Author's Note: James Bond's appearance here will be inspired by Sean Connery's portrayal of the character.

Felix Leiter's appearance will be inspired as he appeared in the Dynamite Entertainment comics series.

"No One Lives Forever" was a first-person shooter that came out back in 2000 and was followed by a sequel called "No One Lives Forever 2: A Spy in H.A.R.M.'s Way," again both long forgotten titles by this point.

Anyways, now on with the story!


(A dark-haired man in a black tuxedo walks into view, only to abruptly turn to the screen, point his gun and shoot.)

James Bond: The sly super spy with a license to kill who covertly serves the Crown's best interests...

(Bond is shown sneaking around outside an outpost, dropping a guard with a single shot from his silenced Walther before dropping another standing nearby.)


(A brunette woman in a white and orange outfit stands with a pistol in hand, lowering her shades to wink at the camera.)

Cate Archer: The seductive ex-cat burglar turned spy who has thwarted numerous attempts at world domination.

(Cate is shown sneaking through an office before creeping up on a guard and stabbing him in the back of the neck with her barrette.)


Here in our elite fight club, we have gathered doctors, scientists and weapons experts to test out the lethal arsenals wielded by each of our combatants to determine who would win a fight when two fictional warriors go head to head.

No rules. No safety. No mercy. It's a duel to the death to decide who is...THE FICTIONAL DEADLIEST WARRIOR!

Using 21st century science, we will see what happens when two warriors clash in a simulated battle:

James Bond

First Appearance: Casino Royale (1953)

Organization: MI6

Main Adversary: SPECTRE

Alias: 007

Cate Archer

First Appearance: The Operative: No One Lives Forever (2000)

Organization: U.N.I.T.Y.

Main Adversary: H.A.R.M.

Alias: The Fox

"Today is Spy vs. Spy," biomedical scientist Bradley Foster started, "Both of these combatants are considered the best agents to ever serve in their respective organizations. They have been all over the world, fought numerous powerful crime bosses, and have thwarted elaborate plots aimed at world domination or trigger massive conflicts."

"As you put it, these are two of the best field operatives to ever come out of their respective organizations," trauma doctor Joseph Kaiser continued, "They are both well trained in different forms of combat, weapons experts, have the physical skills that have enabled them to survive plenty of dangerous situations, yet at the same time they are still different. Bond is a far more experienced operative with a very calm and calculated approach, whereas Cate has shown to be reckless and impulsive at times."

"Being that these are two elite secret agents we're talking about here, we're talking about high-tech gadgetry unlike the normal conventional weapons we're used to seeing on here. I'm eager to see what they're capable of and how these things work," computer expert Eddie Cortez added.

"It's looking to be an interesting matchup. Let's get it under way," Eddie concluded.

The camera cuts to a man with ear-length blond hair and a prosthetic right arm, wearing a gray colored blazer and blue jeans. He has a Walther PPK in hand and is checking over the sights.

Representing James Bond will be Felix Leiter.

A former CIA operative, Leiter has assisted the legendary super spy on a number of his famed exploits.

"James Bond is known for making the impossible possible. This Archer lady has no idea what she is up against," Felix smirked.

The son of Andrew Bond and Monique Delacroix, the future secret agent was orphaned at an early age and later raised by his aunt. Receiving his early education abroad and later attending two universities, James Bond would join the Ministry of Defence and rise through the ranks to become commander of the Royal Naval Volunteer Reserves. Applying for a position in the Secret Intelligence Service, he became a part of the ultra secretive Black Ops group known as the "Double-O" branch, being assigned the codename "007."

"MI6 knew they had something extraordinary in James Bond – even in spite of his well known...vices," Felix spoke.

It was very early on in his career, he would come to clash with the secretive group SPECTRE, battling several of their high-ranking members ranging from the nuclear scientist Dr. No to the organization's leader Ernst Stavro Blofeld, continuing to fight them all throughout their existence.

"Bond has seen it all and done it all. Don't be fooled by the suave exterior – he didn't earn his license to kill by asking nicely," Felix concluded.

The famed secret agent comes into battle with an arsenal of dependable firearms and lethal gadgets created by MI6's most brilliant inventors:

Short Range: Fairbairn-Sykes Fighting Knife

Mid Range: Walther PPK

Long Range: Sterling L2A3

Explosive: Mini-Rocket Cigarette

Special Weapon: Laser Wristwatch

But how will 007 fare when pitted against an agent who went on to prove herself through a series of daring adventures?

The camera focuses on a bald older man with a gray beard and mustache wearing a tan suit jacket with a yellow sweater underneath.

Representing Cate Archer will be UNITY field operative and later director, Bruno Lawrie.

A veteran operative, Bruno would "discover" Cate during her days as a cat burglar and would later become her mentor.

"Miss Archer was recruited into UNITY at a time when there were no other female agents. She had something to prove from day one and she was determined that no one would stand in her way," Bruno spoke.

Born into nobility as the daughter of Lord William Archer and Catherine Anne MacDougal, Cate Archer's early life was anything but pleasant as the family was marred by financial struggles and the early death of her mother. It was following her father's suicide at age 14, she was sent to an orphanage and shuffled between foster homes before she ran away to assume a life of crime as a pickpocket and cat burglar, developing a reputation that saw her hired out by gangs and crime syndicates as "The Fox."

"It was a tough life filled with constant danger, but it hardened her and left her ready to expect anything," Bruno spoke.

Fate would change the course of her life when she stole the watch of veteran UNITY field agent Bruno Lawrie, who tracked her down and apprehended her. Impressed and intrigued by her skill and bravery, Lawrie saw to have her enlisted in the spy group's training program. Starting out with small, mundane tasks, Archer would eventually be promoted to field work, where she clashed with the terrorist organization H.A.R.M. and would thwart their plot for world domination through "Project: Lambda," as well as their plot to kickstart World War III between NATO and the Soviet Union.

"It was a long, difficult journey, but in the end she proved herself to be one of the most competent undercover operatives UNITY ever had to offer," Bruno concluded.

The sultry undercover agent comes to battle equipped with an arsenal combining contemporary firearms with some of UNITY's own devious inventions:

Short Range: Barrette

Mid Range: Shepherd Arms 9mm

Long Range: Hampton MPL

Explosive: Lipstick Explosive

Special Weapon: Mascara Stun Gun

When both secret agents were forced to take their enemies at close range, they relied upon trusted blades to take them down.

