Work is pretty quiet, which leaves time to write. Every cloud has a silver lining.


5 October 1902

My goodness, what a situation I find myself in.

Such a terrible shock to wake up and find a man, John Blythe no less, in my bed in the middle of the night. They tell me that there's nothing unusual about that, but I have no memories of our second courtship there's just a blank when I try to recall it. I went to bed last night on my own as usual just the way I like it. Well there was I time I thought I might have had a man in my bed by now, I admit. But that was long ago and he would have been invited.

I shrieked when I felt a leg touch mine and scrambled out of bed hopping up and down in my rage.

It was only later that I realised I had no nightgown on. John saw me in a state of undress! I never go to bed without my nightgown on; I feel like I had woken in some kind of hell.

To be honest my next thought was that he was addled in the brain, had he left Caroline in the night to creep into my bed? As if he was the one who had forgotten his marriage vows, as if he thought he had married me all those years ago.

He asked permission to stay in the house as it was dark and cold outside and reluctantly I acquiesced. If he is not well I supposed it would be unsafe to send him out into the night.

I fell into an uneasy sleep and was pleased John appeared to have left in the morning.

On reflection Anne's response should have been a heads up that something was amiss but I was too riled up in my mind to pay it much attention. I was quite confused to find the doctor on my doorstep. I'm sure I don't know how he knew anything about it? Had he come to make sure I hadn't been molested? I did not want him to examine me in my very private place.

Doctor Mustard asked me all sorts of curious questions like today's date. I told him and then he and Rachel told me that it is in fact four years later than I thought. What is going on?

In my distress I thought about all that I had missed, or forgotten anyway. Had Anne had any more children? Had anyone died? Dora has had a baby! A little girl, Sara who is about 18 months. But as it turns out although the usual births and deaths have occurred, the main thing that I've forgotten is that I married John Blythe. That's why he was in my bed. I married him! It seems beyond believing. And then I was worried that he was committing bigamy, but Rachel informed me that Caroline died, so that's alright, though I mourn her. She may have married the man destined for me, but we were good friends despite that. I had to let bygones be bygones, this is a small town. You can't stay bitter enemies for ever.

So now I have to get my head around being a married woman. It is … challenging.

John is spending some time down at Rachel's because although I have no memory of it, he in fact has nowhere else to live. I am not ready to have him living here at present.

I suppose it is quite difficult for him. I see him looking at me from a distance so sadly, I almost want to reach out to him, but at this stage I cannot. I have to process my feelings towards him. It is not easy.

Marriage, marry, wife, husband.

These are big words with many ramifications. I suppose this means I have lain with a man and that I am a maid no longer. Rachel says I enjoyed an active marriage with John. I cannot fathom it.


7 October 1902

It's the little things that are the most disconcerting.

My bed has been replaced by Matthew's smaller one. And the bedroom which should have been clean and neat was dusty. What has happened to me? Have I forgotten how to dust? I walked around the room slowly, all the kinks and bumps were like old familiar friends, dust motes dancing in the light brought tears to my eyes. I traced my fingers over the wood paneling, feeling the slight grittiness, the echoes of my former life rattle around me.

Anne found me there, I hadn't heard her arrive. I was sobbing on the bed by then, she gathered me into her arms and let me cry, rubbing my back in slow circles. She is a dear, I love her like she was my own kin. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if she never came.

Slowly she led me back downstairs and showed me the new bedroom, the bed looks cosy in Matthew's room. Then we made our way to the kitchen where she made a cup of coffee and filled me in on all that I have forgotten.

I fancy I'll get a shock when I see the children. Rilla is quite small by my estimation, but is talking now. A few old neighbours and acquaintances have died and Anne filled me in on the news. After the coffee we went for a short stroll around the farm. Familiar trees have fallen or grown, it's like the place I know, yet different. I do find it all most bewildering.


8 October 1902

John paid a call and we had a very stilted conversation. He told me he was content to stay at Rachel's for the time being, but I got the distinct impression he is unhappy with the situation. Still never mind him, I am not ready to admit him back here. I have a lot of thinking to do.


15 October 1902

It has been decided that John will move back in. He's to sleep upstairs in my old room and I will sleep in my new bedroom. I'm still somewhat unsettled by the situation, but I suppose it will be satisfactory. He promised to give me plenty of space.


20 October 1902

Hair washing has always been one of my favourite times, the sensation of sluicing warm water over my head has always been enjoyable, but it seems my approach has changed in recent years if John's reaction is anything to go by. He asked if he could help me. I was shocked he intruded into such a personal moment though it gave me some insight into our relationship.


26 October 1902

Rachel welcomed me in this morning and filled me on my side of our relationship. According to her I have been blissfully happy since I married him.

Oh I don't know it's very difficult. I feel as if I am being forced into a relationship when I am not ready for it, and yet and yet I think I could love him again.

I longed for this moment for so many long years and now it has come I am hesitating. What a strange position to be in.


