3BEA GIVES GERM SEX ADVICE
A story based on foolishness
Closing time. Just like always, it was a bundle of emotions for Bea Santello. The core of the bundle, thankfully, was relief, albeit with other, more irritating emotions stuck around it like thumbtacks. Apprehension about going home, notably. Ennui. Shame. Garden variety depression, if she was being honest. But the relief made the whole mix worth it, along with the tiny bit of triumph she still felt at a day's work well done.
Today, though, Bea's bundle was formed up around something else—a weird, nervous curiosity. Germ, who'd helped her take inventory that day, had asked if he could talk to her after work.
Granted, talking with Germ wasn't usually, like, a struggle or anything. He was laid back, and if he had to be told to shut up or whatever, he'd shut up. But the fact he was normally direct was exactly what made Bea anxious. Germ wasn't the kind of guy to ask "Can I talk to you later?" He'd just launch into whatever was on his mind, usually apropos of nothing. If Germ thought he had to lay groundwork for a conversation, Bea almost didn't want to know what it was going to be about.
And yet. Under all her layers of affectation and dreariness, Bea found she was truly curious what this was going to be about. She deposited the day's take in the safe and shut off the lights with a different bundle of emotions than usual. "All right, Germ. What did you want to talk about?"
"Let's go to the back alley," he suggested.
Huh. This was getting serious. Was he about to try to sell her drugs? Or, more likely, ask if she had a dealer?
Bea closed the back door behind her and stood staring. Germ stared back silently for a while before piping up.
"I know I seem like a pretty together guy," he said. "But that doesn't mean there aren't still things I have to work out."
"Sure," allowed Bea.
"You seem pretty together. Think I could ask you some questions?"
Bea sighed—then decided that if she was going to be letting out puffs like this, they may as well bring her some pleasure. She dug out a pack of Dromedaries and lit up.
Germ watched her in silence. It was like he was looking for answers in the smoke. Was he planning to say anything else? Bea still didn't know why he'd br—
"So, like. How do you know if you're attracted to someone? Is there a tingle, or…"
Oh god. "Is this a sex talk, Germ?"
His huge eyes refocused. "I guess?"
"You brought me out here to ask questions about sex?"
His chin trembled. "Well… not just sex. The stuff that leads up there, too."
"Relationship questions. You want me to be your relationship coach." Bea wasn't trying to be a jerk—she was honestly trying to wrap her head around this.
"I don't think I really need a coach," Germ offered. "I was just hoping to get some insight. You know. From someone who's been there."
Did she really want to ask? "Where exactly do you think I've been?"
He shrugged. "Clubs. Dates. Math camp. Wherever."
How… how the hell did he know about math camp? "You think I'm some kind of Casanova."
"You're older than me and you've done stuff I haven't. That's all. I figured you'd know."
Bea took a deep drag. She leaned against the door and regarded the shrimp before her. "Right. Well. You were asking about a tingle?"
"Or whatever. Just… how do you know if you're attracted to someone?"
She assumed there was someone he was interested in. Oh please, let it not be me. "There is definitely a physical reaction."
He flinched back a smidge. "Like getting hit in the face?"
Um. "Not exactly. Your heartrate goes up. You might feel nervous. I read about this—your pupils dilate."
He considered this. "Is 'dilate' bigger or smaller?"
"Bigger. It's as if you want to take more of them in, visually speaking." Bea was really hoping not to see Germ's eyes grow right now—she had a niggling fear that this was the twerp's bass-ackward way of hitting on her.
"I dunno," he said. "My pupils are already pretty big. Don't think they can get much bigger."
Okay, that wasn't weird. "Ever had butterflies in your stomach?"
"Sure. First time I tried the trampoline."
Germ had a trampoline? "Not over that. Over a person. Have you ever felt so… preoccupied with someone that you think about them all the time? So obsessed that every little thing gets blown out of proportion?" Bea told herself she was speaking theoretically, and definitely not describing her own first stupid crush on Trevor Maxwell from middle school. At least she hadn't been as ridiculous as Mae, with her inexplicable crush on a cartoon cola mascot.
Germ gave the question some serious thought. While he gazed at the nearby rooftops and twilit sky, Bea let herself relax. She would get out of this. Either she'd be able to help, or Germ's problems would be beyond her, but either way this conversation would end and she'd get to go home.
He exited his trance. "I used to feel that way about my father," Germ said. "Back when I was eleven." He looked at Bea. "Does that mean I'm incestuous?"
