49My Favourite Broken Heart
ATTENTION – TRIGGER WARNING. mainly earlier chapters... but still, emotional subjects ahead!
*Alas, I do not own SM ether...*
A/N: You are all so patient! Thank you so much!
Firstly, happy New Year everyone! May 2019 be a better year, and more productive!
Secondly, I had chunks written of how I wanted each event to proceed. So while writing the between fluff I realised just how much was left... I WAS going to cut this into two chapters (since it's 11k words this chapter! hahah). BUT I decided to just finish it and give you one big last chapter!
So I hope you enjoy it my pretties! And thank you again for staying with me through this short-ish story. ^-^
Chapter 6
Getting up was hard. Though that was probably a MASSIVE understatement. But I was used to being in zombie mode frequently. Many nights I struggled to sleep, so I knew I could fully function and go about my day without sleep. Sleep was overrated anyway! It was for the weak. That was my mantra to encourage myself to keep on moving about, and not to fall asleep in a heaped mess for someone else to find. Though, on second thoughts, it could provide entertainment. However with my luck, someone I really didn't want to be found by would find me.
I'd have liked to say my day 'flew' by, but it was the complete opposite. I was in snail zombie mode all day. Coffee every 2 hours. And I'm talking 4 shot venti's at a time! Yes, I'm well aware of my poor heart… but I was not shaking YET! I know better, and I really should be boosting my body with vitamins and not caffeine… but it was all about conveniences. We all know what we should be doing, but we never follow our own advice.
I can't say precisely when, but at some point in time I did receive a call from my mother. True to Dr Chiba's word, he managed to find time to do emergency surgery on my father. She was advising me that things went smoothly and successful. Yay. However my father was still going to have to stay in hospital for post-surgery watch and until tests confirms the immediate risk has been taken care of.
My mother spent most of her day with my father. I for one wanted to go straight home after work, but decided I'd spend an additional day at my parents. That way Saturday I could go through my old room during the daylight. Of course my mother was over the moon to hear that. Since the hospital was on the way to my parents, I accepted her request to pick her up from the hospital. She asked me to come and see my father, which I declined.
It wasn't so much that I didn't want to see my father, but more so the fact of avoiding someone else. I know I really shouldn't. But the last time we spoke in my office I had felt so scared as to what he wanted to say. On top of that, were the items I just had to rummage through and reminisce over until wee hours in the morning. I mentally slapped myself. Really. It was my own fault. I knew better. I knew that box was a mistake and should have burnt it! Not gone through it. Again, we never follow that little voice that tells what is best for us. Damn curiosity! I'm beginning to believe the cat really was killed!
But going through that box made everything blurry again. What if Darien DID want to take a walk down memory lane and bring up our past? Everything felt so raw again after going through that damned box! Not to mention I've been carrying his old varsity ring in my bag ever since. Another mental slap. I honestly have no idea why I thought I'd still hold on to it. Did I want to return it? Well not really… what would he think of me carrying it around all this time? If he did want to bring up the past, wouldn't I look pathetic that I've still held on to his things all this time… maybe he would think I was holding out for him to come running back to me? Maybe he did see me as the same pathetic woman as the teenage girl I once was?
He did mention a sorry once before. It was sincere… but could it be related? Maybe he realised I'm not the same? But what's the point on saying sorry when I've made it clear I want to move on and leave it in the past? Okay… maybe I wasn't clear and precisely said it out loud. But I'm sure my actions and behaviour to avoid the topic of conversation was a pretty big message in itself? I'm sure in one conversation I did verbally say I didn't want to hear anything?
Well if he needs to say something to clear his own conscience, well shame on him! Nice to know he actually has a soul to feel guilty about things. But I'm not going to be put in a position of hurt again just so he can feel better about himself. Especially if it's because of the current situation of having to work together. And not even together! We hardly see each other when I'm there anyway. So I'm really struggling to understand why he would to have a conversation to me that's so secretive he couldn't just drop it like a bomb. Did he want the satisfaction of watching me fall back into my teenage self and look upon the hurt written over my face as he said whatever it is he needed to feel better about himself?
And again that jerk is making me loose my train of thought! He doesn't even need to be physically present for me to forget what I was doing. Argh! I could hit something and scream! It was so frustrating! Back to what I was saying! Picking up my mum. She felt a bit defensive I did not want to see my father, but given her conversation choice… I think she was sad about me missing an opportunity to meet someone else. If only she would realise how messed up her conversation was.
"Really Serena, he's a lovely doctor. And thanks to him your father is fine and in perfect health again… well as good as it can be for now. I joked about his girlfriend being patient since he is always at the hospital. You know what he said? He's single! Him! What a catch." Of course at which point I was rolling my eyes and internally vomiting at the idea my mother was trying to get at.
"Amy could have done it just as well, mother," I stated matter of fact, completely avoiding the other topic. And Amy totally could have! Dunno why Dr Chiba had to come over here to take a job that Amy could have taken. And before you ask, it's not a job she wanted. One-day yes, but she was firm it was a job she'd take after she had settled down.
"Well, a thank-you never strayed too far. Plus, did you know he was single?" I'm sure that was the third time she had 'mentioned' that fact now. "He's very handsome, I was so surprised to hear that you know." She was blabbing again. I think she knew I stopped listening. After the first time she told me of his status I was clear in my response – "mother, we're work colleagues. Nothing more. Plus he isn't my type." Of course she scoffed at that, because lets face it, he was everyone's damn type!
Luckily for me it was a quick drive. I happened to spend most of the night in my old room. I actually happened to stumble across my old diaries too. I don't know what was worst… these or the stupid box of memento's I still hoarded. Know how I mentioned my feelings and memories were raw earlier? Well, reading my diaries really made me feel like I was a teenager again, feeling all those feelings like it was the first time again. From when I was first asked out, to when I was heart broken. Funny how I used to write all this down. But after the intervention and I started to see the psychologist, I just stopped. I don't think I have ever written my feelings and thoughts down since than.
It'd be pointless now to start. Especially since I have gone paperless. I really have that whole 'minimal living' thing going on. Started right after I left home too. Which potentially attributed to why I never took anything with me when I left. Which in turn is why I'm sitting here feeling like my teenage self again. The more I sat here and stared around my old room, the more memories came back. I was choking on these feelings and emotions. Really. You know when you feel so emotional and your chest feels really tight and heavy and you feel like choking? Yeah. That's how I was right now. Silent tears slipping from my eyes. I really had no control – I couldn't stop if I forced myself.
