1A completely unnecessary follow up to 'A Glimpse', a re-worked 'Family Man' story I wrote a number of years ago, so long ago I can no longer get at my original account where it resides.
s/1064182/1/A-Glimpse
30 second summary - AU from season 6, 8 years post End of Days, no Spike 'thing', no Connor. Buffy gets a glimpse into another reality, sees what could have been. Realises she has been missing out on really living. This is what happens straight afterwards, when she goes to grab life by the wotsits and make things right.
This sequel begged to be written way back when but yes, completely unnecessary, 'A Glimpse' exists perfectly well without it. But I'm flexing my writing muscles again and have re-written this just because.
Was a little too long for a one-shot, I have split it into two parts.
Disclaimer: none of these characters belong to me, all Joss genius, I'm a simple fangirl.
Please read and review
A Cup of Coffee
Right, this was it. Funny how an hour ago this was all she could think about; and now… Now it seemed suddenly not so much the brilliant idea it was then. Well it's not funny, it's terrifying. And now they were sat here, he's sat here, and she was meant to, do something, talk, yes, but how? Ugh why were things so complicated, and weird and so painful it was hard to think or do anything. I guess at this point she had nothing to lose.
"Maybe I should start, since I'm the reason you're here and not on a plane to Paris." Buffy's weak joke sounding even worse than it had in her head. She might have seen a slight smile, but he didn't reply, not sure whether this was a bad thing, she carried on.
"I've been so disconnected from everything for so long and then there was this, this thing, this glimpse and now everything is clearer, and I'm…feeling…things, more myself again." There was a short silence before he finally spoke,
"You had a vision?" He quirked an eyebrow slightly as he regarded her. Sipping his coffee tentatively.
"I don't know what it was, maybe it was a vision or an alternate dimension or, I dunno, it was pretty long for a vision, it was months and then I woke up back at home and it was Christmas, again."
"You'd had Christmas before?"
"Yeah, it was Christmas Day when I woke up there, wherever it was. I'd gone to sleep on Christmas Eve, in my apartment and then when I woke up I was…somewhere else." Was it her or was all this sounding lamer by the second. she stirred her coffee, so unsure of his thoughts. It had never been like this before, so completely unsure of him, yet another stark reminder of the tides of change. Maybe he would listen; she'd persuaded him to have coffee, and that would have to be enough, enough to kindle a small hope within her.
"You say somewhere else, where exactly?" She considered him and his question, feeling reluctant. "Come on Buffy, you can't just show up here after how many years, stop me getting on a plane, tell me that we had two beautiful children and a wonderful life and not tell me the rest. Isn't it the reason you came?" She hated it when he was right.
"Yes, partly I guess. After being there, I realised some things, and I just couldn't let you…."
"Go?" He finished the thought for her. She wasn't sure whether the guarded look in his eyes was one of hope or wishful thinking.
"Go like that; not this time. I've seen too much, I couldn't let it happen again without trying to talk. I'm sorry I realise this is selfish but I needed so much to see whether there was anything there, forgiveness maybe, anything left of that connection between us." He looked like he might be about to say something, but she decided to carry on; afraid he might destroy those last remnants of hope.
"You want to know the rest, right?" He nodded interested but remained guarded, "Well, I woke up in bed, at first I thought I was dreaming, was so confused, and more than a bit freaked out, especially when I realised you were there." She tried not to smile at the memory, but it didn't keep the hint of an amazed tone out of her voice and a slightly blush rising, prickling her neck and face. She didn't want to scare him completely and somehow didn't feel she had a right to speak like that when they weren't together in this reality, hadn't been for a long time. He was waiting for more.