For 007, he used a double-edged fighting knife trusted by British Commandos, the Fairbairn-Sykes Fighting Knife.

(James is shown dodging knife slashes from a KGB agent before stabbing the man in his gut with his own fighting knife.)

Fairbairn-Sykes Fighting Knife


Length: 11.5 in. (7 in. blade)

Weight: 9.1 oz.

Material: Steel

"007 was an expert with any knife you put in his hands, but he was particularly fond of this kind," Felix said showing his knife to the panelists, "It resembles a dagger and has been frequently described as a stiletto. It's got a tapered point that makes it ideal for thrusting, but also well enough for it to slash effectively."

"It looks pretty nasty and we've got a test to show off what your knife can do," Bradley said as a ballistic gel torso was pushed into view, "We want to gauge your knife's stabbing and slashing power and are giving you 15 seconds to do so."

"007 wouldn't need 15 seconds, but sure thing," Felix nodded and took his position.

"Alright Felix, hack 'em up!'

Felix drove the tip of his blade into the target's chest before getting behind it and quietly stabbing it in the back before withdrawing his blade and cupping his hand over its mouth like he would an actual person before drawing his blade across its throat. He then delivered one final stab to the dummy's temple before Bradley called out "Time!"

Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done.

"Your first strike is going right between this guy's ribs and right into the heart! It's a very smooth stab also with no visible damage to the ribs and pinpoint precision. I see the same thing with your strike to this guy's back, which is clipping the very base of his heart for another quick, clean kill he would never suspect, along with even the blow you delivered to this guy's temple. You also show some surgical finesse with how you sliced this guy's throat open. You did so in a way that didn't have blood gushing out," the good doctor remarked in amazement.

"Bond may be a killer, but he likes to do so with a certain delicacy and elegance, especially when you need a job carried out when other people are nearby," Felix replied.

"Indeed, that was a smooth execution, but Ms. Archer would do even better, and she would do so with a nifty gadget Mr. Bond would never expect," Bruno chimed in.

To answer 007's challenge, Cate Archer slashes back with a devious device disguised as an every day womens' fashion accessory, the Barrette.

(Cate is shown sneaking up behind a Moroccan HARM agent and removing her barrette before slashing into the man's throat.)



Length: 4 in. (4 in. blade)

Weight: 2.9 oz.

Material: Steel

Bruno and the panelists were shown standing in front of a table lined with seemingly ordinary womens' accessories. A man with thick glasses in a white lab coat and yellow hard hat takes a barrette off the table and hands it to Bruno.

"Thank you, Santa," Bruno nodded accepting the hair clip.

"Really?" Felix scoffed staring at the clip, "I think you're too late for one of those, Pops."

Bruno smirked and gave the clip a light squeeze, causing a blade to pop out.

"Wow, I've never seen anything like that!" Eddie gasped.

"Indeed, this can't be found anywhere else," Bruno replied, "This seemingly ordinary barrette has been developed by UNITY's own divison of gadgetry. It's design allows Ms. Archer to walk around in public without arousing suspicion. It's actually a multi-functional tool with a lockpicking mechanism for bypassing most simple locks. Though when the need arises, it carries a concealed blade coated in a deadly toxin released into the bloodstream. It's silent, deadly and stylish."

"Well then we've got a similar test for you," Bradley said as a ballistic gel bust was pushed into view, "We want to see how effective this weapon can be against a target."

"Believe me, I won't need 15 seconds to accomplish that task," Bruno spoke up while getting into position.

"Alright then, Bruno. When you are ready," Bradley replied.

Bruno shot the barrette's blade out across the target's throat, followed by the cascade of red. He then slashed the target's face just beneath its eye before drawing back and concealing his blade.

"That blade went deeper than I thought it would for as small as it is," Dr. Kaiser said observing the clean slice across the target's throat, "A clean cut right through the windpipe for a quick bleed out."

He then focused on the slash to the target's face, "On the surface, this would be a non-lethal attack, but then that's where the toxin comes into play. He would never know what was actually hitting him as the toxin enters his bloodstream. Either way, if the blade itself doesn't kill you, the toxin will."

"A verifiable one-two punch," Eddie added.

"When you've been doing this as long as 007, I'm sure he'll expect any tricks your friend has to offer," Felix spoke up.

"I wouldn't be so sure, given your colleague's well known vices," Bruno smirked.

Both blades proved their overall effectiveness, but where do our panelists stand?

"While the Fairbairn-Sykes is proven effective in a battle, the barrette though brings an element of surprise nobody would expect. This is too close for me and I'm calling it even," Bradley started.

"I agree. The Fairbairn-Sykes has the versatility in terms of combat use, but the barrette's element of surprise and added toxin keeps it on even footing despite it having the shorter blade. Edge even," Dr. Kaiser seconded.

"As I've stated before, you've got yourselves a one-two punch with the barrette: if the blade doesn't kill you, the toxin will. The Fairbairn-Sykes though, can stab as effectively as it does with slashing to keep things even on both ends," Eddie concluded.

In short range weapons, our warriors are even.

Coming up, both combatants draw their trusted sidearms in a mid-ranged shootout.


James Bond, the debonair super spy and Cate Archer, the determined upstart, two agents set to clash in a battle of the elite.

"James Bond is a legend in the spy game. He was selected for a number of highly dangerous operations because of his multitude of skills. Ms. Archer only got her chance because her bosses were low on manpower," Felix spoke.

"Cate Archer proved herself faster than any other operative who had ever passed through our agency. While Mr. Bond would be off chasing some dames, she would have been learning everything she could to improve and show she was worthy of being among UNITY's ranks," Bruno replied.

When situations got hot and both agents were forced into a gunfight, they had their trusted sidearms to get them through.

For Cate Archer, she had the standard sidearm of UNITY at her disposal, the Shepherd Arms 9mm.

(Cate is shown quietly dropping an East German guard with a shot to the back of the head, before two of his colleagues suddenly appear and she drops them both in rapid succession.)

Shepherd Arms 9mm


Length: 8.5 in.

Weight: 1 lb. 12 oz.

