This story follows on from the events of Batman Becomes a Pole Dancer and Superman vs. The Toilet. Just so you know why certain events are happening. Enjoy!
Batman was settling in to his old life once more. After Alfred had managed to save Wayne Enterprises from bankruptcy, Batman had bought back his old penthouse and was even considering re-doing Wayne Manor even though it was dilapidated and filled with bird crap these days. He secretly wanted his old house back because he was afraid of the penthouse ever since he had happened upon Alfred in the middle of the night and freaked out because he thought the aging man was a ghost or a homeless bum. At least Alfred was doing his job again and Batman had not had to clean up the resulting shit after he crapped himself in fear. He was back being The Batman now – saving people and kicking ass. He had even been to therapy to try and help with the severe PTSD he had after the pole-dancing experience. It hadn't worked. He was still waking up in the night and crying his eyes out whilst Alfred sung to him, wrapped him up in a blanket and used a plastic bag to catch the shit falling out of Batman's ever loosening anus. Batman was grateful and wondered how the aged man was still strong enough to carry 30 pounds of crap to the garbage disposal 14 times a day.
Meanwhile, across the river in Metropolis, Lois Lane was throwing all of Clark Kent's belongings out of the apartment window. This made Clark very sad because the apartment was on the 18th storey and so all of his stuff smashed on the floor below. He was also being sued for damages after the decontamination crew failed to remove all the shit stains from Lois's bathroom after the epic battle with the toilet. Superman was now broke. "I love you Lois!" He cried as he flew up to the window and accidentally got hit in the face with his stereo. "You should have thought about how much you loved me before you wrecked my apartment and flooded it with your own liquid feces!" Shouted Lois as she barfed onto Clark's head – the smell of the fecal matter causing massive nausea and dysentery in the reporter lady. "Get out of my life, Superman! I don't want you anymore! You ran up such a huge credit card bill buying beef bourguignon that I have to sell my apartment and go and live with your mother! She never wants to see you again either since I showed her the photo of what came out of your colon!" Superman floated back down to the ground clutching his socks and vintage record collection, which were the only things he had managed to salvage from his old life. He ignored the child in the burning apartment as he was too consumed with his own despair and loneliness. He looked at the credit card that he had found in the barf-pile on the floor and thought, 'well, I still need to eat!'. With this he flew away to the nearest French restaurant…but when he got there he realised that there was NO BEEF BOURGUIGNON ON THE MENU! What was this madness?! Superman got all angry and fired his lazer eye-beam at a nearby restaurant worker – frying his ass like crisp morning bacon. Exploding away, fear-powered shit streaming from his ass, Superman flew to the FDA to enquire as to why there was no beef being sold in any of Metropolis's restaurants. A food safety technician wrestled with him to stop him from obtaining entrance to the building, but sadly was dismembered by Superman's epic strength and later died.
Superman searched through lots of paperwork and it was all very boring, but at last he found a document entitled 'The Beef Problem' and he started to read – which was hard for him because Kryptonians didn't really enjoy reading because it over-stimulates the inner ear canal which causes ear-fluid to leak out onto nearby people. Also dogs really like the taste of Kryptonian ear-fluid and Superman had been forced to fry several canines with his eye-beams when they would not stop sticking their tongues down his ear. So back to the Beef Problem – it turns out that when Wayne Enterprises was illegally sold on the stock market it had been temporarily bought by LexCorp who had introduced experimental bovine hormones into agriculture. They did this to make the cows huge and addictively tasty and thus enslave the world through the power of beef (and cause deaths through rising childhood obesity because Lex was a cruel bastard like that). Anyway, when Alfred had re-bought Wayne Enterprises with his pension and savings he had overlooked the experimental bovine hormones and so now every cow in America was affected. Cows had become aggressive and violent towards farmers and passing birds. There were instances of cows standing on their back legs and staggering around before falling over and jet-hosing the nearby area with infected diarrhea. Something had gone wrong. It was like the cows were infected with some sort of zombie virus and nobody knew what the effects would be if humans ate the contaminated beef! BUT SUPERMAN HAD EATEN 60 BEEF BOURGUIGNONS AND HE HAD BECOME INFECTED! It all made sense to him now – the reason that he had such terrible diarrhea and had passed such a monumental Empire-State-shit was because his alien body was valiantly doing battle with Lex's evil beef hormone…..AND HE WAS LOSING!
Bit by bit, Superman had noticed that he was becoming more violent than usual and that his passive, friendly demeanour was changing in ominous ways. He had ignored a child screaming for help as he dangled perilously out of the window of his burning apartment…he had fried the ass of a store clerk just because there was no beef bourguignon being served…he had deliberately and gleefully sliced a FDA worker to pieces with his teeth JUST BECAUSE HE COULD! Something was happening to Superman…something wrong. He was fuelled by one overwhelming urge – he needed to eat, and he didn't care what he was eating or whether it was even still alive. He twitched madly as the urge overtook him again and he propelled himself out of the building at Mach 3. Where could he find plenty of food – nice living food that would feel slick and tasty as it slid down his gullet…? And then he realized….he could find all he needed at the Metropolis South old-folks home. Nobody would miss the people there. The diarrhea he had in anticipation (and to evacuate more room in his stomach) was sweet and smelled like an upcoming victory.
Meanwhile in Gotham City, Batman suddenly had a bad feeling. His senses were tingling and he was restless – pacing the bat-cave constantly and crouching low in the rafters whilst he thought. Batman could only think when he was crouching up high on buildings and it was dark. "Alfred! Something isn't right. I'm all on edge and my irritable bowel syndrome has been giving me Hell all morning." Alfred appeared by a nearby bat-console and stared up at where Batman was crouching, "Do you want me to fetch the bung for your backside again, sir? Those pictures in Gotham Today of you arresting the Scarecrow whilst diarrhea was streaming out of your anal area were really unflattering. I recommend taking some Imodium oral solution before you leave the bat-cave this time." Batman jumped out of the roof, landed awkwardly on his ankle and fell over, concussing himself badly on the tyre of the Batmobile. Alfred walked away to fetch the diarrhea medicine and sighed – he couldn't believe he'd let himself end up in this situation again. At least now, he was getting paid. Hopefully he could begin saving again soon, given that he'd lost his life's savings buying back Batman's company from Lex Luthor. Batman regained consciousness twenty minutes later and shakily rose to his feet. He found a glass of cloudy liquid resting on the hood of the Batmobile and drank it down like bourbon. It tasted foul and made him want to vomit but he somehow managed to keep it down in his stomach and then had a bat-snack to get rid of the awful taste. Then he jumped into the Batmobile and sped off out of the cave in order to find out why he had a bad feeling and what he could do about it. Alfred came back into the bat-cave and started to speak, "One more thing, Mister Batman sir. That diarrhea medicine is very strong and you should only drink a quarter of the gla….oh…you've gone. Well at least your colon won't be giving you any more trouble for at least the next four days. Ah well, I'm off to clean the kitchen from when you tried to cook spaghetti bolognaise last night and exploded it all over the walls." And then the aging man left.
