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"Did you know he was a miracle baby?" Lily Evans demanded, storming into the Gryffindor common room and coming to a stop in front of Sirius Black, who had been enjoying a nice nap on the couch.
Sirius blinked awake, bleary-eyed but still somehow annoyingly perfect-looking. "Huh?"
"Your boyfriend! I mean, technically, my boyfriend, but who are we kidding, you're Sirius and James, he'll always be your boyfriend."
Sirius smirked. "We were each other's first kiss. Let me set the scene: It was a beautiful starry night..."
"Merlin, Black, everyone at Hogwarts knows that story. I have a bloody point."
"Really?" Sirius yawned pointedly. "'Cause I haven't heard one yet."
"I know," Lily snarled, grabbing a pillow and whacking him over the head with it with each word, "because you won't! Fucking! Shut! Up!" She stopped to examine her handiwork and groaned. "Merlin, I messed up your perfect hair, how do you still look like a bloody underwear model?"
He nodded sagely. "Turns out it's not so much the physical appearance as the raw sexual magnetism. Once I broke my nose at a bar and managed to hook up with the bartender while it was still bleeding."
"The awful thing about that is it might not even be bullshit," Lily whined, sitting down in a huff and leaning against him, throwing her head back against the couch.
Sirius grinned down at her. "Nah, total lie."
She laughed a little. "Isn't it, like, against Marauder Code or something to admit that?"
"You're already on the verge of a breakdown," he shrugged. "Didn't wanna freak you out any more. Never say I don't do anything for you, Evans."
"Thanks, I'll remember that next time you 'accidentally' send first years to walk in on me and James fooling around."
He grinned innocently, "I could've sworn Minnie said she was gonna be using that classroom that day."
"Don't bother. Peter told James you found us on the Marauders' Map."
"That rat!" Sirius made to get out of his seat, but Lily snagged his arm and yanked him back down.
"Not so fast, bucko. I have a point. James is a miracle baby."
Lily ignored him. "Which is, like, that's great. Yay. Congrats, Mr. and Mrs. Potter. But also, like, hi, hello, did he really need to tell me that?
"I mean I'm already nervous enough about this, I just can't - I don't -"
Ahh. Finally, Sirius had a clue where this was going. "Meeting the parents is stressful, Lily, sure, but you're much more mature than me or James, I'm sure you'll be fine-"
"Fine? FINE? I will not be FINE, Sirius Black." She stood up in a huff, staring down at him wide-eyed and waving her arms to illustrate how not 'fine' she would be. "Picture it, I walk into their house- no, not house, manor, Potter Manor, how could I fucking forget? And I say, Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Rich Pureblood Bazillionaire, I'm the girl who stomped on your miracle baby son's heart for six years, but now that he got fit and aged into his trust fund I'm dating him, yay for me! Except not yay for you because in addition to seeming like a gold-digger I'm also a muggleborn and probably going to get your perfect wonderful very very fit and rich and pureblooded son killed by a Death Eater before he's thirty and even if he somehow lives he's never gonna be able to go into politics now like you probably want him to because he can't have a muggleborn wife by his -"
"Did you just say wife? "
"What? Huh? No! Wife? I don't believe in wives! Marriage? Pah! Marriage is a social construct built to keep women down, I mean, he gets to be Mr and keep his name but I'm Mrs. Potter? What's with - oh, buggering fuck!" she cut herself off because Sirius had leapt to his feet, pointing down at her triumphantly.
"Merlin alive, you did! You didn't just say it, you bloody well meant it, too!" Lily jumped up too, trying to silence him, but he danced just out of her reach, taunting. "You want to marry him and have two point five children and a white picket fence and - oh, fuck."
Sirius smiled and shook his head, grabbing her shoulders as he did it. "Nothing. Nothing, Evans. You just - he's gonna be so happy." And then his smile dropped a little and he looked so very lost that Lily surged forward and wrapped him in her arms.
"I hope you don't think you're getting out of godfathering every single one of our 2.5 children, Sirius Black," she said into his shoulder, and she couldn't see his face, but she could feel him smile.
But he was Sirius Black, Dark and Mysterious and Without Human Emotion so he quickly disengaged and they both pretended that didn't just happen. And then he said, "Right, well, first off, the correct term is not Bazillionaire, it's Richie McRicherson. Shit, Evans, you're meeting the parents, can't you at least pretend to have it together?" She giggled a little, albeit nervously, and he dropped the joking tone. "They're gonna love you."
"But what if they don't?" she whispered.
"You don't know-"
"Course I do."
"How could you possibly-?"
"Simple science, Evans. They've got James' DNA, and the kid hasn't been able to stay away from you for seven years. They're programmed to love you."
"Listen. You want to marry Prongs now, right?
"I – well – yes, but-"
"Okay. He came home fourth year and told his mum he wanted to marry you. I'd heard it all before so I left to go fuck around outside. Came back half an hour later, the poor bastard was still talking about you. How you made a daisy chain for this first year that missed her family and you were the first person to sit at another House's table for a meal since the war started and the time you told ol' Sluggy you were glad you weren't in Slytherin 'cause you didn't fancy having to cheer for three Chasers who couldn't get the Quaffle through the hoop if it were bigger than Slug's potbelly. He finally gets to the end and Mrs. Potter says, 'well, I hope you get her, James. She sounds like about the only girl in the world who could ever set you straight.'"
Both looked at the ground until Sirius blurted, "I didn't remember the stuff he said because I think it's sweet or anything, I just heard it so much. Like, over and over and over again. It was annoying. I don't think you guys are cute."
"Okay." Her lips twitched.
"I don't! Really!"
"Okay. I believe you." But she couldn't keep her smile hidden.
"No, you don't! But you should!" He poked her in the chest. "I'm Sirius Black! I'm hard and mean! I don't care about romance at all-"
"Of course you don't."
"How about you just agree never to speak of this to James?"
"Speak of what?" James's sudden voice was husky in her ear. Lily sucked in a breath as her boyfriend's warm hands slid around her waist and she leaned back into his chest.
"Oh, nothing!" she said airily, "Just that Sirius Black is a massive ponce who keeps a diary of everything nice we ever say about each other-"
"You fucking liar!"
"Oh, I knew that!" Lily could hear James's shit-eating grin without looking. "Sometimes in the middle of the night he goes and looks out over the fields of Hogwarts, crooning the Hobgoblins' love songs into the wind –" James' coughed pretentiously and shifted into a high falsetto - "Put your waaaaaaaaand on me, baaaaaabaaaaaaaay! I just wanna feel your chaaaaaaaaaaaaarms."
"Fucking bullshit, all of this!" Sirius yelled as Lily laughed so hard she bent over at the waist, bringing James down with her, even as he transitioned into the chorus.
Sirius leapt atop them both, nearly bringing the whole pile down, hitting James anywhere he could reach and demanding that he stop singing. When he had finally punched James hard enough to shut him up, hitting Lily plenty along the way – "Ow, Sirius, leave me out of this, didn't your mother ever teach you not to hit girls?" "Sorry Evans, but if you're a casualty in this battle I'm not gonna cry myself to sleep at night." "Oh, you wound me!" "Haven't we just been over how much I don't care?" – and clambered off them, grumbling, James turned Lily around in his arms and murmured, "Ready, love?"
"Yeah." she said, thinking not about his money or her blood status or his genius potioneer father but about the boy in front of her who once convinced the Hogwarts centaurs to sing her Happy Birthday, and meaning it. "Yeah, I am."
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