As a very young boy Bruce Wayne hated social injustice, and wished he was powerful enough to stop it. That was why he became The Batman, and did stupidly gruelling fitness regimen every day without fail to beef himself up. This consisted of:
· Lifting car tyres with his jaw
· Kicking himself to develop a massive pain tolerance
· Having Hal Jordan laugh at him mercilessly to tone his mind for psychological torture should he ever be captured by terrorists or the Joker.
· Weight-lifting with his dong in a new fitness technique he developed called 'dong-pumps'
However, being the beefy Caped Crusader was not enough: He needed to be even more powerful to defend the little people and stop all this social, political and criminal injustice. And be so powerful that he could actually reveal his true identity to women and they would really fall in love with him. Or just fall into his bed more often. Then he could show off his beefed up dong; the product of all those dong-pumps. Boy, life was lonely being a secret vigilante.
Batman came into the bat-cave one morning, failing to spoon his Fruit Loops into his open mouth as he walked and splashed it down his bat-print unitard. Alfred was removing his disposable gloves after dealing with the aftermath the movie-night that Batman held the previous night. Nobody came because nobody knew where the bat-cave was, and so Batman remained very, very lonely. He had sat in front of the bat-television and watched comedy re-runs until the early hours of the morning and had feasted on twinkies and s'mores – the resulting candy-fuelled diarrhea had been explosive and totally unexpected. Except for Alfred; he was used to Batman's bowelly disasters. As the aging man stood up from where he knelt, Batman spoke, "Alfred. I'm sick of all this social injustice in Gotham. I want to do something about it." Alfred got a confused look on his face and replied, "I thought that's why you became The Batman, sir?" Batman looked thoughtful, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Anyway, I don't think I'm doing enough. I need to be more powerful – like Superman but not so lame." Alfred began tying Batman's shoelaces as he replied, "Yes Mister Batman sir…but what I don't understand is HOW you plan to become more powerful. You don't have superpowers and you're aging rapidly." Batman frowned and got all sad, "I haven't found love yet…that's why I look all old and cranky." Batman walked over to a secret cabinet that Alfred did not know about and searched around in it. He sprained his elbow when he knocked it on the cabinet door and Alfred prepared a band-aid. Eventually, Batman turned around and looked all smug – he produced a plum-sized object which was smooth and glowed orange. Alfred looked confused as he felt raw power radiating from the object and got mildly worried that something powerful had fallen into Batman's hands.
"I found this when I accidentally crashed the Batmobile down into the lower levels of the bat-cave whilst having one of my epileptic diarrhea attacks. I think it's something really important that my father wanted to hide. The second I touched it I felt this weird pulse, like it was sending a message into space of something, and I thought my dong was about to vaporize." Alfred was about to touch the gem but then shied away because he got the feeling of wrongness about the item. He knew it was finally time to tell Batman the truth. The truth about his father. The truth about the night his parents died…
Alfred came over to Batman and ushered him over to a bat-chair. He gave him a stiff drink of bourbon from the bar and then began his ancient tale, "Basically, sir, when your father was a very young boy he found something that had fallen from space." Batman interrupted, "Was it Superman?" Alfred looked annoyed, "No, sir. Just listen to the story. So anyway, when your father touched the shard of meteorite he fell into a coma and had dysentery for weeks – when he woke up he said the exact same thing that you did just then in the bat-cave, 'he felt like it was sending a message'. That's because it was, sir. A message to a mad Titan called Thanos. He lives out there in space and seems to drift around his many residences on asteroids. The gem you found is one of the legendary 'Infinity Stones' and Thanos has been trying to accumulate them all so that he will be a suitable mate for the very personification of Death herself. Strange, I know. But no stranger than that time you and Master Grayson got covered in bird poop from a giant bird." Batman had PTSD flashes from the memory of what had happened to him and Robin on the bat-tandem. "BUT WAIT! What has this got to do with my parents?" Alfred went all pale, took out an airline sick bag from his pocket threw up violently, and continued, "Well, Mister Batman sir….Thanos came looking for the Infinity Stone and killed your parents because he thought they had it. He left you alive because he's a horrible, evil man who wanted you to grow up all alone and bitter." Batman burst out crying, "OH MY GOD! Thanos was right! I am a lonely and bitter man…." He shat himself with grief and Alfred had to don the disposable gloves once more.
