Title: Please Baby Please
Author: Trista Groulx aka dustytiger
Rating: T like the show to be safe
Disclaimer: I do not own Bull, I am a poor crafter on disability, Bull is owned by its creator, network, writers, actors and actresses who bring it to life weekly. I also do not own the quote it belongs to Serena Ryder and likely all kinds of music types.
Summary: Instead of enjoying lunch with her brother, Izzy finds Bull in a somber spot after he left a client meeting.
Notes: So this is not my usual happy fuzzy fic, this one is one of my rare sad angsty fics. The idea popped into my head and needed to be written even though fic is usually my happy place. Also the song I used as the title has been begging me to use it for years, and so I finally did, check it out if you want it's quite haunting and beautiful. (Please Baby Please by Serena Ryder). This fic deals with the fact that they lost a baby (as mentioned in season one's "Too Perfect") so tread lightly or not at all depending on how that may affect you. This is just a little stand alone.
...please baby please, if you come back you'll see, windows wide open, for hearts that are long gone away, wait, wait for the day, wait for the one that takes us away, and as far as I can see, it wasn't anything you did to me, please baby please, come back to me...
Jason Bull stood in front of a grave marker, it wasn't a usual one; it only had a name Violet Anne Bull and a quote "forever in our hearts" with no dates listed. She may never have taken her first breath, but she needed a resting place. Her parents needed a place to go, to remember her, for a few brief moments when she had been very real, and her loss had changed the course of their lives. A few tears fell down his cheeks as a cold wind blew. He heard footsteps behind him, but out of respect didn't look back to see who else was out on the blustery grey afternoon.
"Jason," a familiar voice whispered.
She was the last person he was expecting to see that day. She wrapped her arm around him and he gladly hugged her, maybe for a little longer than he should have. It wasn't as if they hadn't spent time there together before. Despite their marriage being legally over there were still times they needed to mourn this loss together. This wasn't one of those anniversaries. He was there for his own reasons, and wasn't sure how she could know he'd be here.
"I was going to lunch with Benny," Isabella Colon explained. "They were worried. I said I knew where to find you. I didn't want to tell them where."
They all knew about the baby they'd lost, she hadn't been lost in the early stages, it was one of the reasons they had this place, but it wasn't something they shared with anyone. This simple marker was private. They had agreed never to share it, not even with their families. He was sure she'd gone without him, just as he'd gone without her in the past, but he thought he'd be alone now. It was one of the few things they had to remind them how much she'd meant to them.
He nodded. "What did they tell you?"
"You stormed out of a client meeting with a woman who wanted to reinstate her parental rights to her abandoned daughter."
"No!" he snapped, she was so startled she noticeably jumped. "Abandoning your child is leaving them in the hundreds of safe spaces in the city! It's not leaving your child out in the cold like piece of trash!"
"Jason," she whispered, reaching for his hand, glad he didn't pull away, she was only beginning to understand why had left work and why he was there.
"We wanted our baby. We would have given her everything and we got her ripped away for us. And this woman, she never wanted that baby. Then she comes into my office and acts like she made some sort of mistake. I couldn't listen anymore. I had to leave, maybe it wasn't professional of me, but I don't care. I just couldn't sit there and listen to her."
"Jason you don't know," she tried reason.
"No one does that to a baby they want Izzy. There are safe haven laws to prevent that kind of thing. Babies aren't supposed to be left out in cold alleys like they're not important, and have to grow up thinking they never mattered. That woman did that to her baby. Now she wants her back, it shouldn't work like that, and if it does, I want no part of it."
"There's a reason she wants the baby back."
"Yes, there is, it's called narcissism. She found out the baby has a good life, a better life than her, and now she wants her back. She's acting like she didn't do something horribly wrong by leaving her alone and scared in alley. She did, and if we took that case we'd be pretending like she didn't I can't do that and I know I'm not the only person who feels that way."
She nodded. "I'm so sorry Jason."
