Final chapter, baby! Woohoo!
Both figures looked up at the sudden, blinding beam of a high powered flashlight. One suddenly blinded figure, pinned flush against a wall and whimpering; the other, doing the pinning. One hand on the victim's unbuckled belt, frozen where it'd already started work on pulling the pants down.
Nearby, a carton of milk burbled its last ounces out onto the grimy, cold concrete of the graffiti lined alley. Completely forgotten.
"Back away from the law abiding milk drinker, now!" The blue uniformed shadow wielding both the flashlight and a handgun ordered.
"Uh-huh, yeah, I don't think so," said the thug as he pulled the poor, quavering victim from the mold covered wall. Just to shove him back against it. Eliciting a terrified mewl.
"Hey, fucker, I'm not kidding; this thing's loaded, and I was top of my class in marksmanship," warned the actually not that tall copper with a twitch of her gat.
"What, you got a problem with this?" Said the evil mass of bulging muscles, yanking the guy with his pants only not sliding off his ass by the grace of God into a brutal headlock. Wicked knife glinting in the stark torchlight where he held it to the throat of the guy quivering in his other arm.
"You wanna slink back the way you came and let us have a short and sweet together, or your 'Copliness' want me to 'back away slowly'," said with the knife pushing just hard enough against a bare sliver of neck to draw out a noise of pain, "and drag him off someplace a little more private. Maybe for an extended stay?"
"I said freeze, f-"
"You might wanna rethink that next word, if you catch my meaning." Said as the brutish arm around the thinner guy's wind tube tightened obviously.
"What happens next is lady's choice, and you better make up your mind quick, or I might just get bored: slit this cretan's throat right here and let you clean up the mess."
When a few seconds passed with no decision forthcoming, the grip on the knife shifted. "Alright, suit yourself, copp-"
"Or! Or," the beat cop with the ponytail started. "Or, we could share?" She suggested, lowering her piece a hair and a half.
The one holding the proverbial cards scoffed.
"What, haven't you heard of 'dirty' cops? Or police brutality?" The woman in blue asked, lowering her weapon another few inches. Flashlight staying just were it was.
"Really? You get yourself a nice, at gun point, Good Samaritan 'donation' every once in a while? In an alley?"
"Your hard-on is my wide-on, bucko," she assured. Causing the guy with very little air reaching his brain and a knife to his throat to sob.
The other two ignored the histrionics out of hand.
"...You bring any rubbers to this rodeo?"
"Never leave home without them." Said as the muzzle of the copper's pistol dropped the last half foot. Mirrored in the way the knife fell some inches from the immediate threat of civilian death.
"Heh. You're alright by me then, Calamity Ja-"
The percussive sound of a handgun going off shocked all parties. Until the beleaguered, convenience store patron who'd decided to cut through this alley on his way home from a late night milk run nearly fell over backwards. The suddenly lax arm hooked around his neck pulling as the thug went down with a satisfying thud.
The copper approached, gun held to the side and just as ready in case it was still needed.
"You alright?" She directed at the guy who didn't have a hole right between his eyes. And also wasn't laying on the disgusting floor of an alley that hadn't seen a street sweeper in decades.
And didn't have a shining, Winter Soldier style metal arm.
"Aside from the years of nightmares I can already feel gearing themselves up: Yeah, I'm fine. How-how can I ever repay you for shooting that guy in the head?"
"You can plant your seed in my fertile soil right now," said the copper. Before shoving the would be victim against the alley wall, right where he'd been when she'd found him. Only, this time, he was whimpering for a whole different reason.
"See, Cher? This is when you were conceived," Ness said with every ounce of excitement a parent used when talking to their exceedingly young child.
"Um, yeah, maybe this next part can wait until she's older," Wade suggested, muting the tv as some very adult sounds began coming out the speakers.
"Or never, actually. Pretty sure that's the kind of family home movie that scars a kid for life," Cable spoke up from where he was looking very satisfied with the quality of his beer. And their choice of post dinner 'entertainment'.
"Ooh, right," Ness started. "We didn't really think this through, huh?"
"Nope. There was absolutely no thinking on my part. I leave the thinking up to you three," Wade said with a hand indicating the people of assorted ages all draped with him across the medium sized, overstuffed sofa.
"Probably not a bad idea," Cable said as he tipped up his refreshment and swallowed the last drops.
"Great idea, actually," Ness agreed.
Cher made an adorable burping noise which everyone took to signify ascent. And a thank you for the meal she'd just eaten. From her mommy's supple, larger than usual mammaries. Right after she'd woken from her super cute baby nap and before they'd popped in the movie. Or 'pulled it up' using Cable's cyborg mind powers.
Wade hadn't been paying attention to that part. What with Cher cooing that adorable way she did after getting herself a satisfying bellyful.
"Yep. That tears it: I'm never thinking again. Means I'm screwed if any one of you disappears to an alternate dimension, or goes off to boarding school because it turns out you inherited a super awesome mutant gene or two, or-or..." Wade trailed off as he realized where that train of thought always led him.
A place he never wanted to find his indestructible self again.