This wasn't getting better, Bea amended. This was getting worse. "Uh… you weren't… actually sexually attracted to your father, were you?"
"That's what I'm trying to work out!" he countered. "That's what this whole thing is about!"
"Whether you were attracted to your father?"
"No! Whether I'm attracted to anyone!"
Bea took a long, slow breath. "Okay. Let's take a step back. Is it possible that you were just… a kid who wanted to impress his father? Because you admired him?"
"Well, that's what I thought, until you started describing these symptoms."
"Right. So… you never fantasized about having sex with him."
"No! Is… is that how you know you're attracted to someone? You think about having sex with them? Geez."
Bea couldn't stop herself from shifting uncomfortably. "It can be. That's something that can happen."
Germ looked very small. "I mean… I guess now and then I think about what sex would be like. But… isn't that normal? To be curious about stuff you've never done?"
"Sure. But the question is, why are you thinking about sex? Because it's something you want, or just because you're curious?"
He blinked. "How can I know?"
Bea took a puff. Was he serious? "I thought you knew yourself better than this, Germ. Try to be aware of your feelings. Ask yourself, 'where is this coming from?'"
He looked down at himself. "I dunno. My heart?"
Not what she'd meant, but at least he hadn't said his dick. "The heart pumps blood. That's it."
He looked helpless. "My kidney, then?"
God. "Germ, I'm asking about your mental process here, not your assorted giblets. When you think about sex… what are you hoping will happen?"
He closed his eyes. "I'm hoping I'll figure out if there's anyone I like."
"Uh… if you're just figuring that out, then… who do you imagine yourself having sex with?"
He shrugged. "It's kinda vague and gooey in my head. I don't really see faces."
Well. "It sounds like you may just be insecure about your identity," Bea suggested. "You know, it's possible you just aren't attracted to anyone. Some people don't exp—"
"I think I might be gay," he interrupted.
Bea took a moment to consult with her cigarette before continuing. "…Is that what this is about?"
"Might be."
Time to check the basics. "Just to be clear, you did hit puberty a long time ago, right?"
"Right."
"And you're just now wondering about your sexual orientation?"
This seemed to concern him. "Should I have done it then?"
Okay. Bea took a breath. She wasn't being fair. It wasn't that weird for someone to still be questioning at Germ's age. "Well, look. Why do you think you might be gay?"
"I've been thinking about Gregg," he explained. "He's pretty cool, and when I'm around him…"
He trailed off. Bea felt a lot tenser suddenly. "You have a crush on Gregg?"
"Is that what this is?"
"God, I don't know, Germ. What does he make you feel?"
"Like… excitement, I guess? Like he's got a magic to him."
Bea sighed sharply. "Fine. Gregg has magic. You do realize he's taken, right?"
Germ looked uncomfortable. "Yeah."
"Right. Okay, so. Well, fine. It's okay to feel urges for someone, even if y—"
"But that's not what arouses me," he continued.
Bea had to stop herself from biting her cigarette. "So you do get aroused."
"Oh sure. I'm a sexual being."
Bea had always hated that phrase. When else did people talk about being 'beings'? If someone was artistic, did that make them an 'artistic being'? Could someone be a 'jealous being'? An 'unhappy-with-her-job being'? "So… what is it exactly that… turns you on?"
Again, he looked away toward the rooftops. "Dunno. Could be any number of things."
Bea pulled the Dromedary from her mouth and blew smoke. "Are we talking about Gregg here, or what?"
"Nah, not really. Just… I get aroused at funny times."
She figured he owed her by now. "Such as?"
Germ leaned against a wall as he reflected. "One time I saw a tree fall at the edge of the woods. About half the tree just splintered and broke off, pretty close to where I was. It took a long time. Every snap along the trunk was like a gunshot, like the wood was echoing. It was amazing. I watched it fall, and once it'd all settled, I realized I was hard."
So the kid was attracted to trees. Huh. "Interesting. That's really interesting, Germ. Do you think you can say what it was about the situation that made you… excited?"
"Well, did you ever hear a tree split in half?"
"No... the most I've seen is little branches falling in a storm."
"It gave me goosebumps. And a hardon."
"Wow. Can you think of another time?"
He nodded slowly. "Once it rained so hard there were puddles all over the back field. Big ones. Too big to jump, so you had to sidle round 'em or just splash through. But in the morning, it was warm with a fresh breeze, and they all glowed with these shimmery colors…"
"…And you got hard," Bea concluded.
"Yeah."