Alfred continued, "Anyway sir, now Thanos knows that the Infinity Stone is still on Earth, he will come back here and try to take it from you. Once he possesses all of the various Infinity Stones from across the Universe and slots them into this oversized golden gauntlet he made, he will technically be God. This needs to be avoided at all costs." Batman jumped to his feet – diarrhea dripping from his unitard – and shouted, "Then we need to destroy it! Let me get into the bat-suit and we'll try straight away." Over the next few days Batman tried to destroy the Infinity Stone in these ways:
· He tried to chainsaw it but the fuel exploded and singed his cape.
· He tried to sand it to destruction with sandpaper – but the sparks flew out and set fire to Alfred's bed, so the old man now had to sleep on the floor in the bat-cave. With the bats.
· He tried to eat it, but found out that it was not dissolvable in stomach acid. Plus it felt like he was birthing a melon when he came to go for a shit.
· He got Superman to use his lazer-eyes on it, but the lazers bounced back and temporarily blinded Superman who fell into a nearby glass-table and had to go to hospital for multiple internal injuries.
· He used a jack-hammer on it, but only succeeded in opening up an undiscovered oil well in the bat-cave, and now many Southern oil barons were accumulating on the lawn of Wayne Manor offering to buy the oil.
· He used extra-strength acid from LexCorp, but this only ate a hole through Batman's hand and now he was wearing lots of bandages.
Batman was exhausted and so went to bed – Alfred unfurled his sleeping bag and bedded down for the night on the bat-cave rug. During the night, there was a deafening crack from the sky – as if the entire world was being ripped apart – and then a mysterious person appeared in a blaze of light. He leapt through the roof of the bat-cave and landed on Alfred's stomach, causing the old man to projectile vomit all over the mystery assailant. THANOS HAD ARRIVED. He was 8ft and very burly, with purple-blue skin that was all wrinkly like when you get out of the bath, and he was also wearing a gym teacher's outfit. He sneered at Alfred and then began to admire the bat-cave, when Batman appeared. Dressed as Batman. "So," said Batman, "You've come to kill me, just like you did to my father and mother". Thanos started to laugh a deep and evil laugh and corrected Batman, "Well, no, I've come to claim my Infinity Stone – and if I have to kill you in the process…then that would be quite a pleasing side-effect. By the way, I took a wrong turning on my way to the bat-cave and accidentally burned your protégé Robin's house to the ground. So now he's dead too."
Batman shouted, "NOOOOOO!" and then used his alien-repellent bat-spray on Thanos. The purple Titan growled and thrashed around – destroying part of the bat-cave with his windmilling arms – but managed to punch Batman in the face and render him temporarily unconscious. As Thanos bent down to pick up Batman and snap him in half, the bat-suit's defences activated and sent electrical impulses through Batman's unconscious body which made him release his bowels. A flap opened in the butt of the bat-suit and Batman's targeted poop-shot hit Thanos straight in the ear. The disgusting steam of molten crap nauseated Thanos and he barfed all over Alfred, who semi-drowned and later would be rushed to Gotham General Hospital for barf inhalation induced pneumonia. Thanos's ear-fluid began to produce at a rapid rate in order to cleanse the rancid fecal matter from his ear, and so ear-fluid began leaking down the side of Thanos's wrinkled face and falling onto the ground. When the droplets hit the wet floor of the bat-cave, a noxious cloud of gas was created – similar to nerve gas – and Alfred quickly had to put bat-gasmasks on both himself and unconscious Batman. Then Alfred passed out and fell into the lake below, where he floated like a decomposing fish. Sadly, Batman did not regain consciousness until after Thanos had stolen the Infinity Stone, trashed the bat-cave and carjacked the Batmobile. Thanos had needed to rip the roof off of the car in order to fit in it. When he came around, Batman cried for all his soul…Thanos had also punched him in the ass and he had never experienced such anal mutilation. He cried even more when he saw the roof of the Batmobile lying discarded on the floor, for Batman and the Batmobile were almost like one creature and they felt each other's pain.
