Category: Alternate Universe/Out of Character/Extremely Over The Top
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author-mama4dukes. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
This story was originally published by mama4dukes on Tricky Raven on December 12, 2015.
The Rabbit Meets the Magic Stick
The Labor Day cookout at the Lahote residence was a huge blowout, to which a good deal of the residents of Forks and La Push turned out. It was weird for Paul to be actually ignored by Jared. In fact, whenever he would try to talk to him, his former best friend would tell him to take a hike. It was even worse when it came to Bella. Quil, Jared, and Seth spent their time hovering over her. No male was apparently allowed near her without their consent. Of course, after Bella tattled to Aunt Molly about her overprotective cousin and his goons, they left her alone, but they scowled at Paul whenever they caught him talking to her.
After that fiasco, Bella and Paul took turns sneaking actual meat products for Jake to eat because the poor kid was going to end up becoming the first vegan wolf in the history of wolves.
"At least when we were poor, we got to have actual beef and poultry. Hell, I'll even have venison everyday. This veganism sucks balls!" Jacob complained.
"Don't worry, Jakey! I'll make sure you get real food in you one way or another," Bella assured.
"I've got your back, too, buddy," Paul agreed.
Paul got to meet his Grandma Paulette, his Grandpa Phil, and his Aunt Emily, too. His Aunty Em was indeed Emily Young without a wolf-inflicted scar, and way prettier than she used to be because she had the same eyes as he did. His Grandma Paulette hugged both Quil and him over and over again. She kept pinching their cheeks, too.
"Why us?" Quil groaned to him.
"We're the apples of her eye," Paul replied.
"Oh, crap. Here comes Aunty Em with more of her muffins."
"You'd better smile and make like you appreciate it."
"You're such an ass-kisser, cuz! At least my other cousin isn't as fake as you are."
"I am not fake!" Paul protested.
"Stop arguing now, boys!" Aunt Emily chastised as she approached them. "Quil, you need to be more welcoming to Paul. He just arrived in Forks and doesn't know anyone. Why don't you introduce him to some of your friends."
"Because Paul is an arrogant prick!"
"Paul is a sweetheart! It would behoove you to act more like him."
"Why are you always coming down on me?"
"If the shoe fits!" Bella snickered from the side.
Paul grinned at Quil.
"Where the hell did you come from, Bells? You're a little smart aleck, do you know that?" Quil picked Bella up and tossed her into the swimming pool, and then dove in right after her.
After that, all of the teens spent their time splashing around in the pool. All in all, it was a pretty good party.
Paul also spent part of Labor Day practicing his driving with his very patient grandfather. By the end of the day, he felt like he got the hang of it—at least enough so that when Tuesday morning rolled around, he was able to drive himself to school at five miles per hour under speed limit.
He caught up with Bella in the main office retrieving her schedule.
"Good Morning, Miss Adams," Paul greeted the school secretary, remembering her from 1987.
"Miss Adams? Oh…I haven't been Miss Adams since December 31, 1987! I'm tickled that you thought I was a Miss, though."
"Oh, uh, my dad told me that your name was Miss Adams."
"You must be Superintendent Lahote's grandson. I'm Shelly Cope—Mrs. Cope. I remember your father when he was in high school. Have you met Bella Swan yet? Your father and her father were best friends when they were in school together. Oh, such little rascals," she recalled fondly. "Now, here are your schedules and your locker assignments. I put the two of you next to each other. I thought you might become friends."
"Thank you, ma'am."
"Oh, you look so cute together!" she gushed as they left the office. "I have a feeling about you two."
The couple walked to class together. They ran into Jacob in the hallway. He quickly matched his stride with them. "I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Everyone has been staring at me like I'm some sort of freak and Quil told me to take a hike."
"Well, you are supposedly a tree hugging activist," Bella reminded him.
"We'll get through this, buddy," Paul assured him as they entered their first class.
