I thought that as time would pass, so would Kim's nightmares. She has been home for a little bit over two months now and she still can't get a good night of sleep. This means that in the day time she's very curt with everyone around her, she's just not the bubbly girl I fell in love with. And I knew it would take time for things to go back to the way they were. But there doesn't seem to be any improvement what so ever. She won't talk to anyone about it. I suggested that maybe she should go talk to someone like a psychologist, but she got pissed off when I spoke about it. It turned into this big argument and it seemed better to me to just let it go for now. I started to think that maybe locking her up wasn't all that Ryan had done to her. He was very mentally unstable, who knows what he could've done to her. But I'm afraid to mention any of my suspicions, I don't want to turn this into another argument. Occasionally we can have a normal conversation , where we both seem to forget everything. Only those moments are getting more rare.
She has been getting outside more so that's good. She has also been helping Tegan recovering and Kim does appear more like her old self with her. Less grumpy than around me at least. And I know it's selfish of me to say, it's not about me. But the whole Ryan situation also affected me and Kim's definitely not asking me how I'm doing. And it makes sense for her to not be as aware about her environment, but being in a relationship like this. It's just so hard. I just wish she could be like herself again. You know cracking jokes, giving me a hug. Intimacy between also seems like a thing of the past. She rarely lets me get near her. I used to walk up to her from behind and hug her, I tried it a while back at she actually got scared of me. The first nights that she was back we slept in the same bed. I've moved to the couch a couple of weeks back, she couldn't have me around her. It's not making her sleep any better though. At least I could try to comfort her when she would wake up from another nightmare, now I don't know how she's doing. In the morning I can tell if she has had a bad night, I see the dark circles around her eyes. When I ask her about it she tells me everything's fine. But I know it's not.
I've spoken to Grace about our issues. And though she's trying to be supportive in her own way, it's hard for her to be objective with hating my girlfriend and all. She has told me that if I'm not happy anymore that I should just break things off. But I can't do that, I still love her. But she's right about me not being happy and I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I can't just give Kim an ultimatum and tell her to get happy again. Only this can't go on for much longer though. I don't want to live a life like this and I know she's not happy either. Maybe she's the one that wants to go but she doesn't know how to tell me. Could explain why she's being like this around me, but is able to be friendly around people like Tegan. Also around my family she can bring herself to be less angry and pessimistic. I can see that she is faking it but that's more than she's willing to do with me.
Come to think of it the only person she is actually this awful around is me. Her girlfriend. If she does want to end it, than she should do it. And not string me on like this. Only after all this time finally having her back, to let her go again. It doesn't feel right. I need to talk to her, try to make sense of what she is feeling. Of what's going on in her head. Where do I start? What do I say? I don't want it to turn into a shouting match. Maybe I should ask someone to be there with us?
Farrah send Kim a text, asking her to come home. She had also sent her mum a text asking if she could be there too. Maybe with her mum being there it wouldn't get out of hand and she could get Kim to listen and not get upset.
Tegan: I know you're probably getting tired of people asking you this, but seriously how are you doing? You look dreadful.
Kim: Wow you really know how to make a girl feel special. I know I look awful alright. These nightmares are still keeping me up most nights.
Tegan: Have you considered speaking to someone? Maybe can take you back on as his patient? According to what you have told me about your previous sessions with him, you seemed to enjoy the conversations.
Kim: I don't want to talk about it. I want to forget it ever happened.
Tegan: You know Farrah's concerned about your behaviour right? She hasn't really spoken to me about it, but I can see it when I look at her.
Kim: We have been arguing a lot lately. She just doesn't want to let it go, she won't stop pestering me with questions. I get that she means well but she needs to understand that I don't want any help, or someone to talk to. I just want to move on.
Tegan: And how are you planning on doing that ey? You've been barely sleeping, you're moody all the time. Farrah seems miserable. Who knows she might be thinking of leaving ya.
Kim: I couldn't blame her if she did. I'm probably not that great to be around right now. Or pretty much ever since I've come back.
Tegan: Do you want to lose her or something?
Kim: Maybe I just can't be the person that she fell in love with. Maybe she's better off without me.