And that was how my mother found me. Sitting on the floor sobbing like a moron for no real reason. Thankfully she said nothing. She just came and bundled me in her arms as we sat there. I don't know how long it was for, but I opened my eyes to feel her stroking my head as we swayed in a slow steady motion.
"I'm sorry," I started with a hiccup as I moved out of my mother's embrace.
She gave me those eyes of pity and sadness. "It's alright Serena. You're allowed to cry. I'm sure being back here brings back a lot of memories for you." I noticed she was speaking cautiously. She probably wanted to say bad memories, but at least she chose a more diplomatic response. Either way though, it was an understatement. I really don't think she knew just how emotional it was for me to be here.
"I don't expect you to open up and tell me anything. Or pretend the last 10 years never happened," she started as she pushed back a few strands of my hair behind my ear. "But I'm still your mum, and I'll always love you, and we'll always be here for you sweetheart." She paused for a moment and got herself up. "I'm always here if you want to talk honey. I just came up before to tell you dinner was ready. There'll always be a warm place and food here for you darling." She smiled and moved to the door, "don't push yourself, you can stay here for as long as you want." With that she left. I could hear her footsteps slowly disappearing down the stairs.
I remember just laying down and closing my eyes after that. My body must have taken the opportunity to sleep. Cause when I next opened my eyes it was light, and I was on a pillow and a blanket was over me. I took it slow and stumbled up to retrieve my bag from the doorway before making my way to the bathroom. A shower was definitely needed. If I were at home, I would be drawing myself a bath for sure. Nothing more relaxing than being fully submerged under water. Plus the option of bath bombs that release relaxing scents into the steamy air. How that made me want to go home so bad. But I had a plan today to gather what I wanted from my old room. Burn things that should have been burnt years ago!
After my shower I took a stroll downstairs. Apparently the body does need food for energy, and I was starving! Mum was already awake watching her daytime TV re-runs. In the kitchen there was a selection of food on the table already. One thing I loved about my childhood – there was always some sort of food on the table everyday! Coming home after school and fighting with Sammy for the last puff pastry or meatball.
"I can re-heat some leftovers in the fridge if you want," my mother said startling the poop out of me. I did not hear her come up behind me. In a flash while I processed her presence, she was beside the fridge opening the doors. "I can do bacon and eggs? Or porridge if you prefer?"
"It's fine, just coffee. I can have the pastries on the table," I motioned to the table as I tried to walk into the kitchen.
"Sit, sit," my mother pushed me out of the kitchen, "I put the coffee on earlier. Routine for your father. It's been weird not having him here," she went about gliding around in her zone. In a zap she was placing a mug in front of me.
Growing up she would always tell Sammy and I what to drink and eat. She judged critically when I started to drink coffee and overload on sugary snacks. It was very weird, right now, compared to when I was kid. Maybe it was her trying to make me feel more comfortable? Or her guilt over how she treated us kids? Who knows what goes through other people's heads.
But it got weirder as she took a seat across from me. Mug in hand. "I thought you didn't like coffee?" I gave a quizzically look. This was another new development for her.
With a small smile she looked down to the cup, "When you get this old, you feel more tired. It's slowly growing on me. Plus when Sammy left home, I started to spend more time at the community centre. I met a few ladies, and we do social coffee dates once a month."
At least she wasn't all alone at home with dad all the time. Guess after everything that happened, she probably needed to spend more time away from my father and see the real world and see how other women are not slaves like she once thought good housewives should be. Yeah… I'm probably sounding very bitter about that still.
"Soo… what do you have planned for today?" she tried to ask causally as she started to peel back the plastic from the plates on the table. Do I even need to mention how awkward it is feeling?
But it drag me out of my thoughts. "I just want to go through my old room a bit more. It won't take too long. I'll probably be done and gone by lunch time-ish."
"Oh take your time dear, no rush at all." She smiled, "I was thinking of visiting your father after lunch if you want to stop by? I'm sure he would love to see you again before leaving the hospital." She paused taking the chance to look up to me, "I don't know if you'll want to come visit us after this, but I'm sure you're father would like to see you at once after his operation."
Was that a guilt trip statement? I really didn't know what to say. "Maybe… I just have some things I need to think about mum. Things to sort through first before I can work on our relationship again. But I'll come visit soon. Don't worry."
"Okay sweetheart," she said softly. I knew it was not the answer she wanted. But I needed time. "We just want what is best for you. Take your time honey." She slowly got up from her chair and washed her mug up. Briskly walking back into the lounge room. Guess that was the end to that conversation.
I didn't have the capacity to deal with that right now. I'll deal with that guilt trip another day. I knew my parents weren't going anywhere any time soon. And with dad fresh out of hospital soon, there was no life threatening events that would take them away anytime soon. So I had the time I needed to take things slowly.
After breakfast I was back in my old room with garbage bags in hand. I packed a few bags of things I wanted to keep and put them in my car boot. A few bags I packed for charity – like old books and manga and that. Another bag for the bin. But I couldn't bring myself to chuck out my box or diaries. At one point I had managed to bag them up. But I found myself tearing the bag up and putting the items back to their rightful spots. I really don't know what was wrong with me to even want to keep them. They only made me cry and feel like shit. No matter how many good memories were in them, there were just as many bad memories.
I settled with keeping them, but they were not, under any circumstances, were they coming home with me. They were definitely staying here. At least if my parents did want to turn my room into anything, everything was boxed up basically. I let myself get busy so I was not able to think. I was quiet amazed how much I was accomplishing. Before I knew it, I heard my ringtone buzzing. I stood up taking a moment to process before I realised that it my phone.
"Heeey," I breathed as I jumped across the room and burrowed into my bag for my phone. Don't ask me why I answered before checking whom it was. Mental slap. But luckily not many have my private number.
"Serena, so glad I got you! How have you been?" It was Amy. Thank goodness. I don't think I could handle talking to anyone else right now.
"What's up Amy?" it was odd for her to call and ask how I was doing. It was something she would avoid saying so directly. Plus she sounded a bit off.