At midday, the three friends went to lunch together. Lauren Mallory immediately sat next to Jacob and brought Jessica Stanley, Angela Weber, Brittany Uley, Eric Yorkie, Ben Cheney, Tyler Crowley, and Mike Newton with her—essentially, it was her old crew with the notable addition of Brittany.
Bella couldn't get over how different Mike Newton looked now that his mother was Tiffany Call. Gone were the blonde locks and the blue eyes. He had dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and was a bit taller than the previous version. It was so weird to see. He was still the same nice kid, though.
"So, you're really different from how I pictured you," Jessica Stanley snipped, eyeing Bella critically. "I thought you'd be all decked out like in the ads."
"Yeah, you know. The ones for BellaPop."
"Speaking of which, can you autograph this?" Eric Yorkie produced a copy of an advertisement with a totally dolled up Bella smiling cheerfully at the camera, holding an eyeshadow palette open.
Bella's eyes widened upon seeing it. So did Paul's and Jake's. The grandparents seemed to have omitted the little tidbit that Bella was in print ads.
"Hey, what the hell did I tell you about bugging my cousin for autographs, Yorkie?" Quil asked. Jared Cameron and Seth Clearwater flanked his sides.
"You…you… told me not to," the boy replied, shivering.
"Or you'll make me eat my lunch off of the floor."
"That's right. Leave her alone and let her go to school in peace! I mean it! Bella, come with us."
"Because I want to introduce you to some of my friends." Quil put emphasis on the word 'my' as if he had better friends.
"No, I've already met your friends. One of them wanted to 'Netflix and Chill' with me after meeting me for a minute. That's pretty creepy if you ask me."
"What?" Paul snapped, stood up, and glared at Quil. "You were supposed to watch over her!"
"Why the heck are you so protective of my cousin for? You don't even know her. Besides, I got her out of there, didn't I?"
Seth jumped into the conversation with, "Bella, come on. You're hanging out with Lahote, who is nothing but an arrogant prick. And then there's Black here, who drives a glittery red car. Who paints his car a glittery red? His car is the same color as Dorothy's shoes in the Wizard of Oz!"
"Were those statements really necessary, Seth? Have you taken the time to get to know Paul? And are you seriously saying that the color of someone's car makes him an unsuitable friend? I've known Jake my entire life. We used to make mudpies together."
"Bella, you don't understand. Jacob Black is weird. He has an issue with everything. And I mean everything! He's always standing out in front of the school holding up signs protesting stuff. Last year, he chained himself to the cafeteria lunch table, demanding that the school stop serving meat. You really don't want to be associated with Black." Jared informed her. "As for Lahote, he's just being smooth so he can hook-up with you."
"So, maybe Jake is just passionate about his beliefs. I'm not going to judge him as long as he doesn't try to change me. Also, I happen to think Paul is sweet."
"Trust me, he's not sweet. I've known him my whole life and he's nothing but an arrogant bastard," Quil insisted. "He really doesn't care about anyone, but himself. I've talked to you about him in the past."
"I'm sorry, cuz. I'm doing my best to change" Paul replied, clearly perplexing Quil. Paul thought he'd better start correcting the wrongs made by Placeholder Paul.
Quil slapped his palm on his forehead, "Dude, don't do this shit, okay? You freak me out when you're all polite."
"There! He apologized. Now will you let things be?" Bella asked.
Quil realized he was making a scene and said, "Fine, we'll talk about this later in the car when I drive you home," before he walked away with Jared and Seth following in his wake.
"Hey, you're really different from how we imagined you'd be. We thought you'd want to hang out with the cool kids because you're famous and all," Angela Weber turned to Paul. "You as well. We were told that you were arrogant because you're from Medina and your family is super rich, but you're pretty down to earth."
"You guys aren't the cool kids?" Paul asked
"No, we're the nerdy ones."
"So, what? Nerdy is cool these days."
The entire table broke out into laughter, and Paul knew that he had made a good impression on them. He also made a mental note to find out the name of the kid who tried to 'Netflix and Chill' with Bella so he could threaten him to within an inch of his life.