"I could have handled it differently." He paused for a long moment. "She would have been starting school soon."
"I bet you'd be one of those dads trying to peak in the classroom," she told him.
"And you wouldn't have been one of those moms?"
She shrugged. She knew he would have been one of those dads who thought that his daughter was an angel, and that little angel would have had her daddy wrapped around her little finger too. She couldn't count the times she'd thought about those little moments, about how they might try to have a son one day so that she might have her little mama's boy who would look just like his dad. Standing there was a a very real reminder of all that would never be. She never got to see the look on his face the first time he saw their daughter, they never got to experience any of her firsts, but clearly they both thought about those lost moments often.
"You can't tell me she wasn't the reason you opened a daycare at Bella," he added.
"Like you didn't do the same at TAC, Jason," she reasoned.
He shrugged this time, of course he had thought about that when he had decided to offer onsite daycare to his employees, but he knew in his heart that if anyone would have her close it would have been Izzy, and he would have been fine with that. Although he would let his mind wonder once in a while, about what it might be like if the daycare workers would let the boss' daughter go up and visit. There were so many scenarios that never got a chance to happen instead of any of that. Instead, here they were in front of a solemn grave marker that almost no one even knew existed.
She hugged him. "Can you imagine how spoiled she'd be?"
"You say that like it's a bad thing," he told her, knowing he had to break the hug, although a part of him would be happy to keep her in his arms forever.
"You think about that?"
He nodded. "Of course, going off with Uncle Benny to museums, or Aunt Marissa taking her out for lunch and a spa day; Uncle Chunk teaching her how to toss around a football; Aunt Danny teaching her how not to take shit from anyone, and Cable-."
"Just Cable, not Aunt Cable?"
"Can you picture Cable being called Aunt Cable?"
"Okay, fair enough."
"And Cable bringing her to those comic book conventions all dressed up in those strange costumes she likes."
"It's called cosplay. You have thought about her."
"Don't you?" he asked pulling her back toward him.
"Every day," she whispered, he kissed her forehead softy. "Jason."
Maybe for someone else this might be innocent, platonic even, but for them it was so more. There was an intimacy behind it; he'd done it so many times when she'd been in plain, even if it didn't lead to more there was always love behind it. She let her mind wonder for a moment, was it possible there was still emotion behind it, but she chased that away quickly. What they shared was gone, and the reason was at their feet in many ways it was laying there staring back at them.
"Izzy," he sighed.
More tears fell down her cheeks. "We tried already."
"We never talked like this before."
"Please, Jason, stop."
He was right, they hadn't talked about her before, not seriously, she had never been able to. He'd tried. He'd found therapists for them both, as a couple and individually, but she hadn't been ready. She had thrown herself into work and after a while it was too hard to be in the same house anymore. He was the one who wanted to make it work. They had never fallen out of love with one another, they just stopped communicating, and one day the paperwork came across his desk and he signed it. He didn't want to fight about it even though he had never wanted it to end, but it was what she'd wanted it, and he gave her that. Not that it had changed anything, they just stopped living different lives in the same home.
"I guess I owe Benny lunch," he said, finally breaking the silence.
She nodded. "Or I do."
"If I hadn't stormed out like a diva you would have gone to lunch. I'll get him something when I stop for my own lunch."
"Are you staying here?"
He shrugged. She squeezed his hand and they stood there a few minutes longer, thinking about how different things would have been if she had lived. A part of her was curious about trying again, but she wasn't sure she was ready. She wasn't sure he was ready either, with the wild stories her brother liked to share, although she suspected a lot of them were exaggerated. They stayed there, silent, but holding each other until a cold drizzle began to fall, then went to their separate cars, back to their separate lives.
Notes; Jinkies! That was HARD! I rarely end fic like this, I'm like the kids' movie fic ender lol.. but this one I really wanted to keep on the angst side. I hope you liked. Again this just a little stand alone it's what my muse gave me, who knows what I'll come up with next. Please let me know what you thought! Hearts and hugs.