"Oh, um, not much. I just wanted to call and see how you were." She gave a soft laugh. "I seen your father and spoke to Darien and Melvin about your dad's operation. I guess I just wanted to see how you were… what you're doing?"
"Did my father mention something to you about me going home with my mother?"
There was that pause again. Nail was hit on the head for sure! "I know it's none of my business. I just wanted to call to make sure you are alright."
I let out a sigh, "it's okay Amy. I appreciate it. I'm okay. It's something I needed to do. And it's probably been good for me to be here and go through my old things."
"Sere…" she paused again. Her voice was soft, "do you want me to come over and go through your stuff with you?"
"Nar, it's okay. I've basically done it all. But I have found a few of your old things. Want me to drop them by your place?"
"I'm actually at work right now. I can get them off you later?"
I quickly glanced at the clock on the wall. "Mum's about to leave soon to visit dad. I can drop her off and we can have coffee if you want?"
"Sure, that'll work too. I'll see you soon than." I heard the click over the receiver and sighed. I quickly ran out of my room to the top of the stairs.
"Hey mum, you still here?" I yelled and waited.
"What's up Serena?" I heard my mothers voice behind me. She must have been getting ready since she was now wearing something else from when I last seen her at breakfast.
"When are you leaving to see dad? I'll drop you off. I wanna see Amy."
"Oh, excellent," she smiled, "I was about to leave in ten." She gave an overlook of my appearance. "Did you want a quick shower?"
"Narr, it's okay. I'll quickly put this last bag in the car and freshen up and we can go. 10 mins should be plenty." She gave me a nod and disappeared back into her room.
It's not that I didn't want to shower, that would be lovely. But after sweating and playing around in this dust, I needed a cleanse! Scrub and hair washed. Thankfully coffee would be quick with Amy, and I'd be able to go home and spend the rest of the day cleansing and relaxing.
I also didn't really want to at the hospital. I told mum I didn't want to see my father right away. And I also didn't want to risk running into you know who as well. Seemed like there was a lot of things I wanted to avoid right now. But with all these past memories flooding my head, I don't think I could take a stroll down memory lane right now. I honestly don't know if I was strong enough to handle it. I couldn't years ago. And I don't think much has changed since. Deep down I am still that scared, cowardice child.
My quick freshen up was literally a quick wash of my face and a spray of deodorant. I gave my appearance one last look and sighed. It was good enough. It reflected my mood, and it's not like I was going on a date or impressing anyone!
I was in my comfiest workout wear – full-length black leggings and an old grey Nike, baggy tee. I was wearing my pink Nike's. Hair in a messy chaotic bun with strands flying out. Clearly no make up. It oozed 'I gave up on myself'. And you know what? Maybe I have. But I was so exhausted. Both mentally and physically. I was okay looking like this right now. Okay, that's a lie. I'll be feeling anxious about it when I'm around other people. Knowing they will all be judging me. But at the same time I know mentally I'll be worrying about other things much worst. I just left it. If I stayed and spend more time worrying about this, I'll never leave this house!
The drive was quick and my mother asked yet again if I wanted to see my father. It appeared the only way she would stop asking was if I gave my word I would come visit them when he was out of hospital. So I guess I put myself in between a rock and a hard place there, and now I have an obligation. Great!
Thankfully coffee entailed cake! Sugar! That always maide me feel better. Who needs alcohol and drugs when sugar was so readily available, and easier to obtain. Not to mention cheaper. Not that I would know anyway. Compared to medical drugs people get hooked on, sugar is heaps cheaper. Anyhows… moving on!
Just as I parted ways with my mother I received another call from Amy. She was advising me she was on her way to the Café. So I headed there right away. I got there before her and ordered us drinks. Thankfully she arrived soon afterwards.
I informed her about my interaction with my mother, and a few things I stumbled across while clearing my old room. I happened to bring in the bag of stuff I had for Amy. One item was an old book (of hers) that had some cartoon clips I drew in school of all our friends. Plus there was a photo book I wanted her to have. She was quiet shy in school and was never one to take photos. But she was closer to the girls than me these days. So it sounded appropriate she had all our photos from high school. Remember that whole 'minimal' living I have been going with? Yeah. She can hoard the important stuff.
Safe to say I exited the hospital in a good mood. I think I really needed those laughs with Amy. And I think she felt better knowing I was feeling better too. Perhaps its true when people say that friends and laughs can cure even the saddest of minds. I was actually glad to be in a good mood. I was worried I'd be going home more depressed than I should be. I think I've spent enough weekends wallowing in self-pity. It was a good feeling to have on my way home to a glorious, relaxing bath! Glass of wine and peaceful piano music. It was settled! My evening was now organised.
I was feeling really good and content about how my evening was going to pan out when I parked my car back in the building garage. Despite the three heavy bags I decided to keep and lug up at once, I was almost skipping to the elevator room. I could see a figure in my peripheral. They probably thought I was drunk or something - a grown ass women skipping along with three massive black garbage bags. Oh dear… I probably looked like an axe-murder to be honest. I pushed the up button and slung a bag over my shoulder trying to be as casual as possible. For this reason I tried to avoid the person who was now entering the room. I didn't want to see their judging eyes and looks. But I tell you what, they smelt really good. Like really good! It was an old spice mixed with roses smell. I'm sure I have smelt this before. It was sooo freaking similar.
And just like a light bulb blowing out, it hit me who it reminded me of, I turned in an instant with my mouth and eyes wide open! It couldn't be possible. No way in hell! "Darien!"
"Serena?" we both said in unison. Mine of course was an exclamation like WTF! He was looking at me with a question. Once he confirmed it was I, his usual poker face was displayed with a small smirk.
"What are you doing here?" I legit had never seen him here before. He's been back in Tokyo for months now. Did he just move into the tower? It was the only explanation since we needed key tags to use these elevators. One of the security perks I loved about this building. But he was empty handed and looked exhausted, like he had just finished work?
"Well, I live here," he said flatly. "Technically the North tower," he pointed in the direction of where the other neighbouring building was. You see this complex was split into two. North and South, two towers. We share the same massive garage, however there are north and south elevator rooms. Ground floor you can access both elevators again. I must have looked confused as to why he was using the South elevators then. "There's a new person moving in, and they have high jacked one of the elevators. I was waiting forever for the lift to reach the garage, so I thought I'd take this one to the ground."
