Introduction: So as we all know, Voldemort and Bellatrix had a child. Somehow. And JK Rowling won't tell us what happened during that divine conception, so I thought I would clarify for you all. This is an informative story. Enjoy!
It was a dark and stormy night and Lord Voldemort was pacing the floor of his bedroom in Malfoy manor. It was actually Draco's room, but Lucius had seen fit to let the Dark Lord rest in comfort...whilst his son slept in Dobbie's old room under the sink - with a potato sack as a pillow and a bag for toilet waste (Draco was not allowed to leave his temporary accommodation for ANY reason and so had been living, crying and shitting in there for almost a week).
Something was bothering the Dark Lord. It concerned his crotch. Even if he was to live forever due to his many horcruxes...there would be nobody to carry on the line of Salazar Slythetin. Nobody to pick up his mantle in years to come. Nobody left who could speak parseltongue... Something awful had to be done. But it was for a good cause and so the horror of the matter was negated. He touched his arm and murmured in a honking whisper,
As soon as he had spoken her name, the door to the room flew off its hinges and Bellatrix Lestrange appeared in the doorway in a scary yet sultry manner. He was confused as to how she had appeared so quickly, unless she had been lurking on the floor outside his bedroom. Again.
''You rang, milord?'' Said Bellatrix as she draped herself against the doorframe. Voldemort looked slightly surprised and constipated.
''Come here Bellatrix...and fix the door behind you.'' Honked the evil honker. The witch staggered forwards, laughing, and the door flew back onto its hinges.
''So...'' She stated sultrily, '...what can I do ya for?'' Said the Londoner. Voldemort continued to pace the room in a conflicted and angry manner, then he gestured to Bellatrix to step towards him; the Dark Lord's arm spasmed in front of him for thirty seconds in a constant battle for dominance with the Dark Lord's brain.
''I hath been thinking Bellatrix...should I fall - which I stress is highly unlikely - then there be no-one to carry on the line of Salazar Slytherin. There will be no parseltongues in the world...and it be my greatest desire to see them breed and go forth into the world like horny grass-snakes. The problem be this: to produce an heir I will require a soft and nourishing womb to carry my venomous seed. Knowest thou of any willing candidates? Interviews will have to be held...''
Bellatrix got a sneaky smirk on her face and she cozied up to the Dark Lord ominously. Her eyes lit up like the top of the CN Tower. She licked her bottom lip, tracing her tongue across the rotten festering craters that had once been her front teeth.
''Oh milord...you've got a willin' candidate right here...look no further...'' And she draped herself sexily onto the bed, bending one leg upwards at the knee so that her dress rode up over her thigh to reveal ripped fishnets held up by a garter made of muggle bones (like that weird thing from the Da Vinci Code that the crazy monk wore). ''Read an' wilin' milord...'' She winked at him and cackled uncontrollably which he found scary and had to fight hard with his bowel muscles to prevent from shitting himself right there in front of her.
''Bellatrix...'' Began Voldemort, ''...you are my most devoted servant. I choose you!'' And his arm made an unexpected and inexplicable motion like he was throwing a Pokeball. The crazy woman went to leap on him but he honked loudly and deftly dodged her flying body - she crashed into the door and caused it to crumple off it's hinges once again. Voldemort shook his head and grabbed her arm - keeping her at arms length in case she tried to smoosh his head into her ample bosom or something equally distasteful and wrong.
''We cannot consummate the deed yet, my servant. Thou hast nothing to impale thyself upon. First, we go to Switzerland!'' And then he apparated out of the room in a great poof of smoke, taking the woman with him.
They re-appeared at The Bank of Switzerland in Zurich. Bellatrix vomited all over a passing muggle child who dissolved into dust wth a loud scream of agony and dismay. She turned to Voldemort and cackled,
''Oh, you'd think I was pregnant already, eh milord?'' With this she affectionately pinched the Dark Lord's ass which caused him to propel himself into the air at Mach 3 and honk so loudly that the inhabitants of Zurich thought that Canada geese must have been arriving. Voldemort decided to ignore the ass pinching and the sudden geese-related hysteria and stepped through the revolving door to the Bank of Switzerland. Sadly, revolving doors had always been the Dark Lord's nemesis and his robe became lodged in the mechanism - straining and causing the doors to rattle until finally the robe ripped and exposed Voldemort's putrid and thin white legs. It was mini-skirt length now, with a long flowing robe trailing behind it.