Superman kicked down the door of the old-folks home and body-slammed a passing visitor into the wall. "You really shouldn't be here, Superman" said the manager who picked up an umbrella to brandish as a weapon against the Man of Steel. Superman seethed and glared at the old people – who had previously been enjoying a leisurely game of bingo – and then his gaze came to rest on a particularly mature and well-aged woman with a lot of extra meat on her rump. He felt his oral fluid begin to flow and began to drool all over himself. It was sticky and bits of clothing from the nearby coat-stand stuck to him as he passed. He approached the woman and began growling uncontrollably. She squealed as he picked her up and sliced her in two with his lazer-eyes. She screamed in pain, but then the lazer pierced her heart and she died peacefully – Superman began cutting her up with his eye-powers and eventually he sliced off her butt and stuffed one cheek into his mouth whole. The other ass-cheek he would reserve for stewing at a later date, and so he tucked it into his underpants and got up to survey the room before him. The old people were shuffling swiftly towards the exit, hitting each other out of the way with their walking frames in order to escape the cannibalistic mayhem that had interrupted their bingo day. Superman duelled with the old folks home manager, using the leg of the now deceased lady as a sword and deftly parrying the blows of the umbrella wielding manager. The middle-aged man soon lost the fight and was unexpectedly decapitated by Superman swinging a leg of old woman at supersonic speed. Superman took the arms of the man to eat later – attaching them to his belt like some sort of bizarre trophy of a big-game hunt. The bovine hormones had totally kicked in now and Superman officially had – what was being termed by the US government as 'Bovine Rabies'. He needed to be stopped.
Just then Superman's senses leapt into overdrive as he heard the screeching of tyres outside the old folks home, accompanied by a crash, some old people screaming, then silence for a long time…only broken by a gruff voice announcing, "Oh, shit. I'll probably be sued for that." Superman would recognise that voice anywhere. The Batman. He propelled himself through the nearby wall, scattering bricks over the hood of the Batmobile, and he surveyed the scene before him. Batman had accidentally ploughed the Batmobile through a group of escaping elderly people, killing them and wedging one under the wheel-arch of the front tyre. The old man – surprisingly alert given his current predicament – waved his cane and shouted, "You young people these days! Learn to drive!" Batman locked his cool gaze with the steely eyes of Superman and spoke, "So, you're no longer the hero that I tried to kill with a Kryptonite spear." Superman had lost the ability to speak and just growled and drooled in response, blood oozing from the old-lady-rump that he had stored in his pants, making it look like he had an oversized dong that was bleeding massively. Batman was very confused. "So, you've resorted to cannibalism. Look, Lois told me about the apartment. I can buy the place, pay for it to be re-decorated and we can all go back to living our lives like normal." Superman growled and gurgled as he stuffed the old man's head into his jaws and began to crunch it like candy. Batman was noticeably disturbed and he felt his bowel muscles relax….but strangely no shit came forth. That medicine that Alfred had given him really did wonders for his IBS, which always flared up when he was in the vicinity of Superman. This time Batman would have to do battle without the aid of his innards.
"AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGH!" Batman hollered as he launched a bat-karate kick to Superman's head. He sprained his ankle and Clark was completely unaffected by the assault. He was, however, very angry. He got up and began gnashing his teeth at Batman's leg but fortunately Batman's suit was made of Kevlar and therefore Superman was finding it difficult to gnaw through. Batman kicked Superman in the head repeatedly and managed to free his leg, although the leg of his suit ripped off and now he had to fight with one bare leg. The Dark Knight suddenly had an idea and whipped out the bat-grappling-hook from somewhere on his utility belt. He aimed it at Superman's jaws and fired. It latched onto Superman's bottom teeth and trapped his tongue so that he was temporarily unable to eat people. Batman started reeling him in like he was fishing and pondered what he should do with the Man of Steel once he reached the end of his grappling line. Superman flailed his arms around in a windmill motion and started to take off because of the speed his was gaining, but Batman pulled him back in on the bat-line. Superman powered up his anus and propelled himself high into the stratosphere with his diarrhea shot – the bat-grappling-hook was pulled from Batman's grasp and the Dark Knight could only watch as his nemesis jet-hosed himself away in a flurry of diarrhea and dead old people. Batman glared up at the sky and declared to himself under his breath, "This means war." He then got back into his Batmobile, un-wedged the old man from under his front tyre and drove away at breakneck speed into the growing dusk.
"ALFRED!" Yelled Batman as he jumped out of his supercar as it came to a halt in the bat-cave. "Yes, Mister Batman sir?" Came the reply from the old butler as he came out of the relaxation room wearing his sauna towel. "I need you to call some people for me – I need some Kryptonite from Lex Luthor, some help from Diana Prince and a decoy from Hal Jordan. And I also need some new tyres for the car because I got old people lodged in the wheel-arches." Alfred rolled his eyes and face-palmed, "We do have a phone, Mister Batman. It's over there on the table next to the Jenga set. You can call those people yourself." Batman became all scared and chills went down his spine, "But Alfred, that's too much like work. Besides, the last time I used a phone it blew up in my face and I had to have reconstructive surgery as a result." Alfred remembered that he was now being paid and so asked Batman for a raise. "Whatever you want, old man, it's yours. Just make the calls." And so Alfred did.
Lex Luthor could not believe that 'The Batman' was asking for his help. That 'The Batman' now wanted to buy some Kryptonite from him, after stealing it from his secret warehouse and losing it in the first place. The problem was that Lex no longer had any Kryptonite and told Batman that it would take at least two weeks for him to source some and have it shipped to the US from China. He also demanded that Batman freed him from gaol and paid him $50,000,000 for his import expenses that would be applied to the Kryptonite due to the Trump administration's new trade restrictions on Chinese goods. Batman agreed to his terms and signed the cheque straight away. Lex Luthor gathered his meagre belongings and left gaol later that day – he went straight to a wig-maker in order to have a ginger toupee made because he hated the fact that his head had been shaved when he first went to gaol. His hair had never grown back due to the horrors of gaol. Lex contacted some of his underworld friends and organised for the shipping of a large lump of Kryptonite that had been found off the shore of Hong Kong earlier that month. He gleefully awaited the real and final death of Superman.
Diana Prince – also known as Wonder Woman – was drinking a cocktail on the beach of Bermuda whilst enjoying her three-week honeymoon with notorious lawyer/criminal Harvey Dent. Harvey had accidentally started an argument with himself over whether he wanted the steak or the salad for dinner that evening. Diana shook her head and secretly swooned at the fact she had married two men rolled into one. She got a fright when her cell phone rang in her pocket and was confused and alarmed to see Alfred calling her. She answered the phone in her beautiful Amazonian accent, "Alfred, what are you doing? You said you would only call me in an…." He cut her short, "Yes, ma'am, it is an emergency. Mister Batman has got himself involved in a rather nasty fight with your old friend Superman. It turns out that Superman has Bovine Rabies and has devoured an entire old folks home, a supermarket, a small Amish barn-raising and the long dead contents of a pet cemetery. We need you to come back to Gotham and help us with this rather…unique situation." Diana scrunched up her face in confusion, "Wait, how did Superman get this terrible affliction? What is making him kill innocent people….it must be the influence of Ares, Alfred, don't you see?" Batman's butler interjected, "No, Miss Prince….or is it Mrs Dent now…it's a simple matter of Superman eating too many portions of beef bourguignon that had been contaminated with a bovine hormone developed by LexCorp to control the world through a wave of horrible obesity. Ares is not involved. You have to be aware though, all US beef is contaminated with this Bovine Rabies thing and you MUST NOT EAT IT." Wonder Woman was not concerned by this as she was a vegetarian, but she dropped the cell phone immediately as she saw her husband – Harvey Dent – raising a fork to his lips, with a big juicy lump of steak on the end of it. "NOOOO", she cried as she tackled Harvey to the floor – knocking him out cold on a nearby bar-stool. The lump of meat hurtled through the air and knocked a passing albatross out of the sky. It fell onto Wonder Woman's head and she was horrified as she saw its death as a bad omen. Evil Superman had been possessed by Ares and MUST BE STOPPED.
