Pairing: Paul/Bella

Genre: Romance/Family/Comedy

Category: Alternate Universe/Out of Character/Extremely Over The Top

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author-mama4dukes. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story was originally published by mama4dukes on Tricky Raven on December 12, 2015.

The Rabbit Meets the Magic Stick

by mama4dukes

The threesome walked.

And walked.

And walked.

And walked for hours before realizing they were getting nowhere. Paul looked around the forest desperately. He wanted to phase so he could run to the reservation and get help, but he couldn't leave Jacob and Bella alone in the forest. That would be irresponsible. He cursed at himself. Since when did he become responsible? He knew the answer, too. It was when two innocent humans placed their lives in his hands.

They walked for a half an hour more before coming to a familiar house in the middle of the forest. All three of them stared at the Cullen's abandoned house.

Paul was the first to speak up. "Can a house fall into this much disrepair after only six months?"

"Yeah, no kidding," Bella agreed. There were overgrown weeds, the paint was peeling off of the siding, and the house looked dilapidated—not at all like the pristine home that Esme Cullen kept. "Well, I know for a fact that the family isn't coming back. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we went in. I really need to sit down."

"I'm not so sure if breaking and entering is such a good idea," Paul said. He was also worried about the almost unbearable vampire stench, which he was sure to encounter in the house.

"Oh, don't worry. I know a way in." Bella led the weary group to the back of the house. She pointed to a gigantic boulder resting against the clapboard siding by the back door. "We're going to have to move this rock. It'll probably take all three of us to do it." While the Cullens could easily move the boulder, there was no way that any normal human being—no matter how strong he was—could.

Jake tried moving it, but couldn't even budge it. It wasn't until Paul stepped in to help that they were able to move the boulder aside. Bella opened up a hidden panel by the back door and reached for a set of keys. "Bingo!" she cried excitedly. "Gee, these look a little old." She took one of the keys and tried it in the back door lock. It clicked open. "Well, come on. Let's go inside."

The crew of three walked into the home. "Gee whiz, I never knew the Cullens were so old fashioned," Jake commented. "This stuff is older than the stuff at Old Quil's house."

Meanwhile, Bella and Paul were standing stock still with their mouths hanging open.

"Um, this looks different. Very different," Bella commented. She scratched her head and walked through the house with Paul and Jake following close behind. The house looked like a museum—a very vintage museum.

Paul pointed to a painting. I recognize Carlisle Cullen, but who are the rest of these guys and why are they wearing tights?

"Um…I think I was told they were like vamp…uh…European royalty from the 1700's."

"Vampire royalty? Are you serious?" Paul questioned. "So, you're telling me that these yobos are still alive?"

"I didn't say vampire. I said European." Bella quickly corrected her mistake. She couldn't believe that she almost gave the Cullen's secret away.

"Bullshit. You were going to say vampire."

"Yeah, I heard it, too, Bells. You said vamp then switched to European," Jacob agreed.

"Oh, God, help," she pleaded and then switched to, "Oh, Taha Aki, help."

"Alright, I'll make a deal with you, Bella Swan. You tell me about the Cullens and I'll tell you about Taha Aki. It'll be our secret. Jacob Black, you just sit your ass down and listen."

"Deal," Bella agreed, "but you tell me about Taha Aki first."

Jake and Bella sat on the sofa while Paul planted himself on an upholstered chair. A cloud of dust sprang up from the furniture as soon as they sat. The three kids started coughing.

"Oh, gross!" Jake cried. "This is like Old Quil's house!"

Paul began his story. "The legend about the Quileute being wolves is true. All of it. Except Taha Aki wasn't a god, he was the original wolf. Jake's great-grandfather, Ephraim Black, made a treaty with the Cullens when they first moved to Forks in 1936. If the Cullens hunted within the boundaries of Forks and didn't drain any humans, the wolves wouldn't dismantle them. In return, the Cullens would keep our secret."

"How come you know this and I don't? I'm the Chief's son," Jake pointed out.

"Right. Follow me. That's far enough," he told Jake and Bella when they got to the doorway. Stand right there. Paul went a bit further outside before he concentrated and phased into his wolf form.

"Holy crap!" Jake screamed. "Bells, Bells, did you see that? Paul turned into a wolf."