"I got so freaked out, scared. Then Ashley came in jumping up and down on the bed and shouting that it was Christmas." I couldn't help smiling at that and I knew Angel was watching me closely but I couldn't help it. They felt like my children; my babies and I missed them. "You went to get the baby who was crying and at that point I knew I wasn't still dreaming. I was so freaked that I up and ran out and took the car. I realised it was Sunnydale and that I couldn't talk to anyone because it wasn't my world and they'd all think I was nuts. And then I met these two…people, beings, I'm not even sure, the ones I'd dreamt about the night before."
"People that you dreamt about before?" He looked confused, who could blame him.
"Yeah, I had this dream vision the night before that, big white light and those two and someone said "Prepare yourself" but I didn't pay attention, it's been a long time since I had prophetic dreams. And I guess it was all for the same thing. I'm sure those Oracles thought it was very funny to watch me struggle with it and then pull me away when I was happy."
Angel's expression had changed now; he was staring at her, looking very odd with an expression very close to shock.
"The oracles?" He asked hesitantly, stilling completely, sounding puzzled, that air of shock danced across his darkened features.
"Yeah, oh yeah, that's who they were. I knew I knew them from somewhere, though I'm still not sure how I knew…I still can't remember." It was incredibly annoying to know you should know something, it was almost as if the memories were missing.
"They're dead." He stated simply looking at her strangely, his eyes betraying sadness, telling her there was likely to be a long and guilt-ridden story behind their demise.
"They didn't look exactly alive, more like ghosts, which would explain that. They told me that what was happening was a glimpse, of what my life, our lives would have been like…if we'd taken a different path." Buffy finished more quietly and he nodded slowly, trying to disguise the bitterness that he clearly still felt.
"Okay, then what happened?"
"I went back to the house after a while. You couldn't understand why I'd missed Christmas but I was still in shock; you thought I was ill. And then, it was just us, living our lives; I got caught up in it and I was happy after a little while, I was really happy." She trailed off then, looking out of the window, for all intents considering the huge commercial airliners that graced the runways beyond, but her eyes unfocused, faraway.
"You sound almost surprised." She looked back at him, his question loaded with meaning; he could easily have been asking; you didn't think you could have been happy with me? She knew she had to be careful here, sighing a little,
"I guess it's just that, if I'm honest I haven't been amazingly happy post-slayer, you know, but, just being thrown into that world, I was expecting to have to get through it until they brought me back. I didn't expect to be so happy. I didn't think I'd be there very long. I was happy and normal and maybe more so because it was something I couldn't have, didn't think I'd ever have, not here, and cos it was worlds away from my real life. I guess it was the shock that makes it sound surprising. Not the happiness itself, that felt right." There was a brief silence and she stared into her coffee, there were all kinds of things that he could be about to say. That it was her fault she didn't have that here. When Buffy finally dared to look up his expression was softer, almost like he understood, and she was thankful that he didn't comment. He left it alone; for now.
"So, what did we do?" He asked then, interested, changing direction for both their sakes.
She almost wished she hadn't been so happy there. That way she wouldn't have got carried away and been content to almost forget that it wasn't forever.
"I taught martial arts at the sports centre, and you ran a gallery and that was the only place you had your own work until I got this place in LA to exhibit them and then others took a great interest, obviously. You were so pleased." Buffy couldn't help but get carried away. At this Angel smiled and she knew this was a truly genuine one. He was smiling along with her at the memory. It was a little strange to reminisce over memories with Angel because they hadn't really happened, it felt real enough though. "When Hope came and told me that it was almost over I…my heart broke, that was home, and I couldn't bear to think of not being there. A glimpse by definition…yeah, yeah, I knew they'd told me that, but it didn't make it any easier." Buffy waved her hands about in a maddened frustrated gesture before continuing. "I tried to say goodbye in a non-scary crazy lady way but…when I woke up in my apartment here I still couldn't believe it. Then I realised it was Christmas again and knew I had to find you."
"Hope?"
