Ambushed! Evil-Tentacle-Rape-Hentai-Tenta-Spy Attacks! And where is Saracho with the beer?
Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout sat brooding under the dark shade of a palm tree as the rest of the Scoutlings enjoyed themselves in the sunlight and glistening waters of Hentai Beach. He sighed loudly, but no one heard him. No one ever really heard him, no one ever really understood him. Not even Zippy truly understood the burden he carried in this sick, sad world. He just wanted to brood alone after his fight with Jean the Gene-Engineer and his Genetically-Modified-Master-Race-of-Devil-Dispensers, but Zippy had insisted on going to the beach. Zippy was always insisting on going to the beach, or the onsen, or the locker room...
Zippy was wrestling with Dengar Dangerous in the surf, and clearly enjoying himself more than Dengar suspected, judging by the formidable bulge in his tiny speedo. Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout wondered for a moment if the meat-headed Dengar knew that Zippy was gay. He then frowned over at Rear Admiral Fights, who was, as usual, nose-deep in a book. He squinted at the title 'How to Backstab Your Allies for Fun and Profit' by Famous-Self-Help-Author-Spy.
Should I worry about that? He wondered, After all, he has betrayed us twelve times now... Nah, surely he's on our side after the Devil-Dispenser Apocalypse.
That big-breasted girl, What's-Her-Face, had bounced off after some seagulls several hours ago, and he hoped that they'd adopted her. He was tired of the annoying seagull screeches and the fact that she latched onto him like a leech despite his every attempt to shake her off. How could someone with no brain keep finding her way back?
Saracho had left in his submersible, diamond-encrusted yacht to buy some more beer, and was taking entirely too long about it. Perhaps he'd found some new roses or something... Truth be told, Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout was getting concerned... about the beer. Still, Saracho was useful. While they were all underraged, having a friend who was richer than Robot Jesus was better than any fake ID.
Suddenly, a condescending voice filled with ill-concealed lust interrupted his whiny introspection.
"'ello, mon petit garcons."
Everyone turned to see a shape rising from the water, a leering Spy. He was clad in a slimy red pinstriped suit and red fedora.
"I..." The Frenchman paused dramatically as the water around him began to roil, revealing a mass of thick, red tentacles, "Am..." Another dramatic pause, "Evil-Tentacle-Rape-Hentai-Tenta-Spy, and I will be your rapist for ze evening!"
The creature began to emit a honking, obnoxious, stereotypically snobby French laugh as the tentacles whipped out to grab the boys. Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout and Zippy were fast enough on their feet to avoid the initial attack, but Dengar and the distracted Rear Admiral Fights were quickly caught in the creature's slimy arms.
Zippy recovered quickly, screamed at the top of his lungs and unleashed his Super-Mega-Insta-Kill-Power-Nugget-Blast, but Evil-Tentacle-Rape-Hentai-Tenta-Spy used his Super-Fast-Evasion-Jutsu-Technique to avoid the blast, and snatched Zippy up as well.
"Weren't you supposed to be good at dodging?" The Spy laughed, wrapping his tentacle around Zippy's mouth to keep him from screaming and using his Scoutkenn powers.
As Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout watched his friends struggling helplessly in the vile embrace of a hentai tentacle monster, he considered just running away like a little bitch. It wasn't like he actually liked any of them except Zippy. His best friend would be hard to replace, but surely there were other reasonably talented young Scouts with Power Nuggets whom he could get along with.
As he brooded over this, a tentacle struck him from behind, wrapping him up firmly, while another grabbed the Scooty Booty Blade from its resting place.
This was bad, without the blade or the ability to scream his lungs out, Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout was helpless! He couldn't even use his bitch-ass-sissy-style Scoutkenn! He was screwed six ways to Sunday, and about to be literally screwed by a perverted French tentacle monster. So he did the only thing he could in the situation.
He began to cry like a baby.