He was jostled out of his thoughts when Mike Newton asked, "So, Paul, I heard you're joining the baseball team. We could use some new blood. A few of us get together and hit the batting cages so we don't get rusty during the off-season. You're welcome to join us."
Baseball? The last time Paul played baseball, he was eight years old. He was in trouble.
"Sure, sure," he heard Jacob replying. "I was going to try out for the team myself. My parents said I had to do at least one sport this year."
"Wait a second, I thought you decided on the wrestling team. You said you were going to wrestle at the Swan's party," Tyler reminded Jake, and then turned to Paul, "You're going to wrestle, too, right? At least that's what your mom said. We could really use you, man."
"Nah, his parents said he does both," Mike informed him.
"Oh, okay. They are in different seasons. Anyway, we hit the school gym and keep up with the conditioning during off-season, but you look like you're in pretty decent shape already. You'll join us at the gym, right?"
Wrestling didn't seem hard at all. He had watched WWF before. All he had to do was throw guys around and stomp on them a couple of times. Paul was pretty confident he could do that so he enthusiastically replied, "Definitely."
The kids found themselves with a few minutes of time alone after lunch. "Alright, Paul, tell me honestly, do you know how to wrestle?" Bella asked.
"Sure, I've seen the WWF. I can do that."
"Yep, so can I." Jake nodded his head. "Paul, maybe they'll let us tag team!"
"Hell, yeah!" Jake and Paul high-fived each other.
"It's not like that at all. The WWF is show wrestling. Real wrestling is technical and complex. There are rules you need to follow."
"Is it like that Rhonda Rousey stuff?" Paul asked. "Because I think I can do that, too"
"No! You can't break arms. My ex-boyfriend Nick used to wrestle. My old… Stop growling, Paul!"
"I don't like the idea of you with Nick!"
"Oh, geez! Stop being ridiculous!" Bella rolled her eyes. "What I was going to say is that my old high school's team used to post videos of the wrestling matches on YouTube. You can find those and figure it out. You guys are going to have to practice together. It's a tough sport, and I mean both mentally and physically." She paused for a second before asking, "And what about baseball? Do you play baseball?"
"Nope, not since I was eight, but I figured that Jake can practice with me since he's joining the team."
"I don't know anything about baseball either. I've seen the Mariners play tons of times so I know the rules, but I've never actually played," Jake said.
"Well, then why did you say you were joining the team?"
"I didn't want you to be alone, buddy."
"Thanks, man." It felt good for him to have a friend. Jake really had his back and it truly meant the world to Paul.
"Okay, we're definitely going to have to talk to the grandparents. You two are up the creek if you don't know anything about either of the sports. I mean your cover could be blown," Bella said. Speaking of which, she had one day left to practice her cheerleading skills. Her muscles were sore from practicing all last night.
"Uh, yeah, they definitely left things out. For God's sake, you're the BellaPop girl! You're famous!" Paul noted.
"Oh, yeah. That was scary. I don't even like taking selfies."
When the bell rang, they made their way over to their next class, which happened to be chemistry. The teacher informed them that they had assigned seating with their lab partners for the year. Lo and behold, Bella was seated next to Edward Cullen.
He immediately flinched and covered his nose as if he was in pain. His body stiffened and he pushed his chair away from her. Bella recalled this whole scene from her other life, only they were in biology class at the time.
Paul watched, concerned about his imprint, from two tables over. He had the extremely annoying Jessica Stanley as a lab partner. He briefly wondered if he would get in trouble if he taped her mouth shut with duct tape.
"Are you okay, dude?" Bella asked Edward, who was unable to respond. He made a small whimpering noise followed by a gagging sound. "Are you having an asthma attack or something?"
This time he pinched his nose and closed his eyes. He put his hand to his throat, making an annoying choking sound.
An idea popped into her head, she raised her hand, "Yes, Miss Swan?" the teacher asked.