Cartridge: 9x19 Parabellum

Capacity: 10 Rounds

"This gun was used extensively by Allied covert operatives during the war and later became a staple among UNITY agents," Bruno said showing his gun to the panelists, "It is easily concealed and very reliable."

"Now it's time to see how effective it is in action," Bradley said motioning to a course behind him, "We've set up a scenario where a high-ranking terrorist lieutenant is holed up in a hotel room. In addition to him, there are numerous bodyguards and civilians present. The course ends once you've eliminated the lieutenant."

"Consider it done, dear boy," Bruno said taking his position and screwing a silencer onto the Shepherd's barrel.

"Alright Bruno, on 3...2...1, take 'em down!"

Bruno stepped out from behind the wall he was hugging and fired a single shot through the head of a terrorist guard before making his way down the hallway. A door to his left swung open and he was met by another terrorist, only to quickly drop the target with two shots to the chest. He approached the hall's end and was about to turn left when he was cut off by a target dressed as a bellhop.

Bruno grunted and pushed his way past the civilian target before coming upon another hostile that he dropped with a shot to the head. He moved further along until two doors opened simultaneously, both containing hostile targets while a civilian target dressed as a maid moved into view from a distance. The veteran agent had to think quick while being careful and fired what remained of his clip, two of his bullets striking one hostile and one striking the other.

The veteran operative took the time to reload his pistol before moving along and hugging the wall before making another left turn and moving down past another civilian target in a Hawaiian shirt before coming to another corner and finding a door guarded by two hostiles. He popped out and dropped the first target with two shots before firing two shots at the other, only one of his shots connecting. He then forced his way past the targets and threw the hotel room door open, where the terrorist lieutenant spun around on its base and he dropped it with two to the chest.

"Done!" Bruno called out.

"Time! 15 seconds!" Bradley called back.

Dr. Kaiser made his way in to assess the damage done to the targets, "I am seeing an instant kill shot with your first target, along with your second guy being finished by tightly grouped shots and then your third guy being dropped with a shot to the head. With your not-so-dynamic duo, you've got one instant kill and your other guy you got just by sheer luck alone. Your only bullet that hit him tore through his carotid for a quick bleed out.

"And it was just as you had fired your last round. Talk about lucky timing," Bradley commented.

"Sounds like I'll need to bring you along next time I go to buy a lottery ticket," Eddie added.

Dr. Kaiser continued, "And your last two guards were dropped with lethal rounds to the chest, and the same can be said of your lieutenant. All in all, you have 8 dead hostiles and no civilian casualties. Good job!"

"That was some good shooting, I'll give that to you. But James Bond has been doing this a lot longer than your friend and he would have had those guys finished off much sooner," Felix spoke.

To answer Archer's challenge, James Bond returns fire with his iconic sidearm, the Walther PPK.

(James is shown eliminating an assassin disguised as a waiter with a silenced shot from his Walther PPK.)

Walther PPK


Length: 6.1 in.

Weight: 1.31 lbs.

Cartridge: .32 ACP

Capacity: 7 Rounds

"Bond initially used a Beretta as his primary sidearm before ditching it in favor of the Walther PPK," Felix said showing off his pistol to the panelists, "It operates on a straight blowback system and was among the world's first successful double action semi-automatic pistols."

"It's the same test for you, Felix. You have to eliminate a terrorist lieutenant while taking out his bodyguards and avoid harming innocent bystanders," Bradley spoke.

"Roger that," Felix said taking his position and screwing a silencer onto his Walther's barrel.

"Alright Felix, on 3...2...1, shoot 'em up!"

Felix stepped into the open and was met by a hostile target, firing two shots into its chest before he was halted by a civilian target he had to force his way around before encountering another hostile, which he dropped with two rounds to the chest. He was just approaching the end and about to make a left turn when a door to his right exploded open and he was met by another hostile target, dropping the target with his last three rounds before he was forced to hug his back against the wall and reload.

With his gun reloaded, he turned left only to be met by two hostile targets and he fired in a flurry, managing to strike both targets before another door opened and an innocent bystander stepped into view, prompting him to halt his attack. Another door would open less than a split second later and another hostile stepped into view. Felix managed to get a shot off before his gun suddenly clicked empty and he was forced back into cover to reload before stepping out again and firing two rounds into the hostile's head.

Felix continued along until he came to a corner and took a right, only to find a civilian target standing in front of two hostiles guarding the hotel room entrance. Having to think quick, he fired a round into the head of the closest target before switching gears and firing two shots into the chest of the second hostile. Forced to reload again, the agent kicked the room's door open and was met by the terrorist lieutenant spinning around to meet him, only to be halted by two rounds to the chest.

"Done!" Felix called out.

"21 seconds," Bradley called back.

Dr. Kaiser again made his way over to assess the damage done to the targets, "With your first 3 hostiles, you dropped them all with close grouped shots to their center mass, in vital areas to cause instant kills. As we move further along, with your first duo, you killed your first guy again with another center mass cluster, but your second guy is where things go downhill," he mentions while pointing out only a small chunk torn out of the other target's side, "With this guy, you only managed to score a grazing shot. It's going to hurt like hell, but it's not a kill and could possibly leave him in a position to still fight back."

"With your following targets, I'm again seeing instant kill shots and when we get to the lieutenant, it's the same M.O. Altogether, we have 7 dead hostiles, one wounded, and no civilian casualties," the good doctor concluded.

"I notice you used more shots as well, leading me to question the PPK's stopping power compared to the Shepherd's," Bradley spoke.

"Not very subtle or sophisticated there," Bruno remarked.

"Keep talking. It's not over yet," Felix answered.

Both pistols showed their prowess, but where do our panelists stand?

"Judging by what I've just seen, I'm going with the Shepherd Arms 9mm due to its more powerful round," Bradley started.

"I agree. While the PPK can use more varied types of rounds, the Shepherd still manages to do far more damage and it holds more rounds. Edge Shepherd Arms," Dr. Kaiser seconded.

"While it likely falls down to the individual shooter's prowess in the end, I'm still sticking with both of you on this based on the damage I saw done by the Shepherd Arms," Eddie concluded.

In mid-ranged weapons, Cate Archer takes the edge with the Shepherd Arms 9mm.

Coming up, two submachine guns shoot it out and then later, never before seen explosives are tested for the first time ever on the show.


James Bond and Cate Archer, both elite spies who battled secretive terrorist organizations all over the world.