Thanos had gone back to his cloaked spaceship in the forest to the rear of Wayne Manor. He placed the last Infinity Stone into his golden gauntlet and began laughing maniacally. Now he could not only realize his dream of ruling the Universe…but he could also persuade the woman of his dreams to love him. Thanos had been in love with Lady Death since he was a boy and no matter what he did, he just could not seem to impress her. He hoped that now he had the Infinity Gauntlet, she would finally see him for the outstanding man that he was and would not snub him at every twist and turn. Such is the fickle nature of women. Thanos programmed his ship to take him back to the place where he knew Lady Death lived and took off into space… But little did Thanos know, that Batman had come back to consciousness and bat-grappling-hooked himself to the bottom of Thanos's ship! He still had the bat-gasmask on which meant that he was alright to breathe in space. As Thanos's ship moved through the void of space, the diarrhea that was streaming out of Batman's ass-flap froze (because space is so cold) and he ended up with a giant shit-icicle hanging out of his rectum. This disrupted the rings of Saturn and ruined the prettiest planet in the Universe, because the asteroid which make up the rings drifted out of Saturn's gravitational pull. Saturn now had a ring of feces around it instead. Astronomers and NASA called this phenomenon 'the Anal Ring'.
Lady Death's planet- The Realm of Bones- was approaching. As Batman squinted through the lenses of his bat-gasmask, he realised that the seemingly white lump of gravity-inducing rock was actually a black rock covered in a googolplex of bones. Everything that had ever died in the universe had ended up here at some point during the rotting process and Lady Death lived her days watching over the Fields of Bones. Batman wondered if his bed fellow from last week was there (He had accidentally drowned her in his own feces when they tried to do a sixty nine and he had to hide her in a secret cavern in Wayne Forest lest Alfred discover that he had failed again.) Batman wondered briefly if his own fecal matter would end up here, seeing as it was organic and therefore could technically die. And what about semen…all those dead sperms?! He shook these thoughts from his head as Thanos's ship started to descend. Batman braced himself as the ground was inches away. And he couldn't release the bat-grappling hook! He was stuck to the bottom of the craft! But no worries, as the shit-icicle was so long that it stuck into the rocky ground beneath all the bones and pulled Batman free. He was now impaled anally on his own frozen shit stick – hanging in the air like he had just been pulled up to the top of Calvary and crucified for his many, many heroic sins. He passed out with the obscenity of it all and the weight of his body falling forwards actually managed to snap the turdcicle in half…although the better half of two meters was still lodged firmly in his rectal cavity. Batman plummeted to the ground below and landed with a chicken drumstick bone shoved up his nose, bringing him rudely back to wakefulness. He pressed it in and it got stuck up there, sticking out like a Caveman's facial piercing, and he said,
"OW! OW….OW….OWWWW!" As he repeatedly pulled on it, not learning his lesson until blood and viscera poured from his one remaining nostril. He then started to trudge wearily and awkwardly (he had a crapcicle lodged in his rear, remember) towards the Palace of the Dead.