"Hey," started Cable, getting Wade's attention with a hand to his drooping shoulder. "What'd you just say about never thinking again?"
"He's right, you know," Ness agreed as she bounced Cher in her arms, almost as if hefting her to check her weight, then passed her over to the guy in the room who'd once had to live with the crushing weight of her death for weeks and who, it turned out, still wasn't completely over it.
Wade noticed Ness's face soften as she watched him cradle their baby in practiced, I'm-an-expert-at-handling-weapons-so-babies-shouldn't-be-so-hard hands.
"You know we're not going anywhere, right?" His wife —it was still hard to believe— started. "I mean, neither of us would leave you alone with that baby. Not until she's legitimately old enough to care for herself and you're basically her glorified butler," Ness lovingly assured. Punctuating the promise by resting her head on his shoulder and taking a sniff of his natural, pleasing musk.
"You're kinda stuck with us. Besides, I've got a 'time machine'. Pretty hard to beat that, right?" His husband —just as hard to believe— asked. Surprising Wade with a peck on the lips when he turned to look him in the face.
"Say? Can we go to jail for this?" Ness asked, pointing to Wade's two, very obviously different, wedding bands. "Isn't this considered some form of polygamy? Is that still illegal?" She asked, bringing up a concern that she'd likely never thought about before.
"Oh, these?" Wade asked, flexing the fingers of his 'sorry, taken' hand.
"There're laws against that?!" Cable disbelieved in a disbelieving voice.
"No, no, no. No laws against what we three, enthusiastically consenting adults did," Wade reassured with a hand on Cable's unnecessarily worried knee. "After all: Ness and Wade are married, and Cable and Deadpool are the lucky ducks who got to tie the knot in Vegas after the officiator had three two many drinks and agreed that costumes and only one name each did, indeed, a wedding make. So long as we had rings."
"That did seem odd. A woman of the church drinking to dissolution before going on shift? And she didn't even ask to see identification or-"
"Or my face, but that's probably a good thing right there. She might'a passed out-"
"-if she did."
"Oh my God! I love it when you two get all 'old married couple' on each other! You do realize you were finishing each other's sentences, right?" Ness cackled from where she'd leaned away from Wade's side enough that she could really take in the love.
"Uh, we do it on purpose?" Wade suggested.
"I have a psychic bond with all three of you." The cyborg admitted in as deadpan a voice as ever. Causing the other three quarters of the family to gawp at him, none sure whether he was telling a lie, or a really, really cool truth.
"So... we're always connected. Though, not intrusively," Cable tacked on, sounding like he was worried he'd broken the humans from the past with his futuristic, potentially super powered, admission.
"Wow. I thought I could feel you inside me even when we're apart," Wade said in a tender tone. Causing everyone —including Cher— to snort in the wake of the broken 'what did he just say about our minds?' tension.
"We're a bunch of fuck-ups, aren't we?" Ness offered to the room at large. Question ending in a hearty laugh.
"Oh, I don't know," Cable started, sounding thoughtful. "We made a pretty good porno."
At that, the family looked up to where their 'home movie' was still rolling silently in the background, and promptly lost their shit at the image of a zombified cyborg pulling himself off the unsanitary alley floor and shambling over to join the cop-on-civilian fun.
The laughter woke the neighbors. The across the street neighbors.
And Wade realized that he'd never been happier. Even when the across the street neighbors threatened to call the cops, but settled for throwing rotten eggs at their window.
Yeah. This was the life. And there was no way Wade wasn't staying alive for the entire ride. Not when he had so much to live for. Not when he had three beautiful people to cuddle and care for and cherish and support.
After all, in the end: wasn't that what the 'good life' was all about?
"From the top?" Wade asked, gesturing with his baby in his arms toward the TV set.
"Oh, hell yes," said Ness, with a little fist pump. "We should get oscars for this shit!"
"Well, I'm grabbing another beer, then I can watch myself die again," said Cable as he schlepped himself off the couch and in the direction of the fridge.
"Babe, you were great," Wade assured. "Those reactions weren't for the camera; I was legitimately terrified something more forceful was gonna go down."
"It did." Pointed out the cyborg as he retook his seat, cold beer in hand.
"Oh, press play already you beautiful remote control!" Demanded Ness. Sounding like this was only a warmup and she was eager to get to the 'main course'.
"You heard the copper," Wade said to the lowlife sitting at his other side.
"Wouldn't wanna get shot between the eyes again," Cable grumbled. A good natured sound which got the whole couch laughing again.
If it earned them a few more eggs to the window, so be it. Wade wasn't gonna curb a single minute of his nor any other member of his family's happiness.
After all: life was sacred. And they had a porno to watch.
Alright folks, just because the ride has come to a full and complete stop does not mean it's time to disembark! A sequel is coming your way and not to give anything away, but it's gonna be super boring. Yeah. Basically just this story a second time, pacing switched up, but from that sleemo Cable's perspective.
Anyway, anyone interested can retighten their seatbelts and you're more than welcome to stick around for the continuing ride. ;D
Hope things are going well for y'all and feel free to let me know whether you enjoyed!