"This is kind of weird. So you get hard from nature?"
He shook his head. "Not just that. I got hard watching two guys have a fistfight once out back of Miller's. I wondered if they were really gonna hurt each other."
Bea struggled to find a common thread. "So…"
The kid tilted his head back just a little. "I think maybe I get aroused when awesome things happen."
Was that a thing? Bea didn't know what to make of this. "Uh—"
"Or maybe I'm just gay."
Bea wanted to palm her forehead, but the cigarette still in her hand saved her from this indignity. "Look, Germ. 'Gay' is a label. The real question is how you feel around other guys. These men who fought each other. Did you feel… like you wanted to be with them?"
"Be with them?"
Ugh. "Like… run your hand through their hair or anything?"
"Not really."
Bea sighed. "So… why exactly do you think you might be gay, again?"
There was a sudden sound from above; a rock fell from a rooftop into the alley. On the one hand, any distraction from a conversation like this was welcome. But when Bea looked up, it turned out to be that weird kid, Lori M. or something, and it looked like she wanted to sit in.
"Oh. Um, hi," said the weird girl, sitting and dangling her legs off the edge of the roof across the narrow alley.
Bea stared. "Hi."
"Sorry… I didn't mean to interrupt! I just thought it was a… an interesting conversation and I wondered if I could listen in."
"If you're aware that it's an interesting conversation, you've obviously already been listening in," Bea pointed out.
"Yeah, I guess," allowed the rooftop weirdo meekly.
Germ glanced back at her, not as concerned by the invasion of privacy as Bea might have expected. "Sure," he said. Then he looked back at Bea and answered her question. "I dunno. I guess I just feel like something's off."
Was he saying that being gay was off? Well, maybe it was, in a way. People were allowed to be off. Bea herself was definitely off in some ways. "How do you mean?"
He looked a little uneasy. "Never had a girlfriend."
"Is that all? Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
He shook his head.
"Then it's not a big deal, Germ. You're what, eighteen?"
"Come April."
"Not quite eighteen. That's fine, Germ. Not everyone needs to date when they're a teenager. There's a lot to be said for waiting."
He pushed against the inside of his mouth with his tongue. "But shouldn't I know?"
Bea was confused. "Shouldn't you know…"
"Who he's attracted to," Lori interjected.
Great. Now she was translating for him. "Honestly? Based on what you told me earlier, you might well not be attracted to anyone. And that's fine. I think you're asking the wrong questions."
"Okay. So what's the right question?"
Huh. Probably should've thought that far ahead. "I don't know, Germ. 'What can I do to be happy?'"
The shrimp sat down, right on the concrete. "Hm. That sounds like more of a job question."
Bea grunted. "Take it from me. Jobs aren't what you do to be happy. They're what you do in order to earn the financial security you need in order to not be too incredibly unhappy."
"What if finding a boyfriend would make me happy?"
"Then find one. Just don't worry too much about labels."
Germ wasn't done. "But if I had a boyfriend, what would I do with him?"
It sounded like he was asking how to use some tool from the Pickaxe. "Geez, Germ. Do you want me to spell it out?"
Lori's little voice interrupted from above. "You could take him to the train tracks and make out with him on the track."
"Um," said Bea.
"I dunno," said Germ. "That seems kind of like asking for trouble."
"It'd be romantic," the roof-dweller insisted. "Romance is about asking for trouble."
"So you're the expert now?" demanded Bea. She was half ready to shove off and let Lori take over, if her advice wasn't too terrible.
But the girl was instantly contrite. "Oh, no! I… I don't know anything about romance, really… I was just…"
Germ saved her by interrupting: "I kinda like my life the way it is."
Bea realized, to her disgust, that she was actually jealous. "Great. Then quit worrying about all this stuff. Just keep on doing whatever it is you do."
"Might want to try dating though."
Bea took another long drag. "Then try it," she shrugged. "Only so much you can do by talking. If you find someone willing to be your boyfriend, just be honest about how you're not sure how you feel and you need time to work things out. If he's worth it, he'll give you time. And if it doesn't work out… maybe try a girl?"
"But what if we break up bad and I get thrown into depression? I hear that happens."
God, he was so naive. "I have trouble imagining you being depressed, Germ. I honestly do. Do you really think that's a possibility?"
"You never know," he chirped.
"I want to make my life into a life I can like," interjected Lori randomly.
Bea looked up at her, very slowly. "Cool."
"You should do that," said Germ.