Meanwhile Thanos had thrown wide the doors to Lady Death's palace and was striding in boldly with the Infinity Gauntlet on his left hand; he also traipsed dirt into her freshly dry-cleaned carpets and he knew she would not be happy about it. "Where are you my dark and terrible beauty?" Hollered Thanos. When she did not respond he decided he would lure her out of hiding with a beautiful song. Thanos sang a love ballad. I have transcribed this below for you:
"Where are you, I brought a gift,
It's a huge glove with the power to destroy everything,
Like a hand mounted nuclear weapon
I hope it fits your tiny hand
Which is all bony
Because you are not alive any more but also are not decaying which is nice
LOVE ME, LADY DEATH
This time please love me
I don't want to have to turn gay
Just to be loved
I want to cuddle you without crushing you
Which I might do like the time I sat on you
You died again
I love you
Come and love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Batman could sympathise with the lyrics about not wanting to turn gay, because he had thought he would need to resort to this when his business got sold illegally on the stock market and he lost everything. Luckily it had not come to this because Alfred had won his business back in a high stakes game of Keno. Anyway, back to the topic in hand. Lady Death was in her greenhouse tending to her cacti – the only plants she could not kill because of their hardy and vindictive nature – and she heard Thanos's melodious yodelling. She rolled her dead eyes and debated whether she should hide in the broom closet but decided to go out and see him. She entered her throne room and took a seat on her tall throne which was carved from obsidian and lined with bones. "To what do I owe this dubious visit?" She said, gulping back bile. Thanos realized that his love had not heard the whole song and so sung it again whilst slowly raising the Infinity Gauntlet over his wrinkly head; the candlelight glinted on every gem in the gauntlet and it would've been a really pretty sight if Thanos wasn't still screeching like a banshee in heat. When he finished the song for a second time Lady Death threw up her own gall bladder, which landed in her lap with a 'plop', before swallowing it again and speaking, "So you've brought me the Infinity Gauntlet as a show of 'love'?" The word sounded alien on her lips. Thanos suddenly went cold all over because he realized that she didn't seem to be all that happy to see him after all. His innards slid down into his boots in a cold chasm of misery and dead hopes. "I would do anything for you. I spent every waking hour recovering the Infinity Stones for you!" He got very angry and kicked a hole in one of her walls. His oversized boot got wedged there and he hopped around miserably on one foot. Lady Death raised a single eyebrow as Thanos raved and eventually punched a hole in the wall with the Infinity Gauntlet, causing the entire palace to disintegrate around them. Lady Death's throne also disintegrated and she fell on her butt on the floor. This took her by surprised and she threw up violently all over Thanos, her own liver expelled by the ferocity of her vomit – worms were also included in the mess of stomach acid and last night's dinner because she was dead and worms like dead things. Thanos – realizing his one true love had just fallen on her ass because of him – got down on one knee and started to beg forgiveness. This was hard for him to do because one of his feet was still wedged in the wall, which was the only thing that had not disintegrated in the Infinity Gauntlet related incident. Lady Death saw an opportunity to have some fun and chuckled lowly to herself,
"Would you really do anything for me, Thanos of Titan?" Her dark eyes gleamed evilly and Thanos replied, "Yes, my love. Anything." He loved the gleam in her eyes and so got a boner the size of a trashcan and just as girthy. She conjured some clothing out of the ether and hurled it towards the purple man, "Put this on and then come back." Thanos started to get undressed but she ushered him behind a wall with an invisible hand. Unfortunately the wall was only two foot high and she could still see him massive boner swaying like a flag at half-mast in the wind, in sorrow at all his lost hopes. He came back five minutes later jingling with every step, a downcast and horrified look on his face. He was wearing a pink and yellow Arabic belly dancing outfit with clinking jangly bits, Aladdin sandals and a thin floaty facial veil (a yashmak). "Now dance for me…" she said in the most sultry of ominous voices. He looked down at him giant feet, crammed into his tiny shoes, and wondered how he would ever be graceful enough for her to love him. Crying a little, Thanos began to dance.
Meanwhile in Lady Death's greenhouse, Batman was hiding behind one of the large cacti and cramming his fist into his own mouth in an attempt to stifle his laughter at the misfortune of the Mad Titan. The poopcicle was gradually beginning to melt with his latent body heat and now it only protruded from his behind for about one meter – which was shorter than Thanos's mighty dong. Batman knew that the Infinity Gauntlet was extremely bad news however, and so resolved to get it off Thanos and stop him from gifting it to Lady Death and thus dooming the entire Universe. He crawled across the room, prickling himself on many spiny plants as he went, until he was right behind Lady Death's throne. He could see the Gauntlet – it was sat on the floor next to her throne and all he would need to do was reach out and chisel off the gems with his bat-screwdriver. He vomited a bit as he looked up and saw Thanos gyrating his hips in an overtly sexual manner, dong waving in the air like a palm tree in a hurricane, and he quickly looked away. He took the bat-screwdriver out of his utility belt and began levering the Mind Gem off of the oversized glove. Every time he moved the bat-screwdriver against the metal of the Gauntlet, it squeaked loudly, so he ended up timing his wrist jiggles in time with Thanos's annoying jingling. Eventually the gem was his and he pocketed it just in time, as Lady Death raised her hand – snapped her fingers – and ordered Thanos to stop his pelvic thrusts. "You really are not suited to being a dancer, are you? Put this on." She hurled a studded leather garment at him and he sulkily walked behind the wall to don the garb.