''Oh milord...ain't you handsome under there.'' Mused Bellatrix, ''A girl's gotta wonder what the rest of tat wonderful body looks like, eh?'' And she removed the last of her gigantic hair from the door mechanism where it had also become lodged. Voldemort ignored the wench and strode purposefully and proudly into the stylish bank, ignoring the fact that he was wearing no shoes or trousers. He pulled a scarf over his noseless face so as not to disturb the bank clerk.
''Hello...my name is Tom Riddle...I have a very secure safety deposit box that I wish to withdraw. Immediately.'' The bank clerk eyed him with some suspicion and glared at Bellatrix who was menacing a nearby pot of interior-dwelling foliage.
''Und was ist your personal security number, mein Herr?'' Said the clerk, his Poirot moustache curling in disdain. A look of sheer terror passed over Voldemort's semi-obscured face and he started flapping his arms alarmingly. He turned to Bellatrix, who was removing her hair from the pot-plant in which it as horribly entangled.
''BELLATRIX! What the Hell is my number!? Tell me now!'' He hollered. The witch looked thoughtful for a moment before replying,
''I believe it is 7-7-7-7, milord. You said that seven was a very important number for wizards for a reason that I can't quite remember...'' The Dark Lord turned back to the clerk smugly.
''You heard the woman, it's 7-7-7-7.'' A sudden bout of sneezing overtook him as Bellatrix neared and linked her arm through his. She was covered in forsythia pollen from the pot-plant, and unbeknownst to anyone Voldemort was horribly allergic to forsythia. A tidal wave of snot hit the inside of the scarf and he nearly drowned in his own nasal emissions. The wave flew forth and covered the clerk, blasting the scarf away from Voldemort's face and revealing his ugly noselessness for all to behold. The clerk got all flustered and pulled some boogers off of his moustache before ushering the strange pair into a side room to await the arrival of Voldemort's safety deposit box. And it's contents.
The box arrived as Voldemort was wiping his face and nose clean on Bellatrix's shoulder; she was cooing in a motherly way over him as she poked his bald and egg-like head.
''Behold, Bellatrix...'' He flung open the box with a weird sense of pride and gastric pain, ''...THIS is what we have come to reclaim.'' The woman 's eyes widened in awe and slight confusion as she reached into the box, grasped the contents carefully and gently...and then slowly withdrew it from the box, as if it might bite her should she be too rough or over-eager.
''It's a penis, milord.'' She cooed. The dong was white and withered and had an overwhelming odor of formaldehyde; Bellatrix waved it around a little until Voldemort snatched it away from her and snapped,
''Don't make a big thing out of it, alright?! Lots of men be having this problem. Come on, let's go.'' He grabbed her by the hair and they apparated back to Malfoy Manor in England. They appeared just in time for Bellatrix to vomit all over Draco Malfoy, who had just gone back up to his room for a moment to retrieve his copy of Wonderful Witches Weekly. He shrieked as his skin started to burn through the intensity of Bellatrix's gastric juice, and then he fled the room with his jacket melting off his back.
''WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHH!'' Yelled Draco as he fled in terror and pain. Bellatrix slammed the door shut behind the young wizard and rounded on Voldemort - a sexy and evil glint in her beady eyes.
''So...ya wanting me to sew this back on for you, milord?'' She winked as she mimed action of sewing a dong back into a man's crotch. Voldemort's red eyes flared and he did an unwarranted and scary hand motion before replying,
''No, you oaf! Fetch the SkelGro from my nightstand and I shall hold my withered manhood whilst thou administer thy tender magic.'' He lay back on the bed and pulled his miniskirt up, revealing his weinerless state (Voldemort does not need to urinate so there is no hole). Bellatrix began to carefully position the penis against the stump where once it had grown and had been happy. Voldemort honked at the humiliation of it all.