Hal Jordan was trying to wrap his nephew's birthday present, whilst driving his car to a meeting at the Air Force base that he was late for. His phone rang in his pocket, and he proved that men can indeed multi-task by answering that as well. "Alfred, hi, how are you? Has Batman reconsidered my offer to move to Coast City and serve as my live-in maid?" Alfred replied, "Unfortunately not, Mr Jordan. We have a rather urgent…situation…which we need you to come and help us with. It turns out that Superman…" Hal cut him short, "Has gone nuts and it currently rampaging in downtown San Diego? Yeah, Alfred, I know. I watch CNN sometimes, you know. And Clark is all over it." He swerved the car to avoid an oncoming truck, as Hal had somehow ended up on the wrong side of the road. "Will you help us?" enquired Alfred and Hal started laughing. "I wouldn't miss a chance to fight Superman! It's a challenge I'm happy to take on. What else is a Green Lantern for? Listen Alfred, I'll fly over to Gotham this evening – I really have to go to my nephew's party. There'll be a bouncy castle there and everything." Then Hal hung up. Alfred was so happy to finally stop talking to these idiots on the phone and shat himself unexpectedly in relief. He sat in his own waste for a few moments and just looked at himself in a nearby floor-length mirror that Batman liked to pose in front of in his spare time. This was the first time that Alfred has succumbed to a Batman-esque display of bowelly drama, and he inwardly began to wonder whether this was the start of senile incontinence. He sloped off quietly to clean himself up and prepare himself for the war-briefing that was to follow.
Superman was pissed. The Walmart full of unsuspecting shoppers had not nearly sated his gargantuan appetite and he'd begun to think that San Diego was a bit lame. He flew across to the other coast of America and began eating his way up the East coast until he arrived in Washington. By this point he was so over-encumbered by human remains that he had attached a large refrigerator to his waist by a length of rope and was towing it behind him as he flew. His drool was acting as a sticky glue and had cemented many items of clothing, severed limbs and mangy fur from the pet cemetery to his Superman outfit. The genetically engineered Bovine hormones had given Superman a raging boner which was straining against it's imprisonment in his iconic underwear. Superman had a moment of human realization as he ripped the arms off the Chief of Staff who had come to parlay with him on the steps of the Whitehouse…he saw his old life flash before his eyes. Lois Lane, his job at the Daily Planet, his alliance with other heroes, his mother…the incident with the toilet. As he stuffed the Chief of Staff's arms into his gaping maw and started chewing vigorously, Superman had PTSD flashbacks to the time when he passed a shit so massive that it towered out of the toilet like a monumental skyscraper of turd. It fractured the toilet pan. It spilled out into the room…onto the floor…out of the window. The smell was so powerful that it repeatedly caused Superman to pass out and face-plant into his own fecal matter. It was the single most terrible moment in his life. Ever. And it was the source of Superman's deepest and darkest secret. The iconic pants he wore on the outside of his trousers….were actually ADULT DIAPERS!" Superman was now so scared of using toilets that he just wore adult diapers, shat himself when necessary, changed the diaper and then went about his superhero business as normal. That said, he did have to spend hours each day coloring the diapers in with the crayons he kept in his back pocket – so that the diaper would blend in with his Superman outfit. When the shit stains showed through his diapers, he would simply hide them with his cape.
But now there was a dreadful problem for Superman…his large and angry boner strained his diaper to it's limits and caused his fabric-encased dong to look like a traffic cone attached to his groin. It was getting hard to lug a fridge around and devour passing people whilst trying to maintain control of the ravenous beast at his crotch. And he was getting jock itch, and that was never pleasant. As the Secretary of Defence walked down the Whitehouse steps to attempt to reason with the Man of Steel, Superman lapsed back into his Bovine Rabies induced stupor and froze the man to the spot with his ice-breath, before shattering him into a million pieces by doing a karate-chop with his dong. He knew in that instant, that he not only needed to keep shoving human flesh into his ever expanding gut – but he also needed to satiate his carnal appetite for the pleasures of the flesh. SUPERMAN NEEDED TO HAVE SEX! He shot up into the air, using his dong as a rudder to direct his flight-path to the vicinity of Metropolis. He needed to find Lois Lane…. The President was unharmed during Superman's visit to the Whitehouse because he was not there and was in Mar-a-Lago enjoying some golf and Big Macs.
In the bat-cave, Alfred was standing beside a large whiteboard and pointing to it with a large stick. Around the long bat-shaped table in front of him sat Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Lex Luthor and Harvey Dent (who didn't really know why he was there, only that he had been dragged there by his wife and told to maintain a strict vegetarian diet until this whole contaminated meat thing blew over). Alfred cleared his throat and spoke, "Right, so this is the plan. Miss Prince…I mean Mrs Dent…you will lure Superman out into the open by simply standing there and using your raw sex appeal to engage Superman's manly desires. Judging by the reports coming out of Pennsylvania, he's got a desperate need to fornicate and so someone as beautiful and strong as you are will be sure to attract his carnal attention. I suggest you wear this diarrhea shield over your face though as the footage that has emerged on YouTube has proven to be quite disturbing. It seems that the Man of Steel has totally lost control over his colon and there is some scientific debate over whether or not the colon has actually developed its own consciousness and is now a separate being completely. Mister Luthor has kindly provided some Kryptonite which will arrive in Gotham harbor tonight by cargo ship from China. This means that we will have the means to kill Superman, BUT we will have to stall him until the cargo ship arrives in port and pays the import duties at 8PM tonight. That's where you come into things, Mister Batman sir. Your job is to stall Superman by letting him kick the crap out of you for a few hours until the Kryptonite is in our hands. Here's a diarrhea shield for you too – although judging by your numerous bowelly incidents, I don't think a bit of molten feces will bother you too much."
Batman interrupted, "About that Alfred…I haven't been able to go to the toilet for three days. Ever since I drank that Imodium you left out for me. My gut feels like it's fit to burst with all the poop that's accumulated in me. And Hal keeps poking me in the stomach and it's giving me terrible gas." Green Lantern laughed and jabbed Batman with a green conjured pool cue, "I'm sorry Batman, I just think it's hilarious that the Dark Knight is so full of poop that he farts every time he moves." Alfred smacked Batman and Green Lantern over the head with his pointing stick, "Enough tomfoolery. Mister Jordan, your role will be to stand next to Wonder Woman at all times and glow as green as you possibly can. We're going to use you as a decoy to try and fool Superman into thinking that Diana is standing next to glowing green Kryptonite, and therefore deter him from getting close to her and…well, boning her like there is no tomorrow." Hal looked stunned, "So…you just want me to…glow green. You do realize that I've worked with Superman so many times that he knows I'm not made of Kryptonite? He knows the Lantern ring can conjure green light. This plan is seriously lacking in the brain department." Alfred whacked Hal on the head again with the pointing stick. "Thanks to Mister Luthor's research, we have reason to believe that Superman's brain has devolved into that of a vegetable. He is no longer capable of human thought or reason. Technically he's just vegetating around on auto-pilot. We know he has two weaknesses – the green glow of Kryptonite and toilets. So, like a caveman and fire, Superman will see your green glow and will naturally avoid it because of his deeply rooted fear of deadly Kryptonite. You are a very important part of this plan, Mr Jordan, and I expect you to protect Diana with your life. Superman cannot bone her. She just got married."