When both agents needed to mow down rooms full of terrorists in one sitting, they both relied upon trusted sub-machine guns.

For James Bond, he trusted a staple of the British Army, the Sterling L2A3.

(Bond is shown ambushing and cutting down three Soviet soldiers in a flurry of fire from his Sterling.)

Sterling L2A3

Length: 27 in.

Weight: 6 lbs.

Effective Range: 200 m

Cartridge: 9x19mm Parabellum

Clip Size: 34 Rounds

"This sub-machine gun replaced the Sten as one of the British Army's front line weapons. It was also one of the guns Bond made extensive use of during his raid on Blofeld's hideout," Felix said showing off his Sterling, "He wouldn't trust just any type of gun for such an important mission. Like the Sten before it, the Sterling's design involves a side mounted magazine, which makes it easier to fire in a prone position."

"Well right now, your mission is going to involve dispatching a group of terrorists having gathered in a bar," Bradley said motioning towards a makeshift bar setup with 4 targets seated at a table and the fifth behind the counter, "You have one clip to make it count."

"You got it," Felix said taking his position.

"Then on 3...2...1, shoot 'em up!"

Felix took aim and fired into the seated targets in a flurry before adjusting his aim and firing into the bartender at the back, all in one salvo of screaming metal until his gun clicked empty.

"And just like that," Felix said ejecting his spent clip.

"And just like that, we've got 5 dead guys here," Dr. Kaiser commented studying the targets, "You cut through all of them in a flurry. Even if they saw you drawing your gun, it would have been too late for them to draw their guns."

"Hopefully you came prepared," Eddie said to Bruno.

"A UNITY agent always comes prepared," the veteran operative replied.

Answering Bond's challenge, Cate returns fire with a vicious killer of her own, the Hamptom MPL 9mm SMG.

(Cate is shown firing her Hampton upon a trio of attacking Mimes, dropping them in succession.)

Hampton MPL

Length: 18.2 in.

Weight: 6.6 lbs.

Effective Range: 200 m

Cartridge: 9x19mm Parabellum

Clip Size: 32 Rounds

"This is the standard sub-machine gun of UNITY commandos and one Ms. Archer used frequently in her missions," Bruno said showing the SMG off to the panelists, "Elegantly simple and handy, as well as using more recent technology compared to the Sterling. Aside from its usual 9x19mm rounds, it can also used standard full metal jacket, dum-dum and incendiary ammunition."

"It's the same test for you, Bruno. We've got 5 terrorists needing to be put six feet under," Bradley said motioning to some newly installed targets.

"Not a problem," Bruno said taking his position.

"Then on 3...2...1, open fire!"

Bruno took aim and fired a flurry of rounds into the seated targets before his gun clicked empty and he was left ejecting the clip.

"Gutter trash," he grumbled.

Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage done, "All our guests at the table are dead, but our bartender here is completely untouched..." he said placing a hand on the target's shoulder, "While his customers are lying dead in pools of their own blood, he's sneaking out the back door and able to alert any other goons nearby."

"Not too shabby," Felix chuckled, while Bruno just scowled.

Both sub-machine guns showed their killing power, but where do our panelists stand?

"In spite of the latter's showing, I feel tempted to call this even. Both guns have the same rate of fire, use the same round, the same effective range, and nearly the same clip size," Bradley started.

"While I agree that the skill and discipline of the individual shooter is important, both guns possess too many similarities to not call this even," Dr. Kaiser seconded.

"I agree, edge even," Eddie concluded.

In long range weapons, our warriors are even.

Coming up, common every day items become deadly weapons in the hands of today's combatants.


A battle of the secret agents between James Bond and Cate Archer.

When both agents needed to go out with a bang, they relied upon seemingly ordinary devices secretly packed with enough explosives to kill a person.

For Cate Archer, a common every day cosmetic became a miniature weapon of mass destruction, the Lipstick Explosive.

(Cate is shown priming a lipstick explosive and tossing it into the path of an enemy sailor, who stares at it in suspicion before it detonates.)

Lipstick Explosive

Length: 1.9 in.

Weight: 4.3 grams

Filling: Composition B

Range: 50 yds

Bruno and Santa are again shown at a table, this one lined with containers of lipstick. One is a red shade of lipstick, the second is yellow, and the last is blue.

"These nifty little contraptions were the first of their kind – designed specifically with Ms. Archer in mind," Santa explained lifting up the red-tipped lipstick, "This particular type is an impact device that explodes upon contact with a target or solid object. The yellow-tipped is a timed device with a 3 second timer, and the blue-tipped contains a proximity monitor; a different flavor for every occasion."

"Definitely not something I'd have expected," Eddie commented.

"In our line of work, the unexpected is an every day occurrence," Bruno said accepting an explosive from Santa.

"The only question now is can it kill?" Bradley spoke.

"Watch and find out," Bruno said as he made his way over to an enclosure surrounded by reinforced glass with three mannequins positioned inside. He pressed down on the lipstick itself and tossed it inside, resulting in an explosion as soon as it brushed the closest target's leg that swallowed up the others and sent body parts scattering all over.

"Death upon impact is all I can say," Dr. Kaiser commented, "It has the force to swallow up more than one target at once and given that it's disguised as a simple lipstick, can confuse any potential targets. I can see it truly being a deadly weapon in the right hands."

"For all your talk of the 'unexpected,' Bond is going to get suspicious when he sees Ms. Archer suddenly throw something at him," Felix countered, "Yet 007 would bring something she wouldn't see coming until it was too late."

To answer Cate Archer's challenge, James Bond responds with a sneaky device that makes one of his infamous vices deadly for others, the Mini-Rocket Cigarette.

(Bond is shown lighting his cigarette and launching a mini rocket dart into the chest of an unwitting henchman.)

Mini-Rocket Cigarette

Single Shot

Heat Activated

Length: 3.25 in.

Weight: .14 oz.

Effective Range: 30 yds

Ammo: Rocket Dart

Felix was standing at a firing range with an older man in a gray suit who was holding a pack of cigarettes in his hand.

"Q, why don't you show them what you've got?" Felix asked the older man.

"Mr. Bond of course was a known smoker, so this became a way he could unwittingly get an enemy to light him up, and then light them up in return," Q said producing a cigarette from the pack.

