Maybe I have just made the biggest mistake of my life, letting the woman that I love go. Leaving her without giving a proper explanation. But I know that we could've continued going on like this. The constant tension that was surrounding us, we both have been unhappy for the past couple of weeks. Or pretty much ever since being rescued from the school. Maybe all of this could have been resolved by opening up to her, tell her everything that has been going on in my head. Some days I would think to myself, this is the day I tell Farrah all that has been bothering me. Tell her the terrors of my past that are still haunting me right now. Being locked up made me relive certain things and being home made it even worse. I felt like I couldn't escape. I know how weird that must sound, that in a way I felt more save at the school because I knew that no one would come there. No one to yell at me or get mad. And here I had a loving girlfriend who took care of me. A warm home, a bed, a shower and proper food. But that felt suffocating to me, it didn't actually make me feel like i was safe. The days that I would try to found the courage and the words to tell Farrah how I felt something always stopped me. Scared that she wouldn't understand, that she would look differently at me. So ignoring my feelings and thoughts seemed like the best thing to do, until it wasn't. I couldn't do it anymore. I was making Farrah miserable with my behaviour, not on purpose of course. Well, maybe a part of me wanted to push her away. Make it easier when the moment came that she would get too fed up with me to continue our relationship. She never got to that point. I beat her to it. I know it's going to be hard for her to move on and forget about us, the same way it will be hard for me to forget about her. Because I don't want to forget, don't want to lose us. But to tell her my story. How does anyone begin to tell a story like mine?
She would pity me, feel sorry for me. And I don't want any of that. I don't want her to look at my like I'm some kind of charity case. I never saw myself as a victim and I never will. It was just the way I was brought up, those were supposed to be the best years of my life. Being a child with no responsibilities whatsoever. It was meant to be easy being a kid. But not for me. Farrah would probably call me brave and strong for being able to deal with all of this. To move on and not let any of this stop me from being me and living my life the way I want it to. While truthfully I never have been able to do any of these things. Yes I have lived my life but never really the way I wanted to. Everything that came on my path I tried to work with. The only thing I ever truly did choose myself was to come out as gay and that still is something I'm proud of. Together with becoming a nurse. I worked my butt of in college to achieve a medical degree. College years were probably my best years. I didn't have my parents to deal with, I moved out the moment I got accepted to medical school. Moved into a small apartment in London with someone else I had met on the introduction of school, Sarah. She also really wanted to move out of her parents house. And luckily we got along really well so we searched together for something affordable. Which in London was pretty much impossible to do so. But we ended up finding something, yes it was very small but we had a roof over our head and that was all that mattered to us back then.
Sarah and I seemed to have a few things in common. Including having a bad relationship with our parents. Hers had gotten divorced when she was just three and she never really had a relationship with her mum. She had met a new bloke, moved in with him and never looked back at the family she had left behind. Her dad and her had gotten very close after that ordeal. Until her dad met another woman, things moved quickly from there on. Sarah never really got along that well with her step mum. So when she got the chance to move out of their house she did. I was surprised at how easily she had opened up to me. It also scared me because what if she expected the same from me. How the hell was I going to tell about my childhood. To my surprise she never pushed for any information. She respected my decision to not really talk about it. Occasionally I would tell her a few things here and there. Nothing to serious, mostly stories that were actually quite happy memories to me.
So I decided to give Sarah a call and ask if I can stay at hers for a while. We haven't spoken that much to each other since graduating but sometimes we would speak via social media. She still lives in London, got herself a house in the outskirts. And has got a spare bedroom for me where I can stay till I can sort things out for myself. I haven't really decided what I'm going to be doing in London. Maybe I can search for a job as a nurse there? Maybe London will be another new beginning for me?
Flashback London 2011
It had been nearly eight months since Kim had moved out of her parent's house and moved into an apartment together with Sarah, whom she had met at school. She was finally enjoying life. She had made some new friends at school and things were looking up for her. Contact with her parents was rare, they barely spoke to each other, but they would call her about once a month to check up on her. One day her mum called her and told Kim that she and her husband would be visiting her next weekend to she how she was doing. Kim really wasn't looking forward to that. But she knew that she couldn't say no to them visiting her. There was one more thing on Kim's mind and that was making sure that Sarah wasn't going to be present when her parents would come by. Kim's parents could be the nicest people you would ever meet if they wanted to. Which when it came to Kim wasn't that often. She didn't want Sarah to see how they treated her, she had made a new friend which was hard enough for her to begin with. Yes Sarah had her own problems with her family but they weren't as major as compared to Kim's. Kim tried to think of a good enough excuse to get Sarah to leave for the weekend but everything she came up with sounded a bit too farfetched. And Sarah had started to notice Kim acting strangely. So she had straight up asked Kim what was going on with he. Unable to come up with something believable she told her that her parents were visiting her. Sarah knew that this was a sensitive subject for her, with Kim barely talking about them at all. But Sarah was very curious as to why she wouldn't be aloud to meet them.
Sarah: You're not embarrassed of me, are ya?
Kim: No of course not. Listen it's not you alright.
Sarah: Yeah that was what my last boyfriend said when I had found out he had been cheating on me. I didn't believe him though.
Kim: I'm serious. It's them. My parents aren't the most pleasant to be around. And I would rather just be alone with them. I'm scared that they might offend you or something.
Sarah: Kim I'm a big girl, I can handle myself. How bad can they really be? You are one of the loveliest people I have ever met. And you must be alike somehow. So I will be here when they come. And I'll be on my best behaviour for them, they'll love me.
Kim: Don't be too sure about that. They don't just like anyone. Come to think of it, they don't like anyone period. Fine if you really want to stay, I've warned you though.
Sarah: Yes I want to. You're my mate and I want to be there for you. If they say anything rude to either of us I'll kick them our alright? Won't let them hurt you.
Kim: Thank you, I really appreciate it.
Sarah: Don't worry about it. I know you don't like talking about them, but maybe you should. Make me understand your situation a bit better.
Kim: I wouldn't know where to start to be honest.
Sarah: Just start talking and we'll see where we end up. Nothing you say will make me change my opinion of you. You will still be the same person to me. Listen why don't you sit down and I will make us a cuppa and then we'll talk, or not whatever you fancy. I won't push you.