At this moment, Lex Luthor coughed and stood up – trying to stop his toupee from slipping off his head as he rapidly and jerkily moved his hands and began to speak. "Speaking of Lex Luthor's fabulous research. I've developed a…hm…little device that I want you to wear, Mr Jordan – Hal…can I call you Hal?" Green Lantern opened his mouth to reply but Lex did not wait for him to speak, "Anyway, this device emits the same radiation pulse as Kryptonite. Perfectly safe for you to wear but…hm…deadly for Superman. It will help to convince him that you really do have Kryptonite and your not just an expendable decoy. You're all welcome for the assistance by the way, really. No need to all thank me at once." Alfred smacked Lex on the head with the pointing stick which knocked him back into his seat. "Yes, thank-you Mister Luthor. Mister Jordan I suggest you wear that around your neck at all times during this battle. So we're all set to attack Super…" Someone interrupted from the opposite end of the table, "Err, why am I actually here? What's my role to play in all this?" Harvey Dent looked very confused and toyed with his double-sided Liberty dollar with one hand. Diana rested her hand on his shoulder and looked deep into his odd-colored eyes, "Harvey, your role is a very important one. If we should succeed against Ares then we will need the best attorney in America to help us with the multiple charges of property damage that will inevitably arise from having a super-powered fight in the middle of Gotham City. Do you think you can do that for us? For me?" Harvey scowled and flipped the coin; it landed on the unblemished side and, after a moment of thought, he looked back up into his wife's eyes and nodded, "I don't give a damn about these freaks….but I'll do it for you. I'll be the best goddamn lawyer you've ever seen. Be safe out there." Alfred made to smack Harvey and Diana over the head with the pointing stick but Diana grabbed it as it swung through the air and snapped it effortlessly, "Hit me with that and you will get a taste of Amazonian fury, old man." Alfred shat himself in fear and mild arousal. Then everyone departed to head toward the battleground. Wonder Woman rode in the passenger seat of the Batmobile, Green Lantern flew and Lex Luthor got his mafia buddies to chauffer him to Gotham harbor. Harvey Dent was left alone in the bat-cave as Alfred retired to his bedroom for his midday nap. He sat at the bar, turned on the news and poured himself a double bourbon. This would be a Hell of a show.
Superman went back to Metropolis, eating everything in his path, regardless of race, species or religion. He discovered that he had a particular taste for garbage and the random delicacies that people carelessly threw out. Shoving whole garbage bags in his mouth, he growled around Metropolis looking for Lois Lane: the woman who's body he needed. He needed. Needed more than all the garbage dumps in the world combined. They were meant to copulate. Destined. Superman began gathering garbage bags under his arm and shoving them in the fridge he towed behind him; it would make a nice mating bed, where he could have a snack after exerting all that carnal bovine-hormone-fuelled energy. Mating in garbage was a common thing for Kryptonians to do back on his home world and he thought he would, at last, go back to his traditional roots. He flew into a garbage truck to rescue some garbage bags just as the crusher came down and became hopelessly entangled in a stencheous mass of dumpster-juice. Wrestling through garbage to obtain his freedom was a difficult exercise, even for the Man of Steel. Half of his outfit came off and he was now encased in rotting garbage bags. He was torn between eating the refuse or flying off to find Lois Lane, so he decided to fly whilst eating. The garbage truck took off with the garbagemen still in the cab, as Superman piloted the thing towards Gotham City – he knew that Lois liked to frequent a trendy Shwarma place there. Little did he know, that someone else had found Lois first…
Wonder Woman was in position, standing in the middle of Gotham cargo port looking all sultry and alluring in her usual Amazonian outfit. She had needed to take some Imodium oral solution given that she had eaten a particularly nasty vegetarian burrito at Wayne Manor because Alfred had used the expired cheese again. So to stop horrendous diarrhea, Diana had taken a dose of Imodium worthy of her status as demigod. Suffice to say, WayneGreens (Wayne Enterprises had bought WalGreens) was now out of diarrhea medication, so Hal and Batman would have to go it alone. Like men. Green Lantern was stood nearby – glowing like an emerald lighthouse at the end of the wharf. He was wearing Lex's radiation pendant around his neck and was cursing because Lex had deliberately designed it to look stupid – like mardi-gras beads shaped like bats. He did his best to try and hide them beneath his skin-tight spandex suit, but this just caused horrible pain as the beads dug into his chest and the radiation burned bat symbols into his skin. He did not have diarrhea because he had passed on the burrito as he was on a diet. Batman was gone on a mission – a mission that Hal assumed he would probably fail at. Batman had really gone downhill ever since he went broke and became a stripper for a day – the emotional pain and sadness had caused him to become a bungling idiot, colonically incontinent, emotionally dead and he also sent Robin away to military school and now whenever he came home he would kick Batman's ass because Robin was now not so gay. Suddenly Diana cried out as something huge shot across the sky. It looked like a burning meteor, but she soon realized that it was a flying garbage truck that was burning up upon re-entry to Earth's atmosphere. It landed on the quay and the whole top of the vehicle exploded outwards in a shower of molten metal, dead garbagemen, petrol and rancid trash-juice. Superman also exploded out of the truck and landed on all fours on the pavement in front of Diana – he was not wearing much, apart from things that had become glued to him by his own saliva, and half a trash bag worn as a cape. She could already see his angry, red, raging boner swaying in the midnight Gotham breeze. She gasped! Superman began powering up his targeted anal-shot from beneath his diaper and turned it to face Hal, who noticeably paled with the realization that liquid shit was about to be liberally sprayed all over him like some sort of evil lawn sprinkler. Wonder Woman shouted as she sprang forwards with her shield and sword poised to strike at Superman, but at the last moment she noticed that he had begun to charge up his eye-lazers and was leering at her in an unnerving and drool-encrusted manner. Superman thought that, if she did not have a head, she would be an easier romantic conquest.