Batman hurled his lunch into the Gauntlet when he saw Thanos blindly staggering back to the throne wearing a BDSM gimp suit, complete with ball gag and a spiky prison on his dick. His eyes were watering in an attempt to stay silent and not bawl like a baby with the sheer agony he was feeling. "Anything for you….my lady." He whimpered….but by God, he liked this and was getting hornier and hornier. He crawled around on all fours with a feather duster sticking out of his ass, dusting the floor as he was ordered to. Batman saw his opportunity and prised another gem – the Soul Gem – from the vomit-filled Gauntlet. It pinged off and embedded itself in Batman's groin with some inexplicable magnetic force. Batman stifled a yell and started hacking at himself with the bat-screwdriver, before he realized that this was just causing him to groinally hemorrhage and so he put a bat-bandaid on and went back to chiselling off the third gem. Just as the Reality Gem was about to fall off, it activated and plunged him into a strange warped world! In this weird reality everything looked like it was made from candy and oil paints and Lady Death was crawling around on the floor instead of Thanos. "NO, MY LADY! YOU SHOULD NOT SOIL YOURSELF!" Yelled Thanos through his ball gag, and he insisted that she mount his back and ride him around the floor like a large, wrinkly pony. He savoured the feeling of her bony inner thighs pressing around his beefcake neck.
Ignoring the charade that was playing out before him, Batman swallowed the rising bile and began work on the fourth gem – the Space Gem. He used the bat-grappling-hook to blast the gem off the metal glove wiped the sweat from his brow – this was intense work. He was glad that only two gems remained, because his hand was getting tired and he wanted to at least save a little energy to jack off with later that evening when he got back to Earth. Thanos's scary dancing had given him an unexpected fear-boner. Just then, the duster fell out of Thanos's butt and a small stream of fecal matter went all over the floor. Lady Death was disgusted and so hopped off his head and walked back to her throne, and Batman vomited all over the Infinity Gauntlet again – causing the Time Gem to erode off in his pH1 stomach acid. Now he had all but the last Infinity Stone! But, oh no! He had to hide, because Lady Death was now only inches away from him and he could not risk discovery. No, Batman did not want to be forced to belly dance around on the floor where Thanos had just shat himself – he had had enough of dancing during his brief stint as a pole-dancer. Lady Death pulled out a cat o' nine tails and flailed Thanos to within an inch of his life, which the purple giant loved and his boner came back with a raging vengeance. It shot up so quickly, it smacked him in the face and caused one eye to swell closed like a boxer who has just gone ten rounds with the Hulk. Death magically conjured another set of garments onto the Titan – now he looked like an oversized baby, wearing a huge diaper, bonnet and with a pacified the size of Batman's head. Lady Death pretended to feed him and deliberately smeared creamy mackerel all over his face. Thanos liked this though as he secretly had adult diaper fantasies and enjoyed the humiliation way too much.
