Summary: My zombie Schnee heiress girlfriend can't be this cute!

My Zombie Schness Heiress Girlfriend Can't Be This Cute!

Written from the perspective of Jaune Arc

"I-It's not like I'd die for you or something… again… b-baka!"

At least, that's what I hoped Weiss was saying as we were eating some ice cream. Okay, I say we were eating ice cream but it was really just me eating ice cream. Weiss was smashing her banana flavored ice cream against her face before moaning "Brraaaiiiinsssss!"

Typical females. That was obviously codeword for "Tehehehe! I want to go shopping!" Naturally I obliged. After tossing my ice cream into the bin, I did the gentlemanly thing and wiped the smudges of ice cream melted onto Weiss' placid cheeks. Her skin was paler than usual but instead of looking of a deathly soulless corpse, Weiss looked even more radiant and beautiful and lively than ever!

Grabbing Weiss' leash, I pulled her towards the mall. She made a lunge for a kindergarten class passing us by. I tugged her back on track. Silly Weiss, you can't hug the kindergartners! Plus how can you hug them if they're all screaming and running away from you while you're shambling? Silly Weiss!


We entered the shoe store. Trust me, I know how real, living women operate and living always women want shoes.

I sat Weiss down onto a bench. Then I tied the leash around her to secure her clawing arms. They scratched my face a little. I then wandered around looking for help. Funny thing about these stores, employees and salespersons are usually nowhere to be found. At least I found someone working in the back stacking boxes.

"Hello! My girlfriend and I are looking to buy some shoes. Well, she's the one looking for shoes really…" I said with a laugh.

"Happens a lot, where is she?"

"Now, I think she wants something classy. She comes a wealthy family," I said as we walked down the shoe aisles.

The attendant gave a polite smile as I guided her back to where I strapped down Weiss.

"Of course sir, is there a particular brand your girlfr- JESUS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT?"


By the gods! What nerve!

"Excuse me!" I said brushing a finger up to her nose. "But my girlfriend has a medical condition! Now according to the Living-Dead Equal Rights Act, the Undead are a protected group! Now I demand that you sell her some shoes."

"Are you insane?"

"No…," I said sitting down besides Weiss, gently stroking her molting hair. "I just love my girlfriend." I gave Weiss a soft peck on her leathery cheek.

"You're insane."

"If you refuse us, I will sue you. I will get my family lawyers and I will sue you so hard your children will get sued! I demand to speak to your manager!"

"I am the manager."

"Fire yourself!"

The manager rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine, let's try on some shoes. What size is… your… thing."


"She's not a thing she's-"

"Yeah, yeah, your girlfriend. Whatever. What size?"

"Well Weiss? Tell the nice lady what size you wear."

"Brraaaiiiinsssss!" Weiss whispers into my ear. She took a bigger chunk than usual today.

"She's a size 8," I said as blood dripped onto the floor.

The manager quickly left and returned with an armful of size 8 shoes.

"All these shoes are on the house. Take them all. Try them at home. Just leave. Please. Please."

Jaune shook his head. "I appreciate the offer but an Arc always pays… only after he makes sure the shoe fits of course."

The manager took a deep breath before kneeling. She took a shoe at random and then attempted to force the shoe. Weiss' toe looked a bit bloated. Maybe she drank too much water earlier? All she had today was the usual blood and oats.

"It appears her feet are too big."

"Are you calling my girlfriend fat?"

"She's literally just skin and bones, are you insane - Oh wait yes, of course you are. What am I saying?" The manager thew her arms up and rolled her eyes. "Look, the shoes don't fit. We can get a bigger size or-"

I ripped off some skin and meat off Weiss' foot. Green blood oozed out of the lesions. I pressed the shoe sole against her beautiful footbed. Weiss' toes are so cute. All six of them.

"It looks like it fits now," I said affixing the shoes onto Weiss. "See! You're not fat at all Weiss. You're just perfect."

"Brraaaiiiinsssss! Brraaaiiiinsssss!"

"Get the fuck out of my store."

After that, we decided to visit some of the boutiques. Weiss loved her expensive brand names so I just let her loose in the store. She loves grabbing clothes. Sometimes she's so excited to try on clothes she grabs people too by accident. She also builds an appetite while shopping so it's no surprise she sometimes takes a bite out of people when she's getting into her shopping zone. Shopping therapy works folks!

While Weiss went in to buy some - ahem - unmentionables, I waited by a bench listening to my usual tunes just tapping the rhythm on my knees.


"Oh, hey Weiss." Weiss finally returned, I realized she was wearing a new trench coat. "Nice coat. But isn't a bit too hot for a trench coat? You know if you get too sweaty you end up smelling like death."

Weiss, seemingly caught in a throw of passion, ripped over her trench coat with her claw-like fingers.