"If you can," Bea agreed. Make my life into a life I can like? Could the girl be any more vapid?
"So what's the best way to find a boyfriend?" asked Germ. "Do I go to a bar, or… or what?"
"Honestly? I don't really know. Do I look like I hang out in bars? I want to say going to bars to meet people is overrated, but what do I know? Do things that let you meet people. Go places because you like going there. Do things because you like doing them. Don't go somewhere just to find a date. That's all the advice I have, and you probably shouldn't take it because I'm unhappily single."
"Makes sense. Maybe I should go to a skating park somewhere."
"Not sure where the closest skate park is. But yeah, sure. Knock yourself out."
"I guess I could go to parties," he went on. "Don't feel like I'm really a party kind of guy, though."
"Depends. There's more than one kind of party."
"Maybe a video game party would work."
"Well, I don't know if video game parties would be great for meeting singles. But again, what do I know?"
"Hey Germ?" asked Lori. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"
He looked up at her. "Oh, sure. I'll just do that instead."
"…What," said Bea.
"Well I mean, she's right here," pressed Germ. "That's easier than going out to meet people, right?"
Bea was nearly left speechless. What exactly had just happened? "You… probably shouldn't date people just because they're physically near you," she managed.
Germ seemed to take this seriously and looked Lori over. "Think I should make her do an audition?"
God. "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. Audition your girlfriend. That's what people do."
"What sort of audition should I make her do?"
Among other things, Bea was getting uncomfortable with how silent Lori was being. "You shouldn't do an audition, Germ. That was sarcasm. Have you heard of it?"
"Oh." He scratched his head. "Yeah, I know what it is. I'm just no good at perceiving it. It's like I'm sarcasm-blind."
"It's okay," said Lori. "I can do an audition."
"Seriously," said Bea, "don't do an audition. Go on a date. That's your audition. If she rubs you the wrong way… then keep on looking. But if you're okay together, that's fine. Really nothing wrong with a convenient relationship if it happens to fulfill you both."
"Okay," nodded Germ. "A date sounds like a good audition."
"I'll try not to rub you, okay Germ?" said Lori.
"Okay."
Well, they were on a wavelength. "Remember, it doesn't all have to be fireworks," Bea added. "Some of it is just the pleasure of having someone to be around."
Germ nodded and looked at the nervous girl on the roof's edge. "Wait," he said. "Aren't you fourteen?"
"I just turned fifteen!" said Lori.
Germ turned to Bea. "Is it creepy if she's fifteen and I'm seventeen?"
"Not really. That's a pretty typical age difference. Girls mature faster than boys, anyway."
"But what next month when I turn eighteen and she's still fifteen? Are we, like… breaking the law, then?"
Bea sighed and puffed on the dregs of her cigarette. "Honestly? I think yes. Our state doesn't have the smartest age of consent laws. If you had sex at that point you'd be guilty of corrupting a minor. But you'll be fine if you just take it slow."
"Screw the law!" piped Lori suddenly. "I want to break it if I can."
"Okay, well…" Bea struggled to express herself. "I think that might be the single worst reason I've ever heard for rushing into sex."
"I dunno," said Germ. "I don't want to do anything nonconsensual."
"But I'm consenting!" insisted Lori.
"Consenting to have sex after I'm eighteen?" Germ asked. It was amazing how he didn't seem to feel one way or another about the idea of sex with Lori, or about the fact she'd just skipped at least half a dozen relationship milestones. "I don't think you can consent if you're not sixteen yet."
"Like I'm not allowed to?"
"You can try. I just don't think it takes." He looked to Bea for confirmation, but she was honestly lost for words.
"That's ridiculous," insisted Lori. "Are you saying I'm perfectly capable of consenting to sex today, but the moment you have your eighteenth birthday, my understanding of the situation flies out the window and I become some sort of… gibbering zombie?"
"I think? It's like, having sex with an adult is different from having sex with a teen. It's heavy somehow. You don't know everything that goes into it."
Clearly Germ didn't know any more than Lori did. "You guys. Please take it slow," Bea advised. "Don't do anything you'll regret."
"Do you know if you get conjugal visits in juvenile detention?" asked Lori.
Bea finished her cigarette, threw the butt next to the wall, and rubbed it out with her foot. "I don't know," she said honestly.
"That's a pretty good question," said Germ.
"It really isn't," said Bea.
"We could look it up," suggested Lori. "We could wreck the room they give us. Just wreck it completely."
"Hmm," said Germ. He paused for thought. "I think maybe not go to jail?"
