspishly.

"Oh, I'm sure they won't mind if I put it on my tab," the clone replied.

"Ramen it is," Kakashi said with a resigned sigh.

"I don't know why we're letting a clone pick where we go," Sasuke muttered, and if it had been anybody else, his tone would have been called 'sulking'. But Uchiha do not sulk, of course.

The foursome made their way toward Ichiraku, still bickering lightly amongst themselves. At one point something occurred to Kakashi, and he spoke up. "Naruto… were you serious about Sasuke being my birthday present?" His dismayed tone let them know exactly how he felt about that, and when Sasuke gave him a dark look he insincerely added, "No offense," with an eye-crinkling smile.

"Bringing Sasuke in from the field is only half of the present." The clone paused for dramatic effect. "The other half is that tonight, he's going to drink with us."

This made Sakura's eyes widen as she started to giggle with distinctively evil glee, which she quickly tried to smother when Sasuke glared at her. She couldn't believe that Naruto had gotten him to agree to this. She and Naruto were the only ones who had ever seen Sasuke drunk—even Sasuke himself didn't know the truth, since he never seemed to remember anything the few times he had indulged. Which just made the whole situation even better.

Kakashi's brow furrowed. "I've gone drinking with Sasuke before."

"No…" Sakura drawled with a grin. "Sasuke has been there when you were drinking before. But he never drank."

Kakashi tilted his head thoughtfully. When he turned to look at Sasuke, Sasuke rolled his eyes in irritation and said, "I don't know what the big deal is."

Both Sakura and the clone broke into devious giggles, leaving the other two men to stare at them, perplexed. Sasuke shrugged in response to Kakashi's questioning look, which just made Sakura giggle harder. This was almost better than the present she was going to give Kakashi.


Kakashi was completely dumbfounded.

Several hours had passed, during which the members of Team 7 filled their bellies at Ichiraku and then made their unhurried way to Naruto's private quarters at the Hokage Tower. The clone had vanished shortly before they'd arrived, the real Naruto greeting them at the door with a cheerful grin. Hinata had gone to the Hyuuga compound for the evening to let them celebrate alone, he'd told them, before ushering them into the sitting room where warm saké was already waiting. Sakura and Kakashi had taken over one couch, while Naruto and Sasuke commandeered the second couch that lay perpendicular to the first.

There had been multiple rounds between the four of them since then, but Sasuke had only had three of the small cups, the result of which was Kakashi's dumbfounded state as he observed the spectacle before him.

Uchiha Sasuke was a lightweight.

He'd seemed fine after his first drink, although a pink flush had risen to his normally pale cheeks. On his second, Kakashi had caught what he thought was an actual smile, albeit a small one. The third drink had resulted in a very slight slur overtaking Sasuke's usually distinct speech, and Kakashi thought he'd caught him swaying once. And then, when he'd playfully shoved Naruto and Naruto had toppled off the couch, Sasuke had laughed. Loudly. Now he was pouring himself a fourth cup with a look of intense concentration on his face, smirking amusedly to himself when he accidentally spilled.

"This is unreal," Kakashi said quietly, so that Naruto and Sasuke wouldn't hear him.

"It's the only thing we've ever seen him be bad at," Sakura replied in a droll, yet equally quiet, tone. "I don't think it'll ever get old."

"How many times has… this… happened?" Kakashi gestured toward Sasuke, who sloppily tossed back the entire cup with Naruto's loud encouragement.

"It's only been a few of times. He always says he can't remember," Sakura said as Kakashi shook his head in disbelief. "Although Naruto and I have discussed the theory that he really does remember, and secretly enjoys not having a stick up his ass for a while."

"This is definitely not a present I would have expected," he said, raising his voice to include the others in the conversation.

"It's the best present ever!" Naruto crowed, grabbing Sasuke's shoulder and shaking him. Sasuke responded by sloppily putting his entire hand over Naruto's face and using it to push him away. Naruto giggled and hiccupped, having consumed far more saké than him.

"HEY," Sasuke said suddenly, swinging his attention to Sakura and Kakashi. A somewhat bleary smirk crept across his face, and his voice was blatantly suggestive. "Does she still call you sensei?"