"Umm, okay...but just how does that work?" Eddie said staring at the cigarette in confusion.

"Watch and learn," Q said as he walked over to a small tripod which he rested the cigarette on and then pointed it at a wooden target. Pulling a lighter from his pocket, he lit the cigarette's tip and stood back. A second later, a small projectile shot out from the tip and tore a hole through the target's head.

"Damn...I already knew second-hand smoke can be harmful to others, but this just adds a completely new meaning to that," Dr. Kaiser commented.

"It's almost like a miniature sniper rifle," Bradley added.

"These cigarettes are actually mini rocket launchers that fire deadly rocket darts. They can hit an enemy from up to 30 yards away, enough for you to eliminate your target and then slip out the back door in all the commotion," Q explained.

"But how effective would this be in an actual combat situation?" Bradley inquired.

"Mr. Leiter, would you care to do the honors?" Q asked handing the pack to Felix.

"Gladly," Felix said pulling out a cigarette.

"For this scenario, we've set up the kind of mock high society gala James would be likely to attend, complete with unaware party guests," Bradley said as he motioned to an area with several mannequins scattered around, "But when we look to the center of the floor, here we have an 'undesirable' surrounded by 4 bodyguards," he said pointing out a target in a black suit surrounded by 4 wooden stand-ins. "Felix, your job is to take this guy out without harming anybody else. Think you'd be able to pull that off?"

"No problem," Felix responded and took his position blending in with the other "guests."

He placed the cigarette between his lips and focused on the target in the center of the room, pulling out a lighter and igniting the tip. He took a deep puff before the explosive dart shot out and struck the target in its chest, leaving a smoking crater behind.

"Wow, that's impressive!" Eddie exclaimed.

"Literally one of the smallest explosions we've ever had on here, but still does the trick," Bradley replied.

"More accurate than I thought it would be too," Eddie added.

Dr. Kaiser made his way over to assess the damage, "Dead on accuracy indeed. You just tore through this guy and with enough force you managed to go all the way through and nearly hit one of his guards," he said examining the smoking crater left behind, "No doubt it could have killed him too had it connected."

He then checked over the guards and the civilian targets, "I'm seeing no one else harmed here. They're going to be panicked and the guards are going to be shaken after seeing a man take an explosive from seemingly out of nowhere, the shock alone could leave them occupied long enough for Bond to make his escape."

"But you have just one shot to make it count," Bruno spoke up, "It's overall effectiveness ultimately falls down to luck. There's always the chance he could end up missing and then he's left exposed. It would be especially hazardous if he were there alone."

"Bond has survived worse and if that were the case, he'd get his man somehow," Felix replied.

Both explosives showed off their effectiveness, but where do our panelists stand?

"While Cate has more variety with the kinds of explosives she carries, I'm giving this to the mini-rocket cigarette. It has the farther range and the surprise factor, compared to the lipstick explosives, which Bond could see coming," Bradley started.

"I agree. I think Bond would get suspicious to see something thrown at him and given the lipstick's similarities to a regular grenade, he would have time to get out of the blast radius. With the cigarette, Cate wouldn't see that coming right away," Dr. Kaiser seconded.

"I wanted to like the lipstick explosives for their greater damage and ability to out multiple targets, which would have been useful in a squad battle, but this is one on one we're talking about here and in this case, I think the mini-rocket is more appropriate," Eddie concluded.

In explosive weapons, James Bond takes the edge with the Mini-Rocket Cigarette.

It's not over yet as both fighters brought unique gadgets for their special weapons.

When 007 needed a discreet means to eliminate obstacles or enemies, he relied upon a multi-use tool disguised as a fashionable accessory, the Laser Wristwatch.

(James is shown firing his wristwatch's laser into a security camera with a gun turret, disabling it on sight.)

Laser Wristwatch

Length: 1.57 in. (w/7 in. adjustable bracelet)

Weight: 5.5 oz.

Q stood before the panelists and pulled back his sleeve to reveal the wristwatch underneath.

"Mr. Bond is all about style. He has always had a thing for designer wristwatches, so naturally, the Q-Branch came up with a device he could have with him at all times during his many travels. While this may look to you like a typical Omega Seamaster Professional Diver 300M, it actually conceals a miniature laser device that can fire a beam used as a cutting tool when activated. It can penetrate almost any metallic surface, as well as bulletproof glass," Q explained.

"But how would it do in a combative scenario?" Bradley inquired.

"That part we are still working to improve upon," Q admitted almost sheepishly, "In spite of the cutting laser's power, it still does possess a very limited range and a limited charge that likely wouldn't make it the most effective for direct combat, but more so as a last resort."

"Admitting defeat early, are we?" Bruno smirked.

"We don't declare victory early," Felix said stepping in with his own wristwatch, "We prove ourselves and let the results speak for us."

"I'd like to see your new watch in action and we've devised a test for it," Bradley said motioning to another course, "We have a 'classified file' that needs to be retrieved and you have only your laser wristwatch at your disposal. Think you can pull that off?"

"No problem at all," Felix said as he took his position in front of a chain-link gate and readied his watch.

"Then show us," Bradley replied.

Felix toggled his watch to the 12 o'clock position and a thin red laser emitted from the bezel, cutting through a metal padlock with ease. He pushed through the gate and hugged the wall to avoid the gaze of an overhead security camera. He took aim and fired another laser that cut through the camera, followed by the crackle of sparks. The crackling of sparks drew the attention of a nearby dummy that suddenly appeared from around the corner, only to be halted as Felix shot a laser into its neck.

The CIA agent then used his laser wristwatch to zap the door's lock and found himself in a small room with a large painting on the wall across from him. He pulled the painting aside to reveal the hidden safe behind it and used his wristwatch's laser to cut through the steel door to get it open and withdraw the file inside.

"That's some impressive engineering we are seeing in action," Dr. Kaiser commented as he examined the lock, "Very quick and fluid in motion," he said before going over to examine the dummy and the laser cut through its neck, "It also cuts through flesh like a sword. This guy is dead upon contact."

"For a laser weapon, it doesn't look very impressive to me," Bruno commented, "You have very limited range with it and as you also mentioned, a limited charge. Ms. Archer would see you coming with a pitiful tiny laser like that and would have just the weapon to take your colleague by surprise.

Answering the wristwatch's challenge, Cate replies with her own device that can instantly incapacitate an enemy, the Mascara Stun Gun.