Lori huffed. "I think it would be romantic, but okay."
Germ gave a tiny nod. "I think we just got through our first argument!"
Lori squealed happily and bounced on her rooftop seat.
"That was pretty much the dumbest argument," said Bea.
"Aren't they all?" replied Germ.
Wow. Bea was starting to think these two really deserved each other. "Maybe. But okay, look. You really shouldn't engage in underage sex. You probably won't go to jail, realistically speaking. But you don't want to risk getting into a huge fight and having a crime to hold over each other's heads."
"I wouldn't do that," protested Germ. "I like Lara."
"It's Lori," said Lori.
"Oh right. Lori."
Bea was tempted to light up again, but she was smoking on a budget. "If you want my advice?" she offered. "Get to know each other better before getting physical. Like, you know. To the point of getting each other's names right. Details like that."
Germ tilted his head. "Was that sarcasm?"
"Um. More like ironic understatement, I think?"
He nodded. "Got it. I'll get there." His head tilted up toward Lori: "I guess we should work on building trust?"
"Oh, I know how to do that! You stand up here and fall backwards, and I'll stand on the ground and catch you."
Germ pondered. "Hm. What if this is all a trick to get me to break my neck?"
"Oh! It's not, but it would be funny if it were!" the girl admitted. "I hadn't thought of that."
"And there you go," interrupted Bea. "You don't trust each other yet. Maybe stick to the ground and just spend time together not breaking your necks?"
Germ nodded. "We can do that."
"Sure," said Lori. "I think we shouldn't rule out roof-falling, though. It sounds pretty fun."
"I could try my skateboard on a rooftop, I guess."
"Please don't die," said Bea.
"You should wear your best underwear in case you don't make it," suggested Lori.
"Already got 'em on."
Bea made a dismissive noise. "I never understood why people want to wear their best underwear for dying in. Dying isn't a hot-ticket item. It's something you should be content to wear ordinary underwear for. Your best underwear is for dating, if dating is something you do. Mae agrees with me on this, by the way."
Lori peeked under her stretch pants. "I've got different categories of underwear, actually."
"Oh yeah?" Germ asked.
"Yeah, I've got clean white panties for sleeping and if I ever get naked with anyone. But I've got ones with guns and bats and things on them for if I die."
"Cool. Bats like baseball bats, or like the flying kind?"
"The flying kind."
"Okay, well. That's cute, I guess," Bea admitted.
"You're pretty smart, huh?" Germ asked his new girlfriend.
Lori blushed. "Well, I mean. I'm not exactly dumb."
This was actually, weirdly, looking like it might work out. "Okay, well," said Bea. "Germ, since you started out this conversation thinking you might be gay, just remember to be honest with Lori. If it doesn't feel like you're clicking, let her know, and if it's not too late, you can probably still be friends."
"Yeah, just let me know if you start getting girl cooties," said Lori.
Okay," nodded Germ.
"One more thing," Bea added. "Since this is apparently your first relationship… enjoy it. You'll be comparing others to it for the rest of your lives."
"That's kind of heavy," said Lori.
"Yeah," said Germ. "That's sort of a lot of pressure."
Bea shrugged. "No need to drag it out if it isn't working. You both have a lot of learning left to do before you know what you want. God knows I'm not there yet."
"Right," said Germ. "Like if it turns out I'm gay."
"You wouldn't have to be gay to stop liking me," replied Lori matter-of-factly. "I'm a little ugly, so."
"That's okay," said Germ. "I'm weird-looking."
Bea had to admit their over-the-top candor was refreshing. "Well, different strokes for different folks. You need anything else from me?"
"Nah, that's all for now," replied Germ. "Thanks. Hey Lori, whaddya want to do?"
"I could show you my secret hideouts," she suggested, leaping down from the roof.
Germ took her hand. "Sounds like a plan. Okay, we're gonna go be a relationship. See you, Bea."
"Anytime," she found herself saying.
Bea watched the two of them walk down the alley, 'being a relationship'. Well, that had been interesting. A little excruciating, a little amusing. Different from her usual end-of-day bundle of emotions, anyway.
She was definitely going to have to keep tabs on these two.
A/N: This scene was based on an amusing Telegram conversation. I was in character; my friend was not. I have replaced him with Beatrice, as all good folk aspire to be replaced.
There may not be any more of this! But I suspect there will be, because I find the pairing of Germ and Lori very amusing and chances are I'll think of something dumb for them to do.