"Pervert!" Sakura snapped.

But Kakashi leaned forward, and because he just couldn't help himself, he replied in a velvet voice, "Yes." Dropping a slow wink, he added, "And I call her Sasuke."

The dramatic, horrified expression that spread over Sasuke's usually stoic face as he let out a sound of disgust was more than Kakashi could take, and he threw back his head and laughed.

Maybe he did like birthdays, after all.

"So, you can't tell anybody about this, because if it gets back to Sasuke he'll never drink again. We gotta make sure he doesn't remember," Naruto whisper-slurred at Kakashi for the fifth time as he walked them toward the door.

Sasuke was mumbling and chuckling to himself as he trailed behind Sakura and Kakashi. During the course of the evening, he had become positive loquacious, including telling them that Orochimaru was actually cold-blooded and had made Kabuto snuggle with him at night to keep him warm, a story that Kakashi was 99% sure was a fabrication. All told, Sasuke had had about six of the small cups of saké, and he was completely smashed.

"I know, I know, I won't tell anybody," Kakashi said, fighting off a yawn. Sakura smiled and leaned against him, her arm looped through his.

Sasuke swayed past them and went to walk through the door, and Naruto caught his arm and yanked him back. "Whoa, you're not going anywhere. You're staying on the couch."

"Oh," Sasuke said with what was probably a giggle, except never in the history of time has an Uchiha giggled. Kakashi was sure of it.

"Say bye-bye, Sasuke," Naruto encouraged as he put Sasuke's arm around his shoulders to keep him from swaying.

"Bye-bye Sasuke!" Sasuke echoed with a snicker. Raising his hand, he leaned toward Naruto and tapped him on the forehead, whispering "boop". Naruto snickered back, leading him inside.

Kakashi and Sakura, having consumed much less saké than the other members of their team, were perfectly steady as they made their way out of the Hokage Tower and down to the street. "Well, that sure was something," Kakashi said, still somewhat stunned by the evening.

"I hope that doesn't overshadow my present," Sakura sighed.

He lit up. "Speaking of presents… it's after midnight."

Sakura was already shaking her head. "Nope. You still don't get your present yet. I'll give it to you after we wake up tomorrow."

Kakashi grumbled all the way home, much to Sakura's amusement.

The next morning, Sakura was in the kitchen early, much perkier than anyone who'd been drinking the night before had a right to be. She smiled as she surveyed her work; she'd made grilled fish, steamed vegetables, miso soup, and rice. She even had apple slices that looked like little bunnies in case he wanted something sweet, although that was unlikely.

Kakashi shuffled into the kitchen in loose black pants and his masked undershirt. Although she'd been a little hurt at first at his tendency to wear the mask even while at home, she understood that he just felt more comfortable that way. Sakura smiled brightly as she admired the view regardless—those undershirts were awfully tight, after all, and his pants were hanging kind of low. "Happy Birthday!"

Kakashi grumbled unintelligibly as he blinked. He was cute when he wasn't awake yet. She noticed his bleary eyes following the very short hemline of the robe she was wearing—the silky pink one that she knew he really liked—but he didn't really seem to be capable of actual thought yet.

Sakura turned him around and ushered him to the kitchen table, where he slumped into his usual chair, finally pulling his mask down. After taking all the food to the table, she joined him, and they both began to eat.

Kakashi was about halfway through his meal before he actually became coherent, belatedly thanking Sakura for the wonderful breakfast. She just beamed at him in response and actually wiggled in her seat in excitement. His eyes narrowed as he realized what she was getting so worked up about. "The present."

"Mmhmm…" she with a grin, her voice higher than usual.

"Are you going to make me wait all day for it?"

"I really should. If I give it to you now, you're going to want to take it to dinner. Which reminds me—there are going to be some ground rules."

Kakashi's brow furrowed. What the hell kind of present was this? "Rules?"

"Rule number one is that you don't talk about the present." She glared at him fiercely. "Rule number two is that you do not talk about the present."

He fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"Rule number three," she continued. "You are not allowed to use the present in public. That would cause people to ask questions about it. And then you would want to tell them about the present. And what are the first and second rules about the present?"

"You do not talk about the present," he answered in a monotone.

"Exactly." Sakura paused long enough to eat her last bite of rice, chewing thoughtfully. Swallowing, she smiled at him. "But I have made you wait a long time. And I really want to see you open it."

Kakashi tried to act cool. "If that's what you want."

"Oh, please. You know you're dying to open it." She smirked at him, looking very satisfied with herself. "Admit it—I've made you like birthdays."


"It's killing you. You want that present so bad."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

They sat in silence for a long moment while Sakura looked at him with a lazily quirked brow. He was pretty sure she had picked that up from him.

Finally, he broke. "Letmeopenthepresent," he uttered in one quick exhale, his teeth clenched together.

Grinning, Sakura stood, gathering plates. "I'll clean up. No, don't help, it's your birthday," she said, swatting his hands away. "Take the scroll into the living room and I'll be right there."

It seemed like forever before Sakura joined him, sitting beside him on the couch and holding her hand out for the scroll. Kakashi watched her with a beady stare as she used her chakra to release the seal on the outside. He was a little nervous, which was ridiculous. As she unfurled the scroll before her, she focused her chakra again before placing her palm down in the designated spot. With a soft poof, she suddenly held a box wrapped gaily in blue paper in the palm of her hand. Grinning, she handed it to him.

The box was small, about five inches square and four inches deep. It was also surprisingly light. He shook it a little and could feel something sliding around. Quickly, he slid his finger under a fold of paper and pulled it open, and soon he had made short work of the wrapping. Sakura hopped slightly in her seat, chewing her lip, the corners of her mouth twitching.

"Wait!" Sakura yelped, leaning forward and tugging down his mask, which he'd replaced after eating. "I want to see your expression. Okay, go."

Smirking a bit, Kakashi opened the box. He peered at the objects inside—a narrow rectangular metallic device with a long cord that split to end in two earbuds. He picked it up and blinked at Sakura. "A digital recorder…?"

A strangled sound came out of her, like she had swallowed a squeal. She looked like she was going to explode with anticipation—however, there was also a pink flush to her cheeks, like she was embarrassed about something. Obviously attempting to restrain herself, she said in a somewhat calm voice, "You know what an audiobook is, right?"

"How old do you think I am?" he said to her, scowling playfully as she scrambled into his lap. Of course he knew what an audiobook was. He just didn't bother with them. There were no audiobooks of his favorite series, so why bother? Taking the recorder from him, Sakura reached up to stick one of the earbuds in his ear. "Of course I know what an audio—"

She pressed play.

Kakashi abruptly stopped speaking as Sakura's voice came through the tiny speaker in his ear, sounding breathy and smooth. It was the same voice she used when she was in the mood and wanted him to be in the mood, too. "Icha Icha Tactics, by Jiraiya. Chapter One. Junko straightened the silk covering her full breasts as she studied her reflection in the mirror. She felt a thrill of nervous excitement go through her, as it always did before a seduction mission."

Kakashi stared at her, so shocked that he couldn't focus on the well-known words of his beloved book. "You… made me an Icha Icha audiobook…" he finally said in a stunned voice.

"It's a Haruno Sakura original." Her grin looked like it was going to split her face in half, although she was still blushing. Her eyes were drinking in his gaping expression with certain glee.

"You made me an Icha Icha audiobook," he repeated. His mind was dizzily racing, trying to process what was happening. It was like a dream he didn't even know he had was suddenly coming true. "Wait—did you…"

"I read all the parts."

"Even chapter—"

"Especially chapter eight." Her grin grew distinctly devious, and Kakashi thought that her blush deepened. "I get really into it."

The voice in his ear had begun to describe exactly what Junko liked about seduction missions, but he didn't notice as he was still staring at Sakura. No one had ever done something like this for him. She had disregarded her own possible embarrassment—because, of course, Kakashi definitely wanted to listen to it in public, and he absolutely wanted to at least tell Genma about it—and personally made him a gift that he never would have expected, and yet was still somehow exactly what he wanted. And now she watched him, giggling slightly at his open mouth, and the glee in her eyes didn't hide the love there.

