America Has Two Nuts, by Dickfart
America has two nuts.
A left nut, and a right nut.
All the space that makes up his body, except from stolen enhancements that make up part of the Caribbean and Polynesia for now, has a say in which of these two nuts gets to be a dominant nut, or the dominut, if you will. America has tried and failed many times to produce a third nut to keep the current two in check. Alas, his nut-growing capabilities are nut meant to be. Seldom few rogue cells put in the effort. Their efforts were all for nut.
So America's current dominut is his right nut. Many of you out there know it as his worst nut. I couldn't agree more.
Some parts of America claim they agree with right nut philosophy, but not current right nut staff and the nutty choices they make. They claim to be the alt-nut these days, and they're nut very bright. You'd be wise to ignore them.
America's previous dominut, the left nut, made a grave error one year. They were too pompous, too arrogant, too out of touch with America's nose, and ears, and toes. Yes, we know it's hot and smelly in the toes, but that doesn't mean the ci-toe-zins do nut matter.
The alt-nut would like to remind you that All Toes Matter, thank you very much. And also that they're nut racist. You can tell which ones are racist by picking out those who must remind us that they're nut racist. There's no crime to defend if none is given, so sayeth the law of the pretty man land and the yaoi hands he calls Texass and Alasska. Oh wait. Those are nut his hands. Those are his asschecks. Tee hee.
In the flaccid swing state of Florida, which America has aptly named his Raging Florida, presided over by one Dick Smegma, the leader of Florida. Like America, Dick Smegma finds himself a nice male anus in which to insert his Florida. That does nut make him gay, though. He is a good Christian Smegma, thank you very much. As such, he votes to ban gay marriage. America himself disagrees, because one day a handsome black man filled his heart with joy, and his Raging Florida with happy, tingly feelings. Chuck Tingly feelings.
His right nut was furious! America would go eight long years without playing with him. Without paying attention, or caring about him. That would nut do! Clearly this was right nut oppression from left nut COMMUNISTS! Because everything the right nut doesn't agree with is a Communist.
The right, as nuthurt as ever, sent trillions of signals to his brain called propaganda. Propaganda divides like cells. Propaganda is born of propaganda. It reproduces at a rate that would make a rodent blush. Fox News, Breitbart, Infowars. These flaws in the Matrix caused propaganda to divide and reproduce, divide and reproduce, divide and reproduce, until a malignant tumor grabbed his throat and silenced his voice. He would become nut driven. Right nut driven. His thoughts? His voice? Silenced.
America's conscious mind still tried to filter these signals, but pain and uncertainty flooded his body. This made him fearful. Suddenly his mind was reeling with great, scary thoughts that made him cry, and made him mad. He didn't know what to believe. His eyes were spinning.
His good friend Britain decided to take him out on the town one night. Help him clear his head. Chew the fat about the royal family. Little beer, little wine, shoot the shit, fuck the French. You know. But then Britain took a hit of ecstacy and decided pummeling his Scotland, his Ireland, and his Wales and waging his dick in their faces was the very best idea, to assert his dominance. That was the night Brexit happened, too. Make Britain Great Again.
America was intrigued.
After many a drink, and Britain stumbled off to drool in a ditch somewhere, America encountered his uneasy friend, well, ally?: Russia. And you know what he said?
"My words. My thoughts. What is all of this? Help me. I'm so confused."
"OK," said Russia, whose dick released the Syberian tundra of all ejaculations on command. It was nut as pretty as the tundra, though. Each sperm impregnated a fake social media account spewing alt-nut bullshit to confuse the masses of America even more. It was a lot like smoking pot, only with consequences that matter.
Currently, America stands in something of a drug-induced limbo, helpless to steer the vessel that was his body, lead drunkenly and sloppily by right nut policies that cause rapid growth in cancer and general malaise. Also, he has Russia's fist buried deep in his ass now, and the sexual pleasure from this is wearing out fast. People are watching. There's a Cold War in Mianus.
But we can end this madness, for a realm of but two nuts has a secret weapon when one, or both nuts cause more trouble than they're worth. Cut off the sperm tube from one, the other will shrivel and die. Their relationship is symbiotic. They must work together to survive. They keep each other relevant by fighting for which of them gets the next yaoi hand grab. Cut the head off of one and both are done, for one cannot cum across the country without the other. It's nut possible.
A/N: Japan is the clear winner of this story. He's creating animu, robots, more animu, video games, computers, slot machines, cars, Super Sentai, hentai animu, sushi, Pokemon, yaoi, manga, yaoi manga, game shows, grass in a can, green tea Kitkat bars, and panty vending machines as we speak. Good job, Japan.