Born to Die.
Nick Carraway wondered for the rest of his life why James Gatz had to die. It was a senseless death. A violent and wretched one. It did not make sense. He could not imagine that if there was a god that he would be so cruel as to kill such an innocent and good man. James Gatz was so very good. An angel in this cruel world. Nick could not fathom it. He was so very angry.
However Nick was not angry at god, no, he was angry at the murderer. Of course he was angry at the murderer. The one who killed James Gatz in the first place. Because of that man, James Gatz had ceased to exist. Like a flip of the switch, the precious life was gone. It had happened too fast. It had been painless he was told but he did not think that was true. It had to be very painful from what he saw. Then again he wasn't there so how would he really know?
God how he wished he could have been there. He could have stopped it. Perhaps.
Now he just sat in this big empty house that had been willed to him forever. He had all the money in the world and here he sat in this plush chair just reminiscing of what could have been and what did not occur. What he had wanted and what he didn't get because of one man.
Nick had wanted James Gatz. His entire being, his heart and soul yearned for the man like nothing he has ever felt before. He was terribly bitter and depressed.
They were a rotten crowd and James Gatz was worth the whole damn bunch put together.
James Gatz was his everything. He was everything Nick ever wanted as a closeted homosexual man. Now the man was gone, out of reach like that damnable green light.
Nick had vivid dreams of meeting James Gatz in his younger, more vulnerable years. They would have fell deep in love. They could have moved far away and lived together. James would have given him the world and rearranged the stars in the sky, like Jay did with Daisy.
The universe was seldom fair in its endeavours. But why?
James Gatz was born to die, Nick decided. He was a soul destined not to be a part of this world. It was sad but truthful. There was no place for a man like that on this earth. He was a god among men. A beautiful prince. He did not belong here. It was not meant to be.
Nick hated the man who took James Gatz away from him with every fiber of his being. He was a disgusting executioner. A lowlife scoundrel. A piece of filth.
Nick Carraway hated Jay Gatsby with every fiber of his being. The hopeless romantic with obsessive compulsion.
Although Nick was in love with James Gatz. The man who died before Nick got to properly meet. The man with the heart of pure gold and aspirations who brought himself up from nothing. He was a simple man. An angel.
Jay Gatsby destroyed James Gatz before Nick could meet him. Wilson destroyed Jay Gatsby before Nick could do it himself. Without the use of a gun of course.
Nick thought he could have gotten through to Gatsby, to bring back Gatz and they could have been together. What a fool he was, thinking he could revive a dead man. James Gatz died when Jay Gatsby came to be.
Nick laughed bitterly to himself as he pulled the priceless glass to his lips again and again until he was numb. Even then it wasn't enough.
How could he fall in love with a man he never met? He wasn't. He was in love with the idea of James Gatz the way Jay Gatsby had been in love with the idea of Daisy.
Nick was a fool. The best thing you could be in this world. A handsome little fool.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.