AN: I know, I know, I have two stories that need updating, but as I'm supposed to be thinking about dark and gloomy stuff for Save me...from me I felt the need to get this bit of humor out of my system... so here you go! Pointless bit of metafiction that completely does NOT take itself seriously.
Let me know what you think, review's feed the author! Especially constructive criticism with regard to what is lacking in this story? Compactness of expression? Too long-winded for a joke? Not hilarious enough to be an obvious parody?
P.s. I actually intended this to be a drabble at first but it seems I am unable to write short. Huh, maybe I should work on that.
Just Another Day at Hogwarts
Minerva felt that she can barely drag herself into her rooms she was so tired. She seriously contemplated taking advantage of the fact that she's Headmistress and just apparating to her rooms. 'But then again... won't I splinch myself?' She wondered, weighing the pros and cons, thinking about approximately how many more steps it would take to reach her little sanctuary where she was awaited by a comfortable sofa, a nice steaming hot...tea, and of course her equally wonderful wife. 'Bah, am I Minerva McGonagall or am I not?' She thought defiantly as she collected all of her remaining energy to shift the wards of Hogwarts and apparate into her living room.
Hermione let out an undignified squeak in surprise as she ran face first into an unexpectedly appearing Minerva McGonagall with the full force of her determined stride. She stumbled back after essentially head butting the nose of said animagus, who, much to Hermione's relief, was in full possession of her reflexes and managed to grab and steady her with a single hand, as the other was quite busy nursing her sore nose.
"Well...that wasn't exactly the welcome I was hoping for, Sweetheart!" She said teasingly, dramatically overdoing the nasal sounds one would expect to hear from someone with a broken nose.
"Well it isn't exactly my fault that Miss-I'm-queen-of-this-castle decided to just drop in on me like that now, is it?" Hermione teased right back, grinning at her wife.
Both witches had their legs unceremoniously propped up on the coffee table that was positioned exactly to serve that purpose. It had become their late night custom to snuggle on the couch in front of a roaring fire as they chatted about their respective days. Hermione had just finished telling her wife a story about the abysmally foolish Ministry associates that left Minerva giggling – something that she only allowed the one witch to witness.
"And what about you?" Hermione said, smiling at the adorable sound her love had emitted.
"Shite, you wouldn't imagine it... I swear these kids are getting more and more terrible by the minute." Minerva grumbled good-naturedly. She had hoped that the after the Weasley twins she'd have a bit of a respite but the new generation seemed to give the twins a good run for their money.
"Oh?" Hermione said, an eyebrow raised in question.
"Well there was Miss Thompson, Slytherin, sent to my office, for poisoning Mr Prewitt with a love potion..." Minerva started.
Hermione sported a rather amused expression as she could not help remembering Ron's encounter with Romilda Vane's potion.
"And I wasn't even halfway done with her when suddenly a bludger came crashing through my window!" Minerva exclaimed for dramatic effect. "I had to dive to push Miss Thompson out of the way, lest she be shredded by the shower of shards!"
Hermione's eyes bugged out of her head, instinctively checking visible skin for any damage.
"Don't worry yourself, luv, I came out of THAT battle unscathed..." Minerva intoned, implying that worse was to come.
It took her a good solid half an hour to explain exactly how was it that after dismissing Miss Thompson with a fortnight's detention she went in pursuit of the one responsible for the wayward bludger. Naturally, she had done that by turning into her animagus form and taking the shortest possible way, climbed down the roofs, only for her ears to be assaulted by a terrible noise coming from a group of far too happy seventh years'. She stealthily snuck closer and to her utter mortification they were all huddled around a magically barricaded area where they were watching a Cornish Pixie fight, cheering on the one they put their bets on. After confiscating the rather large sum of galleons and sending the troublemakers to report at Hagrid's hut for detention, she continued her pursuit of the idiot who had the bad luck to shatter HER glass window.
After she found out that the offending object had been sent in her office's direction by the Gryffindor team's captain Minerva had a considerable headache, as she knew that Gryffindor needed to practice if they were to win the Quidditch cup next week so she satisfied herself by reprimanding the little sod and giving him detention that started immediately after the last Quidditch game.
Not being tired yet, Minerva then proceeded to answer ALL her correspondence, including the last bits that Severus and Albus had left her with, then rounded up every single couple she could find in broom closets, a total of twelve couples, forcing them chose whether they wanted to write a letter to their parents detailing exactly what they had been caught at or attend a four weekend long sex education course. Unsurprisingly, most of the chose to attend the course.
Afterwards she went to the library as she had promised Madam Pince before breakfast that she would show her a spell she had recently developed to reinforce books' protections charms against vandalism. Her dear friend had been quite put off after having found a volume that portrayed her in a rather crude drawing across no less than twenty five pages that – if turned fast enough – turned into a motion picture of her with a stick going up her ass.
Minerva was not amused when her otherwise compassionate wife loudly guffawed, spitting a mouthful of tea across the table upon that particular story. "The poor woman was about to hand in her resignation!" Minerva exclaimed indignantly.
Hermione finally managed to pull a straight face. "I'm sorry dear, I mean that was very wrong indeed, very wrong of them!"
Somewhat pacified, Minerva rounded up her story about vigilantly roaming the corridors for young people out after curfew which of course resulted in an abundance of further detentions.
Hermione whistled in admiration. "Well-well Minerva, what a day. I dare say that was very Mary Sue, even for you..." She said slyly.
"Merry what?" Minerva asked, puzzled.
"Not Merry, Mary. Mary Sue?" Hermione asked again.
"No idea what you're on about." Minerva admitted honestly.
"It's a muggle thing actually. Thought you might know...what with you being all perfect today" Hermione said, winking flirtatiously. "It comes from what muggles call fanfiction and it refers to badly written over-idealized characters who are too perfect, often achieving heroic feats that defy any sort of realistic probability." Hermione slipped into lecture mode. If she was being honest she loved explaining muggle things to magical folk to a fault.
Somewhere around the middle of the explanation a rather goofy looking grin started spreading across Minerva's features and by the end of Hermione's description she erupted in a hearty belly laugh. "Oh...hah... Herm...Sweh..." She tried to speak between giggles.
Hermione, on her part, waited for her wife to calm down to get an explanation. When Minerva had her breathing under control again she finally spoke up. "My love, that was a fantastic ending to a terrible day... although I certainly do not see myself as a Mary SUE, have I ever told you that my full name is... Minerva Mary McGonagall?"
PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! It gets my creative juices going!