(Cate is shown sneaking up on an East German mobster and using the stun gun to knock him out.)

Mascara Stun Gun

Length: 6 in.

Weight: 8 oz.

Volts: 50,000

"This little device is a less than lethal weapon that can be held out in the open without alarming civilians," Santa said showing off his latest device to the panelists, "It's a stun gun hidden inside a woman's mascara case. While it's non-lethal, it electrically shocks a target into unconsciousness, thus leaving them open to whatever else needs to be done."

"I'm already not liking this," Eddie commented.

Taking the stun gun from Santa, Bruno smirked and pulled the trigger before jabbing it Eddie's side, causing him to yell out before collapsing to the floor.

Bradley struggled to contain his laughter, while Dr. Kaiser quickly knelt down beside his fallen colleague and checked his pulse.

"He's alive, but he'll be out cold for a few minutes," the doctor reported.

"More than enough time for a UNITY agent to accomplish the mission at hand," Bruno replied.

"Ms. Archer would still have to get pretty damn close to use that little toy of hers effectively. 007 would already have more than one way planned out to take her down. Once he's got the right time set, he can still hit her from further away," Felix spoke.

Both special weapons showed what they could do, but where do our panelists stand?

"I'm going with the laser wristwatch. While it may not have the best range, it still can hit an enemy from farther away than the stun gun and has the potential to kill," Bradley started.

"I agree. While the stun gun can knock an enemy out cold, you still need to be right up close to your enemy to be effective with it. Although it seems to be meant mainly as a last resort in combat, the laser can cripple and possibly kill. Edge Bond," Dr. Kaiser seconded.

In special weapons, James Bond takes the edge with the Laser Wristwatch.

"Ugh...what the hell just happened?" a now recovered Eddie asked staggering back into view.

"About that..." Dr. Kaiser started.

As it is with all warriors, there is a critical X-factor that makes them who they are. For James Bond, it's his calm under pressure.

"Bond is a man of many talents, but his stress levels actually drop when the stakes are at their highest. He enjoys pushing himself to the limit, it's what he lives for. Whether you're pitting him against one foe or an entire army, as long as the stakes are high, he'll tell you to bring it on," Felix explained.

For Cate Archer, it was her being in the field at a time when female operatives were rare.

"Cate Archer came along at a time when women weren't thought of as having much use in the field. UNITY's higher ups initially left her to mundane assignments and only agreed to let her into more high profile assignments due to a lack of available operatives. She truly proved herself and in the end, our organization was forced to rethink its stance on women operatives," Bruno explained.

Coming up, it's Spy vs. Spy in a battle to the death!


With our testing complete and our X-factors evaluated, we are now one step closer to deciding who will be "The Fictional Deadliest Warrior."

Our teams tested 5 weapons used by James Bond: The Fairbairn-Sykes Fighting Knife, the Walther PPK, the Sterling L2A3, the Mini-Rocket Cigarette, and the Laser Wristwatch.

On the opposite side, 5 weapons used by Cate Archer were tested: the Barrette, the Shepherd Arms 9mm handgun, the Hampton MPL, the Lipstick Explosive, and the Mascara Stun Gun.

In short range weapons, the Fairbairn-Sykes knife's versatility was matched evenly thanks to the Barrette's hidden surprise.

EDGE: Even

In mid-ranged weapons, the Shepherd's more powerful round took down the Walther.

EDGE: Cate Archer

In long range weapons, both sub-machine guns matched each other evenly.

EDGE: Even

In explosive weapons, the Mini-Rocket Cigarette's element of surprise smoked out the competition.

EDGE: James Bond

And lastly, the Wristwatch's range and lethality cut through the stun gun.

EDGE: James Bond

Our scientists and weapons experts are done with their testing. The results are in and the time has come to decide who will be the victor. To ensure the battle won't be decided by a single, lucky blow, the battle will be simulated one thousand times in a duel to the death.

Who will prevail in a battle between two elite operators?

Secret Agent

(Bond is shown using his wristwatch's laser to cut open a safe and retrieve the sensitive documents inside.)

vs. Secret Agent

(Cate uses her hidden stun gun to drop a guard before using her spy glasses to photograph the top secret blueprints he was guarding.)

Dogged Determination

(Cate guns down a HARM agent with a flurry from her MPL before making her way into an adjoining room and taking down two more.)

vs. Suave Style

(Bond drops an enemy agent with a single shot from his PPK in an almost casual manner.)

MI6's Top Spy

(James Bond is shown escaping from an exploding aircraft in a parachute.)

vs. UNITY's First Woman Agent

(Cate is shown gunning down the traitorous Mr. Smith.)

"It's a battle of the secret agents. All that's left to do now is run the sim!" Eddie called out.


We are taken to a luxurious seaside resort on the night of a festive gala, catering to some very high profile players.

Out front a silver Aston Martin DB5 pulls up to the main entrance and out steps a dark-haired man in a fancy black tuxedo with a black attache case in hand. He has a holstered Walther PPK concealed beneath his jacket, in addition to a Fairbairn-Sykes fighting knife in his pocket, and an expensive-looking wristwatch on his left wrist.

This man is James Bond, who has been tasked by MI6 to uncover any possible links between the resort's owner and the international terrorist organization SPECTRE.

Bond handed his car keys to the nearby valet and made his way into a main hall filled with fancily dressed people, in addition to the waiters making their rounds, and a few security guards sticking out like sore thumbs in their all black suits. There were several grand buffet tables lined with a number of exotic dishes from all around the world and at the front of the room, a jazz band was in the middle of a performance that kept several guests captivated.

Figuring he would take a brief stop from the mission at hand, Bond made his way over to a nearby bar and called out to the bartender, "Medium dry vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred, please."

"Coming right up," the bartender replied as he stopped what he was doing and reached for a glass.

As he waited patiently for his drink, Bond suddenly took notice of an attractive brunette standing nearby, her hair worn in a bob cut held in place by a stylish barrette and wearing a casual knee-length dress with green and orange patterns. The woman turned to face him with a cigarette tucked between her lips and rifling through her handbag for a lighter.

"Allow me," Bond said pulling out his lighter and raising it to the woman's cigarette.

"Thank you so much, kind sir. I must've left my bloody lighter back at my room," the woman replied before taking a few puffs.