"W-Weiss! Stop ripping off your clothes!" I did my best to keep her decent as the mall-goers around her began screaming. "We can't do our special bear-bear dance in public!" I hissed. Bear-bear dance was our special little name for - you know - the devil's tango… the hanky panky… Dot Dot Dot, Dot, Dash Dot Dot Dash… S-E-X… oh god that was embarassing...

"Brraaaiiiinsssss! Brraaaiiiinsssss!"

Weiss refused to stop tearing off her clothes. It revealed white floral patterned unmentionables. I have to say, Weiss has really upped her odor game. She smells just like spring lilies by a babbling brook.

Maybe Weiss was a exhibitionist? Sigh, I can't say I don't find her new tastes… interesting.

"Weiss… Okay, I get it you're hungry," I observed after she tried to take a chomp out of my frontal lobe. "What do you want for dinner?"


"I don't really like weird places like that. Oh I know, how about we compromise and get Chinese?"


"Okay, I see your point. Hmmm, do you have a second option?"


"I don't really like the carbs but if you want Italian, we can get Italian. Anything for you, snookums," I said planning a kiss on her half-nose.


We went to the downtown and found a nice Italian joint. We were seated by a host that quickly walked to the bathroom. Typical minimum wage restaurant staff. Pfft. They do one thing then it's break time. I was concerned about the safety rating though. The Health Rating said this place scored an A+ on the last inspection but the host that just seated us was very loudly vomiting in the restroom. I don't want to get any germs!

A new waiter approached.

"Hello, my name is Cinder," she said with a roll of her eye. She only had one eye. The other was covered by an eyepatch. "What'll you be having? Can I get you something to drink? Something to start with?" I frowned. This Cinder character sounded like she was reading off a script.


"No! Bad Weiss! Stop eating the plates!"

Cinder just stood, emotionless and passive. "The spaghetti and meatballs, ma'am?"


"Right… and you sir?"

"I'll have what the pretty lady is having," I said with a wink towards Weiss who was chewing through the bread basket.

"Very good," she said before walking away.

Soon our plates of spaghetti and meatballs were delivered and Weiss got a good two to three mouthfuls (a new record!) before spitting it out. "Brraaaiiiinsssss!" she moaned. "Brraaaiiiinsssss!"

"Is there a problem, sir?" asked Cinder who returned with two diet cokes. I was watching my weight.

"Oh. I think my girlfriend found the meatballs too overcooked. I think she's in a beef mood today. Do you have any steak?"

Cinder nodded. "We got the whole cow. What cut do you want, ma'am?" asked Cinder turning to Weiss.

"Brraaaiiiinsssss! Brraaaiiiinsssss! Brraaaiiiinsssss!"

"16 oz Porterhouse with a 32 oz Ribeye, all blue rare kissed-by-fire with a side of raw bacon," Cinder repeated Weiss' order perfectly. "I think I should advise you ma'am that eating raw bacon could lead to complications in the event of pregnancy."

"Oh, we're very safe," I interrupted. Cinder turned and looked at me. "I mean, that is to say, we use protection."

Cinder looked at me. She didn't move a few seconds. Then nodded before turning to Weiss.

"I'll go get your steaks ma'am."


Weiss really loves her steaks. She especially loves them as rare as possible. Any rarer and you might have to check if it's still moo-ing and send it back to the farm! Haha! I crack myself up...

I tipped Cinder an extra twenty. She seemed like a swell gal with a go-get-em personality.

Now it was night and we returned back to my place.

It was finally time for that.

You know, the naughty stuff you should only do with someone you REALLY, REALLY love?

I strapped Weiss to the bed as was the usual foreplay.

Weiss is a bit of a pillow princess. If you don't know what a pillow princess is, please allow me to explain. Basically the old person term for this was 'deadfish'. But Weiss obviously isn't dead. In fact, 'deadfish' is an offensive term. She's UNdead. There's a difference! Jeez, get over your pro-life privilege will ya?

Well anyways, I strap Weiss to the bed. She resisted a little. I know people say 'no means no' but Weiss likes to put up a bit of a struggle. Today she bit a off a good chunk of my palm. That's okay. I like a bit of a fight.

"Good night my darling," I said as she nibbles on my cheek. My little snow fox broke skin and got blood.

Positioning myself, I began doing my usual moves and awesome techniques.

"Weiss… Weiss…. Oh by the gods! Weiss! It's… It's so wet and hot… Weiss," I gasped. "Weiss!"


"Me too… me too! I… I can feel it…Weiss…. Weiss…!


"BRAINNNNNNNNSSSS" we scream in unison.

I collapsed beside her in the afterglow of our lovemaking.

"I love you Weiss," I said with a soft feathery kiss on her lips.

She tore off my tongue.

My Zombie Schness Heiress Girlfriend Can't Be This Cute! Fin