''Well, bottoms up milord!'' Cackled Lestrange as she poured the SkelGro liberally on the Dark Lord's nether regions. He screamed in pain as the skin started to fuse back together and the penile ligaments reformed. Bellatrix pulled his head into her ample bosom and soothed him as she constantly manipulated the re-forming dong to ensure it remained in place and did not get gout and fall off again. When his screams died down, Voldemort murmured,
''Severus...go to Severus...get the stiffening solution and administer it to me post haste!'' Bellatrix gave him her sexy wink and dutifully skipped off down the hall, leaving the door open for all to see the Dark Lord in his current compromising position. As she skipped by the other rooms she noted that everyone was busy:
* Lucius was playing Wizard's Chess with Narcissa in the drawing room.
* Peter Pettigrew was loitering on the upstairs hallway with the hope of hearing the Dark Lord's sweet and melodious voice.
* Draco was scrubbing Bellatrix's puke off himself with bleach in the kitchen.
* Rosier was eating a huge hamburger in the dining hall.
* Snape was in the library pretending to read a book about advanced algebraic equations whilst secretly lamenting the death of his one true love - Lily Evans.
Everyone was very busy and happy going about their daily business. Therefore it was highly out of the ordinary when Bellatrix burst into the library - flinging the door off of it's hinges - and destroyed Snape's quiet contemplation. He did not look impressed. But then again, Snape never did.
''What is it, Bellatrix?'' He said without even looking up from his mathematics book. His greasy black hair seemed to seethe and move of it's own accord. Lily had loved his hair... he knew she liked the way he looked pale and mysterious behind the lank, glistening curtains. He felt the raw sorrow grip his heart once more like the doors of a bus closing in front of you just as you mad it through the rain to the stop four seconds to late.
''I believe you have a potion for the Dark Lord?'' said Bellatrix trying to see if Snape was covertly looking at naked pictures of men- she always thought he was a closet gay man. Snape grimaced and lobbed a bottle at her which landed in her ample cleavage.
''It is VERY potent Bellatrix. One drop only, tell him.'' Bellatrix looked fom the bottle to Snape and then gave him a sexy little wink.
''Okay... I'll tell 'im. I'll save the rest for you, Snivellus. '' Snape slammed the book shut and made a dash towards her. She was already turning to leave and cackling. He bumrushed her out of the door as he gripped the doorframe angrily. He carried on until the two of them reached the window opposite and Bellatrix was forced out of the open window by Snape's manic bumrushing. The cackle from Belletrix only ended when she hit Lucius's prize magical bonsai collection and one mischievous twig decided to whip her on the ass. She angrily set the whole thing on fire with a loud 'INCENDIO!" She screamed as she set the whole garden aflame. She knew that she would now need to climb the ivy outside the Dark Lord's window in order to see her love again. When she finally climbed through the window, Voldemort gave her an odd look,
"Bellatrix...you know that you could have just apparated into the room, doest thou not?" The witch blew a frizzy bit of hair out of her face as she pulled Snape's potion out of her ample bosom.
"Well yeah...but, y'know...this is much more romantic innit? Just like that Romeo and Juliet..." Voldemort grimaced at the mention of a stupid and soppy muggle play, but he extended his hand to Bellatrix and she handed him the potion.
"How much does one drink?" Enquired the Dark Lord.
"The whole lot, milord. If you want it to, y'know, last long enough..." She winked again and Voldemort threw up in his mouth a little at the thought of what was to come. He downed the bottle of putrescent black liquid and watched in awe as a boner formed from beneath his miniskirt. Snape really was talented if he could resurrect dongs from the dead!