All of a sudden there was the noise of a megaphone screeching to life from atop a nearby building, and Batman's Strepsils-deprived voice blared annoyingly across the harbor. "I wouldn't do that, Superman….you don't want to shit on my friends when I'm holding the woman you love HOSTAGE." Batman was dangling Lois Lane over the edge of a nearby building and was holding the megaphone in his other hand. Lois was struggling and crying out to Superman, "Oh, Clark, please help me! I didn't mean what I said at the apartment the other day…I was just so angry that the only photo I have of my mother had been irreparably damaged by shit. Please forgive me! Save me, Superman!" She looked at Batman and he nodded in approval – the two had hatched the plan together in a bid to get Superman to calm down and stop eating people. Superman turned his head, whilst still charging his eyes and his anal beam, and looked at Lois dangling helplessly over the edge of the building. He thought about her and how pathetic she looked whilst being strangled by Batman over the edge of a building. He wondered how he could've ever loved someone so weak. Diana was so much stronger, prettier and did not have the same garbage-bag allergy that Lois had and therefore would be more amenable to Clark's newfound favorite food – garbage. He turned back to Diana and shot her with his eye-lazers whilst poop spurted forth from his anal cavity like a whale's spout, covering Hal Jordan and blasting him across the harbor. Diana got back up again and noticed that Superman was now growling, burbling and launching himself across the paving towards her, with a fridge and many garbage bags in tow. He fired his eye-lazers again but Wonder Woman crossed her arms with a shout and clashed her bracers together, sending a wave of godly energy towards Superman and blowing his eye-beams back into his own face. He landed in a pile of garbage and immediately began eating. His fridge was now completely trashed and so he ate it and fantasised about Diana and how she would be unconscious by the time he had smothered her with garbage and boned her relentlessly.
Meanwhile on the roof, Batman felt his bowels move for the first time in four days and crossed his legs. The shock of feeling a large log moving in his rectum caused him to accidentally release his grip on Lois Lane's throat and she tumbled down into a crate of haddock that was being delivered to the Iceberg Lounge for the Penguin's dinner. She fell unconscious immediately because of the stench. "Oh crap!" Said Batman as he shuffled towards the emergency stairwell in order to climb down the building – he could no longer swing around the rooftops with his bat-grapling-hook because it would dislodge the massive boulder sitting against his anus. Then Batman had a brainwave! If he released his bowels at the perfect moment – when he was at the peak of his grappling hook swing – then he could use the tidal wave of shit to temporarily blind Superman and give Diana the advantage. He thought that Hal was probably dead from toxic shock syndrome.
As Superman attempted to remove Wonder Woman's armor with his teeth, she shrieked because she did not want him to bite her and transmitted Bovine Rabies. Research by LexCorp had indicated that the virus had mutated and was now causing zombification in humans and could be transmitted by bites and by semen. She struggled and eventually managed to throw Superman through a nearby wall. At that exact moment, Hal Jordan re-appeared from the sea and glowed with all of his might, "Hey, Superman! Like my new Kryptonite suit?" This got Superman's attention and he started to roll around like he was having an exorcism in a pile of his own crap and garbage. "DIANA!" Shouted Batman through the megaphone as he came swinging through the air, "MOVE! NOW!" The Amazonian flung herself into the sea, landed on Hal and they both fell into the waves together, where they hid in the submarine that Hal conjured up with the Green Lantern ring. Batman began to oscillate wildly like a spinning top as he hurtled towards Superman. As he saw the Man of Steel look up and growl at him, Batman allowed his bowels to relax…and he gave birth to a humongous colonic meteorite. It tore Batman's anus badly and it was followed by a streak of shitty blood through the sky. When it hit Clark in the face, it engulfed his head and made it look like he had just grown a chocolate chip cookie as a head (Batman had eaten raisins a while ago and they were visible in the turd). Superman felt the fecal matter bung up his eyes, nose and earholes and then he had a panic attack and fell unconscious. Diana and Hal got out of the sea and helped Batman haul Clark into a small car that they towed behind the Batmobile as they drove rapidly towards the place where the cargo ship carrying Kryptonite would dock.
Lex Luthor was very worried. The ship that had docked in berth #3 was supposed to be the one from Hong Kong that was carrying the lump of Superman-defeating Kryptonite…and the chemical weapons that he had ordered on the side. As the men began to unload the ship, Lex quickly realized that the only cargo this ship was carrying…was plastic deckchair parts. He shivered inwardly; the others were going to be pissed. "Excuse me, ah, EXCUSE ME!" Shouted Lex, holding on his toupee, "Where is my shipment?! The rock that glows a pretty green color? Where is it, where is it, WHERE IS IT!?" The Russian captain came over to the enraged Luthor and explained that there had been a change in docking arrangements and his ship, the Krasniy Stalin, had been given permission to dock early and the Chinese ship carrying his 'rock' was actually in berth #10 and had been for several hours. Lex got very annoyed and shot the Russian captain through the head, causing his bowels to relax and for him to expire in a pile of his own Commie shit. Lex twitched slightly and then got his mafia buddies to drive him onwards to the correct berth.
Batman, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern managed to haul Superman's corpse back to the bat-cave in order to enact the next brilliant part of Alfred's plan. Alfred had deduced that if Superman consumed small amounts of deadly Kryptonite it would revert his body back to that of a normal human being temporarily. This would mean that his immune system would go back to normal, fight off the bovine hormones and then Superman would gradually recover to his normal self (after pooping out the Kryptonite in one huge green shit and then regaining his powers). They all realized that Clark would be left with even worse PTSD than what Batman had when he came out of the Penguin's strip club, but Wayne Enterprises promised to fund his psychiatric treatment for the rest of his life. LexCorp declined to comment. "I don't understand Alfread, Lex should be back with the Kryptonite by now" said Batman. "I got a phone call from him just before, Mister Batman sir, he said that he'd gone to the wrong shipping berth and was going to get the Kryptonite as we speak. He said that apparently the harbormaster had attempted to call, but there was no answer." Harvey Dent looked guilty and looked into the floor-length mirror that Batman liked to pose in, "It's not my fault…I couldn't decide whether to answer the phone or not…" He glared at himself in the mirror and hissed, "HE wouldn't let me."
At that moment Superman began to stir and flail around with Batman's giant meteorite shit on his head. Wonder Woman threw him into the iron-lung made of titanium that Batman kept in the bat-cave for this very purpose. Inside, a crushing pressure was generated that immobilized Superman…for the time being. The weight of the shit on Superman's head was forcing his head back and causing his neck to fracture in many unhealthy ways, and the pressure of the iron-lung was getting too much for his boner to handle. It aroused him in ways that he did not think were possible, and he began to think that maybe masochism wasn't such a bad lifestyle choice. The pressure grew inside his Mount St. Helens dong…
"We can't keep him here forever, we have to loosen Ares's hold over him!" Insisted Wonder Woman and everyone groaned and face-palmed. She would never understand that Ares was not behind all of the world's troubles. "I could fly him into space and let him drift into the heart of the sun?" Said Hal Jordan whilst making himself a cocktail at the bat-cave's bar. Batman got annoyed because everyone was drinking his liquor without asking and it felt like nobody respected him after seeing the product of his colon encase Clark's head. Alfred began to explain that flying Superman into the sun was not a viable option when Lex Luthor exploded into the room holding a giant lump of Kryptonite over his head and cackling madly. "I have it! It's mine! All mine! Oh…" He said looking at Clark in the iron-lung with a shit-encased face, "…so the plan worked? You got him?" Batman growled out, "In a manner of speaking, yes, we got him…." He stopped speaking as a weird noise started to come from the iron-lung. The metal began to crack and pop and strain with the sudden increasing pressure from within. Everybody looked shocked and Lex handed the Kryptonite to Batman hoping he could allay the approaching catastrophe…but it was too late. Superman's climax was so powerful that it jet-propelled the walls of the iron-lung out into the bat-cave, knocking Lex Luthor unconscious and throwing him into the bat-pool where Batman used to hold sexy bunga-bunga parties. Superman shot through the roof of the bat-cave like a cum-powered rocket, showering everyone with an unwanted salty surprise. Hal Jordan's long dormant OCD kicked in and he screamed, grabbed a nearby bottle of bleach and began bathing in it in order to destroy the Bovine Rabies carrying sperm on his body.