"Your dry martini, sir. Shaken, not stirred, just as you requested," the bartender called out.

"Thank you," Bond said accepting his drink before returning his attention to the woman, "Could I interest you in a drink, Miss?"

"Anders, Abigail Anders," the woman answered, "I appreciate the hospitality, sir, but I'm afraid I have pressing matters to attend to. Maybe sometime later, ciao!"

Bond watched quietly as the woman went on her way, feeling something oddly suspicious about her.


The woman in question was actually Cate Archer, an undercover operative employed by the secret intelligence organization known as UNITY, who was at the resort on a mission to uncover suspected HARM activity. It was suspected the resort's owner had connections to the secretive group and she was tasked with gathering evidence.

She wasn't able to bring most of her equipment with her right away due to security concerns, but her UNITY handlers had an inside man who left a suitcase stashed somewhere for her. Having memorized a floor plan also provided by her handlers, she made her way swiftly around the people gathered and pretended to admire a nearby statue just as a security guard walked past. When the man was out of sight, she made her way through a nearby door.

The operative found herself in a narrow hallway with a security camera overhead. Hugging her back to the wall, she crept beneath the camera's view and made her way along until she spotted a janitor's closet in the distance. Remembering the checked off room from the map, she was about to make her way for it when a voice called out from behind her.

"Ma'am, what are you doing? You can't be back here!" a guard called out and she turned to find the massive man running towards her.

"Oh my, you must excuse me! I appear to have gotten lost! If you don't mind, I was looking for the ladies' room," Cate replied feigning innocence.

"Well, you aren't finding it here," the guard said reaching out and grabbing her by the arm, "You're coming with me!"

"I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain check on that," Cate replied as she took what appeared to be a mascara case and jabbed it into the man's side, causing him to convulse violenty and fall to the floor like a bag full of bricks.

"Bothersome ape," she grumbled as she removed the barrette from her head and flicked open a two-pronged attachment she used to pick the closet's lock. Within a few seconds, the door clicked open and she dragged the unconscious guard inside before shutting the door behind her.


Elsewhere in the hotel, Bond had exited the main hall and carefully made his way along a sparsely populated hallway with a few drunken guests stumbling about. It wasn't long before he spotted another guard making his rounds and opted to follow the man, shadowing him until he approached a door with an electronic keypad and waited for the man to type the code in before sneaking up and wrapping his arm around the guard's neck, placing him in a sleeper hold and keeping it locked in until the man struggled no more.

Finding a nearby locker, Bond checked the man for anything useful, but found nothing and shoved him inside. With no one else in sight, he opened his briefcase, which carried a disassembled Sterling L2A3 submachine gun. While keeping his eyes and ears open for any possible threats, he quickly assembled the gun and screwed a silencer onto its barrel before pressing further along.

Nearby, Cate Archer was now clad in a red and white form-fitting catsuit, also having reclaimed her Shepherd Arms 9mm handgun and Hampton MPL submachine gun, in addition to her specially designed gadgets from Santa that she had been able to smuggle around in the open.

She had already bypassed a few locked doors, security cameras, and other guards before reaching an office with a few binders that caught her attention.

"Well, what have we got here?" she said aloud making her way over to the desk and opening them, finding a number of documents, along with images of the owner and a noted HARM agent, along with the blueprints for a secret weapon.

"So their hunch was right," she said placing on her spy glasses and began snapping pictures of the sensitive documents.

Having collected her needed evidence, the UNITY agent opted to move further along until she happened across a door leading to the owner's office. Knowing there would be more valuable information inside, she again looked around for any threats before quietly stepping inside.

She found herself in a large room that looked more like a penthouse than it did an office with ornate furniture, numerous bookcases, and even a fireplace!

Towards the front of the room she saw the desk with a painting of the owner on the wall behind it, albeit now pulled out sideways to reveal what it hid.

And standing there in front of her was a man in a black tuxedo who was cutting into a safe door with a small laser hidden in his wristwatch.

Bond heard a disturbance from behind and turned to find himself standing face to face with a woman in a red and white catsuit with a sub-machine gun in hand – recognizing her as the lady from the gala!

Unfortunately for him, she didn't appear interested in friendly conversation as she raised her MPL and fired a barrage that sent him ducking for cover behind the heavy desk. Without missing a beat, the veteran agent raises his Sterling and fires back with his own barrage, sending her diving for cover behind a couch.

"Bloody bastard," Cate grunted as the rounds tore through the couch, raining down stuffing upon her. "I don't have time for this nonsense."

Reaching into her pouch, the UNITY agent pulled out a lipstick case before pressing down on the lipstick itself and flinging it towards her adversary.

Bond stopped firing to reload his Sterling, but just as he reached for a fresh magazine, a lipstick case of all things landed inches away from him. It was confusing at first, until his years of training kicked in and he flung himself as hard as he could away, only to have the lipstick explosive detonate and launch him several feet into the air.

The MI6 agent hit the marble floor with a hard thud, his ears ringing, his jacket singed, and the Sterling knocked from his hands. From the corner of his eye, he sees the woman exiting through the door nearby and with a labored grunt, pushes himself to his feet and draws his Walther PPK as he begins his pursuit.

Cate made her way back into the hall, however, the resort's alarm had now been tripped and it would be only a matter of seconds before guards were swarming the place. She needed to find a way out and fast.

She approached a corner, but was halted upon hearing voices calling out from a distance and hid in an alcove as two guards raced past her, before making her way back into the open and descending a staircase. She approaches the door at the end, yet it flies open and she finds herself standing face to face with another guard, knocking the man unconscious with the stock of her MPL, and then racing past him.

Bond had been tailing the woman closely until he bumped into two hotel guards that tried to draw their sidearms, yet the secret agent grabbed one of the men and gracefully flipped him onto his head, knocking him unconscious as he struck the floor. He then grabbed the other guard's arm and twisted it at an awkward angle and forcing him to drop his gun before striking him in the throat with a hard karate chop. He then makes his way down the flight of stairs and finds another unconscious guard laying at the foot, telling him she came this way.

He makes his way through the door, again forced to duck as bullets strike the wall next to him and he finds the shapely rival agent standing at the opposite end. 007 raises his PPK and fires two shots back before she disappears from sight.