"May I have a new lab partner? This guy keeps bullying me. Look at him. He's making weird gagging noises at me on purpose. How immature can he be?" And just for added effect, she added, "Ew! Now, he's gurgling. He's making me feel extremely uncomfortable."
Edward Cullen's eyes widened in shock. He clearly had never been accused of any sort of infraction in school. Bella, meanwhile, was thinking that she had a distinct advantage because the vampire couldn't read her mind.
"Mr. Edward Cullen, are we going to have any further distractions in class or am I going to have to issue a hall pass for you to speak with the principal?"
"No, sir," the vampire choked out, and then sat with a pinched expression on his face.
"Excellent, let's begin. Welcome to Honor's Chemistry. I am Mr. Bunsen. The first thing I'd like to do is go over lab safety rules…ISABELLA SWAN!"
The entire class turned to Bella who had turned on her Bunsen burner. She was holding the flame up in front of a terrified Edward Cullen's nose and saying, "Isn't this cool, Eddie? I think we get to cook stuff in this class!"
Mr. Bunsen approached the table. "Miss Swan, please turn the Bunsen burner off. We are about to go over lab safety rules, and what you're doing is definitely not safe!"
Bella hunched her shoulders forward and pouted. She looked up at the chemistry teacher through her long eyelashes and whispered, "I'm sorry, Mr. Bunsen. I had no idea. I guess I just got so excited when I saw all of the lab equipment."
"Had you been listening, you would not have turned the Bunsen burner on."
"Oh my God! Are you related to the inventor of the Bunsen burner?"
"Oh, well…" Mr. Bunsen stuttered and smiled. "I'm afraid not; however, I'm flattered that you thought that. No, no, we just happen to share the same last night."
"I think it's kind of cool that you're a chemistry teacher and you share a last name with Mr. Robert Bunsen. I'll just turn this off then. I'm ever so sorry to have disturbed your class, sir. It won't happen again." She batted her eyelashes at him for extra effect and smiled.
"Well, as long as it doesn't happen again." The chemistry teacher seemed to have forgotten that Bella had deliberately eschewed lab protocol. The class progressed normally until the bell rang.
Paul pulled his imprint into a supply closet. "What the hell was that about? You can't light up Cullen in front of the chemistry class."
"I was just threatening him."
"Damn it, I love you." He kissed her soundly on the lips and pulled her flush up against him. Suddenly, the closet door opened. They looked up to see Alice Cullen staring at them with her eyes wide and her mouth open in shock.
"How are you doing, sweetheart?" Paul asked her, and then winked.
The seer squeaked and cried, "But…but…I didn't see this…I swear, I didn't see…"
"I appreciate you not reporting what you just saw to the admin. You know how they get? Thanks, hon." Paul closed the door on Alice, and went back to kissing Bella.
He heard her muttering to herself, "Something is wrong. I can't see her. She was meant to be his. Oh, no. Oh, no. What am I going to do? She's disappeared."He heard footsteps and her screaming, "Jazzy! Jazzy!"
The final class of the day was English. Bella recalled how much she enjoyed her English class with Paul's grandmother in 1987. Glenda Lahote was a phenomenal teacher. Unfortunately, she was now one of the CEO's at Swan Pro Beauty Products so she wouldn't be teaching this class.
She looked around the class to see who else, other than Paul and Jacob, was in the class. Edward, Alice and Jasper were all enrolled in the class, as were Tyler Crowley and Mike Newton. Jessica Stanley, Lauren Mallory, and Brittany Uley were also in the class.
Jacob made his way immediately to Lauren and sat next to her while Bella and Paul found seats next to each other. Unfortunately, Edward Cullen decided to sit on her other side and Alice Cullen in front of her.
"Hi, I'm Alice," she greeted, turning around to face Bella and Paul.
Bella really wasn't in the mood to become friends with her so she deliberately ignored her and turned to Paul. "So, should we hang out after school today?"