There was an almost painful squeezing sensation in Kakashi's chest, and he felt strangely winded as he exhaled sharply, the words just falling out. "You want to marry me."

Sakura's eyes widened, her mouth dropping open in unconscious mimicry of his previous expression. Struck dumb for only a moment, she recovered and slapped his chest. "You can't just…. accuse me of wanting to marry you after I give you audio porn!" Kakashi didn't miss the excited widening of her eyes, or the slight tremble of her hand on his chest.

Kakashi had a moment of pure panic—holy shit he hadn't meant to say that—but he recovered surprisingly quickly. Sure, he hadn't planned on proposing in quite this way, but he'd known since before he'd first kissed her that it was a possibility that he'd end up asking her to marry him. Always being prepared was a trait picked up from years of leading others, and besides, he never would have risked his friendship with Sakura if he didn't think it was serious.

Resting his forehead against hers, he lifted his hands to cup her face, one thumb sweeping over her lower lip. He grinned slightly, unable to help himself. "I love you. Marry me."

"That's still not a question," she sulked, though the light that was dancing in her eyes belied her tone.

The grin continued to lazily spread across his face as he leaned forward to nuzzle into her neck, nipping her with each word. "Will. You. Marry. Me…" Pausing, he raised his head to give her a saucy look as he drew out the last word. "…ee?" he finished in a vaguely questioning tone.

Having grown used to his teasing nature, and rather fond of it, she couldn't seem to muster up any more indignation at his untraditional way of proposing. Instead, she just stared at him as a smile slowly spread across her face. It was like watching the sunrise, gentle and warm and all-encompassing, and Kakashi had a moment to regret that he no longer had the Sharingan to freeze it in his mind forever. He found himself holding his breath as she tipped her forehead into his, and quietly whispered, "Yes."

Kakashi exhaled, relief singing through him. He smirked a little. "Are you sure? Because that didn't sound as enthusiastic as—"

His words were covered by her squeal as she tackled her body into his, knocking him sideways on the couch. He knew the grin he had was probably a stupid one, but it was completely involuntary, as was his sudden awareness that the voice in his ear was beginning the first of Icha Icha Tactics' love scenes. He couldn't help but react to the latter, his hands pressing Sakura close to him as her voice purred in his ear, and he couldn't help but notice that she didn't seem to be wearing anything under her short, silky robe. When Sakura pressed her mouth to his, he responded eagerly, pulling her fully on top of him as he lay back against the couch.

He had just enough time to hear, "'I want you to make me yours tonight,' Junko said," before the earbud was pulled out of his ear so that Sakura could pull his shirt over his head. He gathered the digital recorder and earbuds in one hand and went to move them toward the side table, but Sakura stopped him with a hand on his forearm. The mischievous smile that she gave him was devastatingly sexy. "Don't you want to listen to your present?" she asked with feigned innocence, and he felt his cock twitch in his pants. He almost asked her to marry him again.

Slowly placing one earbud back in—only one, because he wanted to hear her, too—he felt his breath quicken as Icha Icha echoed in his head at the same time as Sakura kissed her way down his chest, the silky ends of her hair brushing over his skin. Her hungry hands were already sliding downward to undo his pants.

"'You can lie to yourself all you want, but I know this is more than just a mission for you,' Haruto said as he pushed a finger inside her. Junko writhed beneath him, hot bolts of desire running through her body. 'Oh Haruto,' she moaned."

The sound of Sakura moaning in his ear combined with the feel of her mouth closing over his cock made Kakashi groan low in his throat. He barely registered her pulling his pants lower on his legs, removing her mouth from him just long enough to prop herself up and tug his pants off completely. Straddling his legs, she pushed his hands away when he reached for her, instead taking his fevered length in her hand again. Fuck, he loved when she got demanding. When she lowered her head and took him into the hot cavern of her mouth again, he bit out a curse.