Tegan: You're kidding right. You're just going to let the woman you love go. Not even going to fight for your relationship? I know that what you went through must have been traumatizing. But as long as you don't talk about it, talk about how you're feeling, what you're thinking, then you're not going to get better. And breaking up with Farrah definitely won't do you any good. I would have thought that you would've been able to talk to her about it. She already knows so much about you and has never judged you for it. Why is it so hard to talk about it now? Did Ryan do something to you? Did he rape you?
Kim jumped out of her chair furious but trying to not raise her voice too much as she didn't want to attract any attention from the people around them. "No of course not, and don't ever ask me that again. I don't want to talk about it. Not now, not ever. You better accept that, cause if you don't then we're done. You got that?'' "Fine'', Tegan answered still shocked by her friend's outburst. She didn't expect her to react like this. But she figured that there had to be some truth in what she had suggested, else Kim would have never reacted as strongly as she did. Kim left the café and went for a walk outside to collect herself and try to calm down.
Why do I do this? Why do I hurt everyone I love? First Farrah and now Tegan. I know they mean well, but I just wish that they didn't. I chose to forget certain things a long time ago and I intend to keep it forgotten. I know I haven't been dealing with the situation well. I had no idea that this was going to affect me as much as it has up till now. Fine nightmares I had expected. Memories of being locked up there, it made sense. But the nightmares weren't about that room in Hollyoaks High. The memories that haunted me weren't of that room. Ryan Knight had quite quickly left my mind and it wasn't him that I was afraid of. Why did my past have to come back and haunt me again? I'm going to lose everything because of it. It's a wonder that Farrah hasn't already broken up with me. She's too kind, she would probably never give up on me. But that sad thing is, I think I have. I can't be fixed. And I am the only one that can end her misery. I need to let her go and let her find someone else so that she can be happy again.
As Kim was thinking of a way to break up with Farrah she got a text message off of her. Asking her to come home so that they could talk. Maybe she has come to the same conclusion as I have, Kim thought to herself. Kim went straight home and when she opened the door she was surprised to see Farrah with her mum sitting at the dinner table. This looked suspiciously a lot like an intervention.
Kim: Oh God you've got to be kidding me. Listen don't bother trying. No need for some kind of intervention.
Farrah: I just want you to hear me out.
Kim: I wanted to do this nicely, cause you deserve that much. But I've got the feeling that you won't accept it when I do it nicely.
Farrah: Do what nicely?
Kim: I'm done alright. I'm done with you, done with us. I will pack my stuff, leave this house and never come back. And don't try to fight me on this. You know this is for the best. We have both been miserable like ever since I came back. I can't change the way I am. I don't want to try to change the way I am. So I'm ending it right here and now so you can move on.
Farrah: How dare you? You don't get to just walk away when it gets too tough for ya. Yes it has been horrible the last couple of weeks. But I have never given up on you, on us. And I expect you to do the same and stay here and talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Please I beg you.
Kim: I can't do that.
Farrah: Why not? You can tell my anything you know that. I love you Kim and I won't let you walk away that easily.
They had both started crying at this point and Misbah had decided to go upstairs and give the girls some privacy. "I know and I love you so much too. But this is too much. I have fought my entire life, and this is where my battle ends. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just so tired. I thought that after I would be found that it would all go back to the way things were. It was naïve of me to think that way. But that experience has brought back things that I never thought would resurface. I won't talk about it, I can't do that. And I'm so sorry that things have to end like this. I really thought that we had a chance of never ending. That I would finally have my happy ever after. And I wanted to give you the same happiness that you have given to me. But those opportunities are gone now. I'm letting you go whilst I still can. I'm doing this because I love you, because I respect you. And if you feel the same than you will let me do this'' Kim was now pretty much begging Farrah to let her leave. "Fine'', Farrah said. "But if you leave now than that's that. Because you're not the only one that's done fighting. I will move on from you. I won't wait till you're 'better'. Or till you do want to talk about it. I won't be there anymore when you need someone. And I really hope for you that you haven't already shutout Tegan, cause I think she's the only one left that is still tolerating you." Kim went upstairs to get her stuff. Farrah watched her walk away from her and for a moment she considered stopping her. But she knew that there was nothing she could do for Kim. If she didn't want help than she couldn't force her. Farrah tried to keep any more tears from falling. But when her mum walked down the stairs and stood in front of her she broke down in her arms crying. She knew that this was the end for her and Kim.