Bella's reaction was completely calm. She walked up to Paul and stroked his fur before giving him a big hug. Paul, who was completely surprised by her reaction, nuzzled his nose in her hair. That's when he realized that the girl smelled incredibly wonderful. It was almost as if she was a walking bouquet of fresh cut flowers on a bright spring day. He moved away from her and returned to human form. He grinned at Bella, then turned his attention towards Jacob, who was stunned and in shock.

"You're a wolf," Bellanoted.

"Clearly. I changed because the Cullens moved back to Forks. So did Sam Uley, Jared Cameron, and Embry Call. Vampires activate a gene in certain members of the Quileute tribe—we were the first four to change. Now, maybe you can tell us about the Cullens because I know you dated that Edward guy, who was a known vampire."

"It's true. I dated a vampire."

"You've got to be joking, right, Bells?" Jacob asked. "Why would you date a freaky vampire?"

"The Cullens were vampires—all of them. I don't know why I dated Edward when I think about it now. I suppose it was because he acted like he cared, but in reality, he was just bossing me around and trying to change my personality to his standards. I know that now."

"You know something? That's all in the past," Paul said. "I want to know about this royalty business."

"Oh, sure. They're called the Volturi. Apparently, they rule the vampire world. They live in a place called Volterra in Italy. Carlisle Cullen used to live with them, but he couldn't handle how inhumane they were so he left them."

"What do you mean by inhumane, Bella?" Jacob asked.

"Like most vampires, they feed off of humans."

"Humans? Did…did…did you let Edward eat you?"

"Eat me? No! Of course not! The Cullens were vegetarian vampires. They fed from animals."

"If they ate animals, wouldn't they be considered carnivores?"

"Gee, that's a really good point. I never thought about it that way. The animal activists would have a field day if they ever found out about the Cullens. Draining animals of their life blood is pretty inhumane when you think about it."

"Alright, enough about the Cullens! We need to find out what the hell is going on because this house isn't normal!" Paul shouted. "I mean everything looks so old!"

"Yeah, you're right, it's not the same house. I'm going to see if the upstairs looks different, too." Bella walked upstairs with Jacob and Paul trailing close behind. She opened each bedroom door and realized that the entire house seemed to have gone through some sort of retro makeover.

"The whole house is screwed up. There are no beds," Paul pointed out.

"Obviously. They don't sleep."

"Yeah, but don't they…uh…they…you know?"

"No, I don't know. Don't they what?"

"Don't they have sex?"

Bella put a finger under her chin and started thinking. Did the Cullens have sex? She wasn't quite sure. Edward always felt that sex was an inappropriate subject for innocent ears so they never really broached the subject. "I'm not sure," she replied. I think Rosalie and Emmett have sex, but I think they said they do it in the forest away from prying ears."

"Kinky. So here's my next question: Do the rooms upstairs look different to you?"

"Yeah, they do. Oh my God, they do. The entire house looks like it went back in time to the olden days. And you know what else?"

"What?"

"Jasper and Alice's room is being used as some sort of an elaborate sewing room. How weird? Um, maybe we should get out of here. Something definitely isn't right."

The threesome quickly left the house and locked it up, replacing the key back in the hidden panel and the boulder back to its original location.

"I'm going to phase. That means turn into a wolf," Paul explained. "I want you both to climb onto my back afterwards. I'm going to run us back to the reservation. It'll be faster that way."

"Of course, you'd have to be super-fast to catch vampires," Bella breathed with admiration in her eyes.

"Exactly." Once in his wolf form, Paul got down on his haunches so Bella and Jacob could climb onto his back. As soon as he was sure that they were hanging on as tight as possible, he started running. He didn't run as fast as he was capable of out of fear that his two charges would fall off. He stopped as soon as he got to the woods behind Sam's house. He returned to his human form once his passengers climbed down. "We should walk from here."

"Why are we behind Sam Uley's house?" Jake asked.

"Because he can help us."

"How the heck is Sam Uley going to help us?"

"He's the current alpha of the wolf pack. He has to help us."

As the trio approached the house, Paul did a double take. Emily's garden was gone—probably uprooted by the twister, and the house had a brand new paint job. The painters were really quick because it was only yesterday that Emily had been complaining to Sam about how the house hadn't been painted in at least twenty years. Paul walked in through the back door and called, "Sam, we're back. I have Jake and Bella with me. We're all okay."

