I OWN NOTHING. SM OWNS TWILIGHT. ALL I OWN IS MY DARK THOUGHTS :)
THIS ISN'T BETA'D, SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME!
WARNING: TALK OF VIOLENCE AND RAPE. NOTHING GRAPHIC IN DETAIL THOUGH. THIS STORY IS RATED M FOR A REASON. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Some chapters will be long and some short. It depends on how much comes out when I write.
I don't have a posting schedule. I have a baby that is under a year old so she takes up most of my time but I promise I'll try and post as often as possible.
Hey! Leave a review so I know what you guys are thinking! Do you love it? Do you hate it? Always try and be respectful though; there's no need for hatred. Thanks for taking the time to read my story!
Song: I miss you by Blink-182
Where are you?
And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
A/N: JUST IN CASE IT WASN'T OBVIOUS. VICTORIA AND RILEY ARE VERY MUCH DEAD. THE CULLENS OBVIOUSLY KILLED THEM.
The sun hitting my bare arms is what wakes me.
I smile to myself. Is this what heaven feels like? It's warm. I wasn't expecting that. To still feel so alive. It's so quiet around me; all I can hear is my breathing. Then, I feel something brush against my fingers. It's the lightest of touch; almost like a feather. I want to open my eyes but they feel so heavy.
"Open those beautiful brown eyes for me, baby."
I want to sob. That voice is so beautiful. My throat is dry as I croak out, "Edward."
"Yes, I'm here, Bella, please open your eyes," He begs.
I can't have that so I force my sandpaper eyes open and stare into caramel gold ones. They're the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
"Hi," He says and he looks like he'd be crying if he could.
He is so tragically handsome, even with his devastated expression. I stare back at him. I have so many things I want to say but I don't know how to get them out. They bubble in my chest; threatening to burst out all at once.
"You left me." I finally say.
He holds my gaze before looking away, so unlike him, "I..." He sighs heavily, "If I said I did it for your own good, would that upset you?" He asks me.
I stare unseeingly at the gold comforter that cocoons me, "Because of what happened with Jasper?" I question.
He tugs at his messy bronze hair and chuckles without humor, "I was trying to protect you from us and all I did was almost get you killed. I will never forgive myself."
I pick at a hangnail on my left thumb before bringing it up to my mouth to chew on. His hands stop me. My eyes lift and meet his.
He speaks again, "Will you ever be able to forgive me?" He wonders and his words are so sad.
I stare into his eyes; holding his gaze and try to read them. I want so badly to tell him yes - that nothing he could do would ever be unforgivable but I can't. I break our gaze and look back down. This time I stare at his long fingers. I reach out and take one of his hands but it's cold so I immediately drop it. Memories flood through my brain before I can stop them. I go to scoot away from him quickly but I end up slipping and falling off the bed. He makes no attempt to reach for me as he peers over the bed. A sharp pain twists in my stomach and I look down to see the white t-shirt I'm wearing slowly starts to turn red. I've broken open one of my stitches in my stomach.
My eyes dart back up to Edward, "Don't come near me," I grit out from clenched teeth. Afraid he will attack me because of the blood.
I hear him exhale shakily, "Bella, let me help you," He pleads.
"Edward... the blood," I say and look down.
I'm bleeding more now; the blood is dripping down onto my thighs. Shit. When I look back up, Edward is standing in front of me. He makes a show of being super slow as he reaches for me. I let him pick me up and he carries me out of the room I was in. He walks down the long hallway and into a room that looks like it belongs in a hospital. There's a hospital bed in the center and all sorts of hospital equipment surrounding us. He sets me down on the bed.
"Would you like me to get Carlisle? But, you do know that I've gotten my medical degree twice now. So I know what I'm doing," He tells me. He's looking at me as if I'm a wounded animal and I hate it.
I huff angrily; feeling the tears build, "I know you think I'm disgusting now, so why are you even here?" I snap.
He looks taken aback, "Disgusting? How could you think that?" He almost hisses at me; his eyes are slits now.