Batman had managed to get the last gem – the Power Gem – off the Gauntlet with his teeth but his front teeth had snapped in half with a sickening crunch and now Lady Death and Thanos were staring straight at him in surprise and annoyance. Batman knew that he had to run…but his pockets were full and he had nowhere to store the Power Gem….so he popped it into his mouth and began sprinting away as fast as he could (given that the Soul Gem was still magnetized to his pubic region). Thanos quickly spat his pacifier at Batman as the Caped Crusader fled the room, hitting him in the back of the skull and causing the Power Gem to slip irrevocably down his throat like cum you didn't mean to swallow. Then everything happened all at once…. Lady Death was suddenly fawning all over Batman as the Power Gem took effect and she planted a big wet kiss on his lips before imprisoning Thanos in a huge cement block for the time being. "I've been waiting for a man like you…" She said alluringly as she scooped Batman up and carried him swiftly to the boudoir. "Um…thanks." Said Batman in his gruff voice as she ripped his bat-unitard off and jumped unexpectedly on his quivering bat-boner. "OW!" Yelped Batman as he felt the inside of her vagina clinging coldly to his dick – feeling like a mixture of chicken bones and ice cubes. He could tell the Power Gem was working though, as he had never thrust so hard in his entire life and the whole planet shook with the might of his Power Dong. Just as he was about to climax, Thanos burst into the room, jumped onto the bed and pulled the two apart. "HOW DARE YOU DEFILE LADY DE…." And then Batman climaxed right in Thanos's face and dong-juice sprayed everywhere in a liberal jet-hose of sperm. The power of the Gem caused the cum to blast Thanos across the room and send Lady Death hurtling off into space, where she drifted for a while until she found a new world to inhabit and where she could launder her robes. She gave a sigh of happiness and completion; the Batman truly was amazing in bed.
Thanos was getting back up again and was royally pissed, and Batman realized to his horror that the Power Gem had decided to take a nap and was not working any more. He now had to face the purple Titan alone and without any enhancements. Thanos began to charge at Batman like a furious rhino and so the Dark Knight picked up the only weapon he had to hand – the metal shell of the Infinity Gauntlet, now devoid of gems. He threw it at Thanos's head hoping that it would knock him unconscious…but he missed horribly and the Gauntlet became impaled on Thanos's raging gigantic wang! It was like a horrendous third hand, sticking out two meters in front of him angrily and scaring the shit out of Batman. Some poop came out of his anus and filled the leg of his tight unitard which ballooned and made him look totally ridiculous. Thanos pummelled Batman in the head with the Infinity Gauntlet that was stuck on his dick – dong-whipping him into a state of concussion whilst screaming about defiling Lady Death over and over and over again. Batman had to get out of there before he was dick-slapped to death and Alfred was forced to take up the mantle of the Dark Knight. And then he remembered the Space Gem in his pocket…
He took it in his hand and rubbed it a bit – realized that he was rubbing Thanos's purple monster of a dick instead and yelled, "SHIT!" before pulling the actual Space Gem out of his pocket and waving it about over his head. A portal to Earth opened in a whoosh of light and Batman jumped through…just as Thanos climaxed in the Infinity Gauntlet and blasted himself backwards in a flurry of cum and vomit (which was Batman's and was still inside the Gauntlet from Thanos's sexy Arabic dancing routine). The Caped Crusader was home! And Alfred was standing there, staring at him oddly whilst scrubbing the remains of the Batmobile with disinfectant. "Did you have a successful trip, mister Batman sir?" Batman beamed happily and produced a handful of stones – "I got the gems, Alfred!" The aging bum looked dubiously at the Soul Gem that was still stuck to the outside of Batman's crotch and nodded slowly, "Riiiiggggghhhht…..I'll just…erm…go an' fix us some lunch then, sir." As Alfred walked past Batman, he took off a pair of yellow dish-washing gloves and threw them onto the dented hood of the Batmobile. Batman took several minutes in contemplation of the glove before the proverbial lightbulb lit up over his head and he snatched up the disinfectant riddled glove and ran off with it into his bat-workshop.
Ten hours and seven bottles of superglue later he strode into Alfred's bedroom, shook the old man awake roughly and held out his hand. Batman sported a sloppily constructed replica of the Infinity Gauntlet made from the old dish-washing glove (he had glued the gems on in the appropriate places, except for the Soul Gem which he had been unable to separate from his penile muscles). "What do you think? What do you think?!" Asked Batman repeatedly like an impatient child. "Very nice, mister Batman sir." Said Alfred before he enquired further, "So were those gems in a Gauntlet when you found them, sir?" Batman nodded vigorously and replied, "Yeah, why?" Alfred rolled his eyes and turned over to try and go back to sleep, "Well you should have just stolen the Gauntlet then, shouldn't you sir…" Batman looked down in disappointment before slowly walking back to the bat-cave – head lowered in defeat – and crying for the next two days.