The aging bum Alfred cleared his throat and whipped out a new pointing stick. Everyone except Lex turned to the old man who was dragging his board of battle plans back into their view. As Superman's salty love juice dripped from every surface, he did that British thing of his and ignored it all. He tapped the board with his pointing stick. "Now, yet again you lot failed to see the plan through to the letter… you Mister Jordan sir, you ended up hiding in the sea like a coward… Mister Dent, you failed to answer the telephone so that…Mister Luthor, you failed too… Mister Batman… well…. You failed to be beaten to a pulp and instead did your own thing and dropped Miss Lane into a crate of fish… and Miss Prince… well you looked utterly beautiful. Well done." Everybody looked sad at their failure and Lex revived in the swimming pool, wondering what the hell had just happened and why he had a massive angry bump on his head. "So, we need a new plan." Said Wonder Woman, putting a protective arm around Harvey. "I've got it Alfred!" Batman yelled. Alfred knew that none of Batman's plans ever worked and so ignored him. Repeatedly. Even when nobody had any ideas. He ignored him until Batman was practically hoarse from yelling two words: "GIANT BOURGUIGNON!" Everyone was laughing at the absurdity of Batman yelling these words but then Harvey Dent stood up and spoke, "He's right. We know that Superman is currently only obsessed with two things – eating and mating. If we can compile an entire swimming pool full of Superman's favorite foods…which seem to consist of garbage and beef bourguignon…we can lure him in. He'll gorge himself on the bourguignon and potentially try to mate with it as well. This works to our advantage – if we've powdered some of the Kryptonite and sprinkled it into the swimming pool of bourguignon we can kill two birds with one stone: capture Superman and get his digestive tract back to normal." Everyone looked at Harvey and started nodding and murmuring their approval. "Harvey, that was an amazing idea. You are so wonderful and clever!" Said Wonder Woman as she wrapped her arms around Harvey's neck and kissed him. Batman threw a tantrum in the corner "IT'S NOT FAIR! I came up with the bourguignon idea, and Harvey just stole it! Nobody ever listens to me." Alfred ignored Batman and pointed the stick at Harvey Dent. "You, Mister Two-Face, are on to something." Harvey snarled and punched Hal Jordan in the face just because he could.
Lex Luthor hauled himself out of the swimming pool, wrung out his toupee and placed it back onto his head inside out. He spoke, "There's a small…um…problem here. Procurement, shall we say? You're going to need a lot of bourguignon ingredients to fill a swimming pool, and in case you haven't noticed yet…there's Bovine Rabies rampaging through the United States creating a beef famine. We'll need to get non-US beef." Lex secretly hoped that everyone had forgotten that his company was actually the cause of the Bovine Rabies outbreak. Alfred nodded in agreement, "Looks like we're going to need some people of indecent morals to procure us some non-American beef. Does anybody have any candidates in mind?" Batman stood up and wiped mucus off his face, "I've got some ideas…we need to go to Central City though." Hal Jordan stood up and wiped Super-cum off his face, "I can fly there tonight and bring back whoever you want – who am I hunting down?" Batman drew a chalk picture of the three people he needed to help obtain bourguignon on Alfred's planning board. Everyone knew that this was another one of Batman's plans that would never work, but after his tantrum nobody said anything and Hal Jordan flew off later that night to scour Central City for the three wanted people.
Mick Rory loved burning stuff, and the dumpster full of sofas that he had just set on fire was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. Furniture always torched so wonderfully. Fire retardant, his ass! There was a loud ringing noise as Leonard Snart appeared out of the window of the nearby bank. "I thought I told you to go and get the getaway caarrrr!" Drawled Leo as he passed a swag bag to Mick. "Sorry. I couldn't help it. Dumpsters burn so beautifully, Leo…" Snart rolled his icy eyes and pursed his lips, "Go find us a vehicle. I'll deal with the coppsss." He pulled his cold-ray-gun and Mick scurried off to find a car. After a heated battle between Leo and the cops, a ringing musical sound could be heard slowly crawling along the street. Mick hung out of the smashed window of an ice-cream truck and shouted for Leo to run for it, "Come on! I've got us a ride!" After a moment of incredulity, Leo grabbed the money bags and jumped through the open serving window of the ice-cream truck. "I thought this was appropriate, given that your name is 'Captain Cold', hahaha…" Laughed Mick as the police gave chase. Snart desperately searched for a way to disable the annoying music, but in the end he gave up – grabbed a snack – and fired his cold-ray-gun back at the police. Suddenly there was a massive jolt, like Mick had driven into a pothole, and then the ice-cream truck began to….fly? "Oh my God, Leo, I hate heights!" Shouted Mick, whilst his partner leant out of the window to see what was causing the ice-cream truck to fly. Green Lantern waved at him and then took off, holding the ice-cream truck in a green light conjured sling. Leo began wondering what the Hell Mick had put into his coffee that morning. They both tried to leap out of the ice-cream truck, but the green light acted like a forcefield and propelled them back in. Mick sat down and started to eat all of the candy and ice-cream. Leo shook his head and kicked back in the driver's seat given that he had nothing else to do. Mick looked out of the window as the ice-cream truck flew over the American countryside and barfed candy everywhere as his stomach failed him. Candy barf flew outwards into the night and peppered a small town below with partly digested M&Ms.
To recruit Barry Allen's help, things had been much simpler. Alfred had simply demanded another raise from Batman, and then called the youngster to come and help out with the current situation. Barry was happy to help as long as pizza was supplied. He had arrived in the bat-cave three minutes after Alfred made the phone call, having run all the way from Central City. As he stood there, asking questions at a million miles per hour, a sudden noise occurred above them as Hal Jordan started to lower an ice-cream truck through the hole in the roof of the bat-cave that Superman's cum-rocket had caused. The Flash was in awe as the vehicle lowered through the roof, and for a moment he thought that Batman had bought ice-cream for everyone to eat – which was very kind given the amount of energy he had expended running from Central City. Then his eyes locked with the ice-blue orbs of Leonard Snart and he wondered why the Hell Batman had invited notorious villains to his lair. Leo's lithe body jumped effortlessly out of the serving window of the truck…closely followed by Mick Rory's bulk falling out of the driver's seat and spewing candy vomit all over the floor. "Oh these boys are definitely friends of yours judging by the…alarming display of bodily fluids." Stated Alfred flatly. Leonard glared at him, "Watch what you say, old man. I'm nobody's friend….especially not Mr Allen's frieennddd…" He cocked his head on one side and glared at the Flash. Alfred brandished the pointing stick at all of them, "Now I don't want any fighting on Mister Batman's territory. You're his guests. Act like it. You've all been assembled to help save the world from evil Superman. Mister Batman, Miss Prince and Mister Jordan, you will be the 'active battle team'. Mister Luthor and Mister Dent, you will help me control the fight from back here in the bat-cave. Mister Allen, Mister Snart and Mister Rory…you're on thieving duty." Mick and Leo looked at each other in disbelief, "This is a job I can actually DO!" Shouted Mick as Leo enquired, "So what do you want us to steaaalllll?" Alfred took out a list and began reading.