"Who the hell are you?" a middle aged man dressed in business pants and a dress shirt asked. He had his arms folded in front of his chest and a scowl on his face. Paul thought he looked somewhat familiar, but he couldn't place him.

"Excuse me, we're looking for Sam Uley."

"Uley? It figures you're looking for them. They live four doors down in the gray house." The man eyed Paul up and down. "What happened to your clothes, boy?"

"I…I…lost them."

"Lost them? Who the hell loses his clothes? You need to put something on. We're a respectable tribe here. We don't hold with none of this teenaged, clothes shedding nonsense like you Makahs do."

"Makah? Excuse me? Who are you?"

Before the man could answer Paul's question, the front door swung open and a teenaged boy with a mullet walked inside holding a massive oversized boom box with Boy George's "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" blaring from it. Paul could identify the song because it was his father's favorite tune to croon whenever he was drunk.

"Adam Lahote, where the hell have you been? It's almost 6 pm! I told you I wanted you home right after school, boy! You're failing Spanish; you should be home studying! Your mom is searching the reservation high and low for you—now where were you? Were you chasing after that Gloria girl again? I told you I didn't want you to have anything to do with that family! Answer me, boy!"

Paul's eyes widened. He shoved Jake and Bella out of the house and ran into the woods with them. "What the hell is going on? That was my grandfather and my dad! Only my dad was my age!"

"Um, guys, did you see the TV in the house? It was old and huge! I think my grandmother had one like that and it had some weird, old show on it."

"It wasn't just the TV, Jake! It was everything! The clothes everyone was wearing, the appliances, the furniture. Oh my God! Have we traveled back in time or something?" Bella questioned, completely aghast.

"You know something else?"

"What?" Paul and Bella both turned their attention to Jacob.

"Four doors down is not the Uley house, it's the Clearwater house."

"Clearwater—as in your dad and my dad's fishing buddy Harry Clearwater—the master of the fish fry?" Bella questioned.

"The one and only."

"So why did that guy say it was the Uley house?"

The three teens sat on the forest floor in horror and shock as they let this new information sink into their brains. They had no idea what was going on, except that they were sure that something was wonky in the Olympic Peninsula.

"There's only one way to verify if we're in some sort of time warp. I am going to walk to the tribal store and check the date on a newspaper," Bella declared and stood up. She had a determined expression on her face.

"You aren't going there alone!"

"Yeah, Bella. I'm with Paul on this. You can't go there alone because if we're doing some sort of a weird Harry Potter time turner thing, we need to stick together—all three of us!"

"Paul can't exactly walk around naked with his dongle swaying in the wind, can he?"

"This is true. We need to find some clothes for you, Paul. You can't be walking around the reservation naked. You'll scare the bejesus out of everyone."

"And just where the hell am I supposed to find clothes for myself?" He turned to Bella. "Dongle? For real?"

"Well, I'm not going to call it the p-word or the d-word. I don't like those words."

"A dongle, though? Can't you think of another word?"

"I'll work on it."

"Fine, now where should I find clothes?"

"At the Cullen house, where else?" Jacob suggested.

"You want me to put on some bloodsucker's clothes?" Paul asked incredulously.

"Sure, why not?" he shrugged his shoulders and twirled Old Quil's stick in his hand.

"You can put Emmett's stuff on. He was really nice and, as an added bonus, he was buff like you," Bella told him.

"Guys, I need to enlighten you about one fact."

"What's that?"

"Bloodsuckers smell foul to us."

"Well, did the Cullen house smell foul to you?"

"Uh…not really. I think it's been vacant for a long time so any lingering smell has long since dissipated."

"Then I don't see why you can't just borrow their clothes," Jacob said. "This is no time to be stubborn."

"Hell no! I would rather steal clothes off of a clothesline."

"If it helps, Emmett always thought Edward was a prick," Bella said. "I agree with Jacob; we have to go back to the Cullen house. It's our only safe haven."

Paul suddenly noticed the stick that Jacob had been spinning. "Not our only safe haven. We have another option."

"Go ahead. What other option do we have?"

He took the stick from Jacob and grinned. "Old Quil."