"Very well..." Voldemort lay back and spread his arms as if he was about to be crucified, "...do what must be done, Bellatrix. Do what thou willst with me. Extract my seed into your lair." Bellatrix licked her teeth as she began to rip off her clothing to reveal a leather corset and long black boots. She cackled as she mounted Voldemort and allowed the corpse-dong to slip into her well oiled vagina with ease. She began bouncing up and down on him like she was on a bouncy-hopper. She oooh-ed, aaah-ed and cackled like the madwoman she was as she pleasured herself with the Dark Lord's semi-decayed meat-stick. The bedposts began to bang against the wall and caused the plaster to splinter like a cobweb across the whole room.
"WAIT!" Hollered Voldemort, "I be feeling this not." He stroked her face which felt a bit like being stroked with a wet salmon. "It hath been so long since I boned anyone…my ability to feel the pleasures of the flesh is diminished somewhat." Then he had an idea, "Bellatrix, fetcheth thou my horcruxed butt-plug – it be under the bed in a lockbox, but thou must give it a blood sacrifice first to open yon box." This was no problem for the witch because she was bleeding vaginally from the ferocity of her bounces – she was riding Voldemort like he was a bony stallion. She took out the box and rubbed it between her legs,
"Don't worry milord, I'll clean it with a wipe later." The Dark Lord rolled his red eyes and then gasped loudly as she jammed the butt-plug roughly into his ass. All of a sudden he could feel EVERYTHING! His ability to feel sexual pleasure had been restored to him! He felt every movement, every clench that she made! And then he started yelling like he did when he touched Harry's scar in the graveyard. He even made the creepy tongue movement. He had a little diarrhea which came out due to the shock of such a mammoth butt-stretching, but this was quickly forgotten due to the intense pleasure of Bellatrix's ferocious sexual intercourse.
Below the room of lovemaking, Lucius Malfoy felt something fall onto his head. A piece of ceiling plaster had fallen from above and was now perched regally upon his silvery hair. He turned his gaze to his wife and they both grimaced silently at the unholy noises that Bellatrix was making upstairs. It sounded like a cross between cattle mating and someone being burned at the stake. Snape was sat in the library secretly looking at his booklet of Lily photos (encased in the cover of an advanced biophysics book) when the horrific noises of coitus disturbed his quiet contemplation; the lightbulb next to him shattered as Bellatrix uttered a shrill cry of pleasure, and Snape was unceremoniously showered in burning glass. After brushing shards of glass out of his greasy hair, Snape shook his head and went back to ripping James out of photos which had Lily Potter in them. Rosier was alarmed by the cries coming from upstairs and thought that maybe the Dark Lord was in trouble – he sure sounded like he was in horrible agony from the obscene honking that was echoing around the walls of Malfoy Manor. He grabbed his wand and ran upstairs, bursting into the room with magic blazing,
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Screamed Voldemort over Bellatrix's bouncing shoulders and Rosier fell down dead in the doorway, igniting himself with the magic from his own wand. Voldemort did not like interruptions whilst he was procreating. Bellatrix enjoyed the fact that they were now making love with a flaming corpse in the room, but shut the door with magic in case the Dark Lord killed anyone else – the would after all need an army to take over Hogwarts, and she could not allow Voldemort to kill everyone, even though it was highly arousing and fun. She bounced away whilst Voldemort honked and screamed with every movement; he hoped that his dong would not snap off inside of her before he 'arrived'.