Ten minutes later and Leonard Snart was pissed, "Let me get this straight…You picked up two of the best thieves in history and you want us to steal cooking ingredienttssss?" Alfred nodded, "That's about the gist of it, sir, yes." Batman interjected, "I'll pay you a lot of money and then you won't need to ride around in a crappy ice-cream truck." Mick jumped up and yelled, "Deal!" without truly understanding what he was making a deal for. Then Harvey Dent drew everyone's attention to the huge bat-tv mounted on the wall which was showing a news broadcast live from downtown Gotham.
"I'm Lois Lane and I'm reporting live from 32nd Street in downtown Gotham. Superman has gone on a rampage in Gotham cemetery and has been seen digging up graves with his bare hands! Reports are coming in that he has been stuffing the corpses with garbage bags through any orifice he can find and has then been – and this may upset some viewers – DEVOURING THE GARBAGE-FILLED CORPSES!" Everyone's faces went pale and Batman left the room to have a diarrhea attack; these were often caused by sudden terror and were like a panic attack of the colon. Wonder Woman and Hal Jordan left to try to stop Superman from feasting on the dead and Alfred gave order to Barry, Mick and Leo. "You three, go around every supermarket you can find. Go into people's houses if you have to. But bring back as many beef bourguignon components as you can find! NOW GO!" He hit them all with the pointing stick before they all drove off in the ice-cream truck. Lex and Harvey went to play cards in the corner whilst they waited for something to happen. Lex was nervous because he'd eaten a burrito earlier that day and was now afraid that he had Bovine Rabies. His colon was agitated and angry. Alfred put in his ear-piece and kicked back at a computer console to monitor everyone's activities. He ate his afternoon crème tea as he waited.
Downtown Gotham was a mess. Buildings were on fire, Lamp-posts had been raped by Superman's rabid boner. The Man of Steel was now attempting to eat a whole school bus with the children still inside, thinking that it would be the equivalent of a very large and tasty sandwich. All the children had released their bowels in fear. The super-thieves and the Flash arrived in one of the back-streets and quickly hurried off in the directions of K-Mart, Target and WayneMart (Bruce had bought WalMart earlier that day). After filling up their swag bags with as many vegetables, potatoes and packs of Irish Beef that they could find, they moved on to the next store, Leo stowing several expensive cell phones in his coat and trying to prevent Mick from setting each joint on fire. Batman suddenly barged past them towards the bus of screaming children covered in crap and braced himself for the pull of the bat-grappling hook as he flew up onto the roof of the bus to face Superman and his Jaws of Steel. As the rope retracted and pulled him up… "OW!" Batman yelled and went limp as Superman's Fist of Steel collided with his face. He spun around and around while trying to retain his grip on the bat-grappling hook, unconsciousness beginning to take him and bile beginning to rise in his stomach. Another punch landed in Batman's gut which caused him to spew rancid vomit all over Superman, fall unconscious and then fall back to the ground – landing in a heap of garbage-filled corpses. Superman began frying Batman's ass with his eye-lazers and burned a hole in the bat-costume right over Batman's anus. Superman powered up another punch and launched himself at Batman. Just at that moment, Wonder Woman's shield bounced of Superman's head and deflected his flight-path, this meant that instead of punching Batman in the back of the head, Superman's fist went straight up into Batman's rectum. His arm got lodged in Batman's backside and Batman was brought back to consciousness only to pass out again due to severe and brutal anal rupturing. "NOW, BATMAN!" Alfred shouted to Batman through the ear-piece, and Batman knew what he had to do. He released his bowels and covered Superman in a thick, brownish layer of lava-like poop which hardened in the air immediately and set hard like concrete. Alfred had ordered Batman to eat powdered cement earlier that day in the hopes that any shit he did would set solid and potentially ensnare the Man of Steel. Superman's arm was now cemented to Batman's kidney and Superman began wielding Batman like a club against Wonder Woman who now had him wrapped up in the lasso of Hestia. "What is your purpose, Ares!" Shouted Diana and Superman – who long ago lost the power of speech – just snarled and hit her with Batman a couple of times. "This is really not the time for mythology, Diana. OW!" Shouted Batman as Superman wielded him by the anus. His kidney screamed for mercy…but none came.
Mick, Leo and the Flash had accumulated enough beef bourguignon ingredients to fill an Olympic swimming pool but were now faced with the dilemma of how to get them back to the bat-cave. They had enquired as to whether the Hilton would let them brew bourguignon in their swimming pool, but sadly they had been escorted from the premises. Just as an argument was breaking out between the three, and Mick Rory was threatening to barbeque Barry Allen, a helicopter appeared above them. It was Lex Luthor who had been watching everything from the bat-cave! "Get in you three! We'll have to take it all to the LexCorp building. I have a swimming pool there that I use whenever my bowel cramps become unbearable. My mafia buddies will help us brew the bourguignon there." Just as Barry Allen was beginning to climb aboard, Leo kicked him out and smiled, "Sorry, kid, there's no room for you. Besides, I heard you can run really faasssstt." And then the helicopter flew away and the Flash got all upset because he thought he was one of the cool kids for once. He had grief-diarrhea and then ran to the LexCorp building, a stream of hyper-fast diarrhea spewing out behind him and putting passing pedestrians into comas. Up on the building, Lex Luthor shook hands with his main mafia buddy, Moroni. After brief introductions they all started tipping the bourguignon components in Lex's drained swimming pool, and the mafia goons used the pool cleaning sticks to stir the brew. Mick volunteered to flame the whole concoction when the time was right. Lex and Leo set to work chiselling bits of Kryptonite off the huge rock that had come from China earlier that day, and started sprinkling it over the pool like pepper. The brew smelled delicious and this worried Lex because he knew that Superman had recently developed a taste for garbage – so he ordered Moroni's men to throw some garbage bags into the mix as well. There was a body in one of the bags (the mob needed somewhere to dispose of the bodies and no new buildings had recently been built, so they could not encase them in concrete). After an hour, the brew was ready and Mick began to use his napalm-gun to bake the mixture. A mobster accidentally tripped over some of the Flash's diarrhea and fell into the bourguignon; he was fried alive and Moroni looked disgusted, "Ah well, you win some and you lose some, I guess."