I was staring at him with an 'o' shaped mouth. I couldn't speak. I was so sure I had successfully avoided him for today when I left the hospital. I guess the man does have a life outside of the hospital. And he doesn't live there either! Plus I was also realising again what I was wearing and how I probably appeared to him. I wanted to slap myself. I looked like a sweaty slob. I was embarrassed. Not that I should be caring at all what he thinks! But it mattered to me. I just closed my mouth while chewing on the bottom lip. My eyes were casted down. How the fudge do I get out of this. I can't lie and say I need to take these back to my car, he bloody seen me walk into the room with them.
'ding' – the elevator arrived and he had held out his hand for me to get in first. "Want some help with those bags?" he offered. I guess he must have noticed how my muscles were showing their fatigue by shaking a bit.
"No, it's fine!" I blurted faster than I should have. Strong independent women needed to be projected right now! You're not that worthless, dependant being he once knew you as.
"Okay," he put his hands up to show peace. "What level?" he was looking at me again. God how I hated that poker face! He didn't give anything away!
Did I want him to know what level I was on? NO! But I also just wanted to get away from his ASAP. "Ground level is fine. I need to check if I had a delivery today," I said matter of fact. Technically it was true, I was expecting a parcel to be delivered soon. The beauty of online shopping! Don't need to leave the comfort of my own couch and impress anyone in crowded shopping centres!
I heard him sigh in defeat. Oh how I wanted yell, 'suck it!' I won this round. "Listen Serena," he started. But I couldn't let him continue. As soon as I registered his two words my whole body started to shake and sweat.
"Please, Darien. Don't say anything. There is nothing that needs to be said." I blurted out in a puff, avoid eye contact with him as I whipped my head away from his direction.
"I won't stop until you agree to talk to me Serena. I really need to tell you something!" he sounded annoyed, but desperation was also heavily undernoted. I risked a glance in his direction and instantly wished I didn't. He was looking at me like a lost little boy, eyes pleading for me to give into his will. Almost begging.
I swallowed hard. I looked up into the corner of the elevator to stop myself from crying. I felt like I was being pushed into a corner with my emotions. "I can't bear it Darien. I mentally will never be prepared to listen to anything you have to say. Especially if it is about what has already happened. It's in the past. Please leave it there." I stressed each word, pleading almost with him at the end. I could feel my eyes water as I blinked back an on slaughter of engulfing tears. I really didn't want to be talking about this. I needed to get out of this situation.
As if on cue, the elevator hit ground floor with a ding and the doors opened. I rushed out and lugged my bags straight over to the reception counter. "George!" I smiled as best I could, "Can I leave these here for a bit? I need to run out for an emergency?"
He stood from the reception desk, "of course Miss Tuskino," he said rounding the counter and grabbing the bags. "I'll leave a note for Anthony so he's aware when he gets on shift." He turned and walked towards a door behind the counter.
"Thanks George!" I gave another dazzling smile and ran out the buildings door.
"Serena!" I heard his voice yelling behind me. I shook my head and pushed myself to run harder, faster! Without thinking I took the path towards the park and boardwalk along the river. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever, but I really couldn't do it right now. Not after the last few days of experiencing all those raw emotions again like it all happened yesterday.
I was running blindly as my tears slipped freely down my cheeks. For what felt like forever, my limbs gave out on me and I tripped over goodness only knows what. Possibly my own feet. I struggled to pull myself up and proceeded to the railing on the boardwalk, kicking my purse that came off my shoulder towards the railing. I just let go of myself and gave in the instincts. I gave my loudest scream possible. If anyone were around they probably thought I was either going through a mental break or a raving lunatic! It was exhilarating though, and a much needed release. But almost instantly I returned to openly sobbing. It felt like my whole world was crumbling again and nothing even happened! Like for Christ sake, the man wanted to talk, and I was too scared to even consider it would be about anything else. It's not like our interactions gave me any indication that he felt remorseful about our past?! It was crazy how this man could make me so emotional without even trying. This was my life and he was somehow apart of it in a way I couldn't control. I still had years left on my contract with the hospital, so leaving was outside of my control. That's what it was. I had no control anymore.
My thoughts were silenced as I suddenly felt two strong arms embrace me. One around the top of my shoulders and another around my waist. A warm breathe on the side of my neck. They didn't need to speak for me to know who it was. As crazy as it sounded, all those emotions from my box and diaries made me feel comfort in this once cherished embrace. Nevertheless, I was also angered that he would even follow me, but for some reason my mind let go of the anger and I broke down even harder, crying out pain. Not physical… but emotional pain. That stabbing feeling you feel in your heart and stomach when the pits of your stomach are fluttering about out of control because nothing in your body no longer works the way it should. I wanted to scream and shout and hit this man. But all I could do was sob like a child. Oh how I must have looked in his eyes. Re-affirming everything he once thought about me all those years ago. I was just a stupid child who couldn't do anything right. Classic Serena running away from shit instead of dealing with it. Ignoring it like it will pass on by without an utterance.
And again, he snapped me out of my thoughts. He started to speak, his words but a whisper into my ear that sent a shiver down my spine. "I'm so sorry for everything Serena. I have always, always, regretted what I said all those years ago. Including how I behaved back then. I was the coward. This is not me seeking to clear my conscience or guilt. But I've always avoided returning back to Japan because I felt ashamed to face you again. Ashamed that I hurt you the way I did and left how I did. I was a self-centred, conceited asshole back than and I gave up on us in order to make it easier to decide my future. But when I seen you run out of that board room during my welcoming lunch, I knew it was fate that brought me back to you. Of all the places you were there too. I knew I needed to stop being a coward and apologise for what happened between us. It was all me. Never you. I failed you as a boyfriend. I expected too much without considering you as a person. Our age gap and mental capacity to understand social influence." He sounded like a scared boy, stressing words that expressed emotional distress. I also pitied him, but I didn't fall for that trap. I wanted to bring my arms over my chest to hide myself, but I was frozen. By body no longer moved on my will.