Draco poked his head out of his cupboard hoping that his father was not standing outside the door, waiting to kick him again. He realized that he'd left his school homework in his bedroom and would have to sneak upstairs to get it, or he would be thrown out of Hogwarts for not knowing his multiplication sums. He put on his invisibility cloak (he stole it from Harry) and snuck past his parents, up the stairs and onto the landing. He could hear terrifying noises coming from his bedroom, but they didn't scare him because he was a horror movie fan. Draco launched the door to his bedroom open and the invisibility cloak fell off him in the resulting wind, and because he farted. At this moment Voldemort reached his climax and 'arrived'. Bellatrix flew up into the air, bashing her head in on the ceiling fan (which was on) and got lodged there, going around and around in circles with her hair tangled in the fan. The Dark Lord's butt plug flew out of his cavernous ass in a flurry of dong juice and poop and hit Draco square in the forehead, knocking him out cold…but not before he had gasped in horror at the sordid scene in front of him. The bung was now removed from Voldemort's anus and a hot stream of diarrhea shot out of him at Mach 3 and coated the room and the now unconscious Draco in a sticky, squidgy mess of liquid fecal horrors. The force of the jet-washing awoke Draco who screamed in sheer terror as he came to his senses and saw the Dark Lord lying with his pale legs wide, Bellatrix dangling from the ceiling next to him and the whole room (HIS ROOM!) covered in feces. Suddenly Bellatrix exclaimed,
"Oh, milord! It's come off in me!" She pointed to the severed dong protruding from her vaginal hole, "It looks like a tampon on there!" And then she cackled like a goat in heat as she circled beneath the ceiling fan over the bed, her feet slapping Voldemort in the face every time she passed until eventually he got tired of the absurdity of it down and cut her down with magic. He then got up, naked, and drifted across the floor towards where Draco cowered covered in shit,
"Draco, my boy…" He grabbed the boy's hand, getting poop on himself as he did so and grimacing, "Thou must promise not to mention anything thou hast seen in this room!" Draco felt magic winding around his hand and realized in horror that the Dark Lord was forcing him to make an Unbreakable Vow.
"I…I…." Stumbled Draco, but Voldemort insisted,
"THOU MUST! Thou shalt not mention the intercourse and resulting absurdity you witnessed here!" And then Draco realized that resisting was pointless because the Dark Lord was the best torturer in the world…although he secretly thought that no torture could be worse than what he had just inadvertently witnessed. Plus his dad would never forgive him for failing to carry out Voldemort's wishes.
"I…I promise." Stuttered Draco and then Voldemort stared deludedly at him before shoving him roughly through the closed door and landsurfing nakedly into the en-suite bathroom.
"Bellatrix, you may leave me. Let me know when it is time to birth the progeny." And then he had violent diarrhea into the toilet whilst simultaneously barfing into the bidet. Bellatrix looked up at the ceiling in dizzy satisfaction before crawling back to her room because she had fractured her pelvis with the vigor of her thrusts. She murmured,
"Oh, I will milord….I'll take good care of our little baby…" Then she crawled into her bed and fell into a brief toxic shock induced coma.
Downstairs, Snape was now starting to glue the James-less photos into his new photo album when a shit-covered Draco slimed his way into the library.
"URRRGGGH!" Yelled Snape as his glue flew up into the air in the draft, along with his photographs. He quickly regained his composure and smeared the glue down into his hair like hairgel. "What is the matter with you, boy. You are filthy! Have you been swimming in the toilet again?" He enquired through gritted teeth – sounding like peanut butter was lodged in the back of his throat. Draco said nothing, but just stared at him wide eyed and traumatized. Snape was clever and so it didn't take more than ten minutes of silent staring before he realized that something was on the boy's mind which he could not say…so Snape Occlumenc-ed Draco's brain and the whole story unfolded, right down to the Unbreakable Vow and Bellatrix's horrible pelvic movements. Snape grimaced and gulped down a bit of sick that rose up into his mouth,
"My poor boy…" Muttered the greaseball, "…don't try to say anything….I understand…" And he then gave Draco the closest thing to a hug that he had ever given (he had never managed to hug Lily until she was a corpse and so he felt bitter about hugging anyone at all). Draco was relieved that someone understood and the two just stood there and had sympathetic diarrhea together before Draco passed out from the exertion of it all and Snape carried him back to his cupboard bridal-style. As he closed the door on the poor boy, he muttered,
"And now I've got a pregnant Bellatrix to deal with….wonderful." And he sloped off to the root cellar where he had been living for the past year. He had constructed a 'Lily-pillow' made of a few empty potato sacks stuffed with hay, a mop for hair and buttons for eyes. He cuddled the Lily-pillow and sobbed, "Oh Lily! Lily, Lily, Lily." All was silent apart from Snape's sobbing and Voldemort crying softly in the shower upstairs as he bleached himself from sin.