7 November 1902

I've been reading my diary. It feels like someone else's life not mine, but very very occasionally I get some flash of recognition which jolts me back to that time. It happened today when I was reading about flying down a hill on a sled, imagine that! And old lady like me still sledding.

I told John about my memory and he filled me in on the rest of that trip, apparently John played the part of Father Christmas and I caught some virus and slept the rest of the week. He was terribly worried about me.


10 November 1902

Davy's boys are like his wee self times two. He does make me laugh when he complains to me about their antics.

John does a good job of keeping up with them. They visited us yesterday and kept us on our toes, but they have grown into two delightful little scamps, like gorgeous peas in a pod they are but infectiously wonderful with it. You just know there's not a wicked bone in their body, despite their cheekiness.


15 November 1902

Anne asked us to come up to Ingleside to help her out. Seems Susan's cousin is unwell. John has something he wants to finish off so he's staying behind while I make my way over to the Glen on my own.


17 November 1902

The children have grown so much. Well they would wouldn't they. It's these little reminders that keep jolting me. I imagine something one way and find it's changed in the intervening lost years. They've been appraised of my situation but like me they keep forgetting. They'll ask me if I remember something that happened recently and look rather crestfallen when I say that I cannot. Anne tries to remind them not to upset me but we all fall into that trap so I cannot blame them.

I miss John. A mere few weeks ago I forgot our relationship altogether, and now I hate to be apart from him.


19 November 1902

Anne and I had a lovely chat about my situation. She told me that John and I had been very much in love. She hoped I might permit him to be intimate again. It was a strange conversation to have with my daughter, but she is an adult now I suppose. I don't know how I feel about John. I was besotted with him once upon a time, but that was a long time ago. Can I? Should I? It's so confusing. I shall pray on it.


23 November 1902

A terrible storm has delayed John. I do hope he will be safe.

I miss him. Goodness I didn't know I was married to him yet now I cannot bear to be apart from him for a few days. What a strange situation. Anne and I had a lovely cup of warm milk in the wee smas while we waited for our menfolk; Gilbert was out delivering a baby, what a night to be born!


26 November 1902

I've always fretted when I'm worried and it seems that is one thing that has not changed. It's worse now that I'm here. At home I would bake, but here I am stuck. It's driving me a little crazy.


27 November 1902

Anne finally took pity on me (or her rug I'm not sure) and asked for Susan's leave to let me into her kitchen. I appreciate this is no small request.

It just felt so much better to be doing something, to be useful. I'm sitting in the kitchen now enjoying the smell of cakes baking, I always find it so comforting.


30 November 1902

He returned.

I fainted.

Apparently I did that when he proposed too. What has come over me? I never used to be a fainter.


6 December 1902

We have come home. I have had a great deal to think about while we were apart. Much as I adore being with Anne, there is nowhere like my beloved Green Gables. I always feel a great sense of peace overcome me when I return. The old place was as dear to me as ever, I had forgotten how things had grown, or fallen over during m forgotten years. It is a strange thing to see trees that were wee saplings last time I 'saw' them now tall. Or shrubs I had enjoyed that are apparently now deceased. I felt the same way when I saw Anne's children. They were all grown up.


9 December 1902

John asked if I would permit him to sleep next to me last night. I felt very exposed with a man next to me there but I asked him if the situation was as difficult for him as it is for me. He told me that he felt such remorse for the way our relationship unfolded. I asked him if we could hold hands and we did for the briefest of moments. It felt very queer to be holding hands with a man in my bed, but not unpleasant. I asked him to tell me about our life together and I admit it does sound nice, we sound like we make a nice couple. It's as though I'm talking about other people, not the two of us which in a way I suppose I am.

I let him hug me after his story and I must say I did feel safe there in his arms listening to the sound of his heart. I must have fallen asleep there and I awoke during the night with a start, but fell back to sleep easily enough.


16 December 1902

I have permitted John to be slightly more intimate with me not too far just yet, but he may touch and kiss me. I think he is enjoying it and I'll allow it is quite nice. I am getting used to having him around. He is very caring and sweet.


20 December 1902

We made love last night. It was, well it was wonderful. I was so frightened, but I needed have been. John is a caring and attentive lover. He took it real slow, checking that I was comfortable and felt safe. Of course they had told me I was a maid no longer, but I was frightened. I thought it would hurt that it would be a terrible assault on my being. It was nothing of the sort. It was wonderful, just wonderful.

I am sure this will be just the beginning of something quite marvellous, a new (revisited) epoch in my life. I find I am quite eager to go to bed tonight. Perhaps he will make love to me again? I'm sure I don't know what he sees in me, but I am happy to make the most of it while it lasts. I for one find him quite attractive, I will confess. Goodness I sound like a giggly young girl but the way he touched me last night, well...


22 December 1902

Davy's boys came to visit, they are dears but never stop. We are exhausted. I'm off to bed.


A/N If you are lost, I recommend reading my other story, Memories are Made of This. At this point most of these stories derive from there.