"Junko, wet and willing, cried out as Haruto curled his fingers inside her. She begged him not to stop, but he drew his hand away from her, his face smug with the knowledge of how much she wanted him. 'I need you…' she whimpered, and he smiled as pushed her legs wider. 'Where do you need me, Junko?' 'Inside of me,' she pleaded, and then she gave a wanton cry as he thrust into her."

Looking down at her, he saw that she had pulled up the ends of her robe enough to touch herself while she pleasured him. He moaned her name in a strangled voice, his cock so hard that it was almost painful. If she kept doing that, he wasn't going to last very long, and Kakashi wasn't going to be satisfied unless he could watch her come while he was inside her. Tangling his fingers into her hair, he tugged lightly, his breath catching in his throat as she gave one final suck before releasing him with an impish grin.

Smirking, he pulled her up to him, reaching up to stick the free earbud in her ear. The blush on her face as she heard herself moaning just made him want her more, and he pulled her close to kiss her as he slid one hand down to her hip, holding her still as he ground himself up against her. She so wet for him, a fact that made it hard to resist flipping her over and having his way with her.

"'You're mine now,' Haruto growled as he plundered her most sacred treasure, and Junko wrapped her legs around him, raising her hips to meet his bruising thrusts. Leaving long red lines on his back as she gripped him in ecstasy, she pleaded with him to fuck her faster, harder, her cries music in his ears."

Sakura moaned his name as she caught him at just the right angle and slowly pressed herself onto him, and he gasped at the feeling. She was slick and tight around him, her hips swiveling in a slow grind. His hand on her back kept her close as he pulled her robe open with his other hand, leaning forward catch her nipple in his mouth, teasing her with his tongue as she slowly rolled her hips against him. When his hand moved between her thighs, his thumb brushing over her clit, he felt her pulse around him. He groaned and thrust up into her, making her cry out.

"'Come for me now, Junko' he commanded darkly into her ear as he fucked her, and that was enough to send her over the edge, arching beneath him as her orgasm overtook her. 'I'm coming…!' she screamed wildly."

They were both panting now, their bodies shimmering with a thin sheen of sweat as they moved with each other. The slow circles Kakashi was pressing with his thumb continued as Sakura rose and fell above him. His eyes drank in the almost desperate look of pleasure on her face, the bounce of her breasts, the sight of him penetrating her. Her recorded voice in his ear pushed him closer to his release, but Sakura was trembling now, her movements growing ragged as her nails dug into his chest. "Kakashi, please…" she whimpered.

Letting out a lust-filled growl, he curled his arm around her waist, steadying himself with his other hand behind him, and then in one quick move flipped them over. For one brief moment, he thought he might tumble them both onto the floor, but he managed to keep them both from falling. This dislodged both their earbuds, however, but that didn't matter anymore as he pushed her legs up and over his shoulders and thrust into her again. Her pleas turned into wordless cries as he drove into her, feeling his own pleasure building to the limit as he set an unrelenting pace. When she came, her voice a broken scream as she trembled around him, he went with her, his rhythm faltering as he thrust into her, his whole body pulsing with his release.

Panting, he rested some of his weight against her, her knees pressed back into her chest. He was deeply appreciative of the flexibility of a kunoichi, and not for the first time. He brushed his lips against her forehead and cheek, murmuring about how beautiful she was, and how much he loved her, and even asking her to marry him again, which made her giggle. Lowering her legs to wrap them around his waist, she whispered back that she loved how she could still feel him throbbing, which made him twitch inside her. That just made her giggle again. Eventually they disentangled from each other, rearranging themselves so that Kakashi was lying on his back again, and Sakura was pressed to his side.

"So, do you like birthdays now?" she teased in a voice that was still a little breathless.

"Absolutely," he said with a lazy smile, sliding one hand over her neck to toy with the sweat-damped strands at the nape of her neck.

Shifting herself into a more comfortable position, Sakura frowned slightly as she realized how close she was to falling off the edge. "We need a bigger couch. We almost fell off before."

"We need a bigger house," Kakashi amended.

Sakura gave him a surprised look. "Why? I think this house is big enough for us."

Kakashi could feel heat rising in his face. Fuck. He hadn't meant to bring this up now. He was really bad with timing. "What if we want more bedrooms? For guests… and… things…" he hedged.

