Luigi, by Dickfart
Luigi is many things, my friends. Such as Italian. Have you ever met an Italian person? Ah spaghetti. Ah ravioli. Ah mama mia.
Luigi is also the brother of Mario. He has survived decades of Mario's sociopathic, destructive tendencies and his rancid gas. Decades, I said! You couldn't possibly be so badass as to survive the miasma of pony farts, or the great fartening of Rainbow Road. Not to mention Mario can fart in 500 non-Italian languages. How many languages can C-3PO fart in? That's right, ZERO. Droids don't fart, dumbass.
Did I mention Luigi is a lady killer? Or he would be, but he's gay. Him and Link got married some time back in whatsits, I don't remember. I was high at the time. But anyway. Luigi takes it in the ass, bareback. Y'all motherfuckers don't have pliant enough sphincters to take in the most eligible bachelor of Hyrule, who Luigi woo'd, married, and impregnated. Fuck you weasel ass mother fuckers!
Luigi vacuums ghosts while Mario's useless bitchass gets killed by them.
Luigi is number 2 in name only. He doesn't have shit in his soul like the rest of you.
Luigi died for your sins and you should all be grateful. If you don't attend the Church of Luigi every Sunday and donate ten percent of your coins to his greatness, you will burn in Hell. That is to say, you will be sentenced to exist in the world of Bubsy 3D after you die, so pay your motherfucking respects to your lord and savior Luigi-sama.
Furthermore, Luigi has a fantastic mustache. A mustache none of you patchy, greasy neckbeards could hope to achieve. You might want to tend to the Doritos crumbs gathering in your gut hairs and bellybutton. You're starting to smell like old socks soaked in spoiled milk.
Last, but not least, Luigi wears green. Green is the most visible color on the light spectrum. Respect green. If you don't respect green then get the fuck out of my house. And take the bag of cat turds with you!
Luigi is a saint, and you are all pond scum compared to him.
Fuck you all for talking shit! You know what? I'm done here. You all go to hell. Enjoy Bubsy 3D. Enjoy Superman 64. Enjoy Ohio. Fuck all of you!