"Yeah, she gave me the other warning originally. I'm not telling this in the right order" She shook her head; it was all very jumbled and so messed up. She'd started with the best bit, though didn't say that. "The night before Christmas Eve I saved a girl from a mugger. I hadn't done anything like that in ages. A bit weird but good. The girl was called Hope, she told me I'd done a good thing, something about me being full of regret and that my pretence of a happy life wasn't fooling anyone. And that I'd have to remember that I brought it on myself. I guess she was another Oracle and was warning me. Well, she wasn't wrong, I did have it coming. But I didn't pay attention to her either. I thought she was a loon," He was quiet for a couple of minutes; deep in thought.
Buffy couldn't hold it in any longer, she took a breath.
"Do you think there's any chance, you can forgive me Angel? Do we have any chance here?" He sighed and looked away and she knew she'd have to prepare herself in case the answer was no.
"Buffy, the truth is, I probably wouldn't be here if you'd just come and tried to stop me getting on the plane because you wanted to try again. When you left it hurt me, I can't even describe how much, but I had to get over you and move on. It was hard Buffy, harder than all those battles, and of course I thought about you but to be honest I know I couldn't go through it again."
Buffy held her breath, a sudden pain in her head.
"What I'm trying to say, is that I'm just, I can't try again and then not have it come out right. Not with you."
She nodded, knowing a similar emotion. One of self-defence, resisting the urge to get close to anyone, too much pain when it goes wrong. She waited for more, though not sure she could bear to hear it.
"I'm here because of the way you talked about our lives, our kids. Your whole face was, you looked amazed, inspired, I've not seen you that way for so so long…I'm here because I can see that you're sure. I don't know what will happen, but I'm not worried about your doubts."
"What about yours?" She asked, almost afraid of his reply. If it meant that he couldn't give them another chance or that he didn't love her anymore, or that he couldn't fall in love with her again. How could she sit here and expect a solid decision? For him to say now?! A voice in her head screamed at her that she was being unreasonable, selfish, even arrogant but she couldn't resist wanting to hear it; whatever it was. At least this way she'd know and couldn't say she hadn't tried.
"I still have them, of course I do, I can't just rid myself of them Buffy, we've both been through too much, still got issues…but I'd be interested… in seeing if we can get past them." Buffy smiled tentatively, though she wanted to jump up, the stress pain in her head lessening a little. He smiled a little too and they both drank some more of their rapidly cooling coffee.
"There's a chance," He told her a second later, and then he stopped, thinking, a guarded and slightly panicked expression crossing his face, "That is…unless you're married or…" I almost laughed out loud at that and had to stop his train of thought before it got out of hand.
"No! No, no no, no, I'm not, of course I'm not. There's no way I could be…I only wanted. But just checking, do you have a girlfriend or…a wife?" She asked with horror at her sudden thought, nothing she had found on the internet had mentioned anything about a wife but some sites are so rarely updated! Why hadn't she given this possibility more attention? He looked at her half amused and as if there was something else lingering behind it, she prayed that it wasn't what she feared.
"Buffy," He started but she didn't let him speak, he looked serious and she was too afraid that he might have someone and be happy and that she too was moving to Paris. But then, he'd said there was a chance for them, that if I wasn't married…. Unfortunately, her mouth ploughed on regardless of any reasoning, one step ahead of her more logical thought.
"Angel, it's just, I just, well I came here because I couldn't let you get on that plane tonight if there was even the smallest of small chances that we could still have something and if you have a girlfriend or a …wife, it's kind of a moot point and I might as well stop making a huge fool of myself and shut up." He was still looking at her in that way and she knew she shouldn't have interrupted him. This time when he opened his mouth to speak she managed to let him. Stupid Buffy, way to go!
"Buffy, I don't have a girlfriend." She looked at him in no small worry,
"Do you have a…"
"I'm not married either." She sighed, full of relief and he laughed quietly at her. "I'm sorry; it's nice to know I can still have such an effect."