At some point I had stopped crying and listened to him with my eyes closed. His voice got softer and quieter, but his grip hardened around me. I could feel the wet from his tears soak my shoulder as he buried his face into my neck after he spoke. We stayed like that for what felt like forever. I felt choked, unable to speak. I didn't even know what to say. Where to start! It was a mess. I had no idea he felt that way about things. It bothered me that he couldn't be honest when we were dating and breaking up… but at least he admitted it now how selfish he was. It also occurred to me that I was not the only one who had spent these last 10 years thinking about the past. Thinking about the other person. No matter how I looked at it, every time I would find an excuse for my behaviour, or relationships not working, he was always at the centre for causation. The mysterious reason behind it all. As much I vehemently denied it, and tried to move on… perhaps I never truly stopped loving him. No. I knew I never stopped. I just needed to believe I needed to in order to move on properly. Deep down I knew it was all denial. But it was pointless holding on to the idea of 'what if' and 'maybe'. Especially now. Everything was fragile, and I couldn't risk letting him affect me like he was.
I gave a sniffle and a sigh. In response I felt the weight from his head lift off my shoulder, and his arms loosen around me. "I know I have no right to touch you, for that I'm sorry. But I really needed to you stop running away from me and listen. I don't do this to make you feel worst about the past, or bring back painful memories. I just needed to apologise and tell you that it was all me. I was the one that was incorrect. I was the arrogant jerk that gave up on us. And you deserved so much better than what I put you through. I made you a promise, and I let you down. I said hurtful things to make you hate me so I could feel better about my decision. But all these years I resented myself for it. And don't get up her, but Amy told me a few things, and it made me realise just how much of a selfish asshole I was and how it all affected you. I really truly apologise and wish I could go back in time and be honest with both you and myself. About everything." He sighed. His voice was breaking, pausing every so often for the choice of words. I'd have to have a word with Amy… but I'm sure she wouldn't have said anything unless it was for my sake. Perhaps she mentioned something to him to ensure he didn't trigger anything? Although she was reserved, she could most definitely snap at someone and put them in their place if they were to talk out of turn about her friends.
When his pause prolonged to the point I figured he didn't have anything else to say, I tried to wriggle myself from his grasp. Thankfully he got the message and let go of me completely. I guess my tears all dried up too. I was still sniffling though. I also felt how sore my knees and elbows were as they started to pulsate. Realising I had that fall before. I made eye contact with the closest bench and gritted my teeth as I bent down to pick up my purse, and walk over to the bench. Definitely think my knee and legging material fused together. As I sat down and stared in front of me, I noticed Darien was still standing where he was, looking over the pond. I couldn't help but admire how his physic filled the black slacks and blue button up shirt he was wearing. His dress sense hadn't really changed. His style was smart business/casual. Never wore sneakers unless he was in gym gear. The man looked like he was walking out of a luxury branded advertisement. Suddenly he had moved his hand to his face – probably wiping his tears away? I don't know. But he slowly turned around. He was looking very sad. But once he realised I was still there, his frown turned into a grimace.
Taking a seat at the other end of the bench I was at, he let out a deep breath and sat with his elbows on knees and head in his hands looking down. I won't lie; it made me feel glad that he was also an emotional wreck. That he was affected by what happened too. But on the other hand, it was his entire fault. Okay, that was harsh. Technically my behaviour and lack of knowledge didn't help. But also these past few months… it amazed me how good he could handle his emotions and thoughts. Did he really mean everything he just said? Was it true that he felt ashamed by what happened all those years ago? Was it even possible the he could feel those things?
I mean, when he broke up with me he dumped everything off his mind that he thought about me and left like he just took out the trash. He didn't even stutter or show emotions! What was I to think? Clearly it was what he wanted and he felt no remorse about how I would take it all. And yet here he was contradicting his previous actions. He mentioned it was to make his decision easier for his future. But there are couples out there that do long distance relationships! And from my experiences, relationships are built on honesty and two people working together to fix the issues. I'm sure we could have gotten there eventually and made it work. But was it really the going abroad issue? Or was it that he wanted to experience more? Be free while he was over there?
I suppose it was only natural for me to question it all. Really, any sane person would in this situation. But I still felt like I was over analysing more than I should be. It was also odd. Kind of like a dumbstruck moment. I felt kind of comfortable at the current moment. It was weird, considering how much stress and anxiety I had before. I looked up towards the clouds. It was getting late, almost dusk. Yeah, it had been a couple of hours now. So much for a relaxing evening with wine and piano. But the atmosphere was calm. It still demanded things to be said… but I think we were both exhausted, mentally and physically.
"I'm going to go," I said with a massive sigh to break the silence. I noticed him glance my way as I pushed myself up from the bench. I let a small grunt out as my knees bent into the pressure of the tight leggings. I let another breath out as I reached for my purse.
Desperation was still etched over his face as he glanced towards me watching my movements. It was clear he wanted to say something. But clearly didn't know where to start. I guess neither of us knew where to go from here. All this time I looked at him as being someone who knew clearly what to do all the time, and yet, here he was unable to be the Darien I knew him as. I let a small giggle out as I watched his facial features change with his thought process. Registering my laugh he gave the classic arched brow. It felt a little bit better knowing there was some sort of normalcy in this interaction now.
"I think…" I started, but stopped for a second. "I don't know what Amy told you," he was looking at me with a very solemn look. "But I struggled when you ended things, and it's taken me ages to get where I am today," I spoke slowly and softly. I almost couldn't believe I had the courage to be honest like this, "My behaviour before was simply because I wouldn't have been able to maintain any sort of composure if you had of said anything along the lines of what you told me before you walked out on us, or reminded me directly of those things." I took a massive breath and chewed my lips as I blinked back a few tears. Thankfully he was still listening, just watching with saddened eyes. "I'm not going to lie, it makes me happy to hear that you had a terrible time too. However it's also unfair that you get to free yourself of whatever shame you felt because it was ultimately your decision to control everything 10 years ago."
I noticed he glanced away. Guilt clearly written over his features. I continued, "It can't be helped that we happen to live so close together, and our professional careers cross paths at the hospital. However I guess now that I know you're not here to rub what happened in my face and intentionally bring up bad memories to bask in my pain…" Dairen had whipped his head around and was ready to say something, however I lifted my hand to pause him. "I suppose we can manage and come to an agreement on how to deal with possible future interactions… I don't know." I shook my head. "I don't want to take a walk down memory lane. I don't want to talk about our past. At least not now, or anytime soon." I chewed on my lip again as he sat and continued to listen. I was actually really glad he wasn't doing anything or trying to speak. It probably would have either frustrated and angered me, or made me scared to be this forward and confident.