"Of course. What do you…"
"Um, I couldn't help, but overhear that you're going to hang out after school today. My brother and I would love to join you."
Paul turned to the pixie. "You're not invited, sweetheart. It's a private party." He winked at her.
"Oh, but we know the two of you are new, and we want to welcome you to town. I'm Alice and this is my brother Edward. We're the Cullens. Our father is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He works in the emergency department over at the hospital."
"What does your father do?" she asked Paul. "Is he a fisherman like most Quileutes are?"
"His father is the head of the Emergency Department at Forks Hospital, making him your father's boss," Bella informed the little elitist bitch. "You should do your research before making assumptions."
Alice put her fingers to her temples and started blinking her eyes. "I didn't see …I didn't know that."
Bella looked to her right. Edward was giving her his trademark grin that used to make her melt. She shook her head and rolled her eyes at him.
"Hello, class! I'm sorry I was a bit delayed. I had to run down to the office. Welcome to the world of literary classics. I am Mrs. Mallory."
Bella and Paul turned to Jacob who was running his hand through his hair in distress. He kept looking between Linda and Lauren with a horrified expression on his face.
"I think he's developing a sort of Oedipal complex," Paul whispered in Bella's ear.
"Jacob Black, may I ask for your assistance, please."
"Sure, Linda." Jacob slapped his forehead. "I mean, Mrs. Mallory."
"Please distribute one book to each student."
"Okay, so we are going to begin the school year with a bang. We will be reading and dissecting Oedipus Rex by Sophocles."
And with that, Bella and Paul both burst out laughing, while Jacob gulped in horror.
"Isabella Swan and Paul Lahote! You may share whatever you were talking about with the entire class, especially since it was so funny."
Neither of the kids had a response. It was bad enough that they knew with whom, where, and even when their English teacher had lost her virginity, but even worse that the boy she lost her virginity to had imprinted on her daughter.
"Well? What was so funny that you had to interrupt the class?"
"We…we were discussing a joke that we heard this weekend," Paul replied.
"And? What was the joke?"
"Kindly refrain from personal conversations during class."
"Yes, ma'am," they both replied.
"Well, let's get back to class, shall we? Ooh, it's quite warm in here. Let me turn the fan on."
As soon as Mrs. Mallory switched on the fan, Bella's scent wafted towards Edward Cullen who covered his nose and mouth with his hand and started choking.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Mallory," Bella called.
"I think Eddie is going to throw up. He was ill earlier in chemistry class, too."
"Edward, are you okay?" Mrs. Mallory asked.
"I'm fine," he choked out. "Just a little dizzy."
"Okay, but if you need to go to the nurse, just let me know."
As soon as the class ended, Edward opened the window, stuck his head out, and breathed in the fresh air. Bella simply smirked as she made her way out of the class to the parking lot with Paul.
"So, we'll meet at your house?" Paul asked.
"Yep, are you sure you'll be okay driving home?"
"God, I hope so. Worse comes to worse, I'll have Jake drive me home."
"Okay, I'm gonna go and meet Quil."
"I'm right here, Bella." Quil was walking behind them. "Are you still hanging out with Paul, Bella? What part of 'he's an arrogant bastard' do you not get?"
"He is not arrogant."
"I'm trying not to be, cuz," Paul told Quil.
"Stop it! I swear to God. You've been nice all day, which is a first in my entire life. You're making my head spin!"
"Ah-ha! So you admit he's nice."
"Bella, stay out of this."
While the three of them were chatting, Edward Cullen approached Bella with Alice by his side.
"What do you want Cullen?" Quil asked.
"Oh, I'm here to talk to Bella."
"What the hell could you possibly have to talk to my cousin about?"
"Cousin? How could that be? She's white and you're…"
"He's what?" Bella asked, incensed.
"Oh…uh…it's just that you look so different from each other."
"I'm sure that's what you meant," Bella replied with sarcasm and huffed. "What do you want?"
