Picture the scene: An exotic (fake) bearskin rug, all cosy and snug.

A roaring, crackling fireplace, on the coldest of nights.

Two glasses of vintage champagne, from the finest of vineyards.

Candles lit everywhere you care to look, even some floating ones.

Slushy ballad warbling away in the background, perfect lurve music.

The lights dimmed low, creating the ideal romantic ambiance.

And on said rug in front of the aforementioned fireplace, the world's most sexiest eligible Kitty Cat reclines, clad in nothing more than a black leather thong and velvet feline mask.

Sweat pours down every sinew of his bare, hairless chest, intermingled with the melting ice cubes he seductively rubs against his warm flesh.

He licks his lips lustfully as he imagines the taste of His Lady on them later. True, the two have shared passionate embraces before, but nothing on the scale of tonight. The Big Night. The Night That Will Change Everything.

Get your maps, folks. For we are truly entering uncharted territory.

Poor Kitty is getting kind of lonesome. He glances at the ornate wall-mounted clock. Five minutes past midnight.

His little lovebug is late, or maybe this was her intention all along. She loves to keep her Kitty Cat in suspense, so when the Big Moment finally arrives, everything will be worth it.

Oh, it'll be so worth it.

Speak of the devil, or someone equally as wicked who dresses in red. The sitting room door creaks opens as His Lady finally makes her long-awaited appearance.

Slowly, at first. A bare limb dangling just over the threshold, a single hand gesturing to Her Love to prepare to have The Time Of His Life.

There would be no Dirty Dancing tonight, though. Just Dirty, Filthy, Off-The-Chain lovemaking.

And maybe a quick game of Scrabble, or two.

This would be the night when physicality finally met intimacy, and a new chapter in their relationship would find song and fully bloom for the first time.

At last, at long, long last, His Lady grows tired of all the cruel teasing and tortuous foreplay, and reveals herself in all her glory to her excitable Kitty.

And boy oh boy, isn't she a sight for sore eyes? Or sore hands, if you know what I mean.

The red and black spotted lingerie set shouldn't come as much of a shock, after all he purchased it for her as a gift just last Christmas.

She'd promised to save it 'for a special occasion', and man, did this fit the bill. And then some.

What never ceased to amaze our lucky Kitty Cat, no matter how many times he saw her in a state of undress, was that the beauty of His Lady was reflected not just in her heart, but her body too.

That flawless complexion, which could've belonged to a china doll. Her toned tum and bum, full beneficiaries of constant akuma-baiting and strenuous bouts of Pilates. Her luscious, fully ripened breasts

Ah, now our Kitty Cat is getting aroused, but he can't blow his cover just yet. After all, the night is still young, and he must be patient to get his paws on the merchandise.

Noting that he liked what he'd seen so far, His Lady smiles as she sashays over to his prostate form, her gymnastic prowess all too evident in her provocative poses and sensual simulation.

As she slowly approaches her hot target, shimmying and swaying all the way, the whole agonising ordeal almost becomes too much for our lovelorn Kitty Cat.

Oh, how he longs to reach out and touch her pale, pristine skin! To hold this perfect work of art in his arms, and never again let her go!

To whip off his loincloth and her underwear there and then, so they could give into their primitive animal instincts and indulge their greatest fantasies with no shame, no regrets, no nothing… except pure, unadulterated passion.

But Kitty Cat knows that going feral is not the answer. He sees the show His Lady is putting on now is all part of 'The Game', and he must be a willing player.

'The best things come to those who wait' after all, and by the time this is over, won't he be 'the cat that got the cream'?

The sexy dance portion of the evening is finally concluded, and now the sexy flirting instalment can commence. You'll notice a lot of words with 'sexy' in front of them in this fic. Deal with it.

It's always very important for couples to communicate, but this will be a conversation like no other.

The lovestruck superhero duo often spar verbally regarding their complicated feelings for one another, both on and off duty. Now however, that formerly subtle banter has taken on a new dimension of explicitness, as seen in this rather frank opening exchange…

"So, my little Lovebug. You ready for me to knock spots off you tonight?"

"Ooo! Kitty Cat has claws! You better sheath those things before I file them down."

"But Kitty needs to protect himself tonight from the Big Bad Bug! What else can I use, when she forces herself on me?"

"Well, Kitty already has a big expandable stick he can use in his defense. And he could try using his rough tongue and those sharp teeth of his. Might I suggest nibbling around my neck? Lovebug has a weak spot there that makes her go all gooey."

"Aha! Kitty will most certainly give that a try, but first he needs to taste something else of his Lovebug, if she'll let him. After all, what's the point of living in France, if you can't French Kiss once in a while?"

"Well, Kitty certainly is a feisty one tonight! I might have to tie you up with my yo-yo, if you're not careful! I'll give you a flavour of my love, if you show Lovebug what she's wanted to see for so long now. Do we have a deal?"

"U-Um, sure Lovebug. But if Kitty is out of the bag, does that mean you'll also show me your 'Lucky Charm'…?"

"Yes, but Mama Lovebug has been waiting to see her unspayed Kitty for so long, that she's getting kind of desperate. If she doesn't have what she needs soon, then she may have to fly away to pastures new, and Kitty will need a new owner. Wouldn't that be a 'Cataclysm'?"

"K-Kitty will be good, he swears. But if he's going to shed his fur, it would be nice if Lovebug would lift up her wings to show me what's underneath, too. Shall we do it together?"

"How could I possibly say 'no' to my pampered pet? Alright Kitty, Lovebug is ready to agree to those terms. Can we start immediately, before the fire dies down and the sparkling wine becomes as flat as your jokes?"

"O-Okay. On the count of three?"

"I was thinking more on the count of 'one', Kitty, but if you need a little more time to prepare, that's fine with me."

"E-Erm... Thanks, I think? So anyway, here goes nothing. A-one. And a-two. And a-thre…"


A slightly obese bearded Frenchman wanders on set, and throws down a stack of papers in front of the scantily clad co-stars.

"This isn't the script I wrote for the live-action Miraculous Ladybug movie!" he screams, as the two bewildered actors begin hastily covering up. "This is some kind of seedy porno, with the worst dialogue I've ever heard! Burn this horrible atrocity immediately, and never let it see the light of day again! Also, find out who's responsible for this outrage, and kill them! Or fire them instead, either way works for me. I'm going to my trailer. Unless you have a cup of black coffee and a danish for me, I don't wish to be disturbed for the rest of the afternoon! Au revoir to you all!"

And as the door on the plush trailer marked T . Astruc is firmly slammed shut, and the set designers and makeup people begin working overtime to correct their most grievous of errors, a young assistant arrives to grab the erroneous script to no doubt cast it into the nearest furnace…

Except, she doesn't. Holding it close to her chest as if it were a precious babe, she sighs in frustration at having come so near, yet so far, to having all of her dreams come true.

"Well, it was worth a shot. fanfiction . net , it is then."


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, this was very fun to write. No, I'm not ashamed at all. Till next time then… ;)