"Maybe sometime this coming week we can sort out how we can approach future interactions?" I asked finally meeting his eyes. Ordinarily I would have freaked out, but somehow I was feeling powerful and in charge.
"That's fine," he nodded his head, "whatever is suitable for you," he added. His voice had regained its usual deepness as he stood up from the bench, hands straight into his trouser pockets.
I nodded my head in agreement as I thought. I guess it could be something I can face and deal with at the time. My body was aching and I had a headache coming on. Not to mention my eyes were feeling dry and sore as well. "Okay, well… I guess bye," I dribbled out as I turned in the direction of home. I took a few steps and noticed I was limping. How could I have run so far? Mental slap! This was going to be a long walk home. Maybe I could catch an Uber from the car park ahead?
And yet again, as if on cue! My thoughts were once again immobilised by the very man who could possibly give me an aneurism from over thinking! He had literally swept me off my feet. And not in a good way! It was sudden and caused me to jerk in reaction. Thankfully he was strong and remained stable through the whole process while he held me bridal style. "Don't say anything. As a doctor I can't allow you to further cause injury to yourself," he said softly as he stared ahead and continued to walk in the direction of home.
"If you take me to the car park, I can catch a cab," I offered. I could feel myself getting a bit tense from the close proximity. That delicious smell of roses and old spice; and not to mention how hard his arms felt. He must definitely keep up his fitness.
"It's fine Serena. You're not going to break my back. We're going to the same place… essentially." I could tell he was thinking about something, but then he shook his head and focused on the walk ahead.
I let out a sign and tried to relax as much as I could, given the circumstances. But I'll be honest, it was fudging awkward! At the same time also entertaining. I could see the building in view, and he wasn't even breaking a sweat yet! I was impressed for sure. When we were about 400metres from the entrance I could feel his arms starts to give a little, and perspiration starting to form along his hairline. Human. Yeap.
"You can let me down now, we're close," I said trying to wiggle myself free.
"Stop it," he muttered as he threw me up a bit to strengthen his grasp after my wiggling. "I'll have a look at your grazes. I'm sure reception has a first aid box."
"No, noooo," I muttered a bit loud in haste, "I don't want people staring! Arg. It's bad enough I look horrible! No. It's fine. It's just a few grazes."
He stopped a few steps in front of the door and stared at me, like I had just said the most offensive thing ever. "Serena…" he said sternly looking me directly in the eyes. But then he swallowed and turned his head from me, "do you have a kit at home? Or I have everything at my place. I even have some numbing cream? It would help take the pulsating feeling away and help you sleep if it's causing pain for you?"
I just stared at him. I almost wanted to kick myself too. Another awkward situation. Clearly he potentially won't take no for an answer. If I treated myself at home he'd no doubt enquire the next time we run into each other… and he'd probably find out it never happened because I don't actually own a first aid kit… I have Band-Aids if that counts? I gave him another look to notice his brow was raised awaiting my response. "Umm… I appreciate the help. But it's really okay."
"It's my fault. It's the least I can do and offer," he retorted. Yeah… I feel like I had little option. "If you're concerned about me finding out where you live, or being alone in my apartment, I can send the cream to reception for you to pick up?"
It was nice of him to offer, but I hung my head in defeat, "I don't have a first aid kit at home… and I won't be able to walk to reception…"
"Okay… well I can bring my whole kit over?" he offered as he started to move again towards the buildings doors. It was my building. I also noticed he was going straight for the elevators. "I'll take you up to your door. You can shower and I can come over later to dress the grazes for you and apply numbing cream?" he said in his doctor voice. It was stern with a flat tone.
I watched as he shuffled his weight to free a hand to hit the 'up' button. "I suppose that's fine," I whispered. I was chewing my lip. Yes it made me nervous as hell! But I also kind of felt comfortable with the thought that he wasn't spiteful and had a negative intention… at least not the vibes I was getting at the current moment.
With a ding we entered the elevator, "47," I offered before he could ask. Obligingly, he hit the number and we stood in silence as we went up. Another ding and he walked us out, "to the left, 4702," I offered again. Within a moments breath he slowly placed me down on the ground. "Thanks," I mumbled as I busied myself in my purse to fish out my keys.
It was awkward as he just stood there watching me fetch my keys and unlock my door. Was this where he pushed me inside and murdered me? I felt some sort of ease knowing there were cameras… so someone would at least be aware of my missing status and discover who killed me. But once I clicked it open and turned back to him, I noticed he had taken a few steps back.
"I'll come back in an hour with my kit," he stated firmly, "go shower and that," he stopped and met my eyes. "Not that my opinion holds any weight, but even as you are now, you'll always be perfect. So you should not have negative thoughts like you had earlier about your appearance and what other people of you." With that he turned away and went back to the elevators. I could see the back of his figure, and as the elevator door opened, he gave a small smile and wave. I however was frozen there for a moment longer. What did he just say to me? I wasn't sure how I should have taken that. I could have sworn a shiver went up my spine. The kind where someone flatters you and you get all giddy. I groaned as I smacked my hand against my forehead! It was dangerous to have such thoughts and feelings.
I won't deny, he was still hellas attractive. If it wasn't for our past, I suppose I would have liked the idea of dating him, or at least hooking up with him. But our past complicated things for sure… and so this giddy feeling was something I couldn't afford to throw me off. Not after I just suggested we agree to come to a civilised way to interact in the future. I'm sure that was clear with the intent of barely friend's… colleague status at best. But could I trust a man to understand the thought process of a woman? I guess I needed to be clear when we have that conversation.
I dumped everything on the hallway counter and kicked off my shoes. I couldn't be fudged to put them away right now. My first task was to somehow get these damned tights off! Peeling them away from my knees was going to fun. I gave up when I noticed the blood had dried and stuck the pants to me. Taking off everything else, I wore my pants into the shower and let the water soak in to help soften it all. Gross, I know. But I was a baby when it came to pain. And this was not a 'Band-Aid' moment to just rip it off! Okay! Eventually I got there and got them off, wringing the water out and throwing them into the corner of my bathroom. Yes, I was a little frustrated with them. But right now, I just needed to wash my hair and scrub. The soap and shampoo that drizzled into my grazes stung like hell. And stretching my arms over my head to wash my hair hurt.