"Um, well, my sister and I wanted to invite you to our house to uh…" Edward looked to Alice who nodded encouragingly to him.
"To what?" Paul asked.
"To 'Netflix and Chill' with us," Edward replied with a regal air.
"What the hell?" Quil snapped angrily, flexing his muscles, getting ready to hit him. Meanwhile, Paul simply planted an uppercut under the vampire's chin. The force behind it was so strong that it knocked the overgrown mosquito flat on his back onto the parking lot pavement.
Stunned by the power behind Paul's punch, Edward sat up looking dazed while Alice went to his aid.
"Don't fuck with my family, Cullen!" Quil yelled while the rest of the Cullen clan rushed to check on Eddie.
A few minutes after Quil dropped Bella off at home. Paul showed up about ten minutes later. Neither of her parents were at home because they were still at work so they took advantage and spent some time making out. They were newly imprinted, after all. Asking them to keep their hands off of each other was like asking the impossible.
Around four pm, they quickly drew apart, when they heard the front door open and Renee calling, "Bella, I'm home! How was your first day at school?"
"Um, it was great," she yelled from up in her room while Paul opened the window and jumped out.
Renee walked into her room and noted the rumpled sheets. "Were you taking a nap, honey?"
"Just a short one so I could perk up a bit. It's really tough starting at a new school."
"I know, honey. You are so brave starting at a new school halfway through your high school career."
"How was your first day, Mom?"
"The children were delightful. They all are when they're in the second grade. It's when they become your age that they become a challenge."
The doorbell rang at that moment, Bella and her mother both went down to see who it was. It turned out to be Paul, but this time he had his backpack with him.
"Hello, Mrs. Swan. I was just wondering if Bella wanted to do homework with me. We're in all the same classes."
"Oh, what a great idea. Why don't the two of you sit at the dining table and work there?"
Bella and Paul soon discovered that the Swan house was like Grand Central Station. Everyone, including Paul's mother, stopped by to chat with Renee. Paul's Aunt Jasmine, who was Bella's aunt as well, also popped in to talk to Renee about Quil's Sunday night drinking incident.
"I was so upset with him, Renee. I'm glad you kept him overnight. I would have clubbed him over his head with the frying pan."
"Wait? What happened to Quil?" Paul asked because this was the first time he was hearing about this.
"He went to a party at the Bertys, got drunk, and actually got behind the wheel of his car to drop Bella and Brittany off."
"I'm going to kill him! He put Bella's life in danger."
"Sit down, you hothead!" Gloria warned. "And don't act as if you haven't been in the same situation before. I remember having to pick you up at the Thompson's just this March because you and your friends decided to get drunk. You'd better thank the heavens that Mr. and Mrs. Thompson came home when they did, otherwise, you would have been arrested, or even worse—dead! Now is the time to be supportive of your cousin. Is that understood?"
"Yes, Mom," Paul replied, chagrined. He was also kind of upset that Placeholder Paul had been so irresponsible. He'd never even had a drop of liquor before in his life.
"And Bella, I still haven't forgotten about your consequences for getting into the car with your cousin. Dad and I have decided that you will be dusting the house from top to bottom and mopping all the floors," her mother told her. "We were going to make you do the windows, but we don't want you on a ladder. You could get hurt."
That was a punishment? In her previous life, this was all run of the mill stuff because if she didn't do it, no one else would. "Sure, Mom. No problem," Bella replied.
"Is she okay, Renee?" Her Aunt Jasmine put her hand on Bella's forehead to feel for a temperature. "She didn't protest about her punishment."
"Yes, I know, Charlie and I thought our heads were going to spin off when we told her there would be consequences for her irresponsible behavior on Sunday night and she didn't argue."
Bella simply shrugged her shoulders and went back to working on homework with Paul while the mothers moved on to discuss different topics. Eventually, it was time for everyone to head home for dinner. Paul wanted to kiss Bella goodbye, but it was too soon to do that in front of the moms so they simply parted with, "See you tomorrow."