"You like that you should see… other things." Buffy grinned at him wickedly, not able to hold back the cheekiness she had around him, and he returned it. After a second she spoke again, she couldn't hold the other thing in any longer. "I'm sorry Angel." He was nice enough to ask her what for but they both knew she had to talk about it, had to explain. Only then could they hope to get past it. "I wasn't myself you know. We'd had this terrible prophesied battle and somehow won but all I could see and hear and smell was pain and suffering and death, blood on my hands and I blamed myself for not saving everyone."
She looked down holding her forehead in her fingers as that terrible vividness seared through her mind.
"Buffy, that's, well I don't want to use the word crazy but... You saved the world, we saved the world. There was never a time when we could guarantee everyone'd survival. If we hadn't fought, everyone would have died and though the deaths were mourned, and the loss awful they were not your fault."
"I have more clarity now, like I said I wasn't myself, a bit crazed from all that horror, who wouldn't be messed up?! And because I blamed myself I didn't feel I deserved to be happy. So I walked away. I'm so sorry." She looked down at her cup, ashamed and feeling broken once more. He leant across the table and lifted her chin until their eyes met. His gorgeous chocolate orbs that had always made Buffy feel that little bit weaker, weaker and wanted.
"I know love." Her heart leapt at his response. 'Love' he called her his love. "It wasn't your fault you know, not completely. I let you go and I shouldn't have, I knew there were probably issues, I should have got you to talk to me; I gave up too easily and…I'm sorry for that."
"I definitely don't blame you Angel, I blame me. I locked it all away and it took this to get through to me." He smiled and took her hands in his; Buffy felt that long-absent jolt of electricity run through her and smiled back, eyes wide with wonder. It was such a simple action, yet her heart hammered away. They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes; both minds busy processing what had just happened and what might be happening.
It was Angel who finally broke the quiet spell that had settled between them.
"Are you happy?" He asked, that was no small bridge to cross and she sighed.
"Do you mean happy now or was I happy before…I had the glimpse?"
"Both?" He cautiously requested. It was time to get used to this honesty thing, Buffy knew she'd never felt particularly comfortable sharing her feelings, of course most girls don't have feelings that are all irrevocably linked with battling literal demons. It was going to sound miserable to admit you've been pretending for a long time.
"I thought I was happy before, or I did a very good job of convincing everyone including myself that I was happy. I persuaded myself and the rest of the world. Though I think I did a better job fooling myself than I did other people. Well, some people. I run a martial arts centre and I love it, particularly the teaching, but other than that and a couple of fair-weather friends, I don't have much else in my life. It's my fault I haven't seen the scoobies much. I kept them at a distance too. It's hard to watch other people being so happy when you have so little of it. I know it's selfish to be jealous of them, and all I wanted for them was to be happy after all they'd been through. Whatever all that was it wasn't happiness."
"What about now?" He asked quietly.
"Now, everything's all over the place confusing, I know what I want but I don't know if it will work out the way I hope…." When he continued to look at her like that she knew she had to say the rest of it. A small smile was playing at the edges of his mouth; she was clinging to this hope.
"Angel, they showed me the happiness I was missing. They showed me what I could have and when I lost it, I knew I couldn't go on in the same way. I'm totally detached from the world, sure I work in it, but I don't live, I just exist. I know that I need more now, I can't go on without having it." He was going to be in trouble when he realised just how encouraging she was finding his smiling right now. "I haven't scared you?"
"No, you've surprised me, but I like surprises if this is what they include. Buffy, what else is there?"
"It's just, talking about them, us…" She found it difficult to continue, but when Angel changed seats to sit next to her and took her in his arms for the first time in eight years she found the strength to speak through all the pain that had suddenly washed over her again. "When I came back, it's almost as if, I mean I lost them and it feels…like they died; like you died." At this point she couldn't hold back the tears. Angel held her while she sobbed herself out. She didn't care about where they were; all that mattered was that she was in Angel's arms and was being honest with him and herself for the first time in a long time.