By the time I go out of the shower I was feeling a lot more relaxed and refreshed. However the grazes hadn't stopped stinging since the soap hit them. In the back of my head I was almost glad to know Darien was coming over to save me with this miracle numbing cream. Thinking about him, I glanced towards the little waterproof clock I had in the shower. Had it been an hour? I don't even know what time I got back and how long it took me to get those damned pants off! Deciding it was best to rush, I threw on some knee length boxers I had and a tee. I gave my hair a quick 5-minute blow dry to get it damp and throw it up into a top bun. I also noticed my headache wasn't as bas as it was before. So small wins.
I walked out into the lounge room and felt my stomach growl. I supposed I hadn't really eaten all day… just sweet pastries for breakfast, and coffee and cake for lunch. I was surprised I hadn't passed out yet! I went straight to the kitchen and threw the fridge doors open. Come to mummy… nothing. How could I not have anything ready to snack on? Did I have time to cook some eggs? Maybe a bowl of cereal? Was my milk still alright?
-Knock Knock-
My head shot up from the fridge towards my front door. Was that him? Was that my door? I closed the doors and briskly walked –as fast as I could given my knees, to my front door. Throwing it open, I was slapped in the face with a strong scent of roses and old space. Argh! The 'me' in my head was screaming and pulling my hair out! God it smelt so good!
"Hey," he gave a dashing smile as he held up his kit in one hand, and a bag in the other, "I figured you hadn't ate yet, so I ordered some ramen. I hope that is okay." I could tell he was getting a bit awkward as I stood and stared. He must have freshened up too. He was wearing navy trousers with a white polo and boat shoes. Like who the eff wears boat shoes at this time of night? Maybe that was his attempt to be 'casual'… I shook my head and smiled.
"Thanks for bringing that over to me," I muttered as I welcomed him inside. He took his shoes off and progressed inside.
"Oh, similar layout it appears," he muttered as he gliding towards the kitchen and dining room. "And no worries, looking at your knees you must be in some pain?" he took a glance behind him towards where I was. I just followed him in my own home! At least that solved my food issue. And ramen! It smelt like my favourite too… amazing how he could remember that.
He placed the bag on the kitchen counter and shuffled to the dining table, "have a seat," he glanced back to me as he pulled a chair out. Was it strange that I didn't feel like this was my home anymore? But I abided and watched him poke around his kit. He sprayed some antiseptic on first and let it sit for a moment while he sprayed the others. Treating each graze at a time, and finishing with applying the cream over the top for me. "You should be all set, just let the cream sit for half an hour minimal, you should start to loose feeling of that ache. If the cream hasn't absorbed you can wipe it off before bed to save your sheets."
I watched him pack up and wash his hands at the kitchen sink. I was feeling kind of awkward, but also lost as to how I should be feeling and thinking. I understand it was probably his habit due to his profession to be like this… but it was strange that he was persistent about doing this for me… in addition to the food as well. Was that normal for people in our situation and circumstance?
"Ok, well you're all set for the night, so I'll make my way out now," his words broke my train of thought.
I quickly shuffled to my feet, "Oh? Umm, thanks! Really. I appreciate the effort to come over and do that for me. And the food too. Though you really didn't have to," I said as I followed him to my front door. I dunno if it was just me, but did he seem keen to run out from here?
After his shoes were back on, he turned back towards me. He had a soft expression, his eyes showed his exhaustion, but also something else. "It was really nothing Serena," he smiled again, holding my gaze. I guess when we both realised how awkward it was he cleared his throat and shoved his spare hand into his pants pocket.
I stared at my bag for a moment. "Hey Darien," I approached slowly, "Don't over think it… but I was going through some things at my parents… and I don't know why I kept this, but I thought I should return it to you," I stumbled over my words as I dug into my bag and grasped his varsity ring in my fist. Swallowing hard I brought my fist out and pushed it in his direction.
He gave me a questioning look that was mixed between intrigue and hesitation. None the less, he held out his hand in silence.
I sucked in my breath and let it drop onto his palm. I watched as his face turned to surprise. He pushed the ring with his thumb to hold it between his fingers, bringing it up closer to his face. "Wow," he half laughed, "I was actually thinking about this the other day when the school reached out to me upon hearing of my return to Tokyo and wanted me to attend a reunion," he looked back at me, "I thought you would have thrown this out into the sea or something."
I felt my face going red, crap! "Well, trust me. I wanted to. Multiple times. But I ended up storing everything in a box… which I found the other day… and I remembered how important it was to you, so I figured I should return it instead of actually throwing it out this time," I was speaking, trying to be casual, I couldn't reach his eyes. I don't think I had the courage to look into his eyes at this moment. I was rolling my feet in an awful habit to distract myself.
"Listen," he started as he put his ring into his pocket, "I guess now we've cleared the air a little… and we're going to act civilised in regards to future interactions and come to an agreement on how our…" he paused thinking of a word.
"Acquaintance-ship?" I interjected looking up at him. Be firm girl! Not friends! I don't think it would be possible to be friends with our history. What if he got himself a girlfriend and he started to talk about her to me… no. Not friends.
I noticed his features dropped a bit and his smile slipped; did he look sad at that suggestion?
"Right," he cleared his throat and put the classic poker face on. "Given we started off on the wrong foot, how about we start off fresh?" He paused to look at me. I'm sure I had that 'huh' face on. "I think it'd do us good to one day sit down and air out the past, but I respect your decision, and when you're ready, I'll be ready to talk about anything you want," He added.
"So… what do you want?" I asked cautiously. What was he getting at?
"Let's pretend we're meeting again for the first time? Even the next time we run into each other?" he looked hopeful with a small half smile.
I guess it wouldn't hurt. It'd probably make it easier for me to know how to act next time we bump into each other. No pretences since we are both making a deal about how to act and how our acquaintance-ship will start off? "I guess it will probably make things easier in the future. And I suppose one day we should shed some light on our past for the sake of disclosure." I was chewing on my bottom lip again. He was looking happier for a start, but there was still some tension in the air. I decided we mise well do it now, otherwise it might be awkward for the next time on how to approach the issue.