I pick up the closest thing my hands can reach and throw it at him. It hits his chest and shatters into pieces. I keep throwing things until the tears are so heavy that I can no longer see. My chest is heaving greatly as I slowly slide off the bed and onto the cold floor. Blood is everywhere now but I don't care. I can no longer hear anything over the sobs that wreck havoc on my body. I'm gasping now; unable to breathe when Edward slides down onto the floor with me. He wraps his strong arms around me and crushes me to his chest.
"Don't... touch... me!" I sob in between words but my fingers clutch his shirt and pull him closer.
"I've got you, baby; I'll never let go," He chants.
"You left me! You left me to get raped! You left me to get tortured and mutilated! I'm disgusting now! She's taken everything from me! I have nothing!" I scream and cry at the same time.
He strokes my back, "You have me. I promise you, Bella, I'm never leaving you again. Never."
But I can't trust him. He left me before. What's to stop him if something else happens? Something with Jasper? Or if my nervous breakdowns become too much for him? I can't trust him. I can't trust anyone. He'll leave again. They'll all leave and I'll be alone. I'll die alone. With just the memories of someone else violating my body. Of someone else touching me that isn't Edward when all I've ever wanted was him.
"I don't trust you! You'll leave me again! Just kill me! Make the pain stop!" I cry.
He holds me tighter, "Please, Bella," He groans as if I'm physically hurting him.
"You leaving me hurt worse than her ripping off my pinky," I tell him and I want to hurt him. I want him to hurt as much as I'm hurting. A sound comes from his lips that sounds almost like a whimper. As if he's the wounded animal. I ignore it and keep going, "It hurt worse than being raped... being ripped apart, being raped so violently that my pelvis was broken. That after he was done raping me, I thought I was going to die. I prayed for it."
He sounds as if he's gasping now, "Bella," He whispers my name. His face is buried in my hair.
My left hand hits the floor and I search for something broken. I find glass and quickly bring it to my wrist. I press it to my skin and a bead of blood escapes. Before I can go any further though, he rips the glass out of my hand; cutting me in the process.
I watch, fascinated with the blood that drips down my hand, before looking back at him. "Blood used to freak me out, remember? Now... I think it's beautiful."
He stares at me as though he's afraid I've lost my mind and maybe I have. He doesn't say anything when he lifts me gently off the floor and puts me back on the bed.
I stare straight ahead; getting lost in thought before suddenly looking at him again, "Do you love me Edward?" I ask him.
He pauses from bandaging my hand, "I've always loved you, Bella, and I always will," He replies and moves to check on my stomach.
"Then why won't you kill me?" I demand.
His eyes flick back up to mine, "Because I love you."
I don't care. "I want to die."
"I won't let you." He states simply and continues to work on restitching me.
"You never loved me," I bite out. "I'm not pretty enough for you. Not good enough for you."
"You know that's not true," He says, hurt.
"That's what you said when you left me, that I wasn't good enough for you," I return.
"No, that's what you thought I said, you twisted my words into what you wanted to hear."
I stop and think about that. Going back to that moment in the woods. He's right. He didn't say that in those words. I heard my own insecurities because he made it easy to.
"I'm disgusting now, Edward. You shouldn't be with someone like me. Someone used and broken. I was saving my virginity for you. I didn't want anyone else touching me but you. I wanted your hands on me the first time we made love and now - " I look down at my hands and blink the tears out of my eyes. "He took that from me. She took that from me. It was yours and now it's gone."
He puts a cold finger under my chin -I try not to flinch- and raises my head to look at him. His eyes are intense as he stares into mine. His hands cup my face and so slowly he lowers his face to mine. His lips touch mine and sparks shoot through me. I thought they were gone. I thought I would never feel that again. He keeps his lips on mine, unmoving, for what feels like an eternity. I want to hold him against me and never let him leave. I start to move my lips and he responds. He kisses me until I'm breathless. Until my body is jelly. Until I feel like I'm being pulled under dark water. Until I feel alive again. That's all I want - to feel like Edward wants me.
I feel his erection against me and it makes my heart pound. He starts to pull away from me.
I cling to him, "No!" I shout and turn red in embarrassment for being so loud. "Don't let go of me!" I beg him as I hold him tighter against me.
He sighs in relief, "Never," He promises.
I rest my head on his silent chest and try not to cry.
"It's okay, Bella," He assures me.
So I let go and know that he'll be there to pick me up again after I've shattered into a million pieces.
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