Bond rushes to where the woman had been standing and hugs his back to the wall for a few moments before popping into view just as Cate emerges from cover as well and they fire at one another with one of her rounds grazing his left arm and one of his rounds coming dangerously close to her head, enough to ruffle locks of her hair. She curses aloud and goes to fire her MPL, yet nothing happens and she is forced to discard the sub-machine gun before again running out of sight.

007 kept his cool during this game of cat and mouse and carefully ducked into a room with its door ajar, finding himself in an employee break room with a sizable eating area and a TV area off to the side. There is no sign of the woman until another tube of lipstick is thrown into the room.

Another explosion rang out as Cate stood with her Shepherd Arms 9mm at the ready. For some reason, she felt it wouldn't be as simple with this guy and she looked up at the lights above and began shooting them out one by one.

Bond's attention is suddenly drawn to the nearby hall as he hears the muffled gunshot, followed by shattering glass before the area is bathed in total darkness and then all is silent. He ducks down behind a sofa and listens for any additional movements before his foot brushes against a coffee mug and then an idea springs to mind.

Waiting for a few more seconds, he tossed the mug through the opened door and was met by two more muffled gunshots. Instead of rushing in, Bond quietly retreats through the door which he entered, mentally recalling the hall's layout.

Cate waited with her Shepherd in hand, listening for any signs of movement in the darkness before inching towards another door and nudging it open with her foot. She finds herself in another small office and points her gun at every possible angle, but only finds a silver cigarette case with a lit cigarette perched on it and pointing at her.

It was a strange sight, yet the UNITY operative kept her calm and stepped inside, scanning her surroundings for any further signs of the rival agent before spotting the outline of what looks like a masculine figure. Before she can fire, there is a low hiss and she returns her attention to the lit cigarette, which to her surprise suddenly launches a projectile that strikes the wall behind her and explodes, forcing her to raise her arm to avoid the sudden bright light and the fragments of wood and plaster sent flying into the air.

James Bond steps out of cover and raises his PPK to open fire, yet Cate throws herself to the ground on impulse and avoids the two shots sent her way. She raises her Shepherd and fires another round that grazes the MI6 agent, but he manages to avoid the other shots coming his way before her gun clicks empty. With the opening he is given, he rushes the woman and manages to kick the gun from her hand and send it clattering far from reach. He tries to fire his PPK, but Cate delivers a chop to his wrist that disarms him and then kicks it beneath a desk. She goes for another punch, but 007 catches her arm and flips her sending her flying across a desk and knocking everything off of it.

Cate hits the floor with a hard thud, yet quickly pushes herself back to her feet and removes the barrette from her hair, equipping the toxin-coated blade. With a loud yell, she swings at the MI6 agent, who bends backwards and barely avoids the slash directed at his throat. She follows up with another slash directed at his midsection, but Bond leaps backward to dodge the slash and then dodges another that forces him to pull himself across a desk to create some space between himself and his adversary.

Bond withdrew his Fairbairn-Sykes fighting knife and ducked to his left to avoid another slash directed at him before he answered with an attempted stab, yet Cate brought her hand up to deflect his strike away before going with another slash that sliced into 007's sleeve, yet barely missing his flesh.

Cate swung away at 007 like a mad woman possessed, fast and furious enough to keep the veteran MI6 agent on his toes as he was barely able to sidestep her strikes and it was starting to wear down his stamina. He ducked low to avoid another strike that nearly slashed his face and shot his blade out slashed the woman across her stomach, leaving a noticeable tear in her catsuit.

"Bastard," Cate cried out as she tried slashing the agent again, but he caught her arm and slammed her into a nearby filing cabinet that sent her barrette falling from her hand.

Cate fell to the floor with fresh waves of pain coursing through her body, yet her stubborn pride wouldn't let her bow out of the fight just yet. She still had one trick up her sleeve and pulled out the mascara stun gun. Looking up to see the MI6 agent standing over her, she shot her leg out in a sweep kick that brought him to a knee. She lunged forward trying to jab him with her stun gun, yet 007 barely rolled out of the way.

Remembering his own last resort, James rose to a knee and pushed a button on his wristwatch, shooting out a red laser that sliced off a portion of the woman's hair, along with a large chunk of her earlobe. The woman cried out from the sudden heat and pain, leaving her vulnerable and open for the spy to drive his knife into her chest. With a sick gurgle, the woman collapsed to the floor and bled out.

James rose to his feet and straightened out his coat before looking down to his fallen opponent one last time and saying, "Sorry about that, madam. I have a license to kill, not get killed."


Winner: James Bond

James Bond:

Fairbairn-Sykes Fighting Knife: 24

Walther PPK: 20

Sterling L2A3: 413

Mini-Rocket Cigarette: 74

Laser Wristwatch: 5

Total: 536

Cate Archer:

Barrette: 15

Shepherd Arms 9mm: 38

Hampton MPL: 362

Lipstick Explosive: 49

Mascara Stun Gun: 0

Total: 464

"In a battle between two top spies, James Bond prevailed in another fairly close match up. He had the more reliable, deadlier weapons, especially when needed in a one on one match up like this, whereas Cate was only able to take the edge in mid-ranged weapons. He was also more experienced, better trained and more ingenious," Bradley concluded.

"Hmph. Figures they would follow the results of a computer as opposed to actual results in the field," Bruno scoffed.

"Bond is a legend in his field and he can back it up whenever you challenge him," Felix spoke.

(James is shown leaving the resort on a speedboat, having been picked up by a shapely blonde who winks at him seductively as he enjoys his martini.)


Next time on "Fictional Deadliest Warrior," it's a battle of the machines:

(A hyper alloy exoskeleton with glowing red eyes points a futuristic pulse rifle at the screen.)

T-800 Terminator: Skynet's soulless killing machines who hunt down the remnants of humanity...


(A purple robot with a light in the middle of its face aims a pulse rifle at the screen.)

Geth: The hive-minded army of synthetics who drove their creators from their home planet.



Author's Notes: James Bond and all references to him and his exploits are based upon the works of Ian Fleming.

Cate Archer and all references to "No One Lives Forever" are the property of Monolith Productions.

Will apologies to any No One Lives Forever fans (If any remain by this point.)

Anyways, read and review, KEEP IT FUCKING METAL, and hope you all had yourselves some happy holidays and a hopefully better new year!