I plastered the biggest and best smile I could, "I'm Doctor Serena Tsukino. I'm a psychologist. I have my own practice and do pro-bono work at the hospital. I'm not really close to my parents, but I have a spoiled little brother who's living abroad. I've had my heart smashed to pieces by the love of my life, and probably won't ever date again. I used to have 4 best friends, however we've gradually lost touch, and now I only see one on a regular basis. I don't really have many other friends. Work became my life. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and I don't really have a life outside of work," I said flatly as I presented my hand for a shake.
This earned a surprised look from Darien – like a deer in headlights! But he gracefully recovered and took my hand, "pleasure Dr Tsukino," he kissed the top of my hand and let it drop. "I'm Doctor Darien Chiba. I'm currently the Chief of Surgery at South Tomeo Private Hospital. I recent returned to Tokyo after moving abroad for college. I have only ever made one wrong decision in my life, and that was letting go of the most precious thing that was in my life to achieve my dream and I will forever feel ashamed about that. Since than I never felt worthy enough of anyone who even slightly measured up to her existence. I don't have any family, hardly any friends too. It appears we share work being our life in common," he gave a small bow. His posture felt off and awkward, like he was hesitant about something.
"Well doctor," I cleared my throat to clear the tension a bit, "Luckily Tokyo is pretty big, so who knows. You might change some of your circumstance. There is a lot to offer in this city."
"Actually," he interrupted, head whipping in my direction meeting my eyes, taking a step forward with this new found confidence that oozed off him, "You're introduction struck a cord with me. Someone as gorgeous as you should not be hidden and scared to find happiness. I also couldn't help but notice how close my home is to yours." He had managed to dump his first aid kit on the hall table and take hold of my hand in his own, slowly bending down on one knee. "I'm not one to believe in coincidences… but sometimes we have no control over how we feel about people, and whom we are attracted to. Sometimes we have to believe that things happen for a reason. We have to push ourselves outside of our comfort zones and risk everything on a chance, an opportunity, that maybe it was meant to be? And for that reason, I Darien Chiba, would love to take you, Serena Tuskino, out on a proper date. I will court you for months if I have to. There is just one, and will only ever be just one person I will always and forever want in this lifetime."
I was frozen as I started at his kneeling form in front of me. I literally was blank. Nothing was coherent in my head that made any sense! It was a jumble of words. I struggled to fully process and comprehend what he had just said to me. He looked hopeful and handsome as he stared at me waiting for my response. Not a single muscle moved – nor did I think he had any intention of moving until he got a reply from me. A reply? How does one reply to that! So much had happened today and I just wanted to die. What if I make the wrong decision due to my exhaustion? The suddenness of it all?
That little voice was telling me I was trying to find an excuse to reject him, because inside my head I kept yelling 'yes!' over and over again. I'm sure any girl would be gushing over the declaration of this handsome man… but really? Could I just say yes after everything? Did he deserve a chance? Did I want to risk my wellbeing to see this through and hope and pray every day that he had indeed changed, and wouldn't do what he had done before to me again? I opened my mouth to say something, but a squeak came out and I snapped it closed. I couldn't trust my voice. I was feeling very hot and flustered again, like my anxiety had managed to grab onto my nervous system and was beginning to bring this once strong castle to the ground!
I assume he must have gathered my inner turmoil as he stood up and embraced me in a hug. It was so sudden I didn't even have time to react. But luckily it didn't last long. He took a step back leaving his hands on my shoulders. "It's a lot to take in. I understand. But I won't give up on you again. I will do whatever it takes to make you trust in me again. No matter how long that may be, Serena Tuskino, I am going to fight tooth and nail for you, and show you what you truly deserve!" His expression was unyielding as his tone was flat. Perhaps trying to be serious, or show the seriousness of the situation?
With that, he removed his hands from my shoulders and moved to the table to grab his kit. Moving towards the door he opened it and slightly turned back towards me – who was still glued in the same spot staring at him. "Go eat, and have a good night. And I guess I'll see you around the hospital?" was all he said before leaving. With a soft click of the door he was gone. His smell still occupying my senses as it lingered in the tiny hallway.
A single tear slipped down my cheek as I realised how tight my chest was becoming. Was it a tear of happiness? Pain? Confusion? I could hardly breath. What did he mean? Was he serious? Did that actually just happen? How could he be so serious about it all? I slowly turned on my heel and moved to the kitchen. Unfortunately that hunger was still present. Those pains were unmistakable.
Looking at the bag I sighed. There wasn't anything about me he had forgotten, was there? That surely proved something? Perhaps he was being sincere and honest? But how would it work with our history? Surely we couldn't pretend and tip toe around that massive issue? There was no way we could ever have a normal relationship? Was there? Why was I even hoping that was a chance we could! It would just be weird. Everything I had learned and experienced from relationships after him would be blown out of the water. This was like throwing a grenade in an already war torn zone.
I sighed as I pulled the ramen bowl out and took the cover off. I suppose it would not hurt to see what he had planned? He was the one who said he was going to court me… I never said anything. So if I watched as a bystander, technically I wasn't involved right? It definitely made me remember the beginning of our first courtship. He was so hell-bent on proving to me that he was for real about dating me. He even managed to wow me a few times as a teenager. So it'd be interesting to see what tricks he could pull as a man…
*~ THE END ~*
A/N: WOWSERS! It's done! The fastest I have ever completed any story! hahah.
To clarify the ending - I left it open with the understanding that Serena is open to persuasion. AKA, she let him prove to her at the beginning, and she's open again this time around to see how he proves himself. It's clear they both hold strong emotions for each other still... It's smutty. I know! I'm a sucker for Happy Endings...
I also had a thought while re-reading to MAYBE do an extra chapter or short story to cover Darien's POV, briefly! MAYBE. Cause I've written some notes about his thoughts and feelings and think it'd be pretty interesting to understand some of his behaviour in their earlier interactions (when he first came to the hospital).
I actually want to continue with 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' right now, so I might work on Darien's POV during, or when I've finished that story.
Again, thank you to everyone who stayed with me and commented. Hope you enjoyed my story for what it is at least.