Evil-Tentacle-Rape-Hentai-Tenta-Spy gave another obnoxious bark and looked his prizes over, relishing the feel of his tentacles sliding over over the firm, near-nude, muscular, sweaty young bodies of his captives. He didn't even wince when Dengar bit deeply into the tentacle stroking his otherwise helpless form.
He pulled Zippy Danger closer to examine him more intently. "You have a very fine ass, Monsieur Danger. And I should know, I'm a connoisseur!" He punctuated this with a hard slap to said ass with a free tentacle.
Zippy paled and started struggling harder as a tentacle moved toward his tiny blue speedo. Tentacles began to approach the other struggling boys as well.
"Now to unwrap my presents! Merry Christmas to me!"
Evil-Tentacle-Rape-Hentai-Tenta-Spy paused at the sound of a powerful motor approaching, and turned to see something huge and shimmering bearing down on him.
The diamond prow crashed into Evil-Tentacle-Rape-Hentai-Tenta-Spy at full speed, shearing the villain in two, and all of the captured boys fell from his limp tentacles into the shallow water as the ship barrelled past them until it was fully beached. A hatch opened on top, and a hand with a huge diamond ring reached up unsteadily. Saracho pulled himself from the hatch and wobbled a little, then squinted drunkenly at the others sprawled in the surf.
"Hey, guys! I got the beer!" He looked around at the blood and ink drenched beach, "Where's Betty?"
A flock of seagulls hovered over the mindlessly screeching human in confusion.
"What's she saying?" One asked.
"I don't know it's all pelican to me..."
Next time on Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout!
A Shocking Betrayal! Rear Admiral Fights betrays the Scoutlings, again! Seriously, why do they keep this guy around?
Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout and all other characters except Evil-Tentacle-Rape-Hentai-Tenta-Spy, Famous-Self-Help-Author-Spy, Jean the Gene-Engineer and the Genetically-Modified-Race-of-Devil-Dispensers belong to Krunkidile and Ultra Satan. Special thanks to the Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout Wiki!
Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout is a manga/anime parody, a series that doesn't really exist but has its own Wiki, a few YouTube videos and some art.
The Scoutlings are all modeled from Scout from TF2, all of them except Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout and Betty have a white Hero's Tail, and they all wear blue outfits.
Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout wears an assassin's hood, always frowns and always looks constipated. He has incredible powers, but is too busy brooding and being angsty to care. Much like Uchiha Sasuke. He carries a katana called The Scooty Booty Blade.
Saracho is incredibly wealthy and very nice, he usually wears a huge diamond ring, a blue tuxedo and a rose pinned to his lapel. He's a true gentleman, unlike Spy. I ship him with Zippy.
Zippy Danger is gay in the manga, and has a crush on Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout. He's more talented, popular, intelligent and likable than Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout, but doesn't get as much attention because it's not his show. He's also a better dresser. He wears a pair of Planeswalker's Goggles as part of his outfit, and a Sign of the Wolf's School (a necklace with a metal wolf's head pendant). Both his allies and his enemies often compliment him on his fine ass.
Dengar Dangerous is a juvenile delinquent who befriended Brooding-Ninja-HighSchool-Parkour-Scout after being defeated, then rescued by him. He's a werewolf and can grow unloaded guns from his body. He's also dumb as a brick.
Rear Admiral Fights is a traitorous traitor who would make any Spy proud. For some reason they keep forgiving him every time he tries to kill them... He wears glasses and almost always carries a book.
Betty is a FemScout with ridiculously oversized breasts like Orihime from BLEACH or Tsunade from Naruto. She is mindless and has the voice of a seagull. She's Brooding-Ninja-Highschool-Parkour-Scout's 'not-girlfriend'. The only person who seems in any way nice to her is Saracho.
Robot Jesus is a near-omnipotent giant BLU Scout Robot with a Hero's Tail. He helped create the universe and stuff. He likes to bake muffins and smoke marijuana.
All of the Scoutlings except Betty are 18. In the U.S., that is too young to drink alcohol, but old enough to be drafted and sent to war. Makes sense, doesn't it?