She blinked at him for a moment, uncomprehending, until she finally realized what he was stuttering about and a slow grin spread over her face. "You. Want. Babies."

Kakashi felt the bottom drop out of his stomach when he noticed that she'd used the plural. "I just thought we could talk about—"

"You want babies!" She was full-on laughing now.

Getting the distinct feeling that she was laughing at him, Kakashi scowled slightly. "I hate you."

"You love me," came her automatic answer as she leaned down to kiss him.

"I suppose one child would be nice," he granted, as if the whole thing had been her idea in the first place. "…Maybe two."

Pulling back, she snickered. "Our children are going to be so weird."

He had to agree.

They kept their engagement a secret that night at Kakashi's birthday dinner, letting their friends be distracted by the novelty of finally being able to tease him about his birthday. The day after, Kakashi and Sakura began to quietly tell their friends, making Ino promise to wait until Sakura's parents knew before spreading it around the whole village. The Haruno family took the news in stride; any misgivings they had about Kakashi's age or former position as Sakura's sensei were swallowed by their star-struck awe at having the Rokudaime marry into their family.

They got married in the spring, with Naruto officiating a short ceremony under a canopy of cherry blossoms. (The one time that Kakashi had tried to mention that cherry blossoms were a bit cliché, Sakura had fixed him with a glare and told him, "Weddings are supposed to be cheesy". Being a wise man, he shut his mouth.) Although they tried to keep it small, they had touched a lot of lives in Konoha, and ninja have a way of inviting themselves.

With the cherry blossom petals heavy in the air, and their eyes steady and their hearts full, Kakashi and Sakura promised themselves to each other. When they shared their first kiss as a married couple, Sakura covered Kakashi's briefly bared face with the sleeve of their kimono, and there was a disappointed groan from the crowd, but the cheer that soon rose in its wake echoed throughout Konoha. Naruto cried noisily, and Sakura looked up at her husband with that smile she saved only for him. She knew that even if they couldn't predict the things that would happen in the future, they would be facing them together… and that was more than enough.

Four Years Later

Kakashi sighed contentedly as he lay himself back in the grass, his hands linking behind his head. Sakura sat leaning against a tree beside him, her off-key humming supported by the sound of the wind in the leaves. The bundle she held to her chest squirmed with fitful noises before quieting down again, and she smiled as she ran her hand over the small head with its wisps of white hair. The yard that they were currently enjoying was one of their favorite things about the house they'd bought shortly after their marriage.

"Papaaa!" As their daughter's shrill voice broke the silence, Kakashi lifted his head somewhat. "Come play with me!" The little girl stood with her hands on her hips, light pink hair messily framing her defiant grey eyes.

"Why should I do that?" Kakashi answered lazily, while his wife rolled her eyes. His penchant for teasing her had expanded to include teasing his offspring as well.

"You love me!" she shouted, stabbing the air with one little finger, echoing the same words her mother had used toward her father so very long ago, the same words they teased each other with still.

Blinking, Kakashi looked at Sakura, and she looked back at him. In unison, they both said, "This is your fault."

Sakura was the first to crack, breaking into giggles. Kakashi snorted beneath his mask. When he sat up to lean toward her, she raised a hand to pull down his mask so she could kiss him, and their daughter made a disgusted sound of protest.

And everything was exactly as it should be.

A/N: Sooo cheesy, sorry not sorry. XD All blame for the boop scene goes to my husband, who made me promise that drunk Sasuke would do the "Uchiha boop" to somebody. (He almost booped EVERYBODY—believe it or not, drunk Sasuke was a lot more ridiculous before I made myself tone him down.)

Thank you so much to everyone that reviewed, favorited, and followed me through this little journey back into fanfiction writing. I'm not sure how successful this story was, but I had fun writing it. I've got some other stories in the works, so I hope you'll all keep an eye out! Thanks for reading!

Second edit note: You know, I never noticed this before, but I have something really important to say: If you let a guy come inside you, definitely don't sit on your nice couch afterward. ^^; Also, this chapter contained a reference to the quote, "The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club," which is obviously from Fight Club.