The cement poop was having the desired effect. It was slowing Superman down and had allowed Hal Jordan to pick him up with some green-light conjured tongs and start flying him towards the LexCorp building. Batman hung limply in the air with Superman's massive fist shoved up his ass. Wonder Woman drove the Batmobile. Superman snarled and flailed around but was powerless against the power of the green ring of willpower; the green tongs had emasculated him completely – he would suffer from additional PTSD and have a fear of baking tongs for the rest of his life. The floodlights on the top of the LexCorp building flashed in morse code "BOURGUIGNON READY. DROP SUPERMAN HERE." Hal Jordan sped up his flight and this caused Superman to thrash madly and bite down hard on Batman's head. "OW!" said Batman again, "Stop using me as a popsicle!" Superman thrashed and thrashed and started vomiting madly because his anus was being agitated in a disagreeable way – he spewed up his liver and made a mental note to go and get another transplant later. Ear-fluid dribbled into Superman's mouth and gave him another raging boner. "Hal! Now would be a nice time to…." But Batman did not get a chance to finish. Jordan had already dropped the two of them into the huge stew beneath and now Batman could only plummet to his beefy doom. Wonder Woman suddenly appeared on the rooftop and saw Batman falling, his ass still attached to Superman's arm. "BRUCE, NO!" She shouted as she ran forward to save him, but Mick held her back – "No, lady. It's too dangerous, that stew is burning at 100 degrees, if you jump in there you'll die." She brushed the criminal aside and grabbed one of the pool cleaning sticks to try to fish Batman out of the air before he fell into the bourguignon. She was too late – Mick had delayed her fatally. As Hal Jordan and Diana Prince reached in vain and looked on in terror, Batman hit the stew with a sickening plop. He felt the suction of Superman's hand rapidly exiting his rectum and floundered as he sank beneath the gravy…
"Oh shit! I'm too late!" Barry Allen shrieked as he zoomed up the emergency staircase onto the rooftop. He started to sob and his grief-diarrhea started again. Leonard Snart, who was in the process of stealing Allen's wallet, slipped in the liquid feces and was about to fall into the deadly bourguignon concoction…when Mick Rory caught him in his burly arms and swept him back from the edge of the pool. The two held eye contact for a longer than normal time, "Thanks, Micckkk" drawled Leo. "No problem, Ice-Man." Leo narrowed his eyes and inwardly swooned and debated being all coquettish and girly. Everyone else thought the display was very cute but badly timed.
Diana reached into the pool with the pool cleaning stick and fished around for Batman. She pulled up the mob corpse first and was about to dispose of it over the side of the building when Superman leapt out of the bourguignon concoction like a dolphin at Sea World, caught the corpse in his jaws (which were also full of garbage) and then disappeared back under the gravy waves again. Everyone was a little shocked as he obviously hadn't ingested enough of the mixture to subdue him yet. Then Lex spotted one of Batman's bat-ears bobbing around on the surface of the mixture and so told Diana to target that area with the pool scoop. After some exertion, she managed to fish Batman's corpse out of the giant entrée. He looked pathetic, hanging on the stick like a limp piece of laundry – she carefully manoeuvred him to the side of the pool (hoping that dolphin-Superman would not strike again) and then deposited him in a pile of congealing bouguignon, Barry Allen's diarrhea and dead hopes. She passed the stick to Luthor who poked Batman a few times to see if he really was dead. A fountain of gravy came out of Batman's mouth as he came back to consciousness – it was only then that everyone noticed the string of intestines hanging out of Batman's ravaged asshole like a string of prime sausages. Barry offered to quickly run him to the nearest hospital and Wonder Woman – acting as the responsible adult – gave her permission. Superman had now finished eating the two corpses and was now running around the bottom of the pool vacuuming up all of the potatoes and bourguignon at Mach 2. He felt something strange happening in his stomach – he could feel all of his enzyme activity slowing down. His guts were not processing garbage at the rate that they used to! He tried to power up his lazer-eyes to blast his way out of the pool…but they wouldn't work! He tried to fly…but he couldn't! The Man of Steel's oxygen supply ran out at the same time he had this revelation and he began to slowly drown in bourguignon….
"I think it's workingggg" Drawled Leonard as Superman floated to the surface like a naughty turd. "I think we should grab him, don't yoouu?" Wonder Woman took a fresh pool cleaning stick and fished out the shell of a man who had once been Superman. When she placed him down, she only just managed to get out of the way before his Kryptonian immune system kicked back in and expelled the LexCorp bovine hormones from EVERY ORIFICE! This is what happened:
· Mucus shot out of Superman's nose and blasted Mick Rory against a nearby wall. Encasing him in mucus and almost suffocating him.
· Ear-fluid rained down off the tall building. Dogs amassed and started to lap it up and then went into a mating frenzy because life was so good for them.
· The projectile vomit was so powerful that it blasted Hal Jordan into space and caused him to impact the International Space Station, knock it off course and cause it to plummet into the Gobi desert (which was a breach of Chinese law because it is a protected heritage site and no littering is allowed – this caused China to increase the import tax on American goods as revenge and eventually escalated into a full-on trade war).
· The pressure on his dong was immense and caused the appendage to look like a hosepipe – spewing both urine and dong-juice alternately, like the different color parts of toothpaste. It hosed Diana off the building and she landed awkwardly on the hood of the Batmobile – breaking it irreparably.
· Superman's adult diaper shot off in Moroni's face as he began to expel all the badness inside him. His molten crap coated 5 square blocks of the city and caused mass death of pigeons. Lex Luthor tried to run to avoid the coming shitstorm, but was caught on the head by a massive jet-propelled turd and ended up floating face down in the bourguignon-shit mixture.
· Eye fluid spewed forth from Superman's eyes and got slime all over Leonard Snart as he desperately tried to free his partner from his mucus prison. It glued Leo to Mick in a suggestive and awkward position. Neither of them would have minded too much if the setting wasn't so weird and full of Superman's dong-juice.
· The damage amounted to seven-hundred and fifty one trillion dollars, and back in the bat-cave Harvey Dent had a panic attack over it all. How could he possibly get them off lightly in court!?
There was a groan from the Man of Steel as he recovered from his hosepipe-of-fluids experience and sat up. "Wha…what happened?" Nobody replied: they were too busy dealing with their own injuries and issues. Superman's senses were tingling – BATMAN WAS IN TROUBLE! He shot off the rooftop in a stream of bourguignon and ass-juice and burst through the wall of Gotham General Hospital (adding another $30,000,000 to the lawsuit). Harley Quinn was posing a nurse in the hospital and was in the process of strangling Batman where he lay – all helpless and beefed. Superman saw the events in hand and flew into the room, punching Harley Quinn out of the window and scooping up Batman in his manly arms. He flew Batman back to the bat-cave – his intestines streaming out of his backside because the bung had fallen out – and Alfred tended to Batman as he had always done. Superman did not understand why everyone was so angry with him, why people kept trying to sue him and why he was still passing pieces of garbage bag. It took hours of recorded news footage and YouTube videos before he became all pale and clammy and realized….he'd really been a dick. He looked around at the assembled team who had slings and casts on various broken limbs and he started to cry. All he'd ever wanted was to be good and to bring people happiness, joy and to inspire people…but now everyone hated him for being a cannibalistic, rabid monster who liked to kill old folks and dig up graves. Alfred came and patted Clark Kent on the back, "Well, I think we can safely say that – whilst a crisis was not averted – it was eventually stopped. Mister Luthor, be more careful about the application of bovine hormones in the future." Lex Luthor looked all shifty and said, "Oh I will, sir…of course, I will…" Alfred shat himself slightly because nobody had ever called him 'sir' before and he wasn't used to it. Superman looked at the shit stain forming on the old man's trousers and had flashbacks to the toilet incident…he began bawling his eyes out….which soon spread to every member of the team, and they all sat around and cried.
Then Superman looked up suddenly after hearing the distant thrum of the day beginning… "Guys, you know what? I'm REALLY hungry. How about we all get changed and go out for pizza?" They all looked at his suspiciously and Batman cracked his knuckles ominously. Then Harvey Dent appeared from the bathroom, "Everyone, we need to talk. Two-Face and I have decided that the odds are not in your favor…at all…and we have decided not to represent you in the upcoming court case. Diana…I'm sorry. I just can't do this." And then Harvey walked